Adult Orphans

[heirmiles]

(warning: triggers)

Hi, I'm an adult orphan,

what I mean is that both my parents have passed away. My Mom died 20 years ago, and my Dad 10 years ago.

To be honest I still miss them. And I still love them. It is hard to express all that they meant to me. All that they helped me through, and how alone I have felt in grieving for them.

They were both really good people. My Mom died suddenly from an enlarged heart, and my Dad slowly from Cancer. Both had a fierce love for life.

Once my Mom passed away, it became harder and harder to go to church. Everyone seemed so happy in their own lives, and I was treated as a "downer", unnecessary and unwanted. Any mention of my hurt was treated with criticism. One person asked me why I would leave such 'wonderful support'. How could I say that their 'support' was neither wonderful nor supportive.

I know the idea of being an 'Adult Orphan' is not the same as growing up as an orphan, but sometimes I really realize that God and my brother, are all I have in this world. It's not that life is without its blessings, but I've learned to not trust anyone within 'church' with my own 'stuff'. I get the idea that talking about God is a lot safer than talking about me.

I guess I need a place where I can talk about my 'stuff' as well. It's just that my luggage is a little heavy right now, and I need to rest from carrying it.

Blessings.

 

[power2theweak]

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry to hear that you've lost both of your parents. I lost my mom three years ago, and my dad last month.

May God comfort us.

 

[RuthD]

I too am sorry to hear you are an orphan. I am, too. Lost mom 9 years ago and dad 6 years ago. Best wishes to you for peace and comfort.

 

[Spunkn]

Ugh. I get angry when people go to church / Christians for help and they're met with criticism. That is not to say there isn't times when we should speak the truth in love but there is a proper time and a proper place for that. Someone who's hurting because they lost their parents should be welcomed and loved.

Please know that God loves you, and you do have family in other Christians and most of us will try not to be judgemental but loving and supportive. We won't think of you as a "downer" but just someone who needs some comfort. Something we are to provide for one another in times of need.

Hopefully you are encouraged in some way by your coming to this forum.

God bless

 

[KWCrazy]

I lost my dad at 42 and my mom at 53. I still miss them both. When my dad died I was 19. Like many others, we didn't get along very well then. When Mom died I was 31. It helps to know that even though parents and friends my pass away, your true Father will be around forever. When you need someone to talk with, He's always there. You might not always hear Him, but He always hears you.

 

[heirmiles]

Thanks guys for your support. I appreciate your comments and warm reception. I'm not sure whether I was struggling from present 'stressors' or that it is the second saddest day of the year (apparently in BC, the worst day of the year for people is the 21st of January or thereabouts-- maybe because that was also a Monday along with the winter clouds and non-stop rain). We've been fogged in all day today where I live, and it never really feels like day-time when it gets this thick.
I wonder if other people have grief groups they can go to, I haven't found one where I live, and yes preferably one run by a church group, where we can share and pray together. It would be nice.

thanks again, guys. Blessings.

 

[heirmiles]

I guess its because for me I can go months having adjusted to their loss, but then for some reason my thoughts come back to them, and I think, I really wish I could talk with Dad right now, or I want to go visit Mom, and I simply know that I can't. Do I just remind myself 'not to go there' anymore, and pretend I didn't have those feelings or thoughts, and distract myself so I 'forget about it'? I know its okay to let God know that I miss them, and I have done so many times. And yet I miss their outlook on life, their encouragements, and their safe 'third-perspective'. That in some way I was in their 'priorities' of well-being. That they wanted me well and healthy, enjoying life, and living in a meaningful way. That they were there for me to guide me toward a satisfying life. I do miss them, regardless of why, and I do still love them very deeply even though they are not here to see it.

 

[Spunkn]

Thoughts of your parents will probably always come back to you. I think if you're dwelling on it for more than a few days at a time, and it's begun to affect how you function, then you might need to seek out a counselor or someone who can help you with healing it. But to have times where something reminds you of your parents and miss them. I don't think that's unhealthy or not normal. It is probably only something you should worry about if it seems to last for days or weeks.

 

[heirmiles]

I think being an Adult Orphan can also stretch our faith in that we can become even more dependent on the Lord. We carry the memory of our parents with us including their love and care, and those memories can be memories of joy and happiness as well. Even though they are gone we can still honour them in our hearts and thoughts, and share their stories as a part of our own heritage of who we are as people.

I'm sorry to hear that there are others who are Adult Orphans as well, and some recently so, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Blessings.

 

[raven1]

I am sorry for your loss guys. hugs and prayers

 

[RuthD]

How are you doing these days?

 

[heirmiles]

Good, bad, and a little ugly

The good:

My brother just got back from Phoenix last weekend. He had a three week holiday down there. He sent me some pictures of some of the aeronautical museums last night (he is really into planes, before his trip we looked at the jet graveyard in Tucson through Google maps, about forty different jets were put together, and he knew the names of all but one and also what era and what war they were deployed on, Korea, Vietnam, Cold War, etc. ). So we talked a bit on skype.

I'm focusing more on my studies again, it seems to come in waves (Bible, Commentaries, and Books). I'm not working right now, so it helps me fill in the time. I'm also beginning to write creatively again which is nice.

The Bad:

The last couple of weeks I haven't really been focusing on my Mom and Dad, though I still miss them, even the lack of balanced meals, since I'm not into cooking for myself much.

The Ugly:

I'm doing a little amount of cleaning every other day or so (self-confessed hoarder), and just a little distressed about not being able to focus for longer than ten or fifteen minutes at a time.

What I do about it:

One thing I like about CF is that it helps me "get out of myself", reading about what's going on in other people's lives and what they think about all sorts of things. Since my focus/attention span is so short, I'm doing lots of little things to at least have a sense of having accomplished something at the end of the day.

Today I typed Deuteronomy 29 and the Wycliffe Bible Commentary's comment on that chapter into a text file. This is only for personal use, but my hope is over the next several years to have compiled a number of commentaries arranged according to scripture reference so I can compare for further study. I'm finding it is a much slower process than I expected, but I started at Genesis and have almost completed the Pentateuch. I'm using the NKJV as my Translation of choice for this project.

Sorry, I'm starting to ramble.....

Thanks for asking Ruth.

 

[opengate07]

I lost my Dad back in 1980 and I will never forget that day. It feels like just yesterday that he was taken. It is said that losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to a parent which is true. My wife lost 2 of her three daughters and no matter how many years go by the pain remains the same. With that said loosing ones' parent or even worse parents can leave an everlasting emptiness in the heart. The one positive thing is that those belong to GOD are never orphans.
No Orphans of God - YouTube