Adult Sibling Rivalry

[katautumn]

I am the eldest of three children. I have a younger sister and a younger brother. Our brother is the youngest and, obviously, the only boy. He is nearly eleven years younger than I am. Being the only boy and the baby, he was far more spoiled than my sister and I were. Compounding that was the fact that when my sister and I were born our parents were poor, but my dad had worked his way up to a well paying management position by the time my brother was born. He was lavished with every expensive gift. My mother never pushed him to do anything. When I asked her once why she didn't make him read books at his own leisure she said, "well, he just doesn't enjoy reading. I'm not going to force it". Meanwhile academic excellence was expected of my sister and I.

We were also required to get part-time jobs at sixteen. No job, no extras. My brother is almost twenty, still lives at home for free and any time someone asks my mom when he will get a job she gets mad and says, "whenever he feels like. You should stop attacking his manhood by making him feel bad about not working!" Adding insult to injury - despite my dad currently being unemployed and having no steady income, my mom gives my brother some asinine amount of money every month to play with. Usually he buys his girlfriend stuff. On top of that, any time we go somewhere she slips him a twenty dollar bill. It gets ridiculous.

It has reached a point where not only has she put him on some sort of special pedestal, he has put her on one. While that's great for their relationship, he tends to cop attitude (almost an arrogance) with my sister and I. We are a very teasing sort of family, but he can't ever take a joke. My sister once made a crack about the fact that he has about a dozen flashlights. She said, "I like your flashlight hoard". His reply (in a nasty tone) was, "you'll be thanking me if you ever need a flashlight" and stormed off in a huff. When my sister and I casually brought this up to our mother she bawled us out for, "constantly berating" him and said it's no wonder he gives us attitude, because "we're too jealous of him to give him respect".

Okay, so perhaps we grew up a tad jealous of our brother. Our mother openly admitting he was her favorite just adds fuel to the fire. The fact that the stupid double standard and permissive attitude my mother placed on him has carried over into adulthood has not only made it difficult for my sister and I to have a relationship with him, but has made things tense with our mother. We've tried respectfully approaching her about it. Her response is, "get over your jealousy. Perhaps if the two of you would get a clue you'd know why he's the favorite. Try acting like him sometime and I'd never bother you either". It's just stupid that at thirty, twenty-six and almost twenty this garbage is still going on. It's getting to the point of where I'm about to implode.

What should my sister and I do? I know jealousy and bitterness are not christlike attitudes, but gosh - my mother certainly hasn't done much to foster any sort of harmony in this relationship and there's no communicating with her about it.

 

[briareos]

I will pray for you, I don't know what I would do but I believe the Lord could work it out he could cause them to be at peace with you.

 

[katautumn]

Thank you so much for your prayers. Believe me, they mean a lot. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not the problem. I mean, my sister can say mean things, but walks away. My brother never confronts my mother about anything. I feel as if I've always been the target for correction, criticism and a higher level of expectations. My mother and I fight all the time. A lot of hurt feelings between us. It's not always about my brother. Sometimes it's about my marriage or my behaviors or how I handle my son. She always has something to say to me. Or I'll think I can confide something that's bothering me to her and she'll blast me for one reason or another.

But then I get really mean and I don't know what comes over me. Between a feeling of absolute disappointment in myself and feeling the need to defend myself against what my mother considers helpful, constructive criticism I end up saying really mean spirited things that I don't mean. We will have hellacious fights that end up with hurt feelings for days. I'll apologize, but then something will come up a few days later. I'm tired of always having to say I'm sorry. I'm thirty, my mother is fifty-one. At some point I'd like for us to be able to have a normal mother-daughter relationship. According to her if I were a better person who "knew how to keep her mouth shut" we could have it.

 

[seajoy]

You are expecting something that your mother is not capable of giving you. There was a time when I cut off contact with my parents for 4 years. They did not get to see my children either. My parents treat me much better now, and know there are loses at stake for not not acting in a kindly manner.

The bible says that parents are not to provoke their children to anger. A lot of parents do not take this seriously.

My sister is 10yrs younger than me. She was treated similarly to your brother. She is now 38, and has many problems and has gone through 2 divorces. Your brother is actually the loser here. He will never be able make it in the world. But you cannot change the parenting he has had.

You can respect your parents and still have distance. That might just be the Christian thing to do.

 

[briareos]

Kat,

Well whatever can be done, you are the one who seems to have realized the more important need and maybe you can place yourself under a little bit in order to raise your family up, take a fall in order to win their grace maybe? Ask the Lord to help you to not fight with your mom and ask the Lord to touch the hearts of your mother and brother, he can woo them into his will. Fighting is definitly destructive, the Lord can help you stop that and help you love, a love that is not provoked as 1 Cor 13 talks about.

Praying for you.

 

[briareos]

I remember I use to fight with my dad alot as a teenager in my late teen years, our last fight I decided to move out, he didn't want me to move out becuase he cared for me didn't want me to struggle... I moved out and we never fought again. The distance made us appreciate each other.

 

[suzybeezy]

I am in a unique position to address this as I am the spoiled baby of my family. And while I can't answer for your family, I can say that in my family there's serious issues with envy that occur. There's no question that I'm my parents favorite. That's not my fault. I'm the nicest one, I help them, I spend time with them, we get along real good, I did things in my life that brought them pride etc. Whereas my siblings were pains, giving my parents alot of grief and causing them alot of frustrations.

My eldest sister use to struggle the most and really would get mad about how spoiled I was, and was so mad at my parents for not treated her the same way. But as you, she was born during a time they were much poorer and with me, they had more money. Plus during her younger years there were 4 of us, and when I was a kid it was just me. She and I spoke, she was very open and finally understands that and that alot of the issues were because of the aggravation she caused my parents. I told her instead of making demands on my parents to try just spending time with them. She started doing that, going to their house to watch football, or going to church with them, etc. and they're relationship has gotten much better. Whereas my other sister, well she's remained bitter and she has no relationship with my parents to this day. She will regret this when they're gone, because then it will be too late.

I hope you're able to find some resolution with your situation.

 

[WilliamB]

Brother...You really seem to be missing the point of what your mother is telling you. Why don't you try dropping the jealousy and start putting his needs and your parents needs before your own? I know you think he has more than enough and should be doing more but how is that any of your business. Your parents are old enough to make decisions for themselves so why don't you trust their decisions and respect their wishes.

Try showing up with an unexpected gift for your brother. Maybe another flashlight. You've made it clear he doesn't need it, but it isn't about you. You're the oldest. It's up to you to set an example of righteousness through your actions. This is what Christ wants, for you to be selfless not selfish. Be more concerned about him, not about your own feelings. Give it a try for a month but genuinely from the heart and watch the the power of God work his miracles.

God Bless!

 

[Maremma]

Where does your father stand on this whole mess?

If you are unable to let go of the envy and jealousy even when you keep praying diligently for the Lord to help you remove it from yourself, it may be best for you to just walk away and focus on your own immediate family and personal relationship with the Lord instead. Stop setting yourself up for failure so to speak.

Mathew 18:9
And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.

Mathew 5:22
But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

I understand how difficult it is to have a mother that babies a sibling and demands more and more and more of you. I understand the whole sordid mess. I have been there. (although I did not react the same way you are to the same situation)

On the rare occasion I could not remain completely walking in love I walked away and prayed for the Lord to help me quickly forgive my mother.(or sister for that matter if she was particularly nasty to me) I did not return to her home until I was sure I would not be able to be provoked to sin.