Advise for broken relationship

[mnati21]

Hi, I am new here and need advise from good christian people. Ok, I am 35 and have struggled back in forth with my relationship with God, I am like the prodigal son....I have always wanted to be closer to him and would but then when times were good and would figure I can handle things myself. Of couse then I would slip and fall. I have had trouble with lies, deception and infidility in my past. I vowed not to do again in my new relationship. I had an 11 month relationship with a WONDERFUL women who was everything I had always dreamed of.....we started off in church, read together etc....we spent most all our time together....but then I got away from letting God lead my life....and once again I fell....hard. I had on again off again contact with an ex-gf. I would try to fight it, knew it was wrong and hated when I made contact but like an addict I was not strong enough to stop. We were intimate once and had numerous phone realtions even up to the end. I would make up excuses not to see her because I knew I didn't really want her....I only saw her 3 times in those 11 months but I could not END it. I denied everything up till the point my GF talked with the ex and knew everything and even heard several voice mail messages. Well it has been 5 weeks since that dreadful day....This event has final given me the strength, desire, dedication and determination to let God lead my life. I seek him daily and look forward to a life letting him lead me and being the GOOD person I know is in me. I know I messed up and know I am better because of it. I feel deep down she is the one for me still....that the person I have become is the one she thought I was only 100times better now. She does not see her trusting me again, she doesn't see us in the future. We are both going to individual couseling and I am doing great in my walk with God.....She is working on issues but is living life day to day and doesn't know what the future holds or is looking at it......I know she love me deep down but she show and gives NO hope or desire for us at all. She does talk and email me occasionally but makes sure not to let me think there is hope for us. I know God can renew us, make us better than we were.....What can I do so that she can see that i am not the man I was, that I am a changed person that she desires. I love her so much.....I am learning and experiencing so much now I wish I could share it, so she can see what I see, see my growth and excitment.....I want to help her through this.....I want us to work together to overcome this......isn't that what you would do if you were married.....I know she says dating shouldn't be this hard, should be easy that maybe this is a sign I'm not for her.......I just want to at least try.....its hard to let go and HOPE that one day our paths will cross again.....I see her as my future mate so why woldn't I treat and act like I would if married and fight for her....Any help would be greatly appreciated. I struggle each day wanting to talk, write and convince her we CAN make it.......I know God can do anything why can she not see and believe or want that.......I know she saw me as her future husband before all this and loved me more than she knew......so why can't she see that possiblity now.....

 

[Lia]

You hurt her once big time when you had some rendevouz with your ex and you weren't honest with her. You guys were still dating but you weren't faithful to her..let alone as married couple someday. So because of this reason, she was hurt, felt betrayed and devastated. I don't blame her losing her trust to you and future with you.

Don't push or convince her to see you that you changed now. Be her friend and pray for her heart to forgive you. You need to focus on God yourself and be content just with him. I know it's hard because you love her and don't want to let her go. But in the meantime, you need to let it go, give it up to God and trust him fully so you won't be so anxious...

You can plead to God to give the relationship back, but be ready if God will not give it back and don't keep your hopes high. If God's willing, he will give at the right time and place. If not, learn from your mistake and God will provide someone for you in the future. Much grace to you!

 

[Breetai]

First of all, welcome to CF.

That sure is a heartbreaking post that you gave. Life is tough sometimes. We make mistakes and have to live with the consequences of them. I'm sorry to say, but it looks like it might be best for you to move on. All you're doing to bringing yourself down for hoping for something which that girl is refusing to give you. Do yourself a favour and put her(both the girls) in the past. Work on building an even stronger faith in Jesus instead. I'm sure that you'll cross paths with many other girls that would be great for you! The best part is that you have made mistakes that you've now learned from. That'll make things much easier for you in the future.

God bless.

 

[mnati21]

Thanks for your advise. I guess I don't understand why I must let her go??? Granted I made the mistake but if we were married wouldn't most say try to work it out.....I see her as the one I want to spend the rest of my life with so why not fight for her. I have put the ex-gf in the past, something I needed to do long ago.....but I don't know why this isn't something that can be worked through.....the easy way seems to let her go and start again....but isn't anything worth having worth fighting for......I know my mind is biased because of the intense love I feel and confindence I have that we can truly be a happy couple....yes through Gods grace and yes giving him all the praise.....where is it that 1 only get one chance and once you make a mistake its over......I am just confused.......

 

[Breetai]

I've been in similar situations myself. It hurts like a son of a dog. One thing that I've learned is that sometimes females get it in their head that when a relationship is over, it really is over. Many guys, when a girl tells them that it's 'over', assume that if they can find a way to let the girl know just how perfect that they really could be togather(with some work of course!) that they will take the guy back. This almost never works. A girl's mind is a hard thing to change, and if this girl cannot see how willing you really are to make things work out, then you will only be wasting your time in your honourable efforts.

It's true that if you were married that most people would indeed say to work it out. I would as well. The thing is that you and this girl have not made the vows that married people make. Even if you are willing to live by these unsaid vows, she obviously hasn't made them to herself and is unwilling to work it out with you.

Some things are worth fighting for, but when only one person realizes this, the one person that is doing the fighting will always lose. I'm sure that you've been fighting a hard battle here. It's probably time to hang up your battle gear and become a new man.

I'm wondering exactly where you're coming from here. Does the 21 in your name represent your age? How old are you? How strong is your faith in Christ? How much confidence do you have in yourself around girls?

 

[mnati21]

I am 35 and have been married before.....my faith in God is growing, I know he has the power to do all things.....I don't know if she has totally given up.....she hasn't said leave me alone, she does call me and return e-mails....she even invited me to dinner last Sunday, (to see how she felt around me) She will even be at my house(I am roomates with her best friend) Sat. doing a yard sale......I want to think deep down she is not giving up....just seeing what the future holds and what God and her heart tell her........I don't want to look back one day and think I lost the best thing in my life and didn't even fight for it or get it a REAL chance.......I am just that way....I don't like to give up on things I feel are right.....and God hasn't convicted me that she is NOT for me.....maybe he will but not yet.....Thanks again for your input....

 

[Breetai]

Opps, you said your age in your first post. Sorry about that.

She does call you? Well, that's a good sign. Maybe don't completely give up then.

How do you act when you're around her now? Are you usually happy and do you think that you bring people to a good mood when you are in the room? Do you act differently around her now then when you did when you were with her? Maybe you need to make her fall in love with you again. Can you make her laugh fairly easily?

 

[mnati21]

I have only been around her 2 times since we broke up, Saturday will be the 3rd and probably the longest. Laughter is something we did have between each other...I try to be up beat as I feel like a giddy little kid when I see her or she calls. There are some calls where she vents anger and some where she just questions about this or that.....I don't feel the door is shut....yet.....I just want to do all I can do so she can SEE the difference in me....I know she cant believe my words....She needs to see the new me, not the one she can't believe or trust.

 

[Breetai]

Well, then I hope that all goes well for you on Saturday. I'm curious to how things turn out for you.

 

[Leanna]

I know you are in pain, so sorry for this, but you acting like "its only one mistake, how can it ruin it all?" Dude, I'm a woman and that's not just one mistake, that's like 100. If I had a boyfriend (as opposed to husband) and he slept with another woman I don't know how long that would take to get over. I don't know if I would give him another chance when I didn't have to. Furthermore the mistake was just not one sexual encounter(which cuts to the core), it was you talking on the phone, leaving messages between you, it was like you were dating someone else and cheating on her the whole time. It sounds like you need to acknowledge this and give her a proper apology. Then tell her that you are going to focus on God and NOT keep talking to the other woman and you are still interested in her but you are going to give her some space. Then do it. It may still work out if you truly had a lot of good things going in your relationship.

 

[mnati21]

Thanks and yes I know it was way more the just 1 mistake....I have acknowledged and apoligized and done all I could to be open and honest about the whole event. I am focusing on God and letting him lead my life the way I always wanted....I am becoming a stronger christian and going to counseling so that I won't be weak and make the same choices again. She continues to be angry, hurtful and mean at some times. Understandable....but this seems counterproductive to continue to beat me up....deserve it I may....I live with the same pain, hurt, anger, dissapointment as she except I have to look at myself in the mirror and know I did it to us. She wants to know "how" and "why" There is no perfect answer, no clear cut reason.....and even though I made those terrible choices it doesn't mean I didn't love her as much as I say. She has not forgiven me yet....still big on only 5 weeks.....there is doubt in me in everything I do(understandable) when is the time to stop focusing on the hurt and moving toward the healing.....I am not belittling what I did or trying to get away easy.....but I have to remain positive, I know my life has changed for the best, I know I am a better person now than before....if she would let go off the anger and let God heal her pain she could start to see....totally healed I'm not, but never will I be perfect, but each day I am better and stronger because of my relationship with God......I don't need to meditate for a year in solitude to grow in my walk with God.......I just needed the dedication and determination to do what has been inside me all along. I have had no contact with the other women nor have I had any desire too....that part of my life is dead and I want to focus on a positive, different me......I just wish she had the hope, faith, and desire to want to see that too......if she didn't care and love me.....would she still be talking with me? I want to be there for her, I want her to KNOW I am truly sorry for my actions and that I am changed because of it.....It takes 2 people who want to work through something......there are 1000's of other couples that have gone through worse and came out better.......I know we could......but in her there is no hope or desire now.....she says it may be a year or more if ever......