Age Gap Frustrations

[believetheunseen]

Updated Post on Page 3.

Hi all.
As you can tell by looking at my info, I'm 22 and married. I married my high school sweetheart 3 years ago at the age of 19. We had been dating since I was 14. Our marriage is happy, and gets happier every day!
So the reason for the post is my SIL. She got married two years after we did at the age of 38. She is a very strong, independent, career driven woman. I have always thought the world of her, I think she's smart and beautiful, and she did what was right for her in waiting for the right man. I have never once thought negatively about her decision to marry later on in life.
However, she has made it quite clear that she views my getting married young as a not-so-smart plan. I was later told that she was angry that we even considered getting married before her. Which I understood the pain that might occur when your younger brother ties the knot before you do. But it seemed to get worse after she got married. She now tries to give me marital advice about things that we don't struggle with in the slightest, she makes slight comments about "20 somethings" and sometimes talks about her brother (my husband) as being immature. I have never asked for advice or mentioned anything that would suggest the need for advice, we rarely see her so she doesn't "see" our marriage. My husband is not only a top engineer at a local company, but is also an extremely kind and intelligent man, who in my opinion is very mature (though I will admit he plays video games). And we have never done anything warranting a "you are 20 something and don't know what you are doing" comment, at least in the instances where she likes to pipe in.
Now, I know that some on this forum will agree with her about the getting married young thing. I've seen it for the past few years of watching this site. Comments such as "you don't know yourself at a certain age" or "men don't know what they want until they are 25", etc. are things I have read many times on this site. I understand where everyone is coming from; my generation is full of idiots. But, I do get frustrated feeling the need to defend my marriage (and myself) when I am so blessed by what the Lord has done in my life.
I guess this was a post with two purposes; I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions or ideas on why my SIL is still acting this way, and if it will ever stop. I have been successfully putting it aside in my mind for 3 years, and with prayer I'm sure I can do it again, but if anyone had some advice on that, I would appreciate it.
Also, I guess I would just like to petition to those who use this site to be kind with their comments. As much as I know not to take things personally on this site, sometimes the things I see typed hurt. But please, don't rampage on this part of it, it's just a personal request that will most likely be rejected. I know the statistics don't seem to fall in my favor. I accept that without any hostility. I'm happily married and I "know who I am".
Thank you for reading. If you have any questions that might further your answer, I'm glad to oblige.

 

[b.hopeful]

I'm closer to your sil's age but married at a young age like you. I've been married for 16 years now........and I don't disagree with your sil,lol. Although...if she's hurting you she needs to be told because that's unacceptable.

I was a mature 19yo when I married...but in hindsight, I was no such thing. I didn't know myself, I was too young, we were immature, we didn't really know what we were doing. We do mature with age...we do know ourselves better....that's human nature, try not to be offended.

Your sil is considerably older than her brother...she probably always felt more like a second mother than sibling. She will probably always act in a parental manner towards him and view him as her "baby brother". Tell her it hurts you...but also, relax and cut her some slack. She IS older than you and generally speaking age DOES bring wisdom. It's like this Mark Twain quote "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years." The older you get the more you realize that those older than you did posess a certain wisdom.

 

[believetheunseen]

b.hopeful,
Hi there, and thank you for your response! I agree to an extent that yes, we do gain wisdom with age and we learn about ourselves more each year. I'm sorry I wasn't more clear on agreeing with that. I seek the advice and counsel from older women as I know they have more wisdom than I! I meant to say in my original post that just because I am young, does not mean I know nothing and as a human I request some respect.
As far as my sister-in-law, I haven't spoken to her about her comments and advice, as I haven't really known what to say about it (another area where the wisdom of those older than me can come in handy!). I have carefully listened to what she's said, and on most occasions, the advice just isn't warranted, or the comment is just not necessary. I don't say this out of arrogance, as I am one to take things very seriously, and her comments made me search my life for a reason for that advice, and I just can't find it.
So though yes, she is older, and yes, she is wiser in many respects, her comments are not really a wise vs. unwise scenario. For instance, my decision to not have a career. I have a job, but when I have children, I plan on staying home with them. That is my decision and is something I feel called to do. I don't find it unwise, and neither does she when referring to my other sister-in-law who is a stay at home mom.
Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, the time change has made me a little tired!

 

[Jilly123]

I'm sorry you always feel like you need to defend your marriage. I know exactly how that feels. I got married at 20 (husband was 25) and so many people told us we were doing the wrong thing. 6 years later and I wouldn't change a thing. While I completely understand that not many 20 year olds are ready to get married I am completely convinced that it was God's perfect timing for us, so I get really irritated when people say nobody should get married that young.

As for the SIL thing, that must wear you down after 3 years. If that were me and she said something like "you know what you should do if you are having xyz problem is ..." I would say "Oh is that something you're struggling with at the moment?" ok, so it's maybe not the nicest response but it might get her to re-think how she is coming across. Hope things improve

 

[DZoolander]

Well, I'm one of the ones that always admonishes people not to get married too young. Generally speaking - I think that's good advice...for all of the reasons you've cited.

I think to a degree what you're dealing with is just par for the course...so you're most likely just going to have to deal with it and prove them wrong.

Whether or not she'll accept it - ehhh - most likely she will...but it will take time. People my age (I'm turning 40 in a few months) don't have a ton of respect for the perspectives of people in your age bracket. It isn't really so much about you - it's rather about how big of idiots we recognize that we and our friends were at your age. Then - to make it worse - we hear the exact same nonsense coming out of your mouths that we used to spout when we were younger.

As much as people think times and people change - they really don't. There's a common human condition. People think they mature faster than they actually do. By the time that you truly become mature - you've stopped worrying about how mature you are. I don't think I've ever heard a person over 25 ever talk about maturity in the context of themselves. It's just part of being young to try and prove that you've evolved past childhood. Ya know?

So - you're in a bad boat. If I were your brother in law - I'd be counseling you too. Not so much because I *know* that you have a bad marriage - but rather because I could not bring myself to believe that you really know what you're talking about. I do that to my nephews - who are 22 and 25 - respectively. At some point I crossed the line between being a rebellious "cool kid" to being the somewhat condescending older guy. hahaha

Don't worry about it though. Your SIL means well. She wants the best for you. If she gives you unsolicited advice that's not applicable in your life - smile and tell her that you've got it worked out with hubby and prove her wrong by having a good marriage. In a few years - she'll knock it off.

 

[believetheunseen]

Hi! Just thought I'd respond again since I was popping in.
Actually, EZ, I hope you'll bear with me as I put up a little defense (normally I wouldn't, but today, I think I will). I have not mentioned my own maturity in my previous posts, as far as I'm aware at the moment (perhaps I did, but for the sake of not being on here all day, I won't read them again), and I really don't consider whether I am mature or not, because the definition of the term mature I think is never the same for two people. And while I agree there is a human condition (which is sin... pride, in this instance), I don't think that "we" think we mature faster, on the contrary, in today's society, because of people in your age bracket saying so, people my age tend to think they can screw off because they aren't supposed to know themselves yet. I've heard it a few times. And out of sincere curiosity what "nonsense" have I said that came out of your mouth when you were my age?
So, I'm not saying I'm a mature 22 year old, or an immature one. I'm 22 and I'm married as God has called me to do. I get frustrated defending myself for being what I am. Thus is life, but I wish I could make those close to me (SIL) understand.
And I hope you are right that she will lay off in a few years, it gets old. I don't understand why you would say that I need to prove her wrong, but I haven't proven her right yet, so perhaps I am already following your advice.
Defense over . I do understand your view point and questioned it when we discussed getting married to begin with, but God pulled me in this direction and I'm very glad he did. I came to the conclusion that God wanted me to grow in a certain way, and to do have the experiences necessary for that I got married... if that made any sense at all. Unfortunately trying to put my opinions into words usually comes out all wrong! Bless you and thank you for sharing.
And Jilly, thank you for your kind words and congratulations on your happy marriage and for listening to Gods timing. I have wanted to confront her in many different ways, including the one you suggested, but I'm waiting to know the right way. We've never been the closest of sister-in-laws (a lot of other things happened around the time of my engagement that strained the relationship), but I would like to be. We are sisters in Christ, after all.
I look forward to reading more responses!

 

[DZoolander]

Actually, EZ, I hope you'll bear with me as I put up a little defense (normally I wouldn't, but today, I think I will). I have not mentioned my own maturity in my previous posts, as far as I'm aware at the moment (perhaps I did, but for the sake of not being on here all day, I won't read them again), and I really don't consider whether I am mature or not, because the definition of the term mature I think is never the same for two people. And while I agree there is a human condition (which is sin... pride, in this instance), I don't think that "we" think we mature faster, on the contrary, in today's society, because of people in your age bracket saying so, people my age tend to think they can screw off because they aren't supposed to know themselves yet. I've heard it a few times. And out of sincere curiosity what "nonsense" have I said that came out of your mouth when you were my age?
So, I'm not saying I'm a mature 22 year old, or an immature one. I'm 22 and I'm married as God has called me to do. I get frustrated defending myself for being what I am. Thus is life, but I wish I could make those close to me (SIL) understand.
And I hope you are right that she will lay off in a few years, it gets old. I don't understand why you would say that I need to prove her wrong, but I haven't proven her right yet, so perhaps I am already following your advice.
Defense over . I do understand your view point and questioned it when we discussed getting married to begin with, but God pulled me in this direction and I'm very glad he did. I came to the conclusion that God wanted me to grow in a certain way, and to do have the experiences necessary for that I got married... if that made any sense at all. Unfortunately trying to put my opinions into words usually comes out all wrong! Bless you and thank you for sharing.

Thank you - and to be clear - I wasn't referring to you when saying things like "we hear the same nonsense we used to say". I was just speaking in generalities. I...at nearly 40...tend to generalize people in their 20's...and people in their 20's generally spew the same kind of nonsense about maturity we were spewing about it when we were their age.

...and unfortunately...people who may not fit into those assumptions get lumped in with those generalities...which is why your SIL is giving you grief.

If I see a student driver on the road - I think he's an accident waiting to happen. He may or may not be a great driver already - but I'm gonna steer wide of him. He's gonna get charged an arm and a leg for insurance...regardless of his driving aptitude...because generally speaking it's fair to assume he's going to get into an accident.

That's just how things work. Just appreciate the good intentions behind it - live your life righteously - endure it for the moment - and she/you'll be fine in the long run.

 

[believetheunseen]

Thank you - and to be clear - I wasn't referring to you when saying things like "we hear the same nonsense we used to say". I was just speaking in generalities. I...at nearly 40...tend to generalize people in their 20's...and people in their 20's generally spew the same kind of nonsense we were spewing about it when we were their age.

...and unfortunately...people who may not fit into those assumptions get lumped in with those generalities...which is why your SIL is giving you grief.

If I see a student driver on the road - I think he's an accident waiting to happen. He may or may not be a great driver already - but I'm gonna steer wide of him. He's gonna get charged an arm and a leg for insurance...regardless of his driving aptitude...because generally speaking it's fair to assume he's going to get into an accident.

That's just how things work. Just appreciate the good intentions behind it - live your life righteously - endure it for the moment - and she/you'll be fine in the long run.

Thanks again for your response. And thanks for clarifying, I was sure you meant it in a general sense, but as you said, unfortunately I get lumped (and some instances, I'm sure rightly so), but I was wondering if I had perhaps said something (it would have given me something to think and work on- as I think that in the 20's we as people are still learning-- but I'd like to challenge that by saying we're always learning until we're dead).
I appreciate your honesty in your responses.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

You say God has lead you in the direction of getting married and one of the reasons you stated is "I came to the conclusion that God wanted me to grow in a certain way, and to do have the experiences necessary for that I got married"...Dealing with a condescending sil might be one of those areas he wants you to grow in?

 

[BeanMak]

God's blessing on you and your marriage. It seems the best way to deal with the SIL is head on. Practice- "SIL, I love you, and I appreciate your help and guidance in most things, but what you say about my marriage and husband is hurtful and it would be helpful to our relationship if you keep these thoughts to yourself unless specifically asked."

I know it is easier said than done, but she might not realize the affect of her words. If you deal with her in an honest and straightforward manner, then you know your motives have been right and you have done what is best for a relationship with her. If she continues her behavior after your "chat" then shame on her.

 

[believetheunseen]

Thanks Hosanna and Bean for your responses.
Hosanna, I actually do think God wants me to grow in this area, hence the coming to CF to ask for some solid advice on what to do about the situation , thanks for understanding that and saying it, perhaps I should have mentioned it before.
Perhaps I should give an example for clarity, as I think that I might be giving the impression that she just gives advice, but it's not just the advice giving that is, for lack of a better phrase, hurting my feelings.
You see, while I can see her intentions being good sometimes, there are instances when my kind-hearted sister-in-law changes... her voice becomes stiffer on the phone, her emails get snippier and more pointed, when I see her in person, her facial expression is different.
I will again return to my decision not to have a career, as it's the most recent of conversations we've had.
When we moved here, we were financially stable enough for me to stay home, which was a blessing because it is hard to find a job here lately. We were ready to have children, so I was ready to dive in to being a stay at home mother. I have not yet gotten pregnant (for unrelated reasons), but continued to stay home. I decorated our house, got very involved with the music ministry and women's ministry at my church, and I was composing for my old high school (not a paying gig, but a composer will take what they can get).
She asked me weekly if I had a job yet. Told her I wasn't getting one, we were going to try and start a family, we had enough money for me to stay home, and I was keeping busy with things that I loved to do. She continued to ask. I stopped answering. She started just making comments. "In 20 years you'll wish you had a job right now." "You don't know if he'll be able to keep his job." (these first two were things that I both expected to hear and also know are in and of themselves good advice. But it continues.) "You would be getting your masters degree if you hadn't gotten married." (Nope, hated college. Good at it, but hated it.) "If you wanted to start a family, you'd be pregnant by now. And if you want Mom to see her grandbabies it should be soon." (Ouch. Husband's mom has brain cancer. If I could have a baby for her to see now, I would in a heart beat.) "You're just being lazy. 22 year olds think they can be lazy." "Why aren't you working yet?!"
Out of the blue I was offered a job at a local music store that perfectly fit my schedule. This was three weeks ago, and because I'm a musician (private woodwinds instructor, composer) I gladly accepted it. SIL heard through the grapevine (not because I refused to tell her, but because we just hadn't really had a chance to talk for a while), and asked me about it, sounding quite pleased with herself. When I told her it was a part time, 3 days a week job and I got paid next to nothing, she was cold again. "Part time doesn't pay the bills." (technically it can, we did it for a while, but again, husband has a job that pays the bills.) "You are going to have to work really hard to progress your career." "I think you should have gotten a computer job, they pay better and are more secure." I responded with; "not looking for a career, just passing time until I get pregnant." Wasn't sure what else to say.
This is just a recent example of small comments I've gotten for the past three years. I know, not terrible stuff, but I'm quite sensitive to peoples opinions (another thing I must work on) especially hers, because I respect her as a lovely, Godly woman, and I don't understand how she can think so negatively about me.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

Say to her, if and when I need your opinion or help I will ask for it. Thankyou.


If you don't speak up now and set the boundaries around your own marriage, you will still be batting off the same problem years down the track. NOW is the time to mark the fence around your marriage, that's one thing you will look back and realise years later.

 

[believetheunseen]

Say to her, if and when I need your opinion or help I will ask for it. Thankyou.


If you don't speak up now and set the boundaries around your own marriage, you will still be batting off the same problem years down the track. NOW is the time to mark the fence around your marriage, that's one thing you will look back and realise years later.

Thank you, that is a great point.

 

[dinonum]

Thanks Hosanna and Bean for your responses.
Hosanna, I actually do think God wants me to grow in this area, hence the coming to CF to ask for some solid advice on what to do about the situation , thanks for understanding that and saying it, perhaps I should have mentioned it before.
Perhaps I should give an example for clarity, as I think that I might be giving the impression that she just gives advice, but it's not just the advice giving that is, for lack of a better phrase, hurting my feelings.
You see, while I can see her intentions being good sometimes, there are instances when my kind-hearted sister-in-law changes... her voice becomes stiffer on the phone, her emails get snippier and more pointed, when I see her in person, her facial expression is different.
I will again return to my decision not to have a career, as it's the most recent of conversations we've had.
When we moved here, we were financially stable enough for me to stay home, which was a blessing because it is hard to find a job here lately. We were ready to have children, so I was ready to dive in to being a stay at home mother. I have not yet gotten pregnant (for unrelated reasons), but continued to stay home. I decorated our house, got very involved with the music ministry and women's ministry at my church, and I was composing for my old high school (not a paying gig, but a composer will take what they can get).
She asked me weekly if I had a job yet. Told her I wasn't getting one, we were going to try and start a family, we had enough money for me to stay home, and I was keeping busy with things that I loved to do. She continued to ask. I stopped answering. She started just making comments. "In 20 years you'll wish you had a job right now." "You don't know if he'll be able to keep his job." (these first two were things that I both expected to hear and also know are in and of themselves good advice. But it continues.) "You would be getting your masters degree if you hadn't gotten married." (Nope, hated college. Good at it, but hated it.) "If you wanted to start a family, you'd be pregnant by now. And if you want Mom to see her grandbabies it should be soon." (Ouch. Husband's mom has brain cancer. If I could have a baby for her to see now, I would in a heart beat.) "You're just being lazy. 22 year olds think they can be lazy." "Why aren't you working yet?!"
Out of the blue I was offered a job at a local music store that perfectly fit my schedule. This was three weeks ago, and because I'm a musician (private woodwinds instructor, composer) I gladly accepted it. SIL heard through the grapevine (not because I refused to tell her, but because we just hadn't really had a chance to talk for a while), and asked me about it, sounding quite pleased with herself. When I told her it was a part time, 3 days a week job and I got paid next to nothing, she was cold again. "Part time doesn't pay the bills." (technically it can, we did it for a while, but again, husband has a job that pays the bills.) "You are going to have to work really hard to progress your career." "I think you should have gotten a computer job, they pay better and are more secure." I responded with; "not looking for a career, just passing time until I get pregnant." Wasn't sure what else to say.
This is just a recent example of small comments I've gotten for the past three years. I know, not terrible stuff, but I'm quite sensitive to peoples opinions (another thing I must work on) especially hers, because I respect her as a lovely, Godly woman, and I don't understand how she can think so negatively about me.

Ugh, that sounds like my husband's aunt, who he considers more like a big sister. The moment I mentioned I thought I may go to school for social work I got a nearly hour long lecture on the importance of a high paying job in marriages. How I should go to school and be a nurse. How I would dread going to work as a social worker because it would be unfulfilling for our family. I mean, it went on and on and on.

In general, I just smile and sweat it out. Normally I'll just say little things like "Oh, we really don't deal with those issues." She brings up money, "Oh, we are learning how to deal with our finances and things are going pretty great!" Sometimes the truth may get a little stretched, but don't worry, that has nothing to do with maturity. I know plenty of "older" and "wiser" people who do the same thing

It definitely sounds like she may be a little jealous though and probably bitter about the way things have turned out for her life. This is the issue with my DH's aunt. She had a horrible first marriage, went to school for a few different things and finally chose nursing, she works non-stop and just isn't a very happy person. How does she handle it? She almost tries to put me and my SIL in this box, that we must be exactly like her and therefore her advice will save us from a lifetime of unhappiness, like what she has.

While I think that people who are older do have a lot more experiences, I think it's a load of bologna when I hear then talk about how I know nothing, we can't possibly be mature enough to be a family, to raise a child, to be married, etc. Only until recently in history did marriages become popular in the later years of people's lives. I knew when I was fifteen that I was destined to probably marry young, it was just something God has laid on my heart and it all fell into place which only assured me of His Will for my life.

In 1 Corinthians 14:20, Paul talks about growing up being related to a relationship with God. How we leave the milk behind and go for solid foods. What seems relative to me though is that Paul doesn't give a certain time limit on when a Christian changes from milk to solid foods. Even in infants, the time range is a fairly vast considering how short that transitional age is. Some kids start walking and talking by their first birthday even, but some it takes a little longer. Even those with those who are older, they didn't learn everything they know at the same age and time that their friends of the same age did.

“Do you want to be counted wise, to build a reputation for wisdom? Here's what you do: Live well, live wisely, live humbly. It's the way you live, not the way you talk, that counts. Mean-spirited ambition isn't wisdom. Boasting that you are wise isn't wisdom. Twisting the truth to make yourselves sound wise isn't wisdom. It's the furthest thing from wisdom--it's animal cunning, devilish conniving. Whenever you're trying to look better than others or get the better of others, things fall apart and everyone ends up at the others' throats. Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced" (James 3:13-17 The Message).

Interesting there is no age given and the only wisdom that we really need to count on is the wisdom that comes from God. So keep it up and don't let anyone bring you down, count on the Lord, and remember just to be happy with your life. The happier you are with your life, your marriage, and yourself, the more likely she is to eventually get the point and leave you alone. Maybe you can even inspire her a bit!

 

[believetheunseen]

dinonum, beautiful, beautiful post. You have put into words what I have felt since we were engaged. And congrats on your marriage! And sorry to hear about your aunt.
Thank you so much for your response.

 

[dinonum]

dinonum, beautiful, beautiful post. You have put into words what I have felt since we were engaged. And congrats on your marriage! And sorry to hear about your aunt.
Thank you so much for your response.

She's actually really gotten a lot better since I started just being happy and not taking to heart what she was saying. It took a decent while, but it was well worth it!

 

[believetheunseen]

Glad she is better and that you are happy!

Well, perhaps this thread has run its course. Thank you for the advice all who posted, I appreciate it all! If others post later, thanks in advance.

 

[JohnDB]

Boy howdy do you have a case of Diaper Syndrome.

Because your SIL has changed your husband's diapers...she never will see him as mature...no matter how old he gets. And you get the glorius position of immaturity in her eyes by simply being his wife.

Yeah...I am totally gonna agree with HosannaintheHighest here.

Tell her where to get off and what to do when she gets there...LOL
But in a kind, firm fashion. LOL

Families fuss and feud all the time...there is nothing like a family for a real Knock-down-drag-out fuss.

Don't sweat it...she is just annoying and a pest to you. I would dare say that your husband doesn't agree with her or else he would have lived a different lifestyle than he currently is. He woulda said something about you getting a career or at least hinted about your helping out with the bills.

But from what I have read he apparantly hasn't done any such thing.

Your marriage...not hers. Never forget that. She is family so ya gotta keep her (unfortunately) but...maybe she will get divorced and you two will stay married. Who knows...there is a lot of future out there yet to be lived.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

In 1 Corinthians 14:20, Paul talks about growing up being related to a relationship with God. How we leave the milk behind and go for solid foods. What seems relative to me though is that Paul doesn't give a certain time limit on when a Christian changes from milk to solid foods. Even in infants, the time range is a fairly vast considering how short that transitional age is. Some kids start walking and talking by their first birthday even, but some it takes a little longer. Even those with those who are older, they didn't learn everything they know at the same age and time that their friends of the same age did.


Interesting there is no age given and the only wisdom that we really need to count on is the wisdom that comes from God. So keep it up and don't let anyone bring you down, count on the Lord, and remember just to be happy with your life. The happier you are with your life, your marriage, and yourself, the more likely she is to eventually get the point and leave you alone. Maybe you can even inspire her a bit!

Excellent post!

People tend to project their own experiences onto everyone else and see the world through their own little shade of lenses. We all do it. Your sister in law sounds like she is projecting her own self when she was your age onto you and your husband's experience of getting married young. My wife and I got married a bit less than two years ago at 21 and we experienced some of the same comments, albeit to a much smaller degree.

Like some other posters have said: Clearly but lovingly let her know that her comments are hurtful and unwarranted and that you and your husband would appreciate it if she kept the negativity to herself.

And remember: 1 Timothy 4:12
12Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

 

[believetheunseen]

dsrohe, I have to agree, it was an excellent post! Like I said, putting into words what I haven't been able to express myself.
And thank you for your post, and congrats on your marriage.
John, thanks for your post as well, lol diaper syndrome. That is a very good point, totally get it.