am I wrong?

luv4godremains · Apr 14, 2006

I had to be taken to hospital yesterday, I feel no remorse for what I did, only the fear I put in my friend and for wasting the paramedics time on someone who doesn't know how to stop. I wouldn't even call for help myself, my friend had to, I knew it was bad, but I was too scared to go, "yer, I just did this to myself, can you sort it out for me please?" and I feel really bad for them and for the people who found out (my friend rang the church so I wouldn't be on my own their cos she lives a while away) but I don't feel bad about what I did at all! In fact, right now, I need to do it soo bad again, but I'm tryin not to. do you guys think I'm wrong for not caring about what I did?

Tubachick · Apr 14, 2006

I know how hard it can be to not cut. Its a daily battle. And im sorry but im not sure what to tell you about you being wrong or not... I will be playing for you. Godspeed!
PS- its a good thing you have good friends

goldenviolet · Apr 14, 2006

sweetheart. it sounds like you do care. it sounds like you are frustated with yourself and can't understand how to make your care enough to act on what it is you are thinking about. God bless you. it's part of this cycle of whatever it is that is causing you to struggle.
have you considered talking to a crisis center about it.
counseling is great. i'll bet a youth pastor or support group would also have some ideas for you. it took counseling to get me to understand why i did what i did, and how to stop. learning about the why's and how's from a professional is very comforting and empowering.

luv4godremains · Apr 15, 2006

I have "help" like, my mate persuaded me to go to the doctors about how depressed I get and everything, so I did, and they transferred me to the child and family clinic (basically for people struggling with some of the stuff I am) but it's just sooo hard, I can't tell them the main thing that makes me struggle cos my mum's there, or when she isn't they'd mention it at a tmie that she is, and I CAN'T let her know, it would tear her inside out!

I just don't know why I don't care about what I did, and I hate not feeling guilty, cos I know that untill I start feeling guilty again, then there's no way I can stop!

I remember thinking when I got out, after the church had rung me a couple of times, that maybe it would have been better to have been a suicide attempt like they all thought it was, cos that deep n everything, it finally would have worked, and I don't even feel guilty about those thoughts! I'm sooo stuck, and don't see how my survival method, my way to stay here can be wrong, can be so... so sinful!

Mr.Cheese · Apr 16, 2006

aww. self-injury and suicide are entirely different things.

As far as not feeling guilty, *thinks*

Here is what I would consider in the meantime. 1. You need to take care of yourself. I know that sounds odd since you self-injure, but you do. If you went too far you need to have someone you can tell. Someone you can trust. Someone who will help you care for you when you don't care for yourself. It sounds like you have that.
2. another thing that I think is important is caring for your wounds. You may not want to but you need to so something worse doesn't set in, such as some kind of infection.

I would love to see you recover. In the meantime I worry a lot less for you guys if you at least do these two things.

Forget what the orderlies may or may not think if you have to go to the hospital. That doesn't matter. Getting the care you need when you need it is what matters.

luv4godremains · Apr 16, 2006

thanks Mr.Cheese, I generally make sure they're clean and everything cos, well, I'm a clean freak! lol, and have people who care and everything, just wish I could understand dis a lil better! and maybe myself in the meantime!

pockleberry · Apr 17, 2006

Hugs hun you know I am always there for you. I know some of the things that you strugle with. I think that as well as the ppl you are seeing with your mum you need to try and find a councellor. They are soo much better with the confidentiality thing. I've told mine things that I know if I had ever metioned to the ppl in the child and family clinic they would have told my mum without a thought but my councellor never would. Obviously they have to tell people if you ever seem at risk but If I am right about which thing it is causing you all these problems I'm pretty sure they would not have to tell anyone. I will find out for you. I love you so much and don't wanna see you hurting like this

luv4godremains · Apr 17, 2006

they wouldn't cos it's in the past and I'm not at risk, but, I find it soo hard to trust people because of the things that make me feel like this!

I would find a councellor, but, the only way to do that would be to go privately, and we just can't afford that, for starters we just had to get a car that works (unlike the last one now rli! lol) so mum can go to work!

I just feel sooo lost, I was chattin to a mate on sunday night at church, and she understands soo much, it doesn't make it easier to got hru, but it means dat, well, there's someone I can c who can tell immediatly, even when I'm covering it up, how I feel, and just give me a hug or w/e wen I need it!

she described exactly how I feel, just showin how well she understands! like, I'm walking ni a completely black/dark room, and keep walking into walls not finding the door, and every now and then there's a light and it just goes away just before you reach it, like it's teasin ya, laughing in ur face! and the room keeps gettin bigger!

I hate this feeling, it feel like there are only 2 things to do, get myself out in the only way I know how, or to survive by the only means I have to do so!

salvation12288 · Apr 17, 2006

Oh sweety!!! Please don't hurt yourself. I am a self injurer and it's a problem you need to come to terms with!! You need to trust God! I know how hard it is! It's so hard! Did you try to kill yourself?

Father,
I just pray for this person! I just pray that you will grant him/ her strength to overcome and turn away! I know you can help him/her and I pray that you will!!
IN JESUS NAME,
AMEN

luv4godremains · Apr 18, 2006

nah, as much as I think about it and want to, I have to think about my family and friends! Soooo many times I wish I would just get it over and done with, but it'd not do anyone any good, the dreams God gave me to hold onto to get me through this, it would waste them! and what's the point in asking God for a dream if you aren't going to take it and live it to it's fullest?

They want me to go on atni-depressants, I on't know how I feel about that, I'm not saying that people on them are weak, cos I know they aren't, but for me it feels like if I did I would be giving in and being weak!
I'm soo confused! I wish God hadn't ever created this earth, cos, it only causes pain, I can't see a point, a way out, or a light, anything, I'm sooo lost!

pockleberry · Apr 18, 2006

I saw someone privatly and didn't have to pay...maybe there is someone like my councellor near you...why don't you ask someone from church if they know about anything you don't have to tell them why you're asking or you could say it was for a friend if that made you feel more comfortable...

salvation12288 · Apr 18, 2006

Sometimes we feel lost. Why don't you dig into the bible. That helps! It really does!

luv4godremains · Apr 18, 2006

Suse, I would, but they offerred it a few years ago, I turned it down cos the only person the church has is a friend of family, and as much as I know I should trust her, I just don't know how to, my trust has been broken far too many times now for me to trust people I don't know again, I won't even trust my mum for how she has treated me lately!

I do read my bible quite often, guess the past few days have been harder, partly last night as I didn't have my glasses (they're fixed now tho so will read the bible tonight) and cos I've been ill, but I can't make excuses, will read tonight! thanks!

pockleberry · Apr 19, 2006

I didn't mean that it had to be someone connected to the church but sometimes they know of other councellors that they could maybe get you in touch with if that makes sence...

Im-revived · Apr 19, 2006

Ok sweetheart, I noticed you live in this country, your 16 and there is confidential help around for someone your age. The NHS through your doctor can get you the help you need. Sometimes it comes to a point were you have to think of what you need, not what others think, worrying about how others think will continue to stop you reaching out for help. Your lack of trust, is part of the reason why you do harm yourself, but what you need to try and think about is, yes I'm doing this and feeling like this now, but if I can get help, learn to trust, theres going to be someone one day whos going through the same youve gone through, and you'll be able to empathise, help and support them.

Hang on in there!

When you find you running out
Of time and energy,
And you feel that never again
Will there be happiness to see.

Remember that life has a way
Of turning right around
All the trials and tribulations
That are sometimes to be found.

So like the morning sunrise
That shines so beautifully
Just keep on hanging in there
For soon an answer you will see!

Im-revived

luv4godremains said:
nah, as much as I think about it and want to, I have to think about my family and friends! Soooo many times I wish I would just get it over and done with, but it'd not do anyone any good, the dreams God gave me to hold onto to get me through this, it would waste them! and what's the point in asking God for a dream if you aren't going to take it and live it to it's fullest?

luv4godremains said:
They want me to go on atni-depressants, I on't know how I feel about that, I'm not saying that people on them are weak, cos I know they aren't, but for me it feels like if I did I would be giving in and being weak!
I'm soo confused! I wish God hadn't ever created this earth, cos, it only causes pain, I can't see a point, a way out, or a light, anything, I'm sooo lost!

Airline · Apr 20, 2006

It makes me sad to read how desperate you are for someone to trust. You have obviously been hurt by someone close and so feel you dont have anyone you can turn to as the person may find out, what you need to do is put yourself first, no-one else will.You said that God has a dream(plan) for your life and as Im-revived said your experience can be used by God to help others who are in the same boat as you. Start to pray for the right person to talk to,follow Im revived(Janes) suggestion, be active in getting help, the hardest thing is to ask because we always think we will cope but no-one who has had a hard time as you obviously have is expected to cope by themselves, yes we have God but we also have someone else God will show you once you take that first step. About the anti depressants, you are absolutely not weak if you take them, they just help you cope when things get tough as it gives back what the brain lacks at this time.Remember the devil comes to steal and destroy God comes to give victory-trust Him He will answer your needs.His love for you is great and He hurts when you hurt,He longs for you to turn to Him and trust Him to work things out.
i will be praying God gives you the strength and direction to get the help needed so the rest of your life can be better than the past.

luv4godremains · Apr 20, 2006

thanks guys, I got help through my doctors, that's where I am now, and my youth leader said that she thinks I need councelling on my own, but I'm too afraid to say to them that I'd like for my mum not to be around and what is said not to reach her in any way shape or form, it's just too hard, I just don't know how to do it, and I don't know if I'm allowed to!

Im-revived · Apr 20, 2006

This is now were you need to start having Faith and Trust, starting with God. Ask him for courage, he will give you it, ask him for words to say, he will help you. Theres never any harm in asking a simple question, the answer will be either yes or No. Just simple questions to ask and some suggestions.

1. Do I have to have my mum with me? In England I know the answer should be No. Its slightly different in Wales or Scotland, but I pressume your flag represents England as Wales and Scotland have different flags.
If by any chance they do say you need someone over 18 with you, which I doubt, it doesn't necessary mean a parent, you mention your Pastor knows, so theres an opportunity there.

2. Counselling is a good idea, wether its by a therapist or Church counsellor, your mum would respect the fact you are getting help and want help. Again in confidence.

3. I will be honest with you though, and you would be told this before going into any sort of counselling/therapy, you will be told that if theres anyone who thinks you are at risk, I mean suicidal or any risk of harm to others, that is the only point in any help confidance would have to be broken. A therapist or counsellor would have no choice in that. In England self harm is treated confidentially, and its more the root of the problem they look at.

I really think sweetheart you would gain alot of support from getting help, all I can say is it does work, and like I said in an earlier post, its time for you now to get the help you need. No-one will think your soft, silly or anything like that. You just need to regain trust, faith and know that yes it maybe a struggle at times when talking, but Gods by your side every step.

Im-revived

luv4godremains said:
thanks guys, I got help through my doctors, that's where I am now, and my youth leader said that she thinks I need councelling on my own, but I'm too afraid to say to them that I'd like for my mum not to be around and what is said not to reach her in any way shape or form, it's just too hard, I just don't know how to do it, and I don't know if I'm allowed to!

salvation12288 · Apr 20, 2006

Personally, counselling has done nothing for me. It may do something for you so maybe you should give it a try, but Counselling did not help me at all!!

luv4godremains · Apr 21, 2006

thanks guys, I'm just really scared, it feels like I would be letting my mum down to say I would like it on my own, after everything we've been through, she wasn't always there, no, and yer, for ages I was practically bringing myself up, but, she's my mum, and she's the only one who has always cared, the only one who has wanted to be there, even when she couldn't be!
I know it's stupid and everything, but it's just soo hard, I'm trying, and I'm trying to pray, but both things at the moment are soo hard to do! Guess I just nee to take what will feel like a leap of faith and ask! no matter how scared I am, if I don't ever step out, I won't get anywhere in life!
I'm sooo down right now though, could do with prayers, am trying sooo hard to stay away from doing what I know will only bring more harm. I'm scared because the things Im' hearing, I can't get rid of, and I just want out of this all again, I don't know how much more I can take! please pray guys, am soo down right now, don't know how much longer I can last with anything!

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