All you poets I need some help!

[Nick_Loves_Abba]

I'm trying to write a poem, to my girlfriend of a long long time. All the craziness of being madly in love at 17 aside, I'm trying to write a poem that says, "I want us to always be together, but if something happens, we can live in the poem I wrote you." Much like Shakespear did, but not in sonnet form, and in no way like his except the idea. Here's all I have so far and I don't even think this is a poem.

I’m sitting here lost with words,

trying to find their meanings,

to give justification to how you make me,

my life, my world, and my future feel.

I don’t know how to start, how to finish,

although I pray I don’t have to.

You’ve become the center of my life,

I’ve had no choice over the matter yet

I wouldn’t have it any other way. You’ve

changed my life now and forever.

I pray that we never part. Yet you can’t predict

the weather. You’re my soul mate, nothing

nothing, can change that. Yet time can separate us.

Don’t go away. Yet if you have to, if you need to.

And you’re happily married twenty years from now,

look upon this. And remember, you’re are, and always

will be my angel. Whatever our reasons, know

It wasn’t supposed to happen. Whatever

the case, know it wasn’t supposed to be.

We were supposed to be. We may never forever be,

but out legacy will. In this. I love you.

 

[Icystwolf]

Oh...hmmm......thats a good poem, but for something that lasts which is what you wanted, the poem must be important to you.

What I mean by that is, it should reflect the beauty within you. The beauty within a person is hard to find, even for myself it's been hard to find, but finding it is amazing, but thats not the end of the story, rather it's merely a start.

Forexample, I'm in love with my orchids(yeh I know I'm only 21), and I haven't been in a relationship ever, but if a poem were to do, because I think relationships are upmost important....it could begin somewhere like this....

A Burst with Beauty,
Bountiful of Blossums
Who can see the flower of an unflowered plant,
Who is there to spend time looking after an unflowered plant
and who in there end will watch the unflowering plant bloom in all glory,
who will be the first to see it,
who will be the one that made it bloom,
who will be the one that cares,
who is the one that believed and
who has been the one that loved you all along!

Hows that?

It encorporates my joy of orchids, and places her into my world of Joy of orchids and makes her part of my joy...

 

[Debi1967]

I’m sitting here lost with words,

trying to find their meanings,

to give justification to how you make me,

my life, my world, and my future feel.

I don’t know how to start, how to finish,

although I pray I don’t have to. (try to change this line around to be more in tempo)

You’ve become the center of my life,

I’ve had no choice over the matter yet

I wouldn’t have it any other way. You’ve (put You've into the next line)

changed my life now and forever.

I pray that we never part. Yet you can’t predict (expand on the 1st sentance for tempo)

the weather. You’re my soul mate, nothing(pull the beginningof this sentence down & stop)

nothing, can change that. Yet time can separate us.(again do the same thing take out 1 nothing)

Don’t go away. Yet if you have to, if you need to.(expand on the 1st sentence and then let it stand alone. Pull the second part down to stand on it's own)

And you’re happily married twenty years from now,

look upon this. And remember, you’re are, and always( pull and always down)

will be my angel. Whatever our reasons, know( pull know down)

It wasn’t supposed to happen. Whatever(pull down whatever)

the case, know it wasn’t supposed to be.(separate whatever the case start new line with Know)

We were supposed to be. We may never forever be,(separate these two lines into 2 separate lines)
but out legacy will. In this. I love you.( separate these two lines into two separate lines)



Ok here we go and I will try to help as much as I can. And mind you these are just my thoughts you can do with them as you wish. If you need some more help poetry.com is good to others and what they have up and written. you will find mine under Deborah Bernaerts. I have made suggestions next to the lines as to what I think coulsd help. But as far as the message goes it is all there. The only problem is tempo. And try not to use so many punctuation marks either. at the ends of the thoughts try for commas until you start a whole new line of thought inside the poem then end it with a period. and start again the same way. Try to remember that the reason that prose is poetry is because of it's tempo. which means that it is lyrical like poetry. It is the trait that all poetry shares. You can in a poem change tempo several times if you wish but it is better to do it either back and forth or at the end of the poem. It helps to stress points in poetry.

 

[texun]

Moved
​

 

[The-Doctor]

My view is that poetry is a personal thing, theres no such thing as bad poetry.

If you really want to show her how you feel you have to put that feeling into your poem. Pour out your emotions onto a page.

I find that I start by describibg how I feel about someone on the page write for as long as there are words to describe then I look at what I have written and put it together. Poems written from feelings are far more powerful beacuse the reader will see that.

I also think its romantic that you want to preserve something in a poem

Good luck with that