- Sep 13, 2005
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Hey Guys,
You don't know me, my name is Didi. I am 22 years old.
I wanted to share this with you, and I hope God will be able to encourage and minister to you, but.... it's all about MY sin.
In March of this year I had a very deep conversation with a friend where I realized that in my life cutting was definitely SIN. I was in a place where I was pushing God away because I couldn't love Him and love my control to cut at the same time. My friend basically told me "Didi, you have to either choose to pursue God and allow yourself to experiance that emotional pain and hurt by TRUSTING Him or you need to stop pretending to worship God with your life and pursue your own desires." And, I was really affected. I LOVE God, but it's sooooo hard to trust Him.
Well, over the next few days after that I thought and prayed and realized that cutting was HURTING me. Yes, it relieved the pressure and aching inside, but only for a little bit. I'd get a night of sleep, but then be wracked with guilt and condemnation the next day. It wasn't leading me to a place where I was loving God, others, OR myself any better. And... FOR ME I realized I needed to just STOP. To run to God, to pray, to read His word, or even to do other things that aren't "spiritual" in those times, but that cutting was no longer an option. And God BLESSED that, God allowed me to experiance joy and peace that I hadn't before. Freedom that I didn't know *I* could experiance.
Buuuut.... there was still desire a lot of the time, there was still that fear of "If I don't cut anymore... who am I?" and about a month or so ago I started allowing the thoughts to come back. Instead of "No, that is not an option." I'd say "Well, I won't do it, but I'll think about it." And I'd imagine what it would be like, and what people would do and say. (NOTE: I <i>never</i> tried to hide it partly because I hate lying to people and partly because I loved, craved, and worshipped the attention I got from it) I stopped reading my Bible, I stopped asking God to give me strength. I allowed myself to believe that if I wasn't DOING it, then I wasn't sinning.
I was sinning. Well... because I babied the thoughts and desires, because I chose to allow my emotions and heart to crave that... I craved it more and more until 2 nights ago I cut myself.
Yes, cutting myself after 175 days of not was a big deal, it was a sad and bad thing, but my "failure" and my falling wasn't 2 nights ago when I chose to bring razor to skin. The day I chose to say "maybe" to it was when I lost the battle.
Y'all, God is soooo amazingly faithful. And, I know that for many of you that is NOT the God that you are seeing right now. If you are anything like me you're like "Didi, good for you that you went 175 days, I just want to be okay for one." He loves us, He cherishes us, He wants us to be happy, to be free, to have a hope and a future. He does. And, your path to healing and freedom from this addiction will not look like mine. And, that is GOD'S amazingness!! We're not robots, there is no one answer or one plan.
But, the thing I so want to stress to you today is -
A: We cannot stop cutting just because we decide to one day.
B: We need other people and accountability. It is embarrassing to tell your parents, or pastor, or close friend for the 100th time "I am really struggling right now" or "I cut last night." But, we NEED that in our lives. And, not people who are going to say "I'm sorry" and then there's nothing more. We NEED people who will walk along with us, we need people we care about, we need people we love and who love us back. An online forum is an amazing gift from God, but I would urge you to not allow this to be your only means of help. If you can't tell anyone else and need someone I am SUPER glad you are able to come here and find care. But, there is only so much WE can do.
C: And, here is my newest "no duh" in my life... it doesn't start when you start to bleed. It starts when you say "I hate myself" it starts when you think "Well, maybe just one more time." it starts when we believe THE LIES that satan throws at us.
I have such love in my heart for you guys. I don't know you, I've probably only met 1 or 2 even on this forum, but I know some of what you are going through. I am there. I HURT for you... So, please know I am not trying to preach at you or in any way tell you it'll be easy. And... it's not okay. I'm sorry, but I am not one of those people who will tell you "Well, just don't cut - you're fine." You're not fine. You're hurting. You're craving. You need and are not experiancing what you need. I KNOW, and I am so sorry. I just want to share what God is teaching me and hope maybe God can use it to tell help one of you today.
With Love,
Didi
You don't know me, my name is Didi. I am 22 years old.
I wanted to share this with you, and I hope God will be able to encourage and minister to you, but.... it's all about MY sin.
In March of this year I had a very deep conversation with a friend where I realized that in my life cutting was definitely SIN. I was in a place where I was pushing God away because I couldn't love Him and love my control to cut at the same time. My friend basically told me "Didi, you have to either choose to pursue God and allow yourself to experiance that emotional pain and hurt by TRUSTING Him or you need to stop pretending to worship God with your life and pursue your own desires." And, I was really affected. I LOVE God, but it's sooooo hard to trust Him.
Well, over the next few days after that I thought and prayed and realized that cutting was HURTING me. Yes, it relieved the pressure and aching inside, but only for a little bit. I'd get a night of sleep, but then be wracked with guilt and condemnation the next day. It wasn't leading me to a place where I was loving God, others, OR myself any better. And... FOR ME I realized I needed to just STOP. To run to God, to pray, to read His word, or even to do other things that aren't "spiritual" in those times, but that cutting was no longer an option. And God BLESSED that, God allowed me to experiance joy and peace that I hadn't before. Freedom that I didn't know *I* could experiance.
Buuuut.... there was still desire a lot of the time, there was still that fear of "If I don't cut anymore... who am I?" and about a month or so ago I started allowing the thoughts to come back. Instead of "No, that is not an option." I'd say "Well, I won't do it, but I'll think about it." And I'd imagine what it would be like, and what people would do and say. (NOTE: I <i>never</i> tried to hide it partly because I hate lying to people and partly because I loved, craved, and worshipped the attention I got from it) I stopped reading my Bible, I stopped asking God to give me strength. I allowed myself to believe that if I wasn't DOING it, then I wasn't sinning.
I was sinning. Well... because I babied the thoughts and desires, because I chose to allow my emotions and heart to crave that... I craved it more and more until 2 nights ago I cut myself.
Yes, cutting myself after 175 days of not was a big deal, it was a sad and bad thing, but my "failure" and my falling wasn't 2 nights ago when I chose to bring razor to skin. The day I chose to say "maybe" to it was when I lost the battle.
Y'all, God is soooo amazingly faithful. And, I know that for many of you that is NOT the God that you are seeing right now. If you are anything like me you're like "Didi, good for you that you went 175 days, I just want to be okay for one." He loves us, He cherishes us, He wants us to be happy, to be free, to have a hope and a future. He does. And, your path to healing and freedom from this addiction will not look like mine. And, that is GOD'S amazingness!! We're not robots, there is no one answer or one plan.
But, the thing I so want to stress to you today is -
A: We cannot stop cutting just because we decide to one day.
B: We need other people and accountability. It is embarrassing to tell your parents, or pastor, or close friend for the 100th time "I am really struggling right now" or "I cut last night." But, we NEED that in our lives. And, not people who are going to say "I'm sorry" and then there's nothing more. We NEED people who will walk along with us, we need people we care about, we need people we love and who love us back. An online forum is an amazing gift from God, but I would urge you to not allow this to be your only means of help. If you can't tell anyone else and need someone I am SUPER glad you are able to come here and find care. But, there is only so much WE can do.
C: And, here is my newest "no duh" in my life... it doesn't start when you start to bleed. It starts when you say "I hate myself" it starts when you think "Well, maybe just one more time." it starts when we believe THE LIES that satan throws at us.
I have such love in my heart for you guys. I don't know you, I've probably only met 1 or 2 even on this forum, but I know some of what you are going through. I am there. I HURT for you... So, please know I am not trying to preach at you or in any way tell you it'll be easy. And... it's not okay. I'm sorry, but I am not one of those people who will tell you "Well, just don't cut - you're fine." You're not fine. You're hurting. You're craving. You need and are not experiancing what you need. I KNOW, and I am so sorry. I just want to share what God is teaching me and hope maybe God can use it to tell help one of you today.
With Love,
Didi
