After almost 7 months of dating, my boyfriend and I are breaking up. I was raised in a protestant church, but am not a Christian. My boyfriend is. We love each other very much, and get along really well. And it's the fact that he was a Christian that attracted me to him in the first place. But, it's that same reason why we're growing apart. From the very beginning, I knew this would happen, but I just wanted to be with him. I was well aware of the fact that we were "unequally yolked", but I ignored my common sense and chose to date him, anyway. I had hoped that at some point, I would feel "conviction" for not being a Christian, but unfortunately, that never happened. And because of that difference, neither one of us really saw the relationship progressing. So, ultimately, I've decided that the best, and most unselfish, thing I can do for him is to let go. My heart is breaking over this, and is making me physically ill. What I want to know is am I doing the right thing, or could there possibly still be a chance that we can still have a life together? I love him so much, but I just want to do what's best.
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AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING?
- Thread starter Just_Me
- Start date
Wow! I'm really inspired by your post. Thank you for telling your story. You are doing the right thing. It will only cause you both more pain in the future if you continue the relationship. If you continued your relationship, you will both eventually grow further and further apart. Also, he will eventually feel the conviction of dating a non-christian and be forced to break up. Either way the more time you stay together the harder it is to leave. I know, I am facing this situation now. I have been with my boyfriend for three years and am now having to face the fact I can never marry him. I must break up.. it's so hard, but I know God will give me the strength in His time. I know it took A LOT of courage and strength to make this decision, but I will tell you - it's a wise one.
Also, I find it interesting that you said you grew up protestant and that you are now a non-believer, but you are attracted to christians? Are searching for approval from your parents through the boys you date or are you trying to explore your faith through them? Have you tried going to different churches and different denominations of christianity? I also turned away from the church I grew up in because I could not connect. I felt my old church focused on condemnation and guilt instead of uplifting and equipping me. Since then, I found an amazing non-denominational church! Most of the members are around my age and it is very good at teaching and uniting its members. You might want to try other churches and see if God speaks to you. If He does and you are saved, then maybe it will be God's plan for you and your boyfriend to reunite!??! You never know! If you are in the San Diego area, send me a private message and I'll tell you a little about some of the churches I tried out.. if you're interested. Either way, I wish you the best!
Also, I find it interesting that you said you grew up protestant and that you are now a non-believer, but you are attracted to christians? Are searching for approval from your parents through the boys you date or are you trying to explore your faith through them? Have you tried going to different churches and different denominations of christianity? I also turned away from the church I grew up in because I could not connect. I felt my old church focused on condemnation and guilt instead of uplifting and equipping me. Since then, I found an amazing non-denominational church! Most of the members are around my age and it is very good at teaching and uniting its members. You might want to try other churches and see if God speaks to you. If He does and you are saved, then maybe it will be God's plan for you and your boyfriend to reunite!??! You never know! If you are in the San Diego area, send me a private message and I'll tell you a little about some of the churches I tried out.. if you're interested. Either way, I wish you the best!
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Thank you for replying to my post. And in answer to your question....I'm not seeking approval of my parents. I'm old enough (30-something) to realize what the truth is, and the way I should be living. And the fact that he was so open and honest about being a Christian was part of what attracted me to him. I see certain Christians, and the way they live, and I think to myself that "I wish that I could have what they've got". But I can't help it if I don't yet feel the conviction to make that change in my life. I believe that the conviction has to come from God, and it's not just something that you can just decide to do all on your own. But I am hoping against hope that, as you said, "maybe it will be God's plan for you and your boyfriend to reunite", because we are perfect for each other in every other way EXCEPT for that one issue. But please pray that we'll end up doing God's will, and not our own.
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Aww!! That is such a sweet and genuine message.
I apologize for the approval of parents thing... I hope you weren't offended and if so, I hope you can accept my apology... meant no harm at all... just throwing a random guess out there.
I understand how you feel about not feeling the conviction. Your right, the conviction will come from God. Everything is in His time. You seem to be very open and honest like your bf. God will definitely put that tug on your heart.. that desire for Him. When you're ready, God will be there.
I feel your pain and would be honored to pray for you both. I can tell you truly love your bf. Please let me know if there's anything else I can do. If there's anything else you need prayer for.
I apologize for the approval of parents thing... I hope you weren't offended and if so, I hope you can accept my apology... meant no harm at all... just throwing a random guess out there.
I understand how you feel about not feeling the conviction. Your right, the conviction will come from God. Everything is in His time. You seem to be very open and honest like your bf. God will definitely put that tug on your heart.. that desire for Him. When you're ready, God will be there.
I feel your pain and would be honored to pray for you both. I can tell you truly love your bf. Please let me know if there's anything else I can do. If there's anything else you need prayer for.
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Hi sister,
Thanks for sharing your story. I know it is a most confusing and hurtful time.
If you would allow, I would like to make some comments. Be aware that I am very Bible-bias.
Yes I can relate to finding a mate that is a "Christian" highly attractable. In fact it is my top qualification. Simply because I know if all else bad happens... we have GOD as a foundation to rely on.
But that foundation can only stand as strong as the couples believing it. Both party must be equally strong faith-wise. I am sad to say that one partner can not "save" the other just on his/her faith.
That's the catch 22 of our God's love. His love IS there... but YOU have to accept it for yourself.
This is sad to hear and you have my outmost empathy. I have known many pastor's kids who grew up being taught and shown Christianity from their parents... only to have them grow up as thugs and such. I know satan must work extra hard on these subjects but the kids have to take responsiblities too.
Such as youself. I hope I will not sound harsh because it is not my intention.
May I ask you what is holding you back from fully embracing God's love for you?
As you stated, you grew up hearing about God. Even attracted to God's person... yet you don't really know God? You haven''t been "convicted" of God's love?
Are you blaming your lack of conviction on God? I sincerley hope not as that is foolish.
Matthew 7:26 - And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand:
I believe you feel you are doing what is fair for BF because you are not at same stage faith-wise as BF. So he may find someone who is. But you need to seriously ask the better question, why aren't you?
You can be this Christian you hope to be if you allow it. But only you can decide.
Just like if you decide to let this great Christian guy out of your life, hey, it is your choice.. make it and live with the decision.
God bless.
Thanks for sharing your story. I know it is a most confusing and hurtful time.
If you would allow, I would like to make some comments. Be aware that I am very Bible-bias.
Just_Me said:
Yes I can relate to finding a mate that is a "Christian" highly attractable. In fact it is my top qualification. Simply because I know if all else bad happens... we have GOD as a foundation to rely on.
But that foundation can only stand as strong as the couples believing it. Both party must be equally strong faith-wise. I am sad to say that one partner can not "save" the other just on his/her faith.
That's the catch 22 of our God's love. His love IS there... but YOU have to accept it for yourself.
This is sad to hear and you have my outmost empathy. I have known many pastor's kids who grew up being taught and shown Christianity from their parents... only to have them grow up as thugs and such. I know satan must work extra hard on these subjects but the kids have to take responsiblities too.
Such as youself. I hope I will not sound harsh because it is not my intention.
May I ask you what is holding you back from fully embracing God's love for you?
As you stated, you grew up hearing about God. Even attracted to God's person... yet you don't really know God? You haven''t been "convicted" of God's love?
Are you blaming your lack of conviction on God? I sincerley hope not as that is foolish.
Matthew 7:26 - And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand:
I believe you feel you are doing what is fair for BF because you are not at same stage faith-wise as BF. So he may find someone who is. But you need to seriously ask the better question, why aren't you?
You can be this Christian you hope to be if you allow it. But only you can decide.
Just like if you decide to let this great Christian guy out of your life, hey, it is your choice.. make it and live with the decision.
God bless.
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KleinerApfel
When I awake I am still with You
Dear Just_Me,
How sorry I am that you're struggling with this. I am a Christian, married before my conversion, and my husband remains as yet non- Christian.
Well done for recognising this problem and addressing it.
I'm uncertain as to why you are hesitating over your own faith. You say you are waiting for conviction from God, but what exactly do you hope will happen?
We can lean on feelings and experiences too much.
They can be wonderful and faith-affirming, but they are only accessories, not a foundation of faith, which is based on knowledge about the Lord Jesus.
For those with no church background this may come in all sorts of unusual ways, because God understands that they have no previous information to guide them to Him.
However, those who have the benefit of some knowledge tend to gradually put it together, until they reach the intellectual conclusion that this is the truth and requires a response.
Maybe the fact that you are attracted to the way some Christians live out their faith, and the fact you have such a strong conscience over this whole situation, is in fact God calling you.
I'm particularly impressed that a non-Christian would understand the concept of unequal yoking and realise the depth of the problem. I'm sure most don't know or don't care.
I really think God is speaking to you, and giving you this sensitivity.
Feelings come in time, but their abscence should not keep you away from the God who loves you.
May God bless you in all your seeking and in this painful problem,
Susana
How sorry I am that you're struggling with this. I am a Christian, married before my conversion, and my husband remains as yet non- Christian.
Well done for recognising this problem and addressing it.
I'm uncertain as to why you are hesitating over your own faith. You say you are waiting for conviction from God, but what exactly do you hope will happen?
We can lean on feelings and experiences too much.
They can be wonderful and faith-affirming, but they are only accessories, not a foundation of faith, which is based on knowledge about the Lord Jesus.
For those with no church background this may come in all sorts of unusual ways, because God understands that they have no previous information to guide them to Him.
However, those who have the benefit of some knowledge tend to gradually put it together, until they reach the intellectual conclusion that this is the truth and requires a response.
Maybe the fact that you are attracted to the way some Christians live out their faith, and the fact you have such a strong conscience over this whole situation, is in fact God calling you.
I'm particularly impressed that a non-Christian would understand the concept of unequal yoking and realise the depth of the problem. I'm sure most don't know or don't care.
I really think God is speaking to you, and giving you this sensitivity.
Feelings come in time, but their abscence should not keep you away from the God who loves you.
May God bless you in all your seeking and in this painful problem,
Susana
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Just me- Whats happening now is incredible. Im so sorry that you are feeling this pain but im so happy with the way that you are treating this boyfriend of yours. There is so much more love in letting someone go and i truely see how hard it is having been there my self. I was fully in love with a guy. We had been friends for four years before hand as well. Well we kept trying to keep are feelings under control and we couldnt so we realised that we HAD to have complete space, no contact. In the time God has made some outstanding changes in my life and i am so happy to say that now i am saved. Six months later me and the same guy started going out and it was our one month the other day. I am learning so much each and every day about how much glory God deserves and it really helps our relationship. Your so open to this. Ask as many questions as you can. I was FULLY ready to just back out and ignore God as it all got too much but He changed my heart and ive never been happier. It may take a long time, and even if you dont become a christian now know that you did an oustanding and completely self less thing and that deserves BIG brownie points. I hope that what ever happens you are happy. God bless, love in Christ x x x
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charligirl
Senior Veteran
You sound like a incredibly caring and wise woman Just_me.
One thing struck me about your post that I would like to comment on if I may. You seem to be expecting that God would just 'convict' you out of the blue and you would suddenly realise that you need to become a christian? Whilst I know God can move in that way, I know many christians who came to God by a different route, a gradual realisation, or even through logical process!
God is the ultimate gentleman, He never barges His way in, that is why the bible says that Jesus stands at the door and knocks, waiting for us to invite Him in.
I do know that if you have a hunger to find out the truth and want to know if God is real, He will reveal himself to you, He always answers active seekers!! Don't just wait for some feeling to come on you from 'on high' - If you are atrracted by christian men and love this man you must be wondering if what he believes in is true? If the whole heaven/hell/salvation thing is real? You owe it to yourself to actively explore this more.... if we're all wrong then we are just well meaning nice people who 'missed' it somewhere...... but, if we are right after all and God is real then you don't want to get to the end of your days without taking time to really find out.
Have you considered going to an Alpha course? They are specifically designed for people who want to find out more, in an non threatening environment. Even if you think you know what it is all about (I did as I too was raised protestant) you might be suprised by what you learn (I was!!!) http://www.alphausa.org
I'll pray that it all works out for you.
One thing struck me about your post that I would like to comment on if I may. You seem to be expecting that God would just 'convict' you out of the blue and you would suddenly realise that you need to become a christian? Whilst I know God can move in that way, I know many christians who came to God by a different route, a gradual realisation, or even through logical process!
God is the ultimate gentleman, He never barges His way in, that is why the bible says that Jesus stands at the door and knocks, waiting for us to invite Him in.
I do know that if you have a hunger to find out the truth and want to know if God is real, He will reveal himself to you, He always answers active seekers!! Don't just wait for some feeling to come on you from 'on high' - If you are atrracted by christian men and love this man you must be wondering if what he believes in is true? If the whole heaven/hell/salvation thing is real? You owe it to yourself to actively explore this more.... if we're all wrong then we are just well meaning nice people who 'missed' it somewhere...... but, if we are right after all and God is real then you don't want to get to the end of your days without taking time to really find out.
Have you considered going to an Alpha course? They are specifically designed for people who want to find out more, in an non threatening environment. Even if you think you know what it is all about (I did as I too was raised protestant) you might be suprised by what you learn (I was!!!) http://www.alphausa.org
I'll pray that it all works out for you.
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Hello all...
First of all, I'd like to thank you all for your input. It really means a lot to me....
I'm not blaming God for my lack of conviction....It's simply something that hasn't happened yet. As far as what may be holding me back, I don't really know. I've expressed an interest in attending church with him, but he always seems to find reasons as to why he can't. I don't really feel comfortable with the idea of going on my own, plus I feel that it's important that couples attend church together in order for the relationship to grow. I realize that conviction can come no matter where you're at, but as a minister recently told me, you're more likely to feel God where his spirit is (ie: church), than just by sitting at home.
First of all, I'd like to thank you all for your input. It really means a lot to me....
I'm not blaming God for my lack of conviction....It's simply something that hasn't happened yet. As far as what may be holding me back, I don't really know. I've expressed an interest in attending church with him, but he always seems to find reasons as to why he can't. I don't really feel comfortable with the idea of going on my own, plus I feel that it's important that couples attend church together in order for the relationship to grow. I realize that conviction can come no matter where you're at, but as a minister recently told me, you're more likely to feel God where his spirit is (ie: church), than just by sitting at home.
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charligirl
Senior Veteran
Absolutely, unbelievers who come to our church often say they can see or sense something 'different' which is the presence of GodJust_Me said:
I can understand why you would be uncomfortable going alone, it can be a scary thing, and I think it is wisdom to go as a couple. I am suprised your boyf didn't jump at the chance to get you to go with him
does he attend regularly? what type of church is it? perhaps he is scared that you are doing it just for him, or that you would find it boring or overwhelming (depending on the type of church!)I would really recommend Alpha if you can find one local to you as they will be full of people in the same boat as you and it is neutral turf, perhaps you could both go.
Just out of interest what part of the world are you in? I just assumed the US when I gave you the link for Alpha.
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KleinerApfel
When I awake I am still with You
Just_Me,
I agree with Charligirl - Alpha would be great for the two of you to do together, or just yourself if he isn't keen.
I've been involved in groups here in the UK, and both Christians and non-Christians all seem to get something out of it. And not everyone who attends a course is "converted" by any means - so don't feel anxious that you'll be coerced into something you're not ready for.
If nothing else you'll be able to meet and talk to a new group of probably quite diverse people, in a safe, friendly environment, (and when my church did it the food alone was worth turning up for!)
This site tells you where to find a course near you - it's pretty much world-wide, so I hope they do it near enough for you to consider it:-
http://alphacourse.org/findacourse/
God bless, Susana
I agree with Charligirl - Alpha would be great for the two of you to do together, or just yourself if he isn't keen.
I've been involved in groups here in the UK, and both Christians and non-Christians all seem to get something out of it. And not everyone who attends a course is "converted" by any means - so don't feel anxious that you'll be coerced into something you're not ready for.
If nothing else you'll be able to meet and talk to a new group of probably quite diverse people, in a safe, friendly environment, (and when my church did it the food alone was worth turning up for!)
This site tells you where to find a course near you - it's pretty much world-wide, so I hope they do it near enough for you to consider it:-
http://alphacourse.org/findacourse/
God bless, Susana
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