Advice about getting married before the wedding?

[poobah]

Hello everyone,

My fiance and I are getting married next year in late Spring, we want our wedding to be an outreach to our families as we are the only Christians. As we are currently living in Hong Kong and our families are in England we will not be wed until next year. However we have been together for 8 years and sometimes find it difficult to fight temptation. The Bible says we shouldn't burn with passion so we thought we ought to get married before our wedding but just keep it a secret from our families (our parents would be upset).

Has anyone had any experience of this before? Any opinions/advice would be appreciated.

GB

Poobah

 

[Grishnak]

We''re doing the same thing for different reasons.
I wont give all the details again so I dont mess up your thread, but we are letting ceasar marry us (justice of the peace) in the next few weeks, and wont be letting on to anyone and then having a wedding in the fall most likely.

Its a long, drawn out story but its about the only way we can deal with certain personal issues and also keep her family from being upset with her.



If it were me, i do as Paul instructs and just marry in your case

Now for all the folks who are like ''you cant marry for sex'' to give thier opinions

 

[InTheFlame]

You're aware that you'll require self-control AFTER the wedding too, right?

I don't have any concrete opinion or advice to offer, except that you should be careful to consider the possible consequences of what is, in a way, a lie-by-omission. And check whether it'll be possible for the marriage celebrant to actually refer to the ceremony as a wedding, if you're already legally married.

I suspect you could do harm to your families' opinion of christianity by doing this (it's likely to come out sometime), than good...

 

[gracefaith]

Two friends of mine eloped a few years back because they parent's swore up and down that they just couldn't find a weekend that summer that they could all agree on for the wedding. So the two of them got married in their pastor's office (they lived 400 miles away from the parents by then) and kept it a secret for 8 months.

I was slightly distainful at the time, but appreciated that they would rather be married than simply cohabitate. Recently, a girl a work with decided to move in with her fiancee because their wedding was going have to be postponed several months (he is waiting for annulment from the Catholic church to come through.) I suggested that they get married by the justice of the peace (before moving in) and having the wedding later. The woman actually gasped, "Oh, no. I just wouldn't feel right about that!"

What? It's okay to live together but there's something morally wrong about getting married by the JP?

I say elope as you planned and live and love under the blessing of God. If I were you though, I would tell your parents after you do it. You are adults now and need to stand by your choices. Chances are, your parents will disapprove of other choices you will make in the future and now is as good a time as ever to establish your independence.

 

[seebs]

The purpose of a wedding is to celebrate a marriage. For most of five thousand years, in most of the world, the formal ceremony has been a question of scheduling convenience for most people.

MHO.

 

[Andry]

Hello everyone,

My fiance and I are getting married next year in late Spring, we want our wedding to be an outreach to our families as we are the only Christians. As we are currently living in Hong Kong and our families are in England we will not be wed until next year. However we have been together for 8 years and sometimes find it difficult to fight temptation. The Bible says we shouldn't burn with passion so we thought we ought to get married before our wedding but just keep it a secret from our families (our parents would be upset).

Has anyone had any experience of this before? Any opinions/advice would be appreciated.

GB

Poobah

I don't get it. You say that you want your wedding to be an outreach opportunity to your families. So far so good. Admirable in fact.

But basically you want to keep your marriage a secret from your families so that you can have sex. So what does that say about your Christian witness to your family who are to be outreached at your wedding?

Sorry to burst your bubble. Honesty is best. What would Jesus have done?

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I just picture what would happen in my family if I did this...

The fallout would be too much - my mum would be devastated.

And like the others said, this would have a greater chance of destroying your Christian witness towards these people (considering you would have been deceptive about the true nature of your marital status, and have covered up the details in secrecy - NEVER a good start to a marriage), then building it up in their opinion.

Trust me - no matter how hard you try to hide something, at some point in your life it WILL be exposed - and the fallout (from how it would affect my family, and most of those around me) would be too much.

I've seen too many mums devastated by their sons and daughters doing this in secret that it's just not worth it in my opinion.



Sasch

 

[Katydid]

My husband and I were both military when we married. We explained to both families that we were going to get married and then have the wedding later. The wedding was wonderful. There was a bee that got caught in my veil, and guess what everyone was laughing, why, because the pressure wasn't on us to have a perfect wedding. Personally, I loved being married before the ceremony, though if I was you, I wouldn't lie. I would tell them that we had a civil ceremony (our first was actually by a preacher) and that you still want the family to have a wedding celebration, so that everyone can get together and meet and also to show support etc. Being in the military, this is a fairly common approach, what with having to schedule leave etc. to have a ceremony. And of course the fact that making wedding plans doesn't take priority over a trip to the field, or worse, deployment. For us, it was that my husband was going to get sent to Korea unless we got "joint domicile". So we got married in March and had the ceremony in July. Like I said, it was wonderful and I don't see anything wrong with that part, but the lying would part would bother me.

 

[poobah]

Hi,

Um thanks for the advice - I know I said all opinions are welcome but um I felt like a pretty awful person having read some of your posts! It came across that we are only wanting to get married to have sex but that's just not true. We have prayed about our relationship and have personally heard from God that he wants us to marry, we love each other and we want to devote our marriage to God. We were just worried about remaining in temptation - I am sure that we will continue to fight it if we don't marry soon, I just wasn't sure if it was right to continue fighting it. Whilst I believe a sexual relationship will be great, I am willing to wait!

Having read your posts and speaking to my fiance I do think if were to marry that we would tell our families no matter how they feel about it.

God Bless

 

[fruitrach]

Hi poobah

I think that's definitely the best way - have an official marriage ceremony now and a big family celebration as soon as its possible. As long as you explain to your families why you've made that decision, they'll probably be happy once they get used to the idea. Much better than lots of little secrets and lies.

Whichever way, bless you lots.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I won't get into the 'marry earlier to have sex' discussion, because I'm fairly certain (at least I hope) that a couple discussing marriage aren't as selfish or uncontrolled as all that! Elsewise hurrying up the marriage isn't going to stop those behaviours happening after the wedding (selfcontrol doesn't stop once you're morally allowed to engage in sexual oneness with your spouse, remember!). I think that's a good reason to wait before marriage - it's a surefire way to ensure you know how to be responsibly self-controlled in ALL things (not just sex)...

I was more concerned with starting off your marriage with a lie. It may seem like a small-ish one to you, but allowing a lie like that at the start of your marriage, can contribute to bigger lies in the future being permissible.

In my eyes, it could open up a big can of worms if you were to start your marriage off like that, and THAT (more than the desire to 'speed up' for sex) worried me the most!

Thank you for being so open to our advice though - it shows a teachable spirit - which I think is a big sign of maturity...

Sasch

 

[LiberatedChick]

Having read your posts and speaking to my fiance I do think if were to marry that we would tell our families no matter how they feel about it.

I think this is wise. If you get married now, keep it a secret and then go and plan a wedding as if you weren't married...you'd be living a lie. These things also have a habit of getting found out too which would be very harming to your witness.

It may seem impossible for them to find out but you may find that because you've already legally married you may not be able to have another legal wedding ceremony in the UK (i.e. civil ceremony or Church of England ceremony). I may be wrong but I don't see them being able to do another legal ceremony (unless maybe you ask a pastor very nicely if he'd do the ceremony but without the banns being read beforehand and the register being signed afterwards). But if you find you can't and they then start to question why you haven't planned a legal wedding then they're going to find out the lie. And well, the longer they've been lied to the worse it'll be for you and them.

Only you two can decide whether you want to do this or not. If you do though, definately tell them straight away. If they find out later on they've been lied to for months they won't be happy at all.

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

Have a "renew your vows" ceremony. I personally do not see a problem with getting married in a civil ceremony first and then having a wedding celebration later on. I do agree that you should not lie to anyone if you do go ahead with the civil ceremony.

I'm sure sex is just one of the reasons behind your decision, but we all seem to focus on that somehow, don't we?

Why stress and worry so much on what other people think, even family, about not being there, etc.? It's your day, your wedding, your marriage. You need to do what's best for you. I can understand wanting your family to be there and not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, but if you end up getting pulled in different directions, it's for the best.

 

[Yitzchak]

I have known lots of couples who did what you described. I think that with our global village world that we live in, it is harder and harder to arrange family events such as weddings.

The most important thing is your relationship with your wife and your relationship with God. I would not wait because of logistical problems with a wedding date. I agree that it is probably better to not keep it a secret but I also think that it would be understandable if you wanted to keep it secret.

 

[Avaya]

Hello everyone,

My fiance and I are getting married next year in late Spring, we want our wedding to be an outreach to our families as we are the only Christians. As we are currently living in Hong Kong and our families are in England we will not be wed until next year. However we have been together for 8 years and sometimes find it difficult to fight temptation. The Bible says we shouldn't burn with passion so we thought we ought to get married before our wedding but just keep it a secret from our families (our parents would be upset).

Has anyone had any experience of this before? Any opinions/advice would be appreciated.

GB

Poobah

I would do it. I see a 'wedding' sort of like (on a small scale) baptism. It's a public display of a private committment. I would have the marriage ceremony now, and then do a wedding when it's convenient (even though it's not necessary for a marriage).

 

[Crazy Liz]

I kinda agree with what seebs said. You could get married now and have the reception as soon as you can get home and schedule it.

I also don't get all this talk about getting married so you can have sex and whether that's right or wrong, etc., etc. I come from a Christian tradition in which long engagements are heavily frowned upon. Yesterday a (single) Christian friend told me about an advice column he had just written about buying an engagement ring. Seems one of his Christian buddies is just doing this right now. In the next breath he was talking about him and a couple of buddies (including this one getting an apartment together. What's wrong with this picture? He said they weren't getting married for at least a year. I started shaking my head and he busted out laughing!

But seriously, when you're ready to get married, get married. Don't put it off for some big elaborate ceremony. Some couples might think an evangelistic wedding ceremony is cool, but in the grand scheme of things I don't think this is the place to put your priorities. If you want to get married before you can get home, then get married and have the party when you can.

 

[Andry]

As an unmarried couple, you can do everything a married couple can except have sex.

Or to put it in another way, name one thing other than sex, that married couples can do that unmarried couples can't?

Sure there are cultural variations, but I can't think of anything on moral grounds.

Buy a house together? Sure. Live together? Sure, as long as not sharing the same bed. Go on vacations together? Sure. Have joint communion? Of course. Etc. etc.

Can anyone think of anything?

 

[CynthiaSpeaks]

Hi,

Um thanks for the advice - I know I said all opinions are welcome but um I felt like a pretty awful person having read some of your posts! It came across that we are only wanting to get married to have sex but that's just not true. We have prayed about our relationship and have personally heard from God that he wants us to marry, we love each other and we want to devote our marriage to God. We were just worried about remaining in temptation - I am sure that we will continue to fight it if we don't marry soon, I just wasn't sure if it was right to continue fighting it. Whilst I believe a sexual relationship will be great, I am willing to wait!

Having read your posts and speaking to my fiance I do think if were to marry that we would tell our families no matter how they feel about it.

God Bless

Phew! You are doing the right thing by telling them.

My concern was that whether you give in to temptation or marry and lie to your families when the subject came up [and you know it would ], you'd be sinning either way. Both sins are equal in God's eyes so you wouldn't really be accomplishing what you set out to do.

Marry and tell your families. It will be a good ice breaker for future decisions that you make without them!

 

[Svt4Him]

Sorry to burst your bubble. Honesty is best. What would Jesus have done?

I'd be willing to hazzard a guess and say Jesus would remain single.

But I do understand your point. It's a bit hypocritical to be sleeping together because of a secret service and play marriage just to witness. Maybe that's not how it is, but it does seem like it.

Personally I'd try and avoid temptations, and get someone you can be accountable to. I knew someone would ask me about what my wife and I were doing (before marriage) so I would be good.

 

[Crazy Liz]

I'd be willing to hazzard a guess and say Jesus would remain single.

Maybe. As far as I know, Jesus never married.

But I do understand your point. It's a bit hypocritical to be sleeping together because of a secret service and play marriage just to witness. Maybe that's not how it is, but it does seem like it.

Now that's a pretty good point. To pretend you're not married just so you can have an evangelistic wedding ceremony in front of your relatives doesn't sound so wise. What will they think of your witness once they realize you deceived them?

Personally I'd try and avoid temptations, and get someone you can be accountable to. I knew someone would ask me about what my wife and I were doing (before marriage) so I would be good.

We all have different personal preferences. Personally, I'd get married and give up the idea of an evangelistic ceremony.