Always a victim?

[LittleH]

Recently I was told that, if you have been a victim of abuse, then it will happen again because people can see it in you. I had an abusive childhood and have been "hurt" by several men since then. Is this true? Is there something about me that tells people about my past abuse? Will I never be safe?

 

[sophia3]

I think you can be save. but i also believe that healing in this is important. and awareness of the people who are save and who are not save. I think it's good to have people around you who can see those things clearly and that you agree that they will warn you when there are people who are not so save

 

[OGM]

Recently I was told that, if you have been a victim of abuse, then it will happen again because people can see it in you. I had an abusive childhood and have been "hurt" by several men since then. Is this true?

It is not a rule. One cannot necessarily tell if another was abused or not. Some people display clues that certain predators can pickup on. While others do not. I have known women that were abused that I only found about years later in conversation. I also know a few women that were abused that always manage to get in to serial relationships with abusive men.

Is there something about me that tells people about my past abuse? Will I never be safe?

Like a said, predators pickup on certain clues and behavior patterns. Without those they would not know anything about your past.

 

[LittleH]

Thank you for your replies.

I'm just feeling very vulnerable at the moment, and being told that this vulnerability is obvious to some people scares me. I can't always have someone with me to tell me who is and isn't safe. I feel like I can't trust my own judgement anymore...

 

[OGM]

Thank you for your replies. I'm just feeling very vulnerable at the moment, and being told that this vulnerability is obvious to some people scares me. I can't always have someone with me to tell me who is and isn't safe. I feel like I can't trust my own judgement anymore...

There is on thing to FEEL vulnerable. It is another thing to PROJECT vulnerability.

 

[Johnnz]

Abuse shatters self confidence and a sense of personal safety anyway. And it is true that some women suffer multiple abuse.

But many have faced their past and with experienced, skilled help, work through their issues and get into normal healthy living. Jesus is a life changer if we let him do that.

John
NZ

 

[LittleH]

I am slowly working through the healing process, with the help of God and my therapist. Whilst I can't imagine being free from my past and the ptsd, I know that is exactly what God offers.

I have suffered abuse from more than one person and I don't want it to happen again. I am not very trusting of people and my experiences seem to back this up. I want to be less fearful of people in general, especially men, but right now this feels impossible. How can I know whether people are safe or not? Is there something I do that attracts abusive people?

 

[Johnnz]

I am slowly working through the healing process, with the help of God and my therapist. Whilst I can't imagine being free from my past and the ptsd, I know that is exactly what God offers.

I have suffered abuse from more than one person and I don't want it to happen again. I am not very trusting of people and my experiences seem to back this up. I want to be less fearful of people in general, especially men, but right now this feels impossible. How can I know whether people are safe or not? Is there something I do that attracts abusive people?

You are on the right track.

You will find people, especially men hard to trust. A mature trustworthy married man and his wife can model something different to you that can help change some inner perceptions. Do you know any couples who may be willing to spend time with you at a relationship level?

I have discovered that, due to the nature of sexual abuse, some spiritual residue remains with some women. That seems to attract other, sexually seeking males, a kind of 'spiritual radar'. Specific prayer can deal with that.

Set out to relate to people, but keep that to safe social settings where friendships are safe and activities shared. Trust cannot be summonsed, only developed over time.

Bless you

John
NZ

 

[LittleH]

John, thank you so much for your kind words and understanding. It is so rare for someone to understand how I'm feeling.

I know a couple, who are a bit older and are mature Christians. I know them quite well, so I have no doubt that they would want to help me. I am scared about being judged. Hardly anyone knows about the ptsd. During prayer ministry once, I was told that I am a bad Christian and have the devil living in me (because of mental illness). This has made me very reluctant to share anything with anyone.

How do I approach this couple and ask for their help? How do I tell them about the abuse and ptsd? I'm sorry, I must sound so pathetic. I'm just really scared.

Thank you again. I really appreciate all of your help.

Many blessings,
Hannah.

 

[Chaplain David]

Recently I was told that, if you have been a victim of abuse, then it will happen again because people can see it in you. I had an abusive childhood and have been "hurt" by several men since then. Is this true? Is there something about me that tells people about my past abuse? Will I never be safe?

You've already received some very good replies but I saw your thread and wanted to reply as well.

If you haven't already, I'd advise you to find a licensed female counselor or therapist to help you move forward. A good counselor can not only help you work through the feelings of your trauma but help you heal and even begin to thrive again. I would not give this advice if I hadn't seen it's benefits first-hand.

You mentioned some Christians telling you the Devil was in you. That's utter nonsense and I'd definitely steer clear of people like this and if the whole church is like this then it would probably be a good idea to find a new church. None of this is your fault. People who blame victims for being abused and traumatized have got a lot to learn. On the same token, pray for these people, that they be blessed. It will help reduce the hurt.

This is a good thread with caring people. God bless everyone.

Faithfully,
CH Sacerdote

 

[LittleH]

Thank you for responding. Before Christmas I went to group therapy and will be starting individual therapy in a couple of weeks with a licensed female therapist. She was one of the psychologists who led the second group I attended, so at least she won't be a stranger.

I attend a large church and I do not believe that blaming victims of abuse is a belief held by the church as a whole. However due to its size, it is easy for some of its members to hold such beliefs and be unnoticed. It is hard to believe that this isn't my fault; I have been blamed all my life. The people who have said that the devil is in me and have blamed me - I know this is just that they don't understand. In some ways I am glad that they don't understand because it means that they haven't suffered in this way. I will try to pray for them.

You are right. The people who have responded to this thread have shown me so much care and support. I am so grateful for all of you and thank God for you. I have never known this level of support and care from others (except from my husband).

May God bless you all richly,
Hannah.

 

[Chaplain David]

Thank you for responding. Before Christmas I went to group therapy and will be starting individual therapy in a couple of weeks with a licensed female therapist. She was one of the psychologists who led the second group I attended, so at least she won't be a stranger.

I attend a large church and I do not believe that blaming victims of abuse is a belief held by the church as a whole. However due to its size, it is easy for some of its members to hold such beliefs and be unnoticed. It is hard to believe that this isn't my fault; I have been blamed all my life. The people who have said that the devil is in me and have blamed me - I know this is just that they don't understand. In some ways I am glad that they don't understand because it means that they haven't suffered in this way. I will try to pray for them.

You are right. The people who have responded to this thread have shown me so much care and support. I am so grateful for all of you and thank God for you. I have never known this level of support and care from others (except from my husband).

May God bless you all richly,
Hannah.

We are brothers and sisters in Christ. I am very happy that you have resources available to you and that you are making progress. I fully believe that you will make even more progress and be a great help to others.

Faithfully,

 

[LittleH]

Your faith in me amazes me! Thank you. I'm really not used to people believing in me or people being kind to me. I am so grateful for being a part of God's family and am so glad that I came across CF. I have only found genuine love, care and support here and I do hope that I can give the same back to others.

 

[parsley]

You mentioned some Christians telling you the Devil was in you. That's utter nonsense and I'd definitely steer clear of people like this

I know we're not supposed to get into this topic, but will risk a little.
Jesus instructed His followers to set others free from this with mercy and compassion -- not to blame and pigeonhole, and walk away.

Think about the man outdoors in chains, so tormented that people didn't even dare talk to him. Jesus boldly approached him, and did what was needed for him to live a normal life. Christians are supposed to respond with loving solutions, not curses and condemnations.

 

[Andrea411]

Recently I was told that, if you have been a victim of abuse, then it will happen again because people can see it in you. I had an abusive childhood and have been "hurt" by several men since then. Is this true? Is there something about me that tells people about my past abuse? Will I never be safe?

Being aware of this makes you able to stop the cycle of abuse. Survivors of trauma often, not always, try to be healed by re-victimizing themselves.

One of the best ways to heal is to write down in prayer what you would have done to stop the abuse had you known what you know today. In a way it is reliving the trauma but you get to choose the ending. Instead of being a victim you become a victor. You stop it or you report it or you counsel others and save them. Something that removes the stigma of 'victim' and makes you not only a survivor but you win. The trauma can make you a better person, more empathetic, more spiritual and never allow unforgiveness to tie you to the abuser. By forgiving, you release and remove that person from your life.

Working with your counselor, she will be much more able to tell if your vulnerable to being a 'victim'. Great that you have someone to work things through. Too many suffer alone not knowing there are so many of us who have lived through and not only survived but grew. The abusers rarely heal, sad but true.

God bless, andrea

 

[captinshiny]

I don't have a lot of words but I wanted to offer some *hugs* x

 

[LittleH]

Hugs are always very welcome!

 

[WoundedDeep]

Hannah, as a fellow survivor of abuse, you have my full sympathy. But I don't think it is wise at all for us to enter into relationships. I am no longer willing to trust in men given that my father was abusive and I'm not healing from my abuse. It is better to be safe than sorry.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

It's been my experience that some people are like sharks. They smell the bleeding, and they attack. One counselor told me, we attract what we think we deserve, and I've found that to be true.

However, if we come to the point where we are no longer willing to accept people in our lives that will abuse us, and we will accept only the considerate treatment we really do deserve because everyone deserves it, we will find that we can have relationships. It's often difficult to come to that point. I did, but I was in my 40's before it finally happened. My mother is in her 70's, and I've never known her to be in a relationship with a man who was not mentally ill or an alcoholic/addict.

 

[mimibeloved]

W