Am I in the wrong for saying "no"?

[EnriqueNye]

Hello everyone,

My wife and I are part of a church, and we're very active in serving. Last year we occasionally served in the nursery on Sundays, and I was often scheduled to clean the church on a Saturday before church. On top of that, I shoveled all the paths and was backup to lockup the church every night, and my wife and I both served in AWANA. We also served on youth retreats and summer bible camps, and I'm on the men's ministry leadership team. Over the summer, we were asked to serve in Sunday school which is leading a class of older kids in bible study. We were told this would replace our nursery service.

We found all this serving to be a very draining for us over the past year, and going forward into the fall, we decided to cut back. I would no longer be shoveling or locking up the church at night, and we would serve at AWANA less often. A few weeks before the new serving schedules came out, one of the pastors called me up and asked if we could do nursery in addition to Sunday school. We initially told him no as we understood it to be a replacement, but he said it would only be one additional Sunday at most we'd have to do, so we agreed. Yesterday the schedules came out, and we found out that they had put us on twice. We called him up and said we'd only agreed to do it once in addition to us doing Sunday school classes. He said he would take care of it, but did not apologize or anything. I got the vibe that he won't change it and ask us to do it anyway last minute. My wife and I thought it felt like we're being taken advantage of.

My church kind of has a culture of voluntelling people into things. The new lead pastor has even joked about it in his sermon before. There have been times when I'll be sent an email thanking me for serving in a certain way that I never said I would or could do, and when I was younger, single, and not a Christian, there was a time where I said I no longer wanted to serve in nursery at all and not to put me on the schedule, and they did anyway. I feel bad for saying no when they've already made the schedule, and now they'll have to find someone else to serve an additional week, but I also feel it's necessary for me to put my foot down here so they will stop assuming that everyone will blindly put up with this. My wife and I are happy and willing to serve, but we don't want to be taken advantage of.

I'm curious to see people's thoughts on this. Any feedback would be helpful. Thanks!

 

[PloverWing]

Say no when you need to say no. It's good to serve God through the church, but it's also important to protect your own well-being. It sounds like you're doing plenty at church. There's no need to feel guilty for stepping back and doing a little less.

Your new lead pastor and your church lay leaders would do well to pay attention to the danger of burnout among members of the congregation. Sometimes, when church members are taking on more responsibilities than they can easily handle, they break down, or they quit everything, or they leave the church. (This happens to clergy, too.) It's better for the congregation to pay attention to each other's work load and mental health, and ease up on the voluntelling before burnout happens.

 

[EnriqueNye]

Say no when you need to say no. It's good to serve God through the church, but it's also important to protect your own well-being. It sounds like you're doing plenty at church. There's no need to feel guilty for stepping back and doing a little less.

Your new lead pastor and your church lay leaders would do well to pay attention to the danger of burnout among members of the congregation. Sometimes, when church members are taking on more responsibilities than they can easily handle, they break down, or they quit everything, or they leave the church. (This happens to clergy, too.) It's better for the congregation to pay attention to each other's work load and mental health, and ease up on the voluntelling before burnout happens.

Well said. Thank you!

 

[Unqualified]

No, you are doing too much.

 

[sandman]

As I tell my fellow saints in the fellowship. When giving (money or services) becomes a chore …stop.

Giving should emanate from the heart of desire to bless others, which in return God blesses you. When it goes from blessing others to grudgingly or out of necessity there are three choices. You either make a new decision (renew your mind)… just be honest and gracefully bow out ….Or you can do it grudgingly in which case …no one gets blessed…. So …you may as well not even have done it.

I have at times done things…. where it started out grudgingly, but I was able to change my thinking mid-point …. (I think that counts for half of a reward with God.)

The fulfillment I get from doing something to bless others is overwhelming…..But I also have no problem saying ….I can’t, I won’t, I don’t want to, or I am not blessed to do that.

But your situation is different, and I agree with PloverWing.

 

[Soyeong]

Hello everyone,

My wife and I are part of a church, and we're very active in serving. Last year we occasionally served in the nursery on Sundays, and I was often scheduled to clean the church on a Saturday before church. On top of that, I shoveled all the paths and was backup to lockup the church every night, and my wife and I both served in AWANA. We also served on youth retreats and summer bible camps, and I'm on the men's ministry leadership team. Over the summer, we were asked to serve in Sunday school which is leading a class of older kids in bible study. We were told this would replace our nursery service.

We found all this serving to be a very draining for us over the past year, and going forward into the fall, we decided to cut back. I would no longer be shoveling or locking up the church at night, and we would serve at AWANA less often. A few weeks before the new serving schedules came out, one of the pastors called me up and asked if we could do nursery in addition to Sunday school. We initially told him no as we understood it to be a replacement, but he said it would only be one additional Sunday at most we'd have to do, so we agreed. Yesterday the schedules came out, and we found out that they had put us on twice. We called him up and said we'd only agreed to do it once in addition to us doing Sunday school classes. He said he would take care of it, but did not apologize or anything. I got the vibe that he won't change it and ask us to do it anyway last minute. My wife and I thought it felt like we're being taken advantage of.

My church kind of has a culture of voluntelling people into things. The new lead pastor has even joked about it in his sermon before. There have been times when I'll be sent an email thanking me for serving in a certain way that I never said I would or could do, and when I was younger, single, and not a Christian, there was a time where I said I no longer wanted to serve in nursery at all and not to put me on the schedule, and they did anyway. I feel bad for saying no when they've already made the schedule, and now they'll have to find someone else to serve an additional week, but I also feel it's necessary for me to put my foot down here so they will stop assuming that everyone will blindly put up with this. My wife and I are happy and willing to serve, but we don't want to be taken advantage of.

I'm curious to see people's thoughts on this. Any feedback would be helpful. Thanks!

Even if you weren't already doing a lot, you have the freedom to say no without needing to give an excuse. There are a lot of people who work in ministry who have trouble with saying no because they understandably want to help, but that often leads to people taking on more than is healthy for them to do and burning out, so it is important to learn how to say no.

 

[com7fy8]

First, we can pray and be guided by God. And God will guide you in His peace . . . and there are times He will correct you first, so then you are obeying Him in His peace. And He will work you together with others who are honest and guided with Him.

"'Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'" (Matthew 11:29)

My opinion is God gives us life-long callings. If, for example, I am responsible for taking care of chairs, no one needs to keep track of me. Where chairs are used for an occasion, I will know the schedule and be there. And God will have people seeing me help and even beg to help me.

I believe you need to have mature people ministering with the children. These are ones who do not need to be begged, as though the children are a chore and second-rate people. People called and prepared by God know what they are doing, and God's way is they get the help they need, no begging or turn-arounds. They are strong, well-known, important Christians, and the children know they are getting the best.

So, do these pastors minister so you are obviously growing in Jesus and in how to relate in marriage and other Christian family sharing? Are they ministering for you to make sure you obey Jesus in His "rest for your souls" (Matthew 11:29)?

By the way - - - I understand that a pastor is not called to handle chore schedules. In a sound mature church there can be members who take care of chores and scheduling. Pastors are to rest in prayer and ministry of the word.

If they have trustworthy people, they can delegate matters of money and building management and politics to God's people whom God has provided for this.

But in order for you to get into a situation like this . . . God bless you to find out how . . . wherever you really belong. You need to become able to be guided by God and able to perceive who His trustworthy leaders are. Jesus is our Shepherd who takes care of this.

 

[YorkieGal]

Just say no. No one has the right to bulldoze others into doing things and a man should be comfortable in telling another man no regardless of the other mans title, uniform etc.

If they are tricking or manipulating, then you have no obligation to do anything and I think saying 'no' sends a good message to your family, yourself and even others in the congregation about your personal strength and the ability to recognize toxic behavior and resist.

 

[godisagardener]

2 Corinthians 9:6-7 --

(6) The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.
(7) Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

I don't think these verses are just about monetary giving. They're about giving of time and self also. When we're beyond the point of giving cheerfully we need to learn to say no.

 

[anetazo]

Some Christian people are called to serve God. We have different gifts and abilities. If your capable of teaching God's word. This would be very valuable to Jesus. Thiers many lost souls headed for sheol. Evangelists and teachers are needed to plant seeds for God.

Some Christian people are good at making money and helping the poor. This is using your gift.
Ephesians 4:10 to 4:13. Christian people have different gifts and functions.
If your working full time job. Don't push your self to please people.
Yes, Jesus wants Christian people to produce fruit. It's sharing Gods truth with others. Little here. A little again another time. Don't exert your self.
Look at your limitations. Only handle what your capable of.

James chapter 2:17 to 2:26 . Faith and works.
Good works is using your ability and gifts to help others. But know your limitations. And don't be men pleasers.

Dead works. This is false brethren. Teaching traditions of men and false doctrine. Or just too lazy to study the bible and plant seeds for God.

Know your limitations and plant seeds for God. Don't be man pleaser. Put Jesus first.

I hope this helps.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

Hello everyone,

My wife and I are part of a church, and we're very active in serving. Last year we occasionally served in the nursery on Sundays, and I was often scheduled to clean the church on a Saturday before church. On top of that, I shoveled all the paths and was backup to lockup the church every night, and my wife and I both served in AWANA. We also served on youth retreats and summer bible camps, and I'm on the men's ministry leadership team. Over the summer, we were asked to serve in Sunday school which is leading a class of older kids in bible study. We were told this would replace our nursery service.

We found all this serving to be a very draining for us over the past year, and going forward into the fall, we decided to cut back. I would no longer be shoveling or locking up the church at night, and we would serve at AWANA less often. A few weeks before the new serving schedules came out, one of the pastors called me up and asked if we could do nursery in addition to Sunday school. We initially told him no as we understood it to be a replacement, but he said it would only be one additional Sunday at most we'd have to do, so we agreed. Yesterday the schedules came out, and we found out that they had put us on twice. We called him up and said we'd only agreed to do it once in addition to us doing Sunday school classes. He said he would take care of it, but did not apologize or anything. I got the vibe that he won't change it and ask us to do it anyway last minute. My wife and I thought it felt like we're being taken advantage of.

My church kind of has a culture of voluntelling people into things. The new lead pastor has even joked about it in his sermon before. There have been times when I'll be sent an email thanking me for serving in a certain way that I never said I would or could do, and when I was younger, single, and not a Christian, there was a time where I said I no longer wanted to serve in nursery at all and not to put me on the schedule, and they did anyway. I feel bad for saying no when they've already made the schedule, and now they'll have to find someone else to serve an additional week, but I also feel it's necessary for me to put my foot down here so they will stop assuming that everyone will blindly put up with this. My wife and I are happy and willing to serve, but we don't want to be taken advantage of.

I'm curious to see people's thoughts on this. Any feedback would be helpful. Thanks!

I believe that a congregation, who violates the autonomy of its members , is well on it's way to cultivating an atmosphere of animosity and bitterness. I suspect you are not the only one feeling like this. It is time to speak to leadership about this behavior. We as Christians desire to give with a cheerful heart however , if one is being manipulated that cheerfulness is in jeopardy. IMHO
Blessings.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

Hello everyone,

My wife and I are part of a church, and we're very active in serving. Last year we occasionally served in the nursery on Sundays, and I was often scheduled to clean the church on a Saturday before church. On top of that, I shoveled all the paths and was backup to lockup the church every night, and my wife and I both served in AWANA. We also served on youth retreats and summer bible camps, and I'm on the men's ministry leadership team. Over the summer, we were asked to serve in Sunday school which is leading a class of older kids in bible study. We were told this would replace our nursery service.

We found all this serving to be a very draining for us over the past year, and going forward into the fall, we decided to cut back. I would no longer be shoveling or locking up the church at night, and we would serve at AWANA less often. A few weeks before the new serving schedules came out, one of the pastors called me up and asked if we could do nursery in addition to Sunday school. We initially told him no as we understood it to be a replacement, but he said it would only be one additional Sunday at most we'd have to do, so we agreed. Yesterday the schedules came out, and we found out that they had put us on twice. We called him up and said we'd only agreed to do it once in addition to us doing Sunday school classes. He said he would take care of it, but did not apologize or anything. I got the vibe that he won't change it and ask us to do it anyway last minute. My wife and I thought it felt like we're being taken advantage of.

My church kind of has a culture of voluntelling people into things. The new lead pastor has even joked about it in his sermon before. There have been times when I'll be sent an email thanking me for serving in a certain way that I never said I would or could do, and when I was younger, single, and not a Christian, there was a time where I said I no longer wanted to serve in nursery at all and not to put me on the schedule, and they did anyway. I feel bad for saying no when they've already made the schedule, and now they'll have to find someone else to serve an additional week, but I also feel it's necessary for me to put my foot down here so they will stop assuming that everyone will blindly put up with this. My wife and I are happy and willing to serve, but we don't want to be taken advantage of.

I'm curious to see people's thoughts on this. Any feedback would be helpful. Thanks!

Personally, I NEVER put up very long with psychological manipulation, even that made by a pastor. Their so-called "spiritual authority" doesn't extend that far and it's time for those who want to enter the pastoral positions as a profession to learn this ....................................

 

[linux.poet]

No, you are not. Being a developed human being means having healthy boundaries against manipulators.

6 Now I say this: the one who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and the one who sows generously will also reap generously. 7 Each one must do just as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

Giving can refer to money, but it can also refer to time as well, as Dr. Henry Cloud explains in Changes That Heal. (I've been reading that book recently.) Dr. Cloud explains that having boundaries and saying no is about knowing who you are in Christ and what you have to give, the best use of your limited time on this earth for God's glory and honor. This allows you to be free to give of yourself, or not give, as you deem fit.

By stepping back, you are concentrating on your areas of serving strength (teaching children) and letting others more gifted in rock shoveling take on that particular task. This allows all of the members of the body of Christ to serve where they are best fit.

It's not wrong to get some rest either:

“Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is comfortable, and My burden is light.”

It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.

Obviously you should not be slaves to the voluntellers and their demands. That will only make your service more miserable. If they put you on the schedule again, confront them for violating 2 Corinthians 9:6-7 and ask to be removed. Don't be a pushover - pushovers get taken advantage of. If they try to guilt you or lecture you about the importance of service, stand your ground: the Scripture is Scripture. If they persist in spite of this, find another church.

If, for example, I am responsible for taking care of chairs, no one needs to keep track of me. Where chairs are used for an occasion, I will know the schedule and be there. And God will have people seeing me help and even beg to help me.

This was me during Covid, out there moving chairs. I also served as an Awana secretary for a number of years, so I probably have the Spiritual Gift of Inventory.

 

[splish- splash]

I do not see how you can be wrong in saying no. If it's draining you then its too much for you.. it doesn't mean that if you're doing God's work you should end up being abused..

Church leaders have a tendency of imposing duties & tasks on members that are mostly reliable. It's not just at your church that things like this happen. This happens almost everywhere.

God loves order even in His house. Your leaders may not be very organised.

 

[Michie]

Hello everyone,

My wife and I are part of a church, and we're very active in serving. Last year we occasionally served in the nursery on Sundays, and I was often scheduled to clean the church on a Saturday before church. On top of that, I shoveled all the paths and was backup to lockup the church every night, and my wife and I both served in AWANA. We also served on youth retreats and summer bible camps, and I'm on the men's ministry leadership team. Over the summer, we were asked to serve in Sunday school which is leading a class of older kids in bible study. We were told this would replace our nursery service.

We found all this serving to be a very draining for us over the past year, and going forward into the fall, we decided to cut back. I would no longer be shoveling or locking up the church at night, and we would serve at AWANA less often. A few weeks before the new serving schedules came out, one of the pastors called me up and asked if we could do nursery in addition to Sunday school. We initially told him no as we understood it to be a replacement, but he said it would only be one additional Sunday at most we'd have to do, so we agreed. Yesterday the schedules came out, and we found out that they had put us on twice. We called him up and said we'd only agreed to do it once in addition to us doing Sunday school classes. He said he would take care of it, but did not apologize or anything. I got the vibe that he won't change it and ask us to do it anyway last minute. My wife and I thought it felt like we're being taken advantage of.

My church kind of has a culture of voluntelling people into things. The new lead pastor has even joked about it in his sermon before. There have been times when I'll be sent an email thanking me for serving in a certain way that I never said I would or could do, and when I was younger, single, and not a Christian, there was a time where I said I no longer wanted to serve in nursery at all and not to put me on the schedule, and they did anyway. I feel bad for saying no when they've already made the schedule, and now they'll have to find someone else to serve an additional week, but I also feel it's necessary for me to put my foot down here so they will stop assuming that everyone will blindly put up with this. My wife and I are happy and willing to serve, but we don't want to be taken advantage of.

I'm curious to see people's thoughts on this. Any feedback would be helpful. Thanks!

Nope. You were not in the wrong at all. I know I was suffering burn out for awhile with Church activities. Sounds like you’ve done more than your fair share. It is not smart or realistic to just hone in on you and your wife to take care of these things. Maybe the Church needs to start a group willing to do certain things to pick up the slack. There is no reason to feel badly about it.

 

[SavedByGrace3]

Church leaders have a tendency of imposing duties & tasks on members that are mostly reliable. It's not just at your church that things like this happen. This happens almost everywhere.

I had a co-worker who had this philosophy. You have to mess up once in a while. Screaw up the job. Intentionally take too long. If you do a good job all the time, you are the one they call all the time. Of course, he was fired not too long after that.