This past January I filed for divorce from my husband of 9 years. My husband was verbally abusive to my sons and me during the entire relationship, and towards the end, the abuse began to escalate. He didn't hit me, but would bump me, put his fist through doors, block my exit, or posture at me with his chest sticking out in a fighting stance.
Even though I was abused, I never considered myself a victim because I fought not with my strength but with the strength of our Creator. Five minutes after an attack, I honestly could not repeat what was said to me because I never allowed the words to enter my heart...or so I thought (Words do so much damage even when we think they don't).
I respected my sons enough to be honest with them about the abusiveness in our lives. I never bad-mouthed my husband, but I did explain to my sons that this is not the way it's supposed to be. I was honest with my ex as well by naming the abuse for what it was. I set boundaries and acted upon them, and I sought counseling through our church, and medical insurance. But despite the effort, prayers, tears, begging, deal making, compromise etc etc, the abuse became worse, and my preteen sons' behavior started to become violent as well.
My husband started doing drugs, and began to molest me while I slept then deny the behavior. He video taped me while I was changing, or woke me up in the middle of the night to vent his rage at me for being such a horrible (in his eyes) wife and human being. After every incident, he denied the behavior in an attempt to make me doubt my experience and my feelings. He became more overtly and passively aggressive, but despite the increasing abuse I waited for the miracle I believed God had for us. God always has a miracle for us; it's just not always the miracle we expect.
Over the years, my prayers for God's help changed as follows:
They began, "God, please make me a better wife so he'll love me"
to "God, please make me a better wife so he'll respect me"
to "God, please make me a better wife so he'll like me"
to "God, please make me a better wife so he'll be nice to me"
to "God, please don't let me feel anything so I can give him what he wants so he won't be angry anymore"
I continuously asked God to reveal my faults to me so I could change, and God did, but the change came in a way I didn't expect. I believed our marriage would be restored, and I spent years seeking wisdom. I read every book I could get my hands on. I spoke to my pastor, my friends at church and did anything and everything I could think of to get the help we needed, but I finally realized the answer I prayed for was the realization that getting out was my only option (by the way, it took me almost two years to leave after the answer came, but more on that another time).
The point of this story is that there are no easy answers to divorce in an abusive situation. Sometimes God will keep us in an abusive marriage, and sometimes he won't, but it's all for His purpose. I suffered greatly during the marriage, but I deluded myself into thinking I was earning "pennies in heaven" for being stoic despite my circumstances. After all, wasn't I the martyr?
I had to learn many painful lessons and I still have many more to learn, I'm sure, but I want to offer 6 points of hope to those of you who are still wondering what the right answer for you is.
1. Although I never did anything to deserve being abused, I did contribute to the abuse I received by provoking him during the build up phase to the abusive phase in order to return to the honeymoon phase. It is too easy to look past our log and concentrate on someone else's speck - so please be cautious.
2. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Example, if you punch me in the nose and break it, but immediately repent, I am obligated to forgive you. But forgiving you does not instantaneously heal the broken bone. The broken bone needs time to heal, just as reconciliation takes time. Just as some bones never really heal, sometimes we can never really reconcile.
3. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Read Mathew 18 - the person who has been wronged is to identify the wrong doing to the guilty party so that person can know what he/she has done and therefore repent if they choose to do so. Forgive - don't forget. When we forget, we allow put ourselves in a position to be hurt again. We are to be good a steward of all God has given us, and that means more than money and possessions. We are to guard our hearts because they belong to God'.
4. If you confront a wrongdoing and a person chooses not to repent - forgive them anyway! Forgiving someone is about freeing ourselves to be used for God's glory. We are in no way condoning the behavior. Rather we are not giving the devil a foothold by holding on to something that can cause us to be bitter.
5. No amount of suffering can turn disobedience into obedience. This, courtesy of a book called "This Isn't the Life I Signed Up for" by Donna Partow was an "aha" moment for me. If I was disobedient by not heeding God's word to not marry my ex in the first place, then no suffering on my part in that marriage will change that disobedience. I am not saying God wouldn't bless the marriage, but I know that if I had I heeded God's caution; I would not have suffered as I did. I suffered not because I was a martyr for God, but because I chose to do it my way, not God's way.
6. Healing takes a great deal of time. In the eight months since I filed for divorce, I have started to rediscover my feelings. As each the layer is peeled back, I have to feel the pain and allow God to heal the wound so I can truly be free in Christ. The overriding feeling I experience is rage that bubbles up so thick in my throat I sometimes have a hard time swallowing. It's okay to be angry! I didn't deserve what I got, but I got what I did because I chose to do it my way. God will glorify my experience for His purpose, and I will be better for it, but I was as much a participant as a victim.
These are hard words, but we all have to own the choices we make that put us where we are. With God's help and only with God's strength can those poor choices be turned around for God's greater glory.
In Him,
Curly
Even though I was abused, I never considered myself a victim because I fought not with my strength but with the strength of our Creator. Five minutes after an attack, I honestly could not repeat what was said to me because I never allowed the words to enter my heart...or so I thought (Words do so much damage even when we think they don't).
I respected my sons enough to be honest with them about the abusiveness in our lives. I never bad-mouthed my husband, but I did explain to my sons that this is not the way it's supposed to be. I was honest with my ex as well by naming the abuse for what it was. I set boundaries and acted upon them, and I sought counseling through our church, and medical insurance. But despite the effort, prayers, tears, begging, deal making, compromise etc etc, the abuse became worse, and my preteen sons' behavior started to become violent as well.
My husband started doing drugs, and began to molest me while I slept then deny the behavior. He video taped me while I was changing, or woke me up in the middle of the night to vent his rage at me for being such a horrible (in his eyes) wife and human being. After every incident, he denied the behavior in an attempt to make me doubt my experience and my feelings. He became more overtly and passively aggressive, but despite the increasing abuse I waited for the miracle I believed God had for us. God always has a miracle for us; it's just not always the miracle we expect.
Over the years, my prayers for God's help changed as follows:
They began, "God, please make me a better wife so he'll love me"
to "God, please make me a better wife so he'll respect me"
to "God, please make me a better wife so he'll like me"
to "God, please make me a better wife so he'll be nice to me"
to "God, please don't let me feel anything so I can give him what he wants so he won't be angry anymore"
I continuously asked God to reveal my faults to me so I could change, and God did, but the change came in a way I didn't expect. I believed our marriage would be restored, and I spent years seeking wisdom. I read every book I could get my hands on. I spoke to my pastor, my friends at church and did anything and everything I could think of to get the help we needed, but I finally realized the answer I prayed for was the realization that getting out was my only option (by the way, it took me almost two years to leave after the answer came, but more on that another time).
The point of this story is that there are no easy answers to divorce in an abusive situation. Sometimes God will keep us in an abusive marriage, and sometimes he won't, but it's all for His purpose. I suffered greatly during the marriage, but I deluded myself into thinking I was earning "pennies in heaven" for being stoic despite my circumstances. After all, wasn't I the martyr?
I had to learn many painful lessons and I still have many more to learn, I'm sure, but I want to offer 6 points of hope to those of you who are still wondering what the right answer for you is.
1. Although I never did anything to deserve being abused, I did contribute to the abuse I received by provoking him during the build up phase to the abusive phase in order to return to the honeymoon phase. It is too easy to look past our log and concentrate on someone else's speck - so please be cautious.
2. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Example, if you punch me in the nose and break it, but immediately repent, I am obligated to forgive you. But forgiving you does not instantaneously heal the broken bone. The broken bone needs time to heal, just as reconciliation takes time. Just as some bones never really heal, sometimes we can never really reconcile.
3. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Read Mathew 18 - the person who has been wronged is to identify the wrong doing to the guilty party so that person can know what he/she has done and therefore repent if they choose to do so. Forgive - don't forget. When we forget, we allow put ourselves in a position to be hurt again. We are to be good a steward of all God has given us, and that means more than money and possessions. We are to guard our hearts because they belong to God'.
4. If you confront a wrongdoing and a person chooses not to repent - forgive them anyway! Forgiving someone is about freeing ourselves to be used for God's glory. We are in no way condoning the behavior. Rather we are not giving the devil a foothold by holding on to something that can cause us to be bitter.
5. No amount of suffering can turn disobedience into obedience. This, courtesy of a book called "This Isn't the Life I Signed Up for" by Donna Partow was an "aha" moment for me. If I was disobedient by not heeding God's word to not marry my ex in the first place, then no suffering on my part in that marriage will change that disobedience. I am not saying God wouldn't bless the marriage, but I know that if I had I heeded God's caution; I would not have suffered as I did. I suffered not because I was a martyr for God, but because I chose to do it my way, not God's way.
6. Healing takes a great deal of time. In the eight months since I filed for divorce, I have started to rediscover my feelings. As each the layer is peeled back, I have to feel the pain and allow God to heal the wound so I can truly be free in Christ. The overriding feeling I experience is rage that bubbles up so thick in my throat I sometimes have a hard time swallowing. It's okay to be angry! I didn't deserve what I got, but I got what I did because I chose to do it my way. God will glorify my experience for His purpose, and I will be better for it, but I was as much a participant as a victim.
These are hard words, but we all have to own the choices we make that put us where we are. With God's help and only with God's strength can those poor choices be turned around for God's greater glory.
In Him,
Curly
