Am I being unreasonable?

Rocky Top said:

Your tone is a bit hypocritical. You're criticising someone for being unwholesome whilst speaking in an unwholesome manner yourself.

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"Unwholesome"? How? I've managed to be fairly polite considering my thought when I read the OP. Sometimes blunt talk hurts feelings...not my problem.

MNewYork said:

Lets get to the meat of whats really bothering me. I went to the trouble of picking my husband out a really thoughtful Christmas gift. I got him a beautiful coat, scarf and tickets for us to see a musical together, as he is always saying we don't get enough alone time. I really thought this would be a nice way to get out for a night on the town and give him exactly what he's been asking for. Now granted the coat is too small, overall I think I did a good job, he was really happy or at least appeared to be. My gifts included the following: I got a YOU DO TOO MUCH desk calender, batteries (because I go through them a lot) an extension pack to a card game we play like 3 times a year, personal training sessions and discounted Sears emerald earrings. Now the personal training was a great gift, I specifically requested it. The earrings, now that's another story. I have wanted emerald earrings for a few years, but the ones he purchased aren't anything I would really wear. When I politely said I didn't think I would wear them, he became defensive saying her thought they looked great. In reality they are too small for my head, plus one earing is bigger than the other. I just feel like I put a lot of effort into his gifts and mine weren't really anything special. I also feel like he gave me stuff he wanted, ie: the batteries and game extension pack. I know I should be grateful for any gift, I just feel miffed and quite genuinely stiffed. The worst part is I feel like the unappreciative jerk who doesn't appreciate the effort on his part. Do I have a right to be kind of annoyed and unappreciated? I mean if I'm being unreasonable then I guess I'll just have to get on board and be okay with a kind of a crappy holiday.

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There are very thoughtful gift-givers and less thoughtful ones. I happen to be a thoughtful one, so I have felt like you do plenty of times in my life.

My solution was to stop the practice of giving gifts at Christmas. We enjoy a really nice dinner instead.

MNewYork said:

Oh... see now I thought going to dinner and the theater would be romantic and we could talk about the musical afterwords. What suggestions do you have?

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going to dinner is a good thing.
a great thing would be going to his place of work at the end of the day and taking him out to dinner for his favorite food as a surprize.

it's all about doing the kind and unexpected things just for him, because he is your husband.
think about what would make him feel special, appreciated, and set apart from other men--and then do that.

MNewYork said:

Wow. I thought this forum was supposed to be open minded Christians willing to give advice with adult redric, maybe not in your case. I don't want or need advice from someone like you. You can go attempt to assist someone else with your endearing words of wisdome.

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There are all types here. Not all are helpful or even polite, as evidenced by some of the comments you've received.

When someone gives you a terrible, or not so great, gift, it is natural to feel hurt. The poor gift choice shows that they don't know you well or don't care enough to put some effort into it. Either way, that can hurt.

Of course what you bring up here is not a major issue. You've said as much in your own words, but you may feel a twinge of hurt/unloved because his gifts don't demonstrate his love for you.

The greater and/or more thoughtful the gift, the greater expression of love. While a thoughtless gift would cause one to question the degree of love of the giver.

In short, your feelings are somewhat understandable. Ignore the haters.

MNewYork said:

Lets get to the meat of whats really bothering me. I went to the trouble of picking my husband out a really thoughtful Christmas gift. I got him a beautiful coat, scarf and tickets for us to see a musical together, as he is always saying we don't get enough alone time. I really thought this would be a nice way to get out for a night on the town and give him exactly what he's been asking for. Now granted the coat is too small, overall I think I did a good job, he was really happy or at least appeared to be. My gifts included the following: I got a YOU DO TOO MUCH desk calender, batteries (because I go through them a lot) an extension pack to a card game we play like 3 times a year, personal training sessions and discounted Sears emerald earrings. Now the personal training was a great gift, I specifically requested it. The earrings, now that's another story. I have wanted emerald earrings for a few years, but the ones he purchased aren't anything I would really wear. When I politely said I didn't think I would wear them, he became defensive saying her thought they looked great. In reality they are too small for my head, plus one earing is bigger than the other. I just feel like I put a lot of effort into his gifts and mine weren't really anything special. I also feel like he gave me stuff he wanted, ie: the batteries and game extension pack. I know I should be grateful for any gift, I just feel miffed and quite genuinely stiffed. The worst part is I feel like the unappreciative jerk who doesn't appreciate the effort on his part. Do I have a right to be kind of annoyed and unappreciated? I mean if I'm being unreasonable then I guess I'll just have to get on board and be okay with a kind of a crappy holiday.

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You have a right to any feeling you have.

If you were to scale on a 1-10 the effort you put into buying your gift for him and the effort you think he put into buying his gift for you, what would be the ratings?

MNewYork said:

Oh... see now I thought going to dinner and the theater would be romantic and we could talk about the musical afterwords. What suggestions do you have?

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My husband and I went to dinner and a musical for one of our anniversaries. We had a blast and still talk about it to this day. It was a thoughtful gift.

That said, his gifts were thoughtful too. You are looking to find fault in him (something I've been guilty of with my husband too) and creating disharmony where it doesn't need to exist.

Why not thank God that you have a husband who thought of you at all? You are truly blessed. You can trade in the earrings. He can trade it the coat. Go to the theater and use the expansion packs together. Use your personal training sessions to take care of your health and get the endorphins flowing. That way, you'll be cheerful when you come home. And, let's face it, calendars and batteries are always useful.

Be grateful, happy, and blessed! ((Hugs))

Well, I'm certainly upset too . I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas either. I didn't get that 16-bedroom mansion with servants in the Alps, I didn't get that mink coat, I didn't get that gold-plated Mercedes with the chauffeur, and I didn't get that big diamond tiara that Queen Elizabeth wears sometimes. So I'm not speaking to my husband.

He didn't get what he wanted either. Since he didn't get me what I wanted, I didn't get him that Porsche racing car, that Rolex watch, that hunting club in the Azores, and that 7-foot TV that gets 5,000 channels. So he's not speaking to me, either.

Hahahahahaha! I'm just kidding! Let's lighten up a little here and no more name-calling, okay? That's unnecessary.

Let's look, instead, to what Christmas really is. If the coat's too small, it can be exchanged for a different size. The emerald earrings sound nice, and if one is a little bigger than the other, I don't think anyone will notice. People don't look that closely at things like that. They'll just see some pretty emeralds and probably wish they had some too. The earrings may not be to your taste, but I'm guessing they will probably look very nice on you!

The tickets to the musical was very nice for him. And as another person said, maybe the cards extension pack is his way of saying he wants to spend more time with you. I think too much emphasis is put on gifts, instead of just enjoying what we Fundies call "the 4-F celebration": Food, fun, family and friends. You can arrange that in any order you like.

Christmas isn't about gifts. Certainly, they are nice to have, but it's about Jesus. It's deep contemplation in the quiet of the night about our salvation and our Savior. It's looking at a table full of food and being surrounded by loved ones and giving thanks to God for all our blessings, no matter how small.

The OP asked if she was unreasonable. No, I don't think that's the word. I think sometimes folks get caught up in the holiday frenzy and sometimes we expect too much of people in the holidays. Christmas isn't about expectations; it's about gratefulness and love for each other and our Savior.

So, with that said, also I want to say that I hope you both enjoy the musical, and sit down and play the cards with him with snacks when you get home. Now, that's fun! My hubby Ben loves to play cards! We talk and laugh and the next thing we know, it's time for dinner or bed or our Bible/prayer time.

I hope you're able to work things out and be happy. I will pray for the both of you.

All good things
Emmy

MNewYork said:

If you think you were in anyway polite or helpful you're sorely mistaken. You are not displaying loving, understanding Christian behavior. In fact you're trolling what is supposed to be a dignified site. You're words are not constructive, they're hurtful. If that's your goal you need to reevaluate your core beliefs.

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I should probably keep my nose out of it at this point, but it appears almost certain that RP was just having a bad day, or something else was going on to cause that. If that's the case, I hope she gets things worked out.

MNewYork said:

This was extremely helpful, thank you for the


Thank you

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You're welcome. I meant to link this video:

I think you are being slightly unreasonable, in that not every gift is going to be a hit - whether something you give, or something you receive. Your husband tried, and it's the thought that counts. He made an effort to give you what you wanted (the personal trainer sessions), plus other things he thought you would like. I think it's important to appreciate the effort he put in. It's entirely possible he didn't notice anything amiss about the earrings. My husband doesn't buy me jewelry that I didn't pick out myself because he wants to make sure it's to my taste. He would be really stumped if he had to stand at a jewelry counter and choose something himself.

I think you should put it in perspective a little. You said your husband shows he appreciates you in other ways. Focus on that. Not everyone is a great gift-giver, and not everyone expresses love through presents. Have you heard of the 5 love languages? It could be your husband expresses his love through quality time or acts of service rather than through gifts, and there is nothing wrong with that.

If I gave my husband a gift, and there was something wrong with it that I didn't notice, I would feel offended if he kept pressing and saying it was awful and how could I not have realized. I think your husband probably felt hurt that you were so dismissive of his gift. If you don't like the earrings, return or exchange them. But complaining about them is not helpful.

MNewYork said:

Lets get to the meat of whats really bothering me. I went to the trouble of picking my husband out a really thoughtful Christmas gift. I got him a beautiful coat, scarf and tickets for us to see a musical together, as he is always saying we don't get enough alone time. I really thought this would be a nice way to get out for a night on the town and give him exactly what he's been asking for. Now granted the coat is too small, overall I think I did a good job, he was really happy or at least appeared to be. My gifts included the following: I got a YOU DO TOO MUCH desk calender, batteries (because I go through them a lot) an extension pack to a card game we play like 3 times a year, personal training sessions and discounted Sears emerald earrings. Now the personal training was a great gift, I specifically requested it. The earrings, now that's another story. I have wanted emerald earrings for a few years, but the ones he purchased aren't anything I would really wear. When I politely said I didn't think I would wear them, he became defensive saying her thought they looked great. In reality they are too small for my head, plus one earing is bigger than the other. I just feel like I put a lot of effort into his gifts and mine weren't really anything special. I also feel like he gave me stuff he wanted, ie: the batteries and game extension pack. I know I should be grateful for any gift, I just feel miffed and quite genuinely stiffed. The worst part is I feel like the unappreciative jerk who doesn't appreciate the effort on his part. Do I have a right to be kind of annoyed and unappreciated? I mean if I'm being unreasonable then I guess I'll just have to get on board and be okay with a kind of a crappy holiday.

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I understand your feelings of annoyance and unappreciation. My own marriage tends to run along the lines of my loving to both give and receive well thought-out gifts, and my wife not particularly caring about gifts in any way. As a result, I often wrestle with those two negative feelings. That said, I own my feelings. I knew this about my wife well before I married her. She simply speaks a different language of love than I do. She most often displays affection by doing practical acts of service - something I could do better in. While I continue to give her what I consider to be nice gifts considering our budget, I actively choose to be content in not receiving same from her. Above all, I want her to be happy and serving God as the beautiful person she is.

To be fair it does sound like you are being a bit unreasonable. Which is why I don't do gifts for anyone. Because people aren't usually thankful and/or they don't want it. Drives my wife nuts. She believes in giving gifts. Though I tell her my feeling is Christmas if not about gifts, its about Jesus birth. Problem is when we get gifts for any event, we start to care less about the event and more about the gifts instead.

Especially because as you stated, people will ask for what they want and not be reasonable. Gifts are meant to be from the heart. Its not from the heart if its whatever the person wanted. Just like with my family. My grandmother gives everyone $50 in a card. And most of them give her $50 in a card. Why? Just keep your $50 from the start and buy what you want for yourself. Again thats just my view.

I can agree that like with your earings, most men won't understand what a woman things about earings. We buy them because we think they would look good on you. And obviously buying batteries for you even though they are for himself is a bit silly. He should be thinking of you. Or at least he could have said "Could you get me batteries for christmas?".

With my wife and I, there are things she would love to get from me, like a purse. For our anniversary. But since we don't have alot of money last year I bought her a $4 thing from Walgreens in the shape of a heart that holds a picture above it on a spring. It wasn't much but she was thankful for it.

Maybe what you should next year is maybe say instead of gifts, go on a vacation together. This way both of you can enjoy it without worry of what the other thinks. Or maybe go out for dinner...etc. Or better yet give cash or a gift card. Because with those things, the person can buy what they really want and still be happy.

On a side note about others responses. To be fair people will disagree alot on here, its a Christian forum open to many various types of Christians. And while admittedly some can be more blunt about how they respond, it doesn't mean they are wrong per say. I know when I came here long ago with an issues I was having I basically told anyone off who wasn't giving me nice responses. I told I came for the truth, not harassment, especially not from Christians. Though they were actually giving me good answers, I just didn't want to hear it at the time.

Also remember not everyone in this section is married. Its part of the problem with how the "new posts" things works. People tend to respond without looking at which section its in (Since for example here you can only replied if you've been married).

Reactions like this is why we do gift cards for Christmas. That said, I got exactly what I wanted...a gift card to Barnes & Noble and a gift certificate for American Muscle dot com. I got hubby new jeans and tennis shoes (and yes I know his sizes) and we got the cats a big cat tree/kitty condo.

I am just curious why the OP is keeping track of who is or is not more thoughtful. Love keeps no record.... so what's this all really about? I can tell you it's not likely about who is more thoughtful or about what gifts anyone received. Are you trying to be "better" at gift-giving than him? Are you looking for external validation because of low self esteem? I don't know, but it's really not about gift giving, receiving, or who put more thought into it. Yes, I think for that reason you are being unreasonable.

ValleyGal said:

I am just curious why the OP is keeping track of who is or is not more thoughtful. Love keeps no record.... so what's this all really about? I can tell you it's not likely about who is more thoughtful or about what gifts anyone received. Are you trying to be "better" at gift-giving than him? Are you looking for external validation because of low self esteem? I don't know, but it's really not about gift giving, receiving, or who put more thought into it. Yes, I think for that reason you are being unreasonable.

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It's about hurt, which makes it very hard not to keep track. Paul was probably talking about a "complete" love in 1 Cor 13, and most of us are too busy licking our wounds.

Just to show how similar stimuli can result in totally different feelings, check out this awesome note my wife left me for Christmas:



It'd be easy to be hurt by this, but I laughed my butt off for minutes, because I know my wife, and I know how she's always on top of things but this time she wasn't, and it's even better that I did my best yet with getting her her gifts this year.

All this is mediated by the thoughts and beliefs; these determine the hurt or elation or any other feelings we have. This is really what the OP is about: the meaning (transmitted via thoughts and beliefs that get activated upon perceiving the stimuli in question) of the event or stimuli, not what he did "in itself".

You’re offended that your husband doesn’t share your specific tastes in jewelry. Why? He’s a man. You asked for emerald earrings and he got you emerald earrings, and he probably thought they were beautiful. Knowing exactly what you prefer would be hard, unless he’s a jeweler or jewelry hobbyist. I’m baffled because my mother was the same way. She was offended by practical gifts, so my dad got her jewelry, and she’d laugh or scoff at it at Christmas, and it broke my heart to see, because I knew my dad had done his best and he was so sensitive about her reaction. He’d sometimes go quiet, sometimes explode. Often he’d bring us girls to help pick gifts, but we weren’t any better. One time I approached my mother privately and said, “You can’t expect thoughtful gifts at Christmas and then make fun of Dad’s choice.” I got the third degree for that, but she did stop. I guess none of us understand her expectations or tastes, but it wasn’t because we didn’t know her or care. It’s because we couldn’t read her mind, and I suppose some part of her assumed we all have similar thoughts about what plays into taste – which simply isn’t so.

My husband and I had a few “misfires” early in our marriage. Attempts at the perfect gift, which were not exactly what the other would have chosen. I got him a knife set and he got me a pressure canner, but both of us eventually acknowledged (long after the Christmas thank yous) that we would have bought a different style. So we agreed, after much discussion, to cut out the surprise element and just buy what we wanted ourselves. Saves money, gets everyone what they want. He knows I support his knife hobby, and I know he supports my canning hobby. We don’t need to pretend to surprise each other to prove that. We haven’t exchanged Christmas gifts in years, and it’s awesome! He was initially hesitant because we grew up with Christmas being such a big deal, but gifts are not our “love language.” It sounds like it may be yours… which means you must be very specific about your wants, or else pretend he gets it right.