Am I being unreasonable here?

[Sayma]

Hi everyone,
Ok here's the story. I have been with my girlfriend for over 5 years and in november of last year, she found messages on my phone to a girl where I was asking her for pictures of herself, and once she sent them, I made comments on her and what I though of her (positive things). The girl from from Canada and I am in the UK, so it's not as if I was ever planning on acting on any development from the texts. I sent this girl the messages after a night out in a different town where I was going to be getting the first train back in the morning, so I had had a bit to drink, and I was out in nightclubs till late, and then catching the train at gone 5 in the morning.
This split us up for over a week and things haven't been the same since. We have been good together, and then we have been very bad, and we are arguing a lot.
Just recently it has come out that she wants me to change the way that I go out because it has an influence on me. She has said that she doesn't want me to be out after 2am because I am more vulnerable to things, but at the same time she has also said that she doesn't want me to go to places with a certain environment where girls are going to have short skirts and low cut tops (basically any night club in the UK). These 2 things go hand in hand and you cant take away one without the other. I love to go out and I have most certainly learned my lesson and I wouldn't dream of doing anything like what I did.
Right now I feel like I could be in exactly the same situation and do all the right things at whatever time in the morning, but she doesn't feel that she can trust me. However, I don't think that she is being reasonable in saying that I can't go out to nightclubs anymore, because it's something that I really enjoy doing and I don't like to have ties on it. What I am quite willing to do is have ties on it, but not so much so that I can barely enjoy the night. e.g. I don't mind coming back at half 2-3 in the morning instead, but at that time in the morning, it will be a nightclub that I would be leaving.
I don't know what to do or say to her that will make her see that she is going too far with this and that the answer is not to just stop me from doing something that I like doing.

Any comments and opinions either way are welcome.

Thanks

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

Why would you be wanting to go to nightclubs anyway if you're already in a relationship? This just opens you up to all sorts of temptations. Also, if you are a Christian (as your icon denotes) why would you go to a place that is so rampant in the culture of sin?

I am not against drinking per se, but going to a nightclub is another thing...

If you love your girlfriend, you would need to stop going to the nightclub. That is clear from both her perspective and mine.

And why in the world have you dated for 5 years with no commitment to marry?

 

[Sayma]

Why would you be wanting to go to nightclubs anyway if you're already in a relationship? This just opens you up to all sorts of temptations. Also, if you are a Christian (as your icon denotes) why would you go to a place that is so rampant in the culture of sin?

I am not against drinking per se, but going to a nightclub is another thing...

If you love your girlfriend, you would need to stop going to the nightclub. That is clear from both her perspective and mine.

And why in the world have you dated for 5 years with no commitment to marry?

I am currently at University and I enjoy going out, and I do not do anything wrong other than have a laugh and drinks with my friends. I am not Christian, but my girlfriend is, and this is why I wanted to get an opinion from a forum such as this.
Why would I want to go to a nightclub when I am in a relationship? Why would I want to do many things whilst I am in a relationship...? If the actual act of going out with some friends has no negative effects on the relationship, then how is this a problem? I can agree that there are a lot of temptations, but if you don't act on them, then how is this a problem?
We currently have a trust issue and we are working through it. Plans for the future is one which would be together, and happily married no doubt, but right now it would not be right for us to get married. We are not financially stable, and we are both still studying - we have just agreed that it would be something that would come at a later date.

Thank you for your opinion

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

If she is a Christian, and you're not, she shouldn't be in a relationship with you to begin with. God's word condemns such relationships.

 

[Sayma]

If she is a Christian, and you're not, she shouldn't be in a relationship with you to begin with. God's word condemns such relationships.

Ok, again thank you for your input

 

[Melethiel]

While I don't see anything wrong with going to nightclubs per se (just a general lack of responsibility in behavior), I see a lot wrong with your attitude toward this whole thing. Regardless of whether there is anything intrinsically wrong with going to nightclubs, your girlfriend obviously has a problem with it. Plus you say that you already have trust issues. This is already a huge red flag in any relationship, but you are certainly not helping it by your adamant refusal to acknowledge her concerns, and instead are simply dismissing them as silly. A relationship is all about compromise. What kind of long term relationship are you looking at if you need to have everything your way?

 

[The Nihilist]

You, sir, have a needy, clingy girlfriend. Your warranty should protect against that. Take her back to the dealership for a replacement.

 

[Sayma]

While I don't see anything wrong with going to nightclubs per se (just a general lack of responsibility in behavior), I see a lot wrong with your attitude toward this whole thing. Regardless of whether there is anything intrinsically wrong with going to nightclubs, your girlfriend obviously has a problem with it. Plus you say that you already have trust issues. This is already a huge red flag in any relationship, but you are certainly not helping it by your adamant refusal to acknowledge her concerns, and instead are simply dismissing them as silly. A relationship is all about compromise.

I said that we have trust issues based on what I did. I was and still am very sorry for what I did and we have had hours of conversation over it and that it would never happen again. Where do you draw the line between your partner wanting you to do something and you seeing that it is right for the benefit of your relationship... Or you don't do it because that person it trying to change who you are and what you enjoy doing?
I do like to go out and I like the relationship I have with my friends in that sort of environment. I don't think her concers are silly, but aren't they too far? I can come back earlier than I am doing, I don't have to drink as much - these are compromises.

What kind of long term relationship are you looking at if you need to have everything your way?

As explained above, I don't want to have everything my way - if we can come to compromises, then I don't get my way. I can take what you say and turn it on its head and say 'what kind of long term relationship would I be looking at if I did everything that my partner wanted. I think that the best thing to do would be definately come to a compromise. I would prefer to drink as much as I want responsibly and come back whenever I want, and she would rather I didn't drink much and come back earlier... compromise, no?

 

[Sayma]

You, sir, have a needy, clingy girlfriend. Your warranty should protect against that. Take her back to the dealership for a replacement.

I don't know whether maybe I should maybe take your current mood as 'angry' to have something to do with this post? lol
Can you justify what you're saying so I have a little more to go on?

Thanks

 

[The Nihilist]

I don't know whether maybe I should maybe take your current mood as 'angry' to have something to do with this post? lol
Can you justify what you're saying so I have a little more to go on?

Thanks

Ha, don't read too much into that.
Your girlfriend is insecure without good reason. No one gets over that until they realize that those impulses are stupid and that they should ignore them. That said, there's no telling how long that'll take, and there's no sense spending time arguing with her for years while you wait for her to grow up. Get a new lady.

 

[Luther073082]

Hi everyone,
Ok here's the story. I have been with my girlfriend for over 5 years and in november of last year, she found messages on my phone to a girl where I was asking her for pictures of herself, and once she sent them, I made comments on her and what I though of her (positive things). The girl from from Canada and I am in the UK, so it's not as if I was ever planning on acting on any development from the texts.

Doesn't matter, if you are with someone you shouldn't be expressing interest in others.

I sent this girl the messages after a night out in a different town where I was going to be getting the first train back in the morning, so I had had a bit to drink,

I hate it when people try to use their intoxicated state as an excuse for their poor behavior. Lesson is stop getting drunk, not blame the alcohol. No one made you drink.

and I was out in nightclubs till late, and then catching the train at gone 5 in the morning.

Doesn't speak high of your maturity or responsibility being out past 5 AM.

Just recently it has come out that she wants me to change the way that I go out because it has an influence on me.

Gee you got drunk and asked another girl to send you pictures of herself? I wonder why?

She has said that she doesn't want me to be out after 2am because I am more vulnerable to things, but at the same time she has also said that she doesn't want me to go to places with a certain environment where girls are going to have short skirts and low cut tops (basically any night club in the UK). These 2 things go hand in hand and you cant take away one without the other. I love to go out and I have most certainly learned my lesson and I wouldn't dream of doing anything like what I did.

What about taking her with you if you want to go to these places so badly.

Right now I feel like I could be in exactly the same situation and do all the right things at whatever time in the morning, but she doesn't feel that she can trust me. However, I don't think that she is being reasonable in saying that I can't go out to nightclubs anymore, because it's something that I really enjoy doing and I don't like to have ties on it. What I am quite willing to do is have ties on it, but not so much so that I can barely enjoy the night. e.g. I don't mind coming back at half 2-3 in the morning instead, but at that time in the morning, it will be a nightclub that I would be leaving.

Well you did something dumb and she's having trouble trusting you in night clubs where you apparently like to drink around a bunch of scantily clad women. . .

I don't know what to do or say to her that will make her see that she is going too far with this and that the answer is not to just stop me from doing something that I like doing.

I think you have to decide, you are either serious about clubbing or serious about her. Pick one and go with it and get rid of the other one.

 

[Sayma]

Doesn't matter, if you are with someone you shouldn't be expressing interest in others.



I hate it when people try to use their intoxicated state as an excuse for their poor behavior. Lesson is stop getting drunk, not blame the alcohol. No one made you drink.



Doesn't speak high of your maturity or responsibility being out past 5 AM.



Gee you got drunk and asked another girl to send you pictures of herself? I wonder why?



What about taking her with you if you want to go to these places so badly.



Well you did something dumb and she's having trouble trusting you in night clubs where you apparently like to drink around a bunch of scantily clad women. . .



I think you have to decide, you are either serious about clubbing or serious about her. Pick one and go with it and get rid of the other one.

I have been with her for 5 years-on it's own this is no reason to still just stay with someone, but we are really good together. I would like her to come with me, she is very welcome to come, but she doesn't find it interesting like I do. The thing about it as well is the girl I text lives in Canada-yeah I shouldn't be lusting after other girls and I have never tried to justify myself to her, I did something wrong and there are consequences-I'm willing to face those consequences. I don't think my options are as clear cut as pick one or the other, what ever happened to compromise?
With drinking, yeah I like it, I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drink really unless I'm heading out-it's no excuse and one of my compromises would be to drink less.
I like to go out with my friends and have a dance and a laugh with them, I don't go dancing with other girls or flirting or anything like that.so there are other girls there wearing short skirts and low cut tops, that isn't my reason for being there and I don't entertain them. Like going to the beach, there are topless girls there-does that mean I can't go there for a swim or to sunbathe lor kick a ball around because of the other people who are there that might out temptation there? So long I don't act on anything, what's the problem. There is temptation everywhere but we can't juat lock ourselves inside- we can expose ourselves to it less, hence the compromise...

 

[Sayma]

Ha, don't read too much into that.
Your girlfriend is insecure without good reason. No one gets over that until they realize that those impulses are stupid and that they should ignore them. That said, there's no telling how long that'll take, and there's no sense spending time arguing with her for years while you wait for her to grow up. Get a new lady.

I've been with her for 5 years and like I've said we were great together and even now we are pretty good! There's just this trust issue that needs to be resolved. The sense in spending time arguing with her for (possibly but unlikely) years is that I really think she is the girl for me. I think she will get over it eventually and she will let me go out and be fine with it like she used to and nothing ever came of it. 1 hiccup in 5 years of going out and I'd like to get past this one way or another. The idea of posting on here is to find out how far I should go. Do I just do as she says or do I push for a compromise?

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

Honestly if I were her I would have broken up. Period. I was in a relationship for 5 years before we married but he had at least committed to marry me. We were long distance too, but just the act of him going to a nightclub would have been enough for me to break up with him. Men who are serious about keeping their relationships do NOT go to those kinds of places. Period.

 

[The Nihilist]

I really think she is the girl for me.

If she doesn't trust you after 5 years, then you are wrong.

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

If she doesn't trust you after 5 years, then you are wrong.

Probably the only thing I've heard you say that I actually agree with.

 

[The Nihilist]

Probably the only thing I've heard you say that I actually agree with.

It's cool. With time, I'm sure you'll overcome your flaws

 

[Niffer]

It's all Dependant on what type of relationship you have with your gf.
For example, I used to love going to clubs and dancing 'till they closed at 3. I wouldn't drink to excess, but if someone was buying, then sure - why not?
Until I realized that unless I was dancing by myself or a girlfriend, all guys wanted to do was grind their junk against me, or buy me drinks in hopes I'd follow them back to a room with a bed.

When I got into a committed relationship, I started to realize how uncomfortable it was being faithful to my bf, and having to start refusing dances and numbers, etc.
I also realized the thought of my bf grinding up against hot little things in a dark nightclub with liquor flowing really bothered me.
Did I trust him? Yes.
Did I trust the girls? Or his judgment if he let himself get hammered? Heck no!

But if you're cool with the thought of your gf, going out, looking sexy, accepting drinks from random guys and fooling around on the dance floor - then congrats! You are one of the very few, very open-minded men who have no problem with other guys feeling your gf up.

If it does bother you, at all - you have no right to be doing the same to her.

Peace,
- Niffer

 

[Windmill]

Its not nice to ask other girls for pictures of themselves for you to gawk at, then tell them how good they look. How is that supposed to make her feel? It makes her feel like she isn't enough for you, that you must seek out others. Some things are best left unsaid.

 

[Sayma]

If she doesn't trust you after 5 years, then you are wrong.

She doesn't trust me 100% because of what happened 3 months ago. Not that we have had a perfect relationship and out of nowhere she just doesn't and hasn't ever trusted me. So I think you're wrong and we will work through this, but I just don't know what the right thing to do right now is