After a break up...friends???

[sparkypunkette]

Have any of you been able to stay friends with an ex. I just broke up wtih my boyfriend..and he is my best friend....I dont want to lose that...ya know. He and I talk all the time.....and hang out all the time....even during our last two break ups. NOw...this breakup is pretty much official..and really "it", I just dont know what kinda adjustments we should make. Going cold turkey and not talking is pretty much not an option....but we do want to make steps in gaining a real christian friendship (after dating for over a year). I dont know..any advice, or stories?? Thanks a bunch..i love this site!

 

[mathias1979]

No stories...just some thoughts. It may be possible for awhile...but after sometime, one of you is going to find a new love interest...and usually with that, it's tough to maintain the friendship on the same level that is has been. You won't be his best friend anymore and vice versa. And of course, if the other one still has some feelings for the other when that new love interest comes along, there's some tension and jealousy that is going to come out.

So bottom line, yeah, you may be able to have the same friendship for awhile after you break up if neither of you are looking to move on too quickly. But eventually, the quality of your friendship is going to deteriorate. And I think you'll have a hard time finding examples where it hasn't.

-Matt

 

[Jenna]

I think that it really depends on the depth of the relationship. Eventually the friendship will take a backseat to other relationships, and that has the possibility of creating problems in many areas. Also keep in mind that a new love interest could be intimidated and feel threatened by a past boyfriend being too close. Friendship is possible, but not always probable or beneficial.

 

[Katty]

Its definitely possible but it takes a lot of time and a lot of patience. My ex and I dated for almost 4 years and I have known him for 6 years. He's still one of my closest buddies, but when we first broke up FOR REAL, we couldn't talk for almost 6 months straight. It just hurt too much and we couldn't have a civil conversation with one another. I can't say that its the easiest thing because there's always a chance of becoming emotionally attached again, but I advise you to really step away and maybe "disappear" so that you can distance yourself away from the whole realm of the former "us." If things present themselves somewhere down the road for the two of you, great, but if not, you have to be sure that both you and him understand your situation and what each one wants out of one another... pure friendship, or more. When it comes to having history with another person, its hard to be able to have both friendship and no attached emotions on either one side or the other. Best wishes to you.

~Katty

 

[SirKenin]

Friends can become lovers, but lovers can seldom become friends.

 

[caitlincares]

You MAY be able to go back to being friends BUT after a complete time apart.

Right after a break up it is way to awkward and you may fall into uncomfortable territory.

 

[heavenliejediofthebeach]

my ex wanted to stay friends and i told him its too awkward, mainly coz the way he treated me..when i said i didnt want to be friends he was convinced that he had done something wrong.

 

[bliz]

I'm with Catlin. It is possible, but give it a rest for awhile. Back off and don't see him or talk to him for a couple of months. After a break you both may be able to pick it up without the romance just off-stage in both of your minds.

 

[horuhe00]

Well, from my experience, I tried very hard to maintain our friendship, but in the end, we were hurting ourselves by trying to continue as if nothing had happened. So we decided to not talk to each other for a few months. Now were starting to talk again and I hope it's all for the better.

 

[sparkypunkette]

thanks for the help you guys. I'm not sure what i will decide at this point...but i do know that him moving will be a good thing...im all he has here...and i have plenty of buds to keep me busy. Neither of us will be moving on anytime soon...but it is important that we stay fairly close. I know there needs to be an adjustment..but i know, him not talking to me would be a bad thing for him. I could stand it, it would be REALLY hard..but i oculd do it, him...not talking is the worst possible thing.. who knows... I will wait and see after he moves in a week.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

It is possible - but it can be very risky.

1) When he dates someone else - you have to be able to walk away. I had to deal with my bf's ex, and it was still very co-dependant on both sides. Learn how to be a friend, but a friend who gives space. It saves a lot of hurt for ALL of you - him, her and you.

2). When you date someone else - pull away more from the friendship. This doesn't mean stop the friendship all together, but respect your new partner enough to make sure that you aren't causing division between yourself and your BF. If you're having dinner once a week with your ex - halt it. If you continually help your ex with stuff (or he you), ask it to stop, or stop it yourself. If he's the first one you call for stuff (or you are for him), make it stop.

3). Make sure he isn't your only friend. Make sure that their is a definable 'space'. Make sure that your behaviour together isn't making other people wonder if you are together again - that's VERY hard to handle, especially when you are out and looking again and find out that people are staying away cos they think you're still with the ex.


You need to give yourselves a 'time out', if you want to stay friends. All the ones I know who haven't had this, have had a far messier time ahead than those who moved away for a considerable amount of time. I mean AT LEAST 6 months.

Sasch

 

[sparkypunkette]

Still, i love your imput..all of you. I kinda have a weird loop in things now. HE is planning on moving across the state, to where he is from on thursday. Thing is...the job he got when he moved here, doesnt want to let him go. He is having a meeting with them today, i'm excited and worried. If they make it way worth while him staying...I think it would be good for him. He feels they appreciate him and need him, and he likes it. Only thing is....he has only lived here a month and him and i have been doign pretty much everythign together...but he hasnt the chance to make any buddies ya know, beside a few of my friends. I dont know...I just need prayer. Cause part of me wants him to move back, because it would help us deal with this...but also part of me thinks he is too comfortable back in his original home ( although he does have some good community there) he is just the type of guy that is 26..but needs to grow up a lot. I dotn knwo....i just need prayer..for what im not sure...maybe trust that God will do what he needs to, and that Curt will be able to gain some discernment and really seek prayer and God..not just being totally pessimistic and over analytical about all this. Prayers anyone??

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Well you'll get one from me!

Sounds like moving would be a good thing for him to help him grow a little. Having you around will make it that much harder for him to find his own mates.

Oh - and I'll pray that whatever happens is the RIGHT choice - no bias here!

Sasch