Frida,
I won't say that I know personally what you are talking about, but I think that I can see inside myself the tendencies you are talking about. I have striven hard to handle them within myself. Primarily, I've approached this by first understanding myself - not understanding myself as I
want to see myself, but rather to see myself as I was made with all desires, insecurities, and bad temperaments included. Then, just as important as understanding myself, I have striven to understand how other people are naturally different.
Once I began to see some of these things, I could begin to understand why the things some people say seem like grandstanding or showing off to me when really they were just being open with everyone where I would not be. The reverse is also true - I begin to see where I should hold back because other people don't expect me to be so direct with them.
I am, for the most part, a lone-wolf type and my temperament has a tendency to pull me away from socializing and more toward the plane of introspection. As such, it's often hard for me to make new friends and keep up with them. A lot of times I feel like, in the few chances I get at meeting new people, I completely blow it. I've come to realize, though, that it is important to keep trying.
I hope you won't be defensive if I am so bold as to say that you may be defensive with other people because you would be defensive about what you say about yourself. I don't think there are any quick answers to your questions, and so I only offer a possible path to lead to a solution.
frida said:
i just am paranoid that they all think they have to cary me.. or something like that.
To speak to this, I think I can see what you mean. It is natural for those of us (myself included) with social reservations to be reluctant to ask people to go the extra mile when we are unsure we would do the same. It's a tough issue to which I can only say - ironically enough - we're all in this together. It may take a sharp eye, but look for people who seem to have similar reservations and then talk about it. It often doesn't show up often in people's facades, but I think there are a lot of people who worry about asking other people to 'cary' them. Maybe you can work something out where you trade off weeks where you cary the other person (by listening, helping, and being available)?
To conclude, I'm searching for answers on these issues too. Though I don't have anything concrete, what I've found is this... If I understand how I usually act and why then I can be conscious of what I am doing and seek to change it. If I understand how other people are different, then I can understand how (and when) I shouldn't judge other people's intentions to be the same as mine. It's really tough to do, and still after making much ground, I am nowhere close to being a perfect friend.
A couple questions for you: How do you think you need to connect with other people in order to be satisfied? What do you think makes you defensive?
I hope this helps and that I am not just salting the wounds. (perhaps a bit too much salt and not enough light, heh)
-Apollonain
INTx