- Jul 18, 2004
- 2,048
- 216
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Eastern Orthodox
- Marital Status
- Private
Dear TAW Members,
I realize that over the past three years, I have seemed to vascillate somewhat in the spiritual sense. However, this was due to outside forces and not only mere interior uncertainty. Three years ago, as you recall, I had been a sincere inquirer for several months, actually, half a year before I really started posting on TAW. Back then, I was just coming out of Evangelical Protestantism and knew next to nothing about other Christian denominations. I treasured everything I learned from the Orthodox Church, and the Christmas of my junior year in high school I received my first icons and prayer rope. I was happy, but the wait was frustrating at times.
That January, I met a girl named S. She was extremely beautiful, intelligent, and charming with a great work ethic. We went out on a few dates, and I talked about the Orthodox Church a bit. Then, she mentioned she was Catholic. I wasn't sure what all Catholicism was about, but out of courtesy I promised to attend a mass with her. Well, she went to a traditional Church, and the service seemed to be very similar to an Eastern Orthodox one. Afterwards, she introduced me to her priest, Fr. L.
Fr. L talked with me a bit, and I mentioned his service seemed similar to an Eastern Orthodox one. He said that's because Eastern Orthodox are Catholic, but they were less advanced. I was unsure, but I kind of believed him, and his Church was much closer to my house than the Orthodox one. Fr. L and I continued to meet, and he told me that now I knew about the Catholic Church, I must join. I must be in communion with the Pope. Even though Orthodox sacraments are done with love and are valid, they are rebellious or illicit acts against Rome.
What Fr. L said troubled me greatly. That's when I began insulting the "shortcomings" of Orthodoxy over the next few months. Fr. R, a ROCOR priest, continued to correspond with me during this time. He warned me that back when he converted, the Catholics in his area tried to pull him away from Orthodoxy too. In fact, he almost joined the Madonna house order. He said that although there were a few traditional Catholic congregations left not to be fooled. Most were modernistic. I didn't listen to him.
But I was divided now, unsure. I couldn't decide whether the Orthodox or the Catholics were right, and my girlfriend's parents joined in the fight for me as well. I was planning to take computer courses in college, and Mr. G, S's father, volunteered to be my mentor. He continued to tell me about Catholicism, and the "faults" of Orthodoxy. He told me about how the gospel accounts are not exactly historical, so the only way we can know what is and what isn't is by listening to the Pope. We should trust his interpretation of Matthew 16:18, because there is no other way to know what it means. I sensed circular logic, and became even more divided.
That was when I attempted a return to the Orthodox Church. However, as soon as some Catholic friends found out, they talked to me and convinced me such a move would put me in hell. Some threatened to retract their friendship. So I wavered back and forth for a few weeks, and took out my frustration by posting things on the internet on various forums and blogs. It seemed to be a good outlet. In retrospect though, I hurt a lot of people's feelings. Finally, I reached a breaking point, with pressure from my girlfriend and such.
Fr. L sat down with me again, and said, "Geoffrey, if you join the Church, everything will turn out okay. Look, I know you're anxious for communion. The Orthodox Church will let you join in a year. I'll let you join in two weeks." I was excited, and hastily accepted the offer. Finally, I was going to be Catholic, and everything would be okay, right?
Sadly, I couldn't have been more wrong. My girlfriend had been seeing a guy named D behind my back, and she loved him. Mr. G was my sponsor, but soon after Christmas, S broke up with me. I was devestated. I hardly saw Mr. G anymore. I felt abandoned. So, I went to talk with Fr. L. I confessed to him that I thought I had only joined the Church out of love for S. Fr. L became my confessor for a brief time, after which something horrifying happened.
After several weeks, Fr. L asked me if I saw strange lights as a child. I said no. He said some Saints do. Then, in the confessional, he flat out told me I was going to be a Saint. He asked me to write things down and keep my future venerators in mind. I was scared out of my mind and never visited with him again. His behavior was odd, the man barely knew me, and would not even help me with my sins. I do not need to be called sanctified in confession, because I am not. This may sound odd, but I was very offended by it all.
When I left his Church, I found myself in a modern wasteland. For about the next year I endured services that were very contemporary, and did not have the spiritual depth I wanted. People were teaching that the birth story of Christ was mere legend and myth, and the commentary in the official Bible of the American Church agreed. Finally, I had enough of it, and went into Eastern Catholicism about a year ago. Frankly, it was a compromise...I didn't want to go to hell by leaving the Pope, but I also wanted the Eastern Christianity I loved.
Well, as I've gotten to know my new priest, Fr. D, I must admit that he is a most outstanding and excellent person, and a good confessor at that. Anyway, several months ago a canon lawyer friend of his, Fr. B, discovered that the Catholic Church had not thoroughly investigated my previous baptism, which turned out to be probably invalid. So, at the request of Fr. B, Fr. D baptised and confirmed me again at Easter. May God bless him for such kindness.
About a month or so ago, Fr. D began to reveal to me during confession and such that all his pastoral philosophy was due to a dear Russian Orthodox spiritual father he once had. At one point, he was going to join the Orthodox Church, but a priest insulted Catholicism and he took it personally. Now he is a monsignor and has a large parish, so Fr. D can no longer leave quietly. But, he confided in me that he firmly believes both the Catholics and Orthodox have the true faith. He told me that the struggle and hassle I went through to join Catholicism was quite unnecessary, but I might as well stay since I'm here. However, if I wanted to join Orthodoxy, it was okay, just so long as I finished my obligations to him and his parish.
I don't care if I have to spend three years in some kind of remedial catechumenate where bad inquirers go...I want to be an Orthodox Christian, not as a move against Rome, but as a move toward what I left. I want to fight the passions. Although I am still afraid and uncertain about this move, when I ask myself: If I were to die tonight, what would I want to be? I'd say Orthodox Christian. If it turns out that Catholicism is right and I'm going to hell for doing this, well, it will just be one of the many just reasons God has to condemn me. Even if I'm right about Orthodoxy, all the same, Lord have mercy on my soul.
I have already sat down and discussed the situation with Fr. A, a local Orthodox priest. This is a difficult move I'm making, but God wills it and so I have chosen to cooperate. Look, I have reached a critical mass of desire to go through with this. You can trust that I will follow through. I have grown a lot through my experience, you are dealing with a slightly different person than four years ago, and I hope the difference is for the better.
Yes, I know that this is just an Internet forum, so it isn't a big deal, but it involves real people with real feelings. Therefore, you all deserve an explanation.
Pax Christi,
Geoffrey
I realize that over the past three years, I have seemed to vascillate somewhat in the spiritual sense. However, this was due to outside forces and not only mere interior uncertainty. Three years ago, as you recall, I had been a sincere inquirer for several months, actually, half a year before I really started posting on TAW. Back then, I was just coming out of Evangelical Protestantism and knew next to nothing about other Christian denominations. I treasured everything I learned from the Orthodox Church, and the Christmas of my junior year in high school I received my first icons and prayer rope. I was happy, but the wait was frustrating at times.
That January, I met a girl named S. She was extremely beautiful, intelligent, and charming with a great work ethic. We went out on a few dates, and I talked about the Orthodox Church a bit. Then, she mentioned she was Catholic. I wasn't sure what all Catholicism was about, but out of courtesy I promised to attend a mass with her. Well, she went to a traditional Church, and the service seemed to be very similar to an Eastern Orthodox one. Afterwards, she introduced me to her priest, Fr. L.
Fr. L talked with me a bit, and I mentioned his service seemed similar to an Eastern Orthodox one. He said that's because Eastern Orthodox are Catholic, but they were less advanced. I was unsure, but I kind of believed him, and his Church was much closer to my house than the Orthodox one. Fr. L and I continued to meet, and he told me that now I knew about the Catholic Church, I must join. I must be in communion with the Pope. Even though Orthodox sacraments are done with love and are valid, they are rebellious or illicit acts against Rome.
What Fr. L said troubled me greatly. That's when I began insulting the "shortcomings" of Orthodoxy over the next few months. Fr. R, a ROCOR priest, continued to correspond with me during this time. He warned me that back when he converted, the Catholics in his area tried to pull him away from Orthodoxy too. In fact, he almost joined the Madonna house order. He said that although there were a few traditional Catholic congregations left not to be fooled. Most were modernistic. I didn't listen to him.
But I was divided now, unsure. I couldn't decide whether the Orthodox or the Catholics were right, and my girlfriend's parents joined in the fight for me as well. I was planning to take computer courses in college, and Mr. G, S's father, volunteered to be my mentor. He continued to tell me about Catholicism, and the "faults" of Orthodoxy. He told me about how the gospel accounts are not exactly historical, so the only way we can know what is and what isn't is by listening to the Pope. We should trust his interpretation of Matthew 16:18, because there is no other way to know what it means. I sensed circular logic, and became even more divided.
That was when I attempted a return to the Orthodox Church. However, as soon as some Catholic friends found out, they talked to me and convinced me such a move would put me in hell. Some threatened to retract their friendship. So I wavered back and forth for a few weeks, and took out my frustration by posting things on the internet on various forums and blogs. It seemed to be a good outlet. In retrospect though, I hurt a lot of people's feelings. Finally, I reached a breaking point, with pressure from my girlfriend and such.
Fr. L sat down with me again, and said, "Geoffrey, if you join the Church, everything will turn out okay. Look, I know you're anxious for communion. The Orthodox Church will let you join in a year. I'll let you join in two weeks." I was excited, and hastily accepted the offer. Finally, I was going to be Catholic, and everything would be okay, right?
Sadly, I couldn't have been more wrong. My girlfriend had been seeing a guy named D behind my back, and she loved him. Mr. G was my sponsor, but soon after Christmas, S broke up with me. I was devestated. I hardly saw Mr. G anymore. I felt abandoned. So, I went to talk with Fr. L. I confessed to him that I thought I had only joined the Church out of love for S. Fr. L became my confessor for a brief time, after which something horrifying happened.
After several weeks, Fr. L asked me if I saw strange lights as a child. I said no. He said some Saints do. Then, in the confessional, he flat out told me I was going to be a Saint. He asked me to write things down and keep my future venerators in mind. I was scared out of my mind and never visited with him again. His behavior was odd, the man barely knew me, and would not even help me with my sins. I do not need to be called sanctified in confession, because I am not. This may sound odd, but I was very offended by it all.
When I left his Church, I found myself in a modern wasteland. For about the next year I endured services that were very contemporary, and did not have the spiritual depth I wanted. People were teaching that the birth story of Christ was mere legend and myth, and the commentary in the official Bible of the American Church agreed. Finally, I had enough of it, and went into Eastern Catholicism about a year ago. Frankly, it was a compromise...I didn't want to go to hell by leaving the Pope, but I also wanted the Eastern Christianity I loved.
Well, as I've gotten to know my new priest, Fr. D, I must admit that he is a most outstanding and excellent person, and a good confessor at that. Anyway, several months ago a canon lawyer friend of his, Fr. B, discovered that the Catholic Church had not thoroughly investigated my previous baptism, which turned out to be probably invalid. So, at the request of Fr. B, Fr. D baptised and confirmed me again at Easter. May God bless him for such kindness.
About a month or so ago, Fr. D began to reveal to me during confession and such that all his pastoral philosophy was due to a dear Russian Orthodox spiritual father he once had. At one point, he was going to join the Orthodox Church, but a priest insulted Catholicism and he took it personally. Now he is a monsignor and has a large parish, so Fr. D can no longer leave quietly. But, he confided in me that he firmly believes both the Catholics and Orthodox have the true faith. He told me that the struggle and hassle I went through to join Catholicism was quite unnecessary, but I might as well stay since I'm here. However, if I wanted to join Orthodoxy, it was okay, just so long as I finished my obligations to him and his parish.
I don't care if I have to spend three years in some kind of remedial catechumenate where bad inquirers go...I want to be an Orthodox Christian, not as a move against Rome, but as a move toward what I left. I want to fight the passions. Although I am still afraid and uncertain about this move, when I ask myself: If I were to die tonight, what would I want to be? I'd say Orthodox Christian. If it turns out that Catholicism is right and I'm going to hell for doing this, well, it will just be one of the many just reasons God has to condemn me. Even if I'm right about Orthodoxy, all the same, Lord have mercy on my soul.
I have already sat down and discussed the situation with Fr. A, a local Orthodox priest. This is a difficult move I'm making, but God wills it and so I have chosen to cooperate. Look, I have reached a critical mass of desire to go through with this. You can trust that I will follow through. I have grown a lot through my experience, you are dealing with a slightly different person than four years ago, and I hope the difference is for the better.
Yes, I know that this is just an Internet forum, so it isn't a big deal, but it involves real people with real feelings. Therefore, you all deserve an explanation.
Pax Christi,
Geoffrey
