Afraid to love... help!

[SeekingGloryOnThisJourney]

I like someone.
Although I’m afraid to ever make it more.
My last serious relationship was simply idolatrous, I relied on my last relationship to make me happy.
While he was taking money from me.
Now, if God wills, I am going to start a new relationship. Of course I need to come closer to him as a friend first.
But I’m afraid to do that.
I’m paralyzed by the fear I might worship him in my heart, for this is what happened with my previous relationship.
I’m too afraid to make any move.
Advice?

 

[bèlla]

Is this the same gentleman you mentioned before? It appears you’re attracted to him but haven’t developed the connection to the point of dating.

You’re worrying about a possibility that isn’t on the table. However, its possible you assign too much credence to the opposite sex for your happiness. He can contribute but he isn’t its author. God is the avenue for joy and peace.

You must address your underlying fear and how you’re compensating through your relationships. Have you discussed this with a therapist or Christian counselor?

~Bella

 

[SeekingGloryOnThisJourney]

Is this the same gentleman you mentioned before? It appears you’re attracted to him but haven’t developed the connection to the point of dating.

You’re worrying about a possibility that isn’t on the table. However, its possible you assign too much credence to the opposite sex for your happiness. He can contribute but he isn’t its author. God is the avenue for joy and peace.

You must address your underlying fear and how you’re compensating through your relationships. Have you discussed this with a therapist or Christian counselor?

~Bella

Yes it is, I feel like I’m probably going to avoid him when things go back to normal. Everytime we do get closer, I overthink it, and act on that overthinking, and then avoid.
I only want what God wants me to have, He is the author.
But I’m also worried I’m going to miss all God’s goodness from being afraid.

 

[expos4ever]

Like most people my age I suspect, I have a lot of scars in this area. So I am not going to gild the lily and tell you it will work out. But I will offer something about the fear. There is growing evidence that our minds have been programmed by evolutionary forces to respond very negatively to social rejection of any kind, including romantic rejection. The reason: in days of yore, social rejection often resulted in expulsion from the "the tribe", with an accompanying significant increase in risk to life and limb.

However, this is no longer the case, at least certainly not in the romantic setting - if someone rejects you, you are not in any real danger. I find this knowledge helps me deal with the sting of the many, many rejections I have experienced - the brain is exaggerating the significance of such events. With effort, I have learned to tell my brain to go jump in the lake.

 

[F.E.A.R.]

I'm going to leave this here. Why shouldn't make an idol of your marriage or boyfriend or anything else. And be aware no to say "I love you" so easily if you're trying to establish a relationship. Also make sure he's Eastern Orthodox or he's willing to convert, otherwise you'll have to drop him. You shouldn't be afraid. But be aware of what you're doing, our choices make consequences.

 

[SeekingGloryOnThisJourney]

I'm going to leave this here. Why shouldn't make am idol of your marriage or boyfriend or anything else. And be aware no to say "I love you" so easily if you're trying to establish a relationship. Also make sure he's Eastern Orthodox or he's willing to convert, otherwise you'll have to drop him. You shouldn't be afraid. But be aware of what you're doing, our choices make consequences.

Yes he is, he’s been Eastern Orthodox much longer than I have. I met him at our Church. I’m afraid from the past to make an idol, but with God being my strength, if this is to be anything, I will not let it happen again. Thanks for the videos

 

[SeekingGloryOnThisJourney]

Like most people my age I suspect, I have a lot of scars in this area. So I am not going to gild the lily and tell you it will work out. But I will offer something about the fear. There is growing evidence that our minds have been programmed by evolutionary forces to respond very negatively to social rejection of any kind, including romantic rejection. The reason: in days of yore, social rejection often resulted in expulsion from the "the tribe", with an accompanying significant increase in risk to life and limb.

However, this is no longer the case, at least certainly not in the romantic setting - if someone rejects you, you are not in any real danger. I find this knowledge helps me deal with the sting of the many, many rejections I have experienced - the brain is exaggerating the significance of such events. With effort, I have learned to tell my brain to go jump in the lake.

Thank you! I’ll keep the last sentence in mind.

 

[ReesePiece23]

I have a question...

Do you NEED it?

I just know that when I was at the height of my 'self discovery' wild horses couldn't pull me away from that journey. Not even the most beautiful women I had ever met could do it.

Afraid to love? That's a pretty major sign that tells me that there's interpersonal work to be done - lots of it.

 

[expos4ever]

Thank you! I’ll keep the last sentence in mind.

Thanks for the feedback. Life (and a little research) has taught me that our brains (minds) can mislead us in many other ways. Ever notice how upset you get when someone disagrees with you? Or how we tend to catastrophize - focus on the worst possible outcomes? These responses really do not make sense when considered upon cool reflection. Yes, our brains will produce all sorts of negative feelings, but we need to ask ourselves whether those feelings really reflect the reality of the particular situation.

 

[messianist]

Make elohim your priority, keep your focus on him at all times he will direct your paths.

Take your new or potentially relationship slow, if you feel or start to put to much on this person above elohim, then hold back and slow things down.

If something or somone is meant to be it will fall in place and be as natural as breathing.

 

[bèlla]

Yes it is, I feel like I’m probably going to avoid him when things go back to normal. Everytime we do get closer, I overthink it, and act on that overthinking, and then avoid.

When fear and anxiety rear their heads its important to distinguish truth from supposition.

You are getting acquainted.
You don’t know if he’s attracted to you.
He hasn’t expressed a desire to establish a relationship.

Thus, he hasn’t fulfilled the primary issue you’re concerned about: worshipping a companion in your heart. Because you’re not together.

You’re forgetting the other in all of this. He has a say in the progression of the connection and if it becomes more. You’ve gotten ahead of yourself and you’re working yourself up unnecessarily. What if he desires friendship? Until you know his intentions, stop speculating.

In the meantime, it would be beneficial to work with someone regarding your fears and self-esteem. The back and forth can take a toll on relationships. Most are patient for a time. But push and pull dynamics rarely last. If you continue to avoid or push the other away, eventually they’ll grow tired and move on. Use this time to address it while you’re alone.

~Bella

 

[SeekingGloryOnThisJourney]

I have a question...

Do you NEED it?

I just know that when I was at the height of my 'self discovery' wild horses couldn't pull me away from that journey. Not even the most beautiful women I had ever met could do it.

Afraid to love? That's a pretty major sign that tells me that there's interpersonal work to be done - lots of it.

No, I don’t need it. No one needs to date/marry. Because God is greatest love.
Although I would like to marry one day.

 

[SeekingGloryOnThisJourney]

When fear and anxiety rear their heads its important to distinguish truth from supposition.

You are getting acquainted.
You don’t know if he’s attracted to you.
He hasn’t expressed a desire to establish a relationship.

Thus, he hasn’t fulfilled the primary issue you’re concerned about: worshipping a companion in your heart. Because you’re not together.

You’re forgetting the other in all of this. He has a say in the progression of the connection and if it becomes more. You’ve gotten ahead of yourself and you’re working yourself up unnecessarily. What if he desires friendship? Until you know his intentions, stop speculating.

In the meantime, it would be beneficial to work with someone regarding your fears and self-esteem. The back and forth can take a toll on relationships. Most are patient for a time. But push and pull dynamics rarely last. If you continue to avoid or push the other away, eventually they’ll grow tired and move on. Use this time to address it while you’re alone.

~Bella

Thank you; I’ll try my best too

 

[bèlla]

If you have a library card, you may be able to access Hoopla for free. Try signing up.

There are 3 Christian titles (they have many) that would enlighten you.

Love Idol: Letting Go of Your Need for Approval-and Seeing Yourself through God's Eyes
Idol Lies: Facing the Truth about Our Deepest Desires
Idols of the Heart: Learning to Long for God Alone

~Bella

 

[SeekingGloryOnThisJourney]

If you have a library card, you may be able to access Hoopla for free. Try signing up.

There are 3 Christian titles (they have many) that would enlighten you.

Love Idol: Letting Go of Your Need for Approval-and Seeing Yourself through God's Eyes
Idol Lies: Facing the Truth about Our Deepest Desires
Idols of the Heart: Learning to Long for God Alone

~Bella

Interesting, I don’t have a library card though D:
the thing is, none of these seem to be the issue.
I’m genuinely scared of being around people that you’re supposed to trust.
Like in my previous relationship, I trusted it more than anything. (I wasn’t a Christian then)
When it didn’t work out I felt like I lost everything I had.
Which I did, because it was all I made myself to truly have on my own
If it isn’t God’s Will for me to be married one day that is fine with me, because though I do wish to one day to be married, it isn’t my greatest desire.
I guess my fear is to simply repeat the past, and the past sins.
Which is idolatry.

 

[bèlla]

I’m genuinely scared of being around people that you’re supposed to trust.
Like in my previous relationship, I trusted it more than anything. (I wasn’t a Christian then)

How is that possible if the relationship was your orbit? Did you trust him? Or is your partner the only one you can trust?

~Bella

 

[SeekingGloryOnThisJourney]

How is that possible if the relationship was your orbit? Did you trust him? Or is your partner the only one you can trust?

~Bella

I was going through a difficult time in my life, wanting to go to school badly and unable, parents who never told me anything, and he was my “escape”.
He seemed to be the only one that made me happy.
Once i found out what he was truly doing I was broken.
Fast forward I became a Christian, and was alone and quite lonely, which for the time was good because that is how I knew it was time to Obey God’s Voice

 

[bèlla]

Fast forward I became a Christian, and was alone and quite lonely, which for the time was good because that is how I knew it was time to Obey God’s Voice

God turns breakdowns into breakthroughs. You’ll be okay. He’ll prune you. The deeper your commitment the less likely you are to repeat the past. You belong to Him.

~Bella

 

[SeekingGloryOnThisJourney]

God turns breakdowns into breakthroughs. You’ll be okay. He’ll prune you. The deeper your commitment the less likely you are to repeat the past. You belong to Him.

~Bella

Well... that opened my eyes a bit.
I have always been stuck on the past of “if only I did this..”
But in the end it somewhat mattered.
Thank you!

 

[grace4ever]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. I’m sorry for what you are going through. These forums are great for sharing burdens, venting, and asking for advice. If you trust in God as you say to start a new relationship then I encourage you to seek discernment to prayer to determine what is the right person for you. It seems that you know all the answers of this situation. Have you ever thought of seeking Christian counseling? Counseling or therapy works through things like this. You are valuable and worthy of fighting for. Therapy can help you to discover what causes you to idolize your BF in the relationship. I hope this helps. Sending you hugs. I will keep you in my prayers my friend.