It seems to be a fairly common theme that older singles are not always accepted into Christian Churches (see the thread in the main forum). In the spirit of lighting a candle, rather than cursing the darkness, has anyone done something that has caused churches to more readily accept you? What can a mature single do?
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Acceptance as a Single-What Works?
- Thread starter OhhJim
- Start date
The "just do it" method has worked pretty well for me. Join the choir, sign up for the prayer room, pitch in at the food pantry, show up at the potluck with a tray of deviled eggs - it sends a message that even though I don't have a family of my own I am fully committed to being a member of my church family, and willing to participate even in events that aren't custom-designed just for me. I mentioned in an earlier post that my church seems to be more accepting of singles than most, so this approach might not work in every church, but it can't hurt to try.
I should add that I'm an introvert who doesn't usually take much initiative in other areas of life. It has been hard for me to reach out like this year after year - I sometimes feel as if I'm coming to the end of my ability to walk into events alone and find a place. Sometimes when parents pick up their kids at the end of the children's ministry I'm involved in I get a little pang of wistfulness - many of these parents are my former classmates, and their kids are the ages my kids would be now if my life had gone as I'd planned. It was somehow easier when I was younger - maybe I had more single friends at that time.
But I make myself reach out because it's important to take part in the life of the church, and I think God might be trying to grow me beyond my comfort zone. I don't think there's any way for my church to make it easier for me. I certainly wouldn't want a special "singles" table set up at potlucks or anything like that- can you imagine?
I don't know what I'd do if my church focused all its activities on families and couples. I might go to someone in leadership and point out that singles were getting left out in the cold a lot - could there perhaps be just one Bible study on next season's roster that could be for people in general, not just married couples? Or I might try, with support from the leadership, to start up a new activity. We are the church, so when I hear someone say "The church should ... " I tend to think "No, YOU should ... "
I should add that I'm an introvert who doesn't usually take much initiative in other areas of life. It has been hard for me to reach out like this year after year - I sometimes feel as if I'm coming to the end of my ability to walk into events alone and find a place. Sometimes when parents pick up their kids at the end of the children's ministry I'm involved in I get a little pang of wistfulness - many of these parents are my former classmates, and their kids are the ages my kids would be now if my life had gone as I'd planned. It was somehow easier when I was younger - maybe I had more single friends at that time.
But I make myself reach out because it's important to take part in the life of the church, and I think God might be trying to grow me beyond my comfort zone. I don't think there's any way for my church to make it easier for me. I certainly wouldn't want a special "singles" table set up at potlucks or anything like that- can you imagine? I don't know what I'd do if my church focused all its activities on families and couples. I might go to someone in leadership and point out that singles were getting left out in the cold a lot - could there perhaps be just one Bible study on next season's roster that could be for people in general, not just married couples? Or I might try, with support from the leadership, to start up a new activity. We are the church, so when I hear someone say "The church should ... " I tend to think "No, YOU should ... "
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J
Jenster
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Awright, another new thread! to OhhJim!
I'm lucky in that I started going to my church when most of us singles were still in the "younger" category -- and we've grown older together. Sure, many have gotten married, but there are still a good dozen or more of us who haven't.
If that *weren't* the case, though, I'd do one of two things: Either start going to another church, preferably a big one with a large "mature singles" ministry; or stay at my church but go to another church's "mature singles" fellowship.
There are other options, but they'd take energy.
I mean, with the idea of gathering multiple churches' older singles together, one could ask the pastors to put you in touch with other pastors in your denomination (or outside it), who could put you in touch with the older singles at their churches. Together, you could host a barbeque or potluck, and hopefully that would lead to other events.
Or, to integrate with the families in one's church, you could express interest to a pastor or elder in spending time with a few families. (My church has tried something like that.) Or there's always the idea of spending time with your own gender -- men's or women's ministry.
I agree it's tough to be an older single. I didn't read the thread in the main forum, so I don't know all the reasons given for churches not being accepting. But when I was younger I had to switch churches because there were so few 20-something singles at my church. It's not like the church didn't care; they just didn't have much power to attract young single people. So I have no problem with the notion of switching churches in order to have more fellowship.
to OhhJim! I'm lucky in that I started going to my church when most of us singles were still in the "younger" category -- and we've grown older together. Sure, many have gotten married, but there are still a good dozen or more of us who haven't.
If that *weren't* the case, though, I'd do one of two things: Either start going to another church, preferably a big one with a large "mature singles" ministry; or stay at my church but go to another church's "mature singles" fellowship.
There are other options, but they'd take energy.
I mean, with the idea of gathering multiple churches' older singles together, one could ask the pastors to put you in touch with other pastors in your denomination (or outside it), who could put you in touch with the older singles at their churches. Together, you could host a barbeque or potluck, and hopefully that would lead to other events.
Or, to integrate with the families in one's church, you could express interest to a pastor or elder in spending time with a few families. (My church has tried something like that.) Or there's always the idea of spending time with your own gender -- men's or women's ministry.
I agree it's tough to be an older single. I didn't read the thread in the main forum, so I don't know all the reasons given for churches not being accepting. But when I was younger I had to switch churches because there were so few 20-something singles at my church. It's not like the church didn't care; they just didn't have much power to attract young single people. So I have no problem with the notion of switching churches in order to have more fellowship.
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bithiah2
Jah is my strength and song!
OhhJim said:
i believe it all depends on your own personality and relationship with God, as well as the spirit that is in the church. if the people in the church are well-balanced, then they will accept anyone who God sends to them. the most important thing is acceptance of yourself, when you do that, whoever does not accept you says more about them, than of you. i was told a long time ago to: Go where you are celebrated, not just tolerated...so i feel that this adage applies here.
and, if you are a happy, interesting person, and being led by God, whereever you go there will be people who will accept you for who you are, and what you have to offer, and the ones who don't, well pray for them and shake the dust off of your feet.
blessings
bithiah2
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mwb said:
Heh, my limited experience with Catholic churches suggests that there is some truth to this! Granted, it's a small database, but I would conclude that Catholic churches are, indeed, more friendly than conservative Protestant ones.
Alas, there's that theology thing...
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Irascible
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That's about the best thing we can do. Generally speaking the advice people give regarding the older single's plot in the church has to do with what other people need to do. Such advice may be valid. But we have little power to make them do it.Princess Pea said:
Or they can become a Unitarian. They accept everyone and everything.mwb said:
That would be incredible. I just wish pastors weren't so provincial. You can't often get one church to openly advertise for another because they fear losing membership.Jenster said:
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