Advice, please: How do I signal that I'm NOT interested?

shep87 · Jun 6, 2006

i think you'd probably get the best result if you stuck post-it notes everywhere declaring your hatred of men in general

Alexander1982 · Jun 6, 2006

she doesn't hate men!

do you pea?

Princess Pea · Jun 6, 2006

Alexander1982 said:
she doesn't hate men!

do you pea?

'Course not! But the post-it thing would probably quite effective, regardless.

Irascible · Jun 6, 2006

Hmm. If Post-Its are effective that way, I wonder what would happen if I stuck them everywhere with my professed love of women?

~HopeFloats~ · Jun 6, 2006

Irascible said:
Hmm. If Post-Its are effective that way, I wonder what would happen if I stuck them everywhere with my professed love of women?

Try it out and just remember to update us Ras

Alexander1982 · Jun 6, 2006

I just wonder Pea, do you ever consider what your guy would feel and what he is bound to go through when you give him a no?

That question will be directed to all of you women - when a guy who genuininely likes you - a feeling that would make them unselfishly do things for you - and when you throw that feeling away when you reject them. Do you consider and understand their feelings or would you look down on them?

Blank123 · Jun 6, 2006

Alexander1982 said:
I just wonder Pea, do you ever consider what your guy would feel and what he is bound to go through when you give him a no?

That question will be directed to all of you women - when a guy who genuininely likes you - a feeling that would make them unselfishly do things for you - and when you throw that feeling away when you reject them. Do you consider and understand their feelings or would you look down on them?

thats exactly the reason I hate rejecting guys as romantic interests. I hate having to hurt their feelings. But at the same time I realize that its even more cruel to lead them on.

Jenster · Jun 7, 2006

Yeah, what little_tigress said.

I've been on both sides myself, so I don't reject people lightly. It's difficult to do so gently, though, especially when you need to be clear. People with hopes of having their feelings reciprocated can easily hear only what they wish to hear, unless they're told firmly that there is no possibility. Even people who are told firmly have been known not to take "no" for an answer.

So rest assured that if the person (man or woman) is truly worthy of your affection in the first place, he or she has considered your feelings. If you're rejected and looked down upon, would you REALLY have wanted to be with that person in the first place??

eringilmour · Jun 7, 2006

The thing is that if he has never said anything to you about getting together I wouldn't worry about it.... He may just value you as a close friend and enjoy your company you never know..... But if you really feel like you need to talk to him about it I would bring it up in casual conversation, by saying something like Do you ever see yourself married, this would open the door for him to tell you how he feels bout you if he does.....

Timyone · Jun 7, 2006

Princess Pea said:
Edit: Maybe I should call him up and offer to set him up with one of my friends? Would that do the trick?

lol i hate the feeling when a girl does that to me!!.
i know i should of read more than the first post, so ill keep reading before i reply

Timyone · Jun 7, 2006

ok im not going to read through it all

but yeah ive had girls do the whole talk with me, some i was into some they just thought i was, but i might wait for him to ask ya out hey.

buuuut i guess it could be nicer to him to let him know so he doesnt get any more into you, if he actually is(i know alot of situations like yours where neither are interested but both think the other might be)

so yeah maybe it would be better to tell him.
dunno how though

Princess Pea · Jun 7, 2006

Alexander1982 said:
I just wonder Pea, do you ever consider what your guy would feel and what he is bound to go through when you give him a no?

Yes, I do consider that. That's what makes it so hard. I have been on the other side, and I know how much it hurts. If you're not interested in someone, though, saying no (ie rejecting them) is the right thing to do. And there isn't a completely painless way to reject someone any more than there's a completely painless way to peel off a band-aid. You can and should do whatever you can to minimize the pain, and one way to do that is to cut things off as early as possible. However, there's always going to be an element of pain in even the gentlest rejection. That's just the nature of rejection.

Alexander1982 said:
That question will be directed to all of you women - when a guy who genuininely likes you - a feeling that would make them unselfishly do things for you - and when you throw that feeling away when you reject them. Do you consider and understand their feelings or would you look down on them?

I don't look down on anyone who genuinely likes me. I'm usually flattered by the interest, and think he was a pretty courageous dude for having had the guts to ask me in the first place. I'd sometimes think "Now there's a man who's eventually going to find the right woman. All he has to do is keep on doing what he just did until he gets a yes."

I should say, though, that a person's response to the rejection says a lot about them. I remember one guy who was disappointed but courteous, and even though it was awkward he managed to put his feelings aside and be cordial afterwards. That made me think he must have been a pretty worthwhile guy, and my respect for him grew. It didn't make me change my mind about dating him, but it made me think about which of my girlfriends he might get along with. I also remember one guy who got all petulant and self pitying and sarcastic. His reaction was a complete turn-off, and confirmed to me that my "no" had been the right answer.

Alexander1982 · Jun 7, 2006

Princess Pea said:
I should say, though, that a person's response to the rejection says a lot about them. I remember one guy who was disappointed but courteous, and even though it was awkward he managed to put his feelings aside and be cordial afterwards. That made me think he must have been a pretty worthwhile guy, and my respect for him grew.

Oh no!! *cringes in embarassment*
What did I do *cringes a bit more*

Irascible · Jun 7, 2006

Princess Pea said:
I should say, though, that a person's response to the rejection says a lot about them. I remember one guy who was disappointed but courteous, and even though it was awkward he managed to put his feelings aside and be cordial afterwards. That made me think he must have been a pretty worthwhile guy, and my respect for him grew.

Darn right. How one handles rejection and how one dispenses it both say a lot about a person's maturity and character. So rip that Band-Aid off already, will ya?

Princess Pea · Jun 7, 2006

Alexander1982 said:
Oh no!! *cringes in embarassment*
What did I do *cringes a bit more*

I have no idea what you did, but in almost every situation I can think of, "What have I learned?" and "What will I do next time?" are more productive questions than "What did I do?"

(Pea copies own advice onto Post-it note, applies to own forehead, and waits hopefully for osmosis to do its work ... )

Princess Pea · Jun 7, 2006

Irascible said:
So rip that Band-Aid off already, will ya?

Who, me? I will ... as soon as I'm certain there's actually a Band-aid to rip off. If it turns out to be merely a Band-aid shaped birthmark, he'll be perplexed at my attempts and I'll feel pretty silly. Furthermore, he'll end up needing a real Band-aid to repair the damage I inflicted in my attempts to tear off the imagined one ...

OK, even I'm confused now. I shouldn't play with metaphors past the dinner hour.

Alexander1982 · Jun 8, 2006

Princess Pea said:
I have no idea what you did, but in almost every situation I can think of, "What have I learned?" and "What will I do next time?" are more productive questions than "What did I do?"
[\quote]

I had a serious yet stupid infatuation on a half-asian girl from church 3 years ago. I was still young at the time hence my maturity level was down.

Last year I decided to take the courage to talk to her when I saw her at the shops. As I got near her my fears increased rapidly but I told myself "come on You can do this it's now or never!!". I found myself a step away from this girl and I was at breaking point. I was soo nervous that for a split second I almost vommitted on her!

I could have easily gave up and walked away, but that's what cowards do- I didn't want fear to rule my life.So rather then saying hi to her (nothing came out of my voice) I nudged her in the elbow - a very bad gesture.I immediately thought to myself "oh crap you stuffed it, now she's gonna think I'm a freak." But she whipped her beautiful head around and smiled at me as if she knew me already and said hi enthusiastically. I just couldn't believe my luck, my fear evaporated from the moment this half asian girl smiled at me

So from then on we talked like as if we're regular friends even though we're really acquainted. I found some interesting things about her, she's studying french and plays tennis and her mum is proctective - just like my mum

On a particular Thursday, I tried to ask her out and her number. But she says she;s getting a new mobile and doesn't have her new number yet. I tried to ask her out for the weekends but she said she's busy with study. Despite having a minimum experience with talking to girls I tried to counteract the awkward silence between us I tried to make another interesting conversation with her but I found myself running out of material. As I walked away from her after saying good-bye, I turned around and saw her giggling by herself. From that I started to get scared. "Oh no this is not good" I say to myself.

Then Valentines was approaching (I'll never see that bloody occassion the same way ever again - bloody waste of time!). I told my university friend Ania about the half asian girl - learning from her the art of dating and wooing. Ania suggested that I should get her something for Valentines. But I was uneasy about it not confident that this was a good-step.

"Are you sure Ania?" I asked "I mean I only known her for 3 weeks is this a good idea?"
"Sure it is!"Ania replied enthusiastically "Girls love this stuff"

So I took Ania's word for it. I bought her a Valentines day gift consisting of a small teddy and a card that says Heuruse St Valentines (Happy Valentines day in french).

On that disastrous Friday, at the same Indooroopilly bus stop I waited for her to arrive, but this time she was accompanied by her giggling friends heading inside the mall. So I waited for her to be alone, as I waited I noticed that her bus went past and she was still inside the Mall. When she did come out of the mall and waited for her bus. I came up to her and said she missed her bus. She smiled and got up and checked the bus timetable. I asked her where you going? But she murmured something I didn't hear.It was though she didn't want to talk to me

My bus arrived and strangely she got on it, I hesitantly go on it as well apparently not wanting to lose this battle. I foolishly nudged her in the elbow again in an attempt to talk to her but she smiled at me and said she felt sick and wasn't in the mood to talk (which was a lie she looked OK to me). I smiled back as if to say "oh really that ok", but in my heart I was panicking. As I watched nervously at the half asian girl listening to her discman/iPod or whatever her earphones were connected to in her bag, I prayed furiously in my head "Please God I don't wana suffer another heartbreak, I don't want this to be number 6, please let this go alright".

When my bus stop came I took the gift out as carefully as possible. I took a very deep breath and faced her one more time and said "I was meant to give you this on Monday but you weren't there so Happy Valentines 6 days late." To my horror, she eyed the gift as if to say "what the hell! why can't this guy leave me alone" rathen then "aaawww that so sweet, I like this guy." In an attempt not to hurt me, she smiled again this time with a bigger grin but pushed to gift back to me. My unrequited nightmare had come true, I was fighting a losing battle and I couldn't fight it anymore as people were watching me.

From then on I knew that this half asian girl, the girl of my dreams for two years, will not be my very first girlfriend but my 6th heartbreak. I got off the bus and sat quiet in distraught as I realised what I did was extremely stupid - I went too far too soon.

From then on I never bothered to see her again because I didn't want her to think I was obssessed with her, and I was too embarassed to face her again.

But now that you said that I should be corteuos twoards it embarassed me more, because my response to the rejection makes her think I am a wimp

"What will I do next time?"

Click to expand...

I would have said give her more time to show her what I am really like, but it's not gonna make a difference at all since the result would be the same as your guy. I don't know if I have the same level of courage now as I did before.

Alexander1982 · Jun 8, 2006

It makes me realise that being a guy is hard
Because guys get rejected more often then girls

Princess Pea · Jun 9, 2006

OK, I see what you mean. It took a lot of guts to do what you did, and I'm sorry she wasn't interested. Your friend Ania led you in the wrong direction (duh!)

BUT ... I think you ARE being courteous to her. Courtesy, in my opinion, means that you're doing whatever you can to make someone feel comfortable and to avoid making them feel uncomfortable. If the best way to make her (and yourself) feel comfortable at this point is for you to stay out of each other's way, I think you're doing just fine. I really, honestly, truly doubt she thinks you're a wimp. She probably thinks you took a big risk (publicly, even!) to ask her out. That's not something wimps ever do.

Discourteous would have been getting a "no" from her and getting really angry and aggrieved immediately ... "What do you mean, no? Do you know how much this bear cost me? I took a day off work to find you at this mall ... " Or tracking her down later and demanding a reason why she'd said no ... or pleading with her to change her mind ... or going to everyone she knows and saying what a cold, heartless, unfeeling person she is. That sort of thing. See what I mean?

If you're ever in a position where you can't avoid her, and you can manage to put your feelings aside and simply say "hello" and maybe even manage a small smile, that's really all you have to do to be courteous. And if you never run into her again, you don't have to do anything. Does that make any sense?

Alexander1982 said:
I would have said give her more time to show her what I am really like, but it's not gonna make a difference at all since the result would be the same as your guy. I don't know if I have the same level of courage now as I did before.

Maybe not with this girl ... but with someone else. And from some of the things you've said, I think you can see now that she was trying to tell you "no" earlier on. And I bet you won't ask Ania for any more advice either.

Alexander1982 said:
It makes me realise that being a guy is hard
Because guys get rejected more often then girls

Directly, maybe, because you're the ones who are supposed to ask all the big questions. But women get rejected too ... one date gets us all excited, and then the guy never calls back. Or we try to get his attention and he makes it clear he's not interested ... that's not much fun either. And some women do ask guys out.

Please don't give up because of this one incident.

jenptcfan · Jun 9, 2006

If he hasn't really asked you out or made any obvious moves in that direction, I think you're OK.

There are simple things you can do to make it obvious that you're only friends. When the waiter assumes you're a couple, correct him and ask him to separate the checks. You're already not going to do stuff with him one-on-one, so it sounds like you're doing a pretty good job of not sending mixed signals.

Advice, please: How do I signal that I'm NOT interested?

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