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Advise: Marrying the Divorcee of a Heretic

cyberwatt

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**Please see EDIT below. Apologies beforehand...**

I would like some advice.

I am engaged to be married to a divorced woman whom I tenderly love. We are both believers and I believe she divorced for the right reasons. My question is this: after reading the reasons, do you agree those reasons are appropriate?

Her ex-husband claimed to be a believer and was never maritally unfaithful. However, he neglected her for years, treating her like "hired help" instead of a wife. But that's not the main reason I'm giving. Please read on.

For years he dragged her into very "cultish" situations and groups where she was subjected to many things that made her feel a deep sense of spiritual oppression. He began to demand that she observe all kinds of festivals and rituals that he said were essential to salvation. In others words, believing in Jesus Christ's words were not enough; she also had to do all these "things" if she wanted to be acceptable to God and enter into Heaven. His behavior frightened her, and he publicly humiliated her on several occasions including one where he accused her of adultery before several people even though she was innocent. I have no evidence that he ever repented of what I can only describe as heresy and demanding that she participate.

She was alone with a man who was a heretic and pressured her to become one as well. And at one point she came to the conclusion that her husband would never change and even get worse. She was drained, confused, and used up. So she divorced him. She and I found each other on-line afterward, and when we found we were both believers we rapidly fell in love. We have been together for almost two years and will be married later this year.

My pastor agrees that she and I should go ahead with the marriage. I want so badly to do things God's way, even though I know I am not yet perfect and struggle in certain areas.

So, can I have a well-considered opinion? I believe I'm doing the right thing. I know Jesus condemned marrying divorcees but He also said that one must "hate" many things in order to be a disciple. And obviously "hating" means willing to separate from something. Having been present at some activities which must, for lack of a better term, be called "demonic," I know to some extent what my fiance went through. I can't imagine any believer staying married to someone who is persistently courting powers and doctrines that don't come from God.

EDIT: I realize the purpose of this forum is really only to support the already divorced. But I really would like advice and I didn't know where else to turn. I believe God can make something beautiful out of anyone who repents, so I'm hopeful. Please forgive if I've brought offense.
 
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Annessa3

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hi Cyberwatt-
I can't advise you on this. If you believe her divorce was necessary, and your pastor supports the upcoming marriage, is that enough?

Can I ask one thing? Have you spoken to anyone who has known this woman for years? Your best insights into what her marriage was come from her, but also from an onlooker.

Have you been married before?
A
 
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cyberwatt

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hi Cyberwatt-
I can't advise you on this. If you believe her divorce was necessary, and your pastor supports the upcoming marriage, is that enough?

Can I ask one thing? Have you spoken to anyone who has known this woman for years? Your best insights into what her marriage was come from her, but also from an onlooker.

Have you been married before?
A

Hi Annessa. You make a valid point. To be honest it took courage to even post this as in many ways I felt my question had already been answered. So many things are going on in my life right now that I feel frankly overwhelmed, so I just wanted to perform a self-check. It's easy to lose track when life gets complicated.

I've spoken to all her friends and family members. Everyone loves her and knows how difficult it was for her to separate. My family loves her and her family loves me.

As for the heresy itself, I've no doubt that it was what I believe it was. I've had her explain it to me many times and I'm something of an amateur apologist; so I know that a Christian cannot absorb contrary worldviews, especially those that either smack of demonic power or blatantly contradict scripture. Apologetics is near and dear to my heart because knowing why I believe what I believe saved me from suicide in the 1990s.

I have never been married. And I am not ashamed to admit that I have kept my body sexually pure all my life. I accepted Christ as a teenager and have been walking with the Lord for over 30 years.

Hope this helps...
 
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Annessa3

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hi again-
if you have accepted her accounts as true, and have accepted that what she did was necessary, then go forward in faith and light. God may indeed hate divorce, but He also made legal provisions for it. AND He doesn't hate divorcees or divorcers, for which I am thankful personally. :D

God loves us and wants His best for us. That doesn't mean only the pretty, the perfect, the smart ones. God loves us and wants His best for us. Don't let the picayune legalists cast doubt into your heart.
A
 
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cyberwatt

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Thank you again, Annessa. This is one of the main reasons why Christianity is a social belief. Encouragement is the reason why we're supposed to get together after all. ;)

I have every reason to believe I'm being told everything honestly, so I'm going on that assumption. And I want to be sure to tell everyone who reads this: my bride-to-be is godly, kind, gentle and committed in a way I never thought possible. I sing her praises to everyone I meet. I've no doubt God will make a beautiful thing out of our life together. And I thank Him that He is both willing and able to provide.
 
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cyberwatt

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Does she feel that her ex-husband is truly saved (his behavior doesn't suggest it)? If so then the "depart" clause and being released from "bondage" of I Corinthians could apply. We are called to peace.

At this point I'll only say that I don't think this man truly knew what it means to be a believer. The entire book of Galatians is against him not to mention the warnings against adding and taking away from scripture. Galatians 1:9 ought to describe the situation.
 
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Tropical Wilds

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Maybe I'm in the minority, but if you're putting her marital history through it's paces to see if you are "safe" in marrying her, then perhaps you should rethink the marriage. If these are issues you are examining now that make you even mildly uncomfortable, then they'll continue to do so after you get married. Maybe they'll even get worse.

I mean, maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I've always thought that before you get to the point of "I want to get married," these sort of questions would be answered and resolved. Not "I want to get married" and THEN exploring the answers to these questions. If you thought they were explored and satisfied before getting engaged and find that they aren't, the chance of it being resolved satisfactorily now and having it not come up again during the marriage is fairly low, and it's unfair to keep asking her to account for, atone for, explain, or answer these questions for the whole of your relationship.

I just keep coming back to the fact that the identifier "she's a divorcee with a sordid past who's validity of Biblical divorce needs to be satisfied to a point where I'm comfortable marrying her" should be long gone and replaced with "she's a woman about to be my wife and this is our future." The fact you're still dwelling this means that on some level, if you realize it or not, you've not forgiven and accepted her history. In the long run, that'll just make things hard on the marriage, hard on her, and it'll make you crazy.
 
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Autumnleaf

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If it were me I would call the guy and get his side of things. One sided accusations don't fly well with me. ie what does it mean he treated her like the hired help? Was she online all day and neglecting the home while he worked? Then he comes home and tells her to get off the couch and tidy the place up?

Too many unknowns.

Oh the churchy stuff. Ask him. Did he try to get her to go to church and she got mad about it and started accusing him of bad things? What will happen if you start trying to get her to go to your church. What will be wrong with it when she's rather peruse pinterest?
 
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