Affection

[Rembrandtfan]

For those of you who is the less naturally affectionate spouse - what I'm referring to is the desire to touch, hug, kiss, etc. - what do you do to motivate yourself to meet your spouse's need for affection?

 

[snoochface]

We are both really affectionate, but I'd have to say I'm probably the lesser of the two, when it comes to physical demonstration.

So when he initiates affectionate behavior, showering me with kisses or whatever, I might tire of it faster than he does (which sounds just horrible, but really I love it when he shows affection to me, it's just that sometimes he wants to kissy-face me for 5 minutes and I can't handle it, heh). When that happens, I'll usually give him one big long smooch on the lips as a kind of "ender" to the occurrence, and I always try to return the affection enough for him to feel as loved and valued as he makes me feel.

It's a give and take, really. But like I said, we're both very affectionate with each other, so it's probably easier for both of us to be okay with our personal "lines".

 

[llghoney]

I have to really push myself to be that way. I can go without hugs, touching etc... but he is a very affectionate person. The book Five Love languages helped some. But I mean I can't completley change to be like him but I try to do my best.

 

[FaithfulWife]

My dear hubby's emotional needs are: doing hobbies together, family commitment, acts of kindness (meaning help him clean the car), sexual fulfillment, and financial support probably in that order. My emotional needs are: talking with each other, honesty and openness, appreciation, sexual fulfillment and affection little doodads probably in that order! You'll note that except for sex, we don't actually have the same emotional needs anywhere! So for us, meeting each other's emotional needs is not something that comes from our natural personality.

BUT...

...both of us believe that we volunteered for this job AND made a commitment to do it even if it doesn't just come naturally. Now, when I say it doesn't come naturally, when I mean is that if left to my own devices I usually like to do my hobbies by myself (I crochet and make beaded jewelry and do calligraphy and chat online )...and dear hubby is usually a quiet guy who doesn't talk much. But we make the effort to play WITH each other and I specifically have learned most of the little hobbies that dear hubby does just so I can at least talk intelligently about it with him. And likewise, he may sit quietly all day but when we go to bed at night he'll usually spend 1/2 hour to an hour talking to me as if we're friends.

To motivate myself to DO what does not come naturally to me but I know is something he needs--I think of a couple things. First, I remind myself that living a life in obedience to God is pleasing to God, and that by keeping my marriage strong, I am obeying God. Second, I remind myself that my kids and family are stronger and more secure if I make the effort toward keeping my marriage strong. Third, I don't let my "feelings" overrule what I know I should do--I just do it even if I don't feel like it and eventually I begin to feel like it. Finally it takes about a month to make something a habit and after that it's sort of a part of your life...so if it's during that month I just remind myself that in a few days it will be a habit...and if it's after that month it's kind of easy because it's a habit that I'm into!

~Faithful

 

[AnyaMa]

I am lucky, we are both not very affectionate. There are days where one wants more than the other, and when its my turn, I just grin N bear it ;P

 

[Kris10leigh]

Wow. I'm surprised it's all women are admitting to being the less affectionate in the relationship. In the real world, I don't know anyone like me!!

I am by far the less affectionate one. I am very independent and do not like to stop and cuddle.

To combat this, I have to shut down my brain. I have to just stop my brain being active and slow down. (It's a very ADD trait) It's very, very hard for me to do.

 

[Hadassah]

I have to really push myself sometimes. Other times I'm affectionate in my own way.

DH is really... clingy and overboard sometimes with the affection and I find it really drowning sometimes and have to explain (very nicely) that I need him to back off a little and give me some personal space sometimes.

I do have to turn off my mind at night when DH is ready for bed and me to be in it asleep with him, which is really very hard for me.. I'm almost OCD with how my mind will race and be so active sometimes even at midnight, but I think that's kinda normal considering all the changes going on in our lives and what I need to get done when I can.

I try to find other ways to express my affection if I am not in a 'cuddle mood'. I got too used to being independent so I really have to work on the affection "thing"...

 

[Kris10leigh]

DH is really... clingy and overboard sometimes with the affection and I find it really drowning sometimes and have to explain (very nicely) that I need him to back off a little and give me some personal space sometimes.

Drowning, yes! That's how I feel, or smothered. I used to ask nicely and explain that I need personal space. Perhaps I need to remember to be so patient again. I guess it's just that after being married nearly 10 years DH already knows this about me. I should be more patient.

I do have to turn off my mind at night when DH is ready for bed and me to be in it asleep with him, which is really very hard for me.. I'm almost OCD with how my mind will race and be so active sometimes even at midnight, but I think that's kinda normal considering all the changes going on in our lives and what I need to get done when I can.

Is this normal? I don't know. I think it is! I can not shut my brain down ever, but night time is especially difficult as I recount everything I did not accomplish and everything that must get done the next day.

I try to find other ways to express my affection if I am not in a 'cuddle mood'. I got too used to being independent so I really have to work on the affection "thing"...

It is so hard to be so independent and then become part of a duo. I still struggle with this. It drives DH crazy because he wants me to need him he knows there's very little I seem to need him for. That sounds terrible, but we've both admitted it's true. Our family structure needs him, but I can survive. I do NEED DH for stupid things like ordering a pizza which for whatever reason terrifies me. And I have a horrible sense of directions so I can't go anywhere large (like a mall!!!) alone. But other than the trivial things like that, I'm pretty independent. I don't HAVE to go to the mall, or order pizza, or go to the amusment park. It makes life a little more interesting though.

 

[Hadassah]

LOL Kris, are you SURE we aren't related!?

I do need him for 'silly things' like the phone.. I don't touch it other than to talk to him or immediate family... going somewhere like the dr or shopping for food...

But then again I need him for normal stuff too. I've kinda been a baby the last month. "Hey, I feel really cruddy.. can you just bring dinner in here instead of me having to try to hobble in there to get it?"

I've been more independent than he'd like though on some things in the pregnancy.. like walking on the sidewalk 'Hey, let me walk on the outside.. hold my hand!! I don't want you to accidentally slip there or anything..." or " Why are you down there scrubbing/over there vacuuming? Gimme that!"

It's funny sometimes what we "fight" over. (discuss is more like it)

 

[Kris10leigh]

Hadassah, you do sound like me! But the things you are describing are "niceties". He's being gentlemanly, and how sweet! My DH would do all that do. But you don't NEED him to. It's just really, really nice, and you would miss it if it wasn't there. Perhaps that is what we need to focus on. We should let our husbands know how much we appreciate the things they do for us that we do not need.

Also, I milked both pregnancies for all they were worth! I think it's a way to let the guys participate. They feel helpless.

 

[PrincessStefania]

For those of you who is the less naturally affectionate spouse - what I'm referring to is the desire to touch, hug, kiss, etc. - what do you do to motivate yourself to meet your spouse's need for affection?

RembrandtFan,

I like your name!!! Great artist!!!

 

[Hadassah]

Hadassah, you do sound like me! But the things you are describing are "niceties". He's being gentlemanly, and how sweet! My DH would do all that do. But you don't NEED him to. It's just really, really nice, and you would miss it if it wasn't there. Perhaps that is what we need to focus on. We should let our husbands know how much we appreciate the things they do for us that we do not need.

Also, I milked both pregnancies for all they were worth! I think it's a way to let the guys participate. They feel helpless.

This is so, so true!! I really should look at it that way! Starting yesterday I think he's been getting "Nesty" on his own, so it's been interesting to watch all those boxes start to get unpacked, sifted and shifted and things actually put away.

I felt so icky yesterday that I couldn't help -- But I did get dinner made and got props for it being actually spicy. (I made Szechuan Chicken -- definitely a first for us to have home made)

I think the more we get to actually *be together* (We've been "together" yet apart for 7 years) the more things will mesh and I think we'll figure each other's languages out a bit better and not feel so independent or clingy in the other's eyes.. that's the fun part of the first couple of years anyway... right ?

 

[invisiblebabe]

We're both very affectionate. I'm pickier about when/where I want to be affectionate, but I'm also more demonstrative. He took a bit to get used to it, but we're fine now It just took a bit of time and understanding, because he wasn't used to someone being so openly affectionate with him.