adultery

[asher24]

I know someone who cheated on his wife a couple years ago three times with two different women. He was terribly unhappy at the time due to his own depression and also his wife had a major depression issue. They fought all the time because they were both so grumpy. He was in such despair over the relationship he sought comfort outside of the relationship but now regrets it. He thinks about it every day and can’t forgive himself. Him and his wife are now on anti-depressants and going to counseling and their relationship has really improved. They actually get along really well now. They have two beautiful children and a good life together. She told him if he ever cheated she would divorce him. Even if she didn’t divorce him she has major major trust issues because of her father and would never trust him again. I am sure their sex life will be non-existent if he tells her because she had a boy friend that used her sexually and she is very sensitive about sharing her body and feels used very easily. She is cautious to say the least.



Is he morally obligated to tell her? Wont they both be better off if he forgets it ever happened? Is there any thing in the bible that would make him obligated to tell her?

 

[seebs]

Honestly... I don't think you can make it through counseling without dealing with something like that. I guess the thing to do would be to get her to promise to stick it out for at least a few months.

 

[Blackmarch]

If he doesn't ever tell her, it will eat him away.

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

The thing about lies is that they perpetuate a vicious cycle of lying. One lie turns into two, then three, and then pretty soon you can't remember how you covered your tracks and what you've lied about. How can a marriage survive if they can't even be honest? Yes, the truth would hurt tremendously. He cheated on his wife! I agree with Seebs. Something like this is bound to come out in the course of therapy.

 

[asher24]

thanks for the advice. I will pass it along. I know ultimately there are a few good answers and he will have to way the pros and cons and see what he can live with.

 

[Clem is Me]

Honesty is always the best policy. One way or another the lie will kill whatever they think they have. WHich isn't all that much it seems.

 

[Buzz Dixon]

Is he morally obligated to tell her? Wont they both be better off if he forgets it ever happened? Is there any thing in the bible that would make him obligated to tell her?

Assuming he is physically healthy and not carrying any diseases...
Assuming he has truly and genuinely repented of these sins...
Assuming there are no offspring waiting to make their appearance...
Assuming there is no chance of the women in question contacting him or his wife...

He would be better off keeping his mouth shut. Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step program requires people to confess their wrongdoing and make restitution to those they've hurt except where doing so would cause more harm than good.

I'd say the situation sounds like the wife is getting better and her life is improving, she could conceivably live in ignorance of this forever.

Mind you, he has done a terrible, terrible thing and it should eat away at him for the rest of his life so he will treat his wife with more respect, honor, and love in the futurte.

But why should he stop suffering for his sin if confessing just moves the suffering to another person?

 

[seebs]

Shared pain is lessened, shared joy increased.

Furthermore, this eating away may make him less able to honestly share with his wife. I do not believe that marriage can exist only as a matter of appearances; I believe that a fundamental disconnect can prevent people from relating fully.

Why should he deny his wife the chance to relate to him in full, and in truth?

 

[elanor]

Mind you, he has done a terrible, terrible thing and it should eat away at him for the rest of his life so he will treat his wife with more respect, honor, and love in the futurte.

But why should he stop suffering for his sin if confessing just moves the suffering to another person?

I don't believe it is God's desire that the sins of our past eat away at us for the rest of our lives. Forgiveness, grace, and renewal are God's way--not lifelong punishment and suffering. Suffering and condemnation won't make this man treat his wife with respect, honor, and love. Forgiveness and a changed heart will do that.

 

[Madcoil]

Doesn't look like he had any moral qualms with swinging it around outside his marriage. Why should he feel any qualms about screwing his wife over again if he's already done it once before? (Or three times, as you said.)
Oh, wait, I know. Because this time the result of him breaking the invisible moral wall won't result in him having an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Instead he'll just live in fear of her finding out some day.

 

[Ave Maria]

I'd have to say that honesty is the best policy. Not only will the guilt eat away at him as long as he doesn't confess but she might find out from some other source what happened. You never know.

 

[Clem is Me]

Perhaps the more important question than whether he should lie is why their relationship is so fragile in the first place? What was he doing in a permanent relationship at all?

 

[Buzz Dixon]

Perhaps the more important question than whether he should lie is why their relationship is so fragile in the first place? What was he doing in a permanent relationship at all?

That's an excellent point.

My reluctance to urge him to confess hinges on his wife and family being in no danger from his past behavior coming back to haunt them in any shape, fashion, or form. While the relationship may not have begun with a good foundation, the fact that the wife's mental and emotional health appears to have improved is a factor that needs to be taken into consideration; one shouldn't monkey with that lightly as it could conceivably do lasting long term damage.

Also, there are two children involved. Their right to a stable. loving family environment supercedes dad's right to feel less like a bozologist by confessing to his wife and unburdening his guilt on her, thus putting the family through an emotional wringer for no other purpose than dad doesn't want to bear the burden of his guilt.

Christ accepted all our sins and bears our guilt and shame away. If dad is genuinely repentant, and if there is no potential harm waiting to befall his wife and family, he really needs to think long and hard about sharing this information.

 

[Clem is Me]

I have found in my own life that by covering up the weakness you simply delay and compound the pain. The kids will find out, as will the wife. The husband will never be the kind of person he could be with this event weighing on his mind. The kids and wife will suffer regardless. The whole mess is simply unavoidable. The only possible hope for this joke of a relationship is for the guy to come clean and get help, probably the wife too, as few men or women cheat in a vacuum. This way the chjildren will at least see an honorable action and an attempt to make things right instead of lies, deciet and guilt. They will be the stronger for it.