Afraid of losing a friend over "babiez!"

[Puptart]

This is a novel, bear with me...

My best friend (who is also my one and only real-life friend) and I haven't known each other for a crazy long time, but we became close friends really fast. I was really surprised and honored the day she started using the term "best friend". I haven't had a best friend since I was 14, and haven't had a real-life friend other than my husband or past boyfriends in probably 7 or 8 years.

The problem: She's desperately trying to TTC and has fertility issues... she wants a baby so darn bad.

I try hard to support her.. though sometimes I slip up and I start talking about all the potential good that could come about if she weren't to have a kid. I do so in a non-intrusive and non-annoying way, and we always have good conversations about it. I never try to convince her she "should not" have children, it's just that sometimes I wonder if people have ever considered they don't need kids to have a fulfilled life... she likes to travel for example and I don't think she realizes that her traveling days will be behind her at least for a good chunk of time, unless traveling with a screaming infant is her idea of a good time I guess.

Anyway, believe it or not I am very supportive of her, we talk about TTC things and I research things for her and give her advice where I can come up with good advice. I even told her husband that I could be bribed into babysitting.. it's true, I'd do it for them I would, even though I can't stand kids there are still things you'd do for your best friend obviously.

But something I haven't talked to her about is that I'm secretly terrified after the baby comes we're going to have absolutely nothing in common since people who have babies in my experience just disappear into the label of "parenthood" and lose their sense of self. Right now she's a fun awesome person who has lots of interests, but I'm terrified it's all going to disappear and I'll never hear two words out of her mouth that don't involve "baby".

Has anyone been able to keep up close friendships with people who did not have kids, and then ended up having one?

 

[chaz345]

Has anyone been able to keep up close friendships with people who did not have kids, and then ended up having one?

It can be done but the friendship that has usually come to the point of being pretty much effortless will take intentional work and effort to maintain. And it will, to a degree, change in nature. There will be a big huge chunk of one person's life that they no longer have in common. That doesn't mean the end, it just means that it's going to take time and effort and intention to maintain it where it didn't previously.

 

[Puptart]

I hate change But I know what you mean

 

[dorig59]

Yeah, once she has a kiddo, the dynamics of your relationship most likely will change. It'll all be different, really. She won't be able to do the same stuff she did before and her entire perspective on the world will turn onto her baby.

 

[tangled]

Has anyone been able to keep up close friendships with people who did not have kids, and then ended up having one?

Yes!!!!

Matthew 19:26 Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

 

[Puptart]

True re: Matthew 19:26

She wants to come to church with me, I think starting this weekend.. that actually might be a good thing

 

[tangled]

It sure might be...
God bless...

 

[snoochface]

The girl I considered my best friend had a baby and we stayed close. A lot of this was due to effort on her part. I mean, I was up for the friendship obviously, but she REALLY put effort into holding on to her identity, knowing when she needed breaks from the kiddo, and doing fun things for herself. I had to make effort to fit myself into her life with a kid too. But I was surprised at how much she tried to hold on to who she was too, because that (in my opinion) was kind of rare for a first time mom.

Our relationship did change. There were fewer opportunities to hang out, and the things we chose to do became more limited. We did more with her kid, or involving her kid. Her attitude and values about certain things evolved as she began to see life through the eyes of her son. But it was all manageable with only a few scrapes and bumps.

Unfortunately, by the time she had her third kid, it was all changing too much, and we absolutely drifted apart. We are still friends (friendly?) and keep in touch some, but it's not the close sisterhood it used to be. I think that just... happens. And it kind of sucks

 

[Romanseight2005]

I think there are seasons in our lives. There are times when we have more time for friends, and less time. I think the fact that you, Snoochface, and your friend are still friendly, is a good sign that your friendship could get closer at a later time. Her priorities are going to change with kids. I mean, if she's a good mom, then so much of her thinking will be surrounding her children, and that's how it should be.

It's okay to miss her now though.

 

[127.0.0.1]

I know a few people who completely changed when they had kids... it got to the point where everything had to be about the kid and they had not real identity outside of their kid. I kinda lost touch with a lot of those people because there just wasn't anything to keep in touch with unless you wanted to know how their kid was doing.

 

[Verve]

I have friends with kids, we don't only talk about their children though.
It's difficult to have friendships with people who have kids if their children are their whole world.
Sometimes being the child free friend means being the friend that is their life line to the real world.
There is this thing that happens between single world/married world and childfree/parenting for some reason that divides friendships if you don't do the proper maintenance. Communication and patience from both sides are really important.

Have you tried talking with her about your fears?

 

[Avniel]

I think this happens because when your married you can still have that me time that us time and then that friend time. I think a lot of people that don't have children don't understand that the place where the friendship was in priority has now been placed with a million things.

Example
1. God
2. Wife
3. Family
4. Work
5. Friends
6. Me time

Then with children it's
1. God
2. Wife
3. Child
4. Finances
5. Savings
6. Safety of home
7. Work
8. Family
9. Me time
10. Friends

 

[Verve]

Just wondering how this is turning out for you Puptart.
Hope things are going well with your friend.

 

[Audiomechanic]

My wife is going through something similar right now with one of her friends. Her long-time friend of 10 years + is pregnant and due around Thanksgiving. My wife has been happy and supportive, but her friend, whether by hormones or regret or jealousy has been lashing out (in those snide sneaky subtle "woman" ways of lashing out) at my wife for a couple months now. I kind of chalk it up to hormones being nuts due to the preggers, but it's still out of line. So my wife is distraught and upset over the whole thing and is thinking about just ending the friendship. Recently, my wife and her friend went to hang out and as her friend was getting in the car, her friend Bingo-d my wife again (for the 20-something time). My wife finally asked her why she keeps asking. Her friend replied....and I quote verbatim: "Because I want you to be as miserable as I am."


!!!!! Really?! And the child-free are selfish? Wow. My wife was speechless. She and her friend always had a great relationship before the pregnancy. If it is indeed hormones making her friend act this way, then wow. Those are impressively messed up hormones. Bi-polar even.

Then with children it's
1. God
2. Wife
3. Child
4. Finances
5. Savings
6. Safety of home
7. Work
8. Family
9. Me time
10. Friends

Here, let me fix that for you:

Then with children it's:
1. child
2. child
3. bragging about child
4. complaining about child
5. child
6. child
7. shopping for child
8. trying to persuade child-free friend to "join the club"
9. child
10. child
11. wait...I'm married? Oh, right.....spouse........LOL just kidding: child some more. Husband is worthless.
12. child
13. child
14. child
15. child
16. etc

 

[CounselorForChrist]

8. trying to persuade child-free friend to "join the club"

lol ^.^

Many of my married friends with children insist when I marry my fiance that we have children. I've got enough grey hair already at 31. I don't want anymore anytime soon. I love children and want a daughter badly but its to much for right now.

I love my parents but their marriage is not as happy as it once was since I was born. Being a sick child it caused stress, tension and everything else. Its why when people say I am a selfish man for not wanting children I shake my head. God doesn't say marriage means you must have children. Its two people coming together as one. Children are like a add-on package if you choose to do so.

 

[dorig59]

I agree with you completely. Very well said.