About me
My name is Rick. I was diagnosed 5yrs. ago w/BPII. I was 48 yrs old at the time. BP came on rapid and intense. I spent the first 3 ½ yrs in crisis, finally becoming suicidal and requiring hospitalization. Many of my day to day particulars can be read in my Its Hard thread. There has of course been much more, but the day I wrote that it seemed to suffice at the time. As a younger person I was an indestructible adrenalin junkie. Now they tell me hypo-manic is a better fit. I had always had the ho-hums, or the blues a few times a year lasting from a day to a week or so. Now they tell me mild depression is a better fit.
My wife and I were what has been referred to as a very visible presence in our church. I basically have done everything there but mothers group. At our home I hosted ping-pong, pizza, and prayer for the men 1st Fris for about 7 yrs, and 1st Sats. for about 5yrs for upper teens. We were very involved in a marriage enrichment nationwide ministry. I was in the band. I helped plant 3 churches, lead worship, preached, did marriage seminars. We have housed families in our home. Had a child born in our family room. We also housed some singles, sheltered battered women, counseled. So when I say weve done everything, we have. About 30 yrs. worth.
I also was part of the mentoring program in the middle school it town, and was to be the director of a community center.
I was part of an accountability group I initiated here at my house for a few yrs. Just some guys dedicated to each other, and holding each others feet to the fire specifically regarding family. I knew they had my back. I loved these guys more than my biological brothers I think.
Then of course the bi-polar express came to town and aggressively so. Those that had my back seemed to vanish. This was the worst thing Id ever experienced and with 1 exception, they were gone.
I was so symptomatic that among other things, I found going to church all but impossible. Discussing this with my shrink, her advice was if you cant actually go inside (due to crowd and noise anxiety) then go and sit in the parking lot during service with your bible until you can go back inside.
I did eventually find my way back in after months of trying in vain. God though seemed to have gone dark on me. Passages such as the following took on new significance to me;
He has driven me away and made me walk
in darkness rather than light;
3 indeed, he has turned his hand against me
again and again, all day long.
4 He has made my skin and my flesh grow old
and has broken my bones.
5 He has besieged me and surrounded me
with bitterness and hardship.
6 He has made me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
7 He has walled me in so I cannot escape;
he has weighed me down with chains.
8 Even when I call out or cry for help,
he shuts out my prayer.
9 He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
he has made my paths crooked.
10 Like a bear lying in wait,
like a lion in hiding,
11 he dragged me from the path and mangled me
and left me without help.
12 He drew his bow
and made me the target for his arrows.
13 He pierced my heart
with arrows from his quiver.
14 I became the laughingstock of all my people;
they mock me in song all day long.
15 He has filled me with bitter herbs
and sated me with gall.
16 He has broken my teeth with gravel;
he has trampled me in the dust.
17 I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is.
18 So I say, "My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the LORD." Lam 3:2-18 (NIV)
I eventually gave up doing anything. The last to go, and the hardest for me were the kids. My entire life thus far has been about people, and yet now I find myself unwilling to connect with anyone but the one friend who stayed with me. Rejection has been a part of my life since I was about 5yrs old beginning with my parents and I have always been able to suck it up and move on. Somehow I am no longer able to do so.
The thing I hate most about BP is what my wife has had to see and endure. She deserves so much better than this.
Im not about pity, so please dont. Like you, these are the cards Ive been dealt and Im trying to play them the best I can at any given moment. So thats the readers digest version of my experience.
Rick
Sometimes the light's all shining on me.
Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me,
What a long strange trip it's been.
My name is Rick. I was diagnosed 5yrs. ago w/BPII. I was 48 yrs old at the time. BP came on rapid and intense. I spent the first 3 ½ yrs in crisis, finally becoming suicidal and requiring hospitalization. Many of my day to day particulars can be read in my Its Hard thread. There has of course been much more, but the day I wrote that it seemed to suffice at the time. As a younger person I was an indestructible adrenalin junkie. Now they tell me hypo-manic is a better fit. I had always had the ho-hums, or the blues a few times a year lasting from a day to a week or so. Now they tell me mild depression is a better fit.
My wife and I were what has been referred to as a very visible presence in our church. I basically have done everything there but mothers group. At our home I hosted ping-pong, pizza, and prayer for the men 1st Fris for about 7 yrs, and 1st Sats. for about 5yrs for upper teens. We were very involved in a marriage enrichment nationwide ministry. I was in the band. I helped plant 3 churches, lead worship, preached, did marriage seminars. We have housed families in our home. Had a child born in our family room. We also housed some singles, sheltered battered women, counseled. So when I say weve done everything, we have. About 30 yrs. worth.
I also was part of the mentoring program in the middle school it town, and was to be the director of a community center.
I was part of an accountability group I initiated here at my house for a few yrs. Just some guys dedicated to each other, and holding each others feet to the fire specifically regarding family. I knew they had my back. I loved these guys more than my biological brothers I think.
Then of course the bi-polar express came to town and aggressively so. Those that had my back seemed to vanish. This was the worst thing Id ever experienced and with 1 exception, they were gone.
I was so symptomatic that among other things, I found going to church all but impossible. Discussing this with my shrink, her advice was if you cant actually go inside (due to crowd and noise anxiety) then go and sit in the parking lot during service with your bible until you can go back inside.
I did eventually find my way back in after months of trying in vain. God though seemed to have gone dark on me. Passages such as the following took on new significance to me;
He has driven me away and made me walk
in darkness rather than light;
3 indeed, he has turned his hand against me
again and again, all day long.
4 He has made my skin and my flesh grow old
and has broken my bones.
5 He has besieged me and surrounded me
with bitterness and hardship.
6 He has made me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
7 He has walled me in so I cannot escape;
he has weighed me down with chains.
8 Even when I call out or cry for help,
he shuts out my prayer.
9 He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
he has made my paths crooked.
10 Like a bear lying in wait,
like a lion in hiding,
11 he dragged me from the path and mangled me
and left me without help.
12 He drew his bow
and made me the target for his arrows.
13 He pierced my heart
with arrows from his quiver.
14 I became the laughingstock of all my people;
they mock me in song all day long.
15 He has filled me with bitter herbs
and sated me with gall.
16 He has broken my teeth with gravel;
he has trampled me in the dust.
17 I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is.
18 So I say, "My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the LORD." Lam 3:2-18 (NIV)
I eventually gave up doing anything. The last to go, and the hardest for me were the kids. My entire life thus far has been about people, and yet now I find myself unwilling to connect with anyone but the one friend who stayed with me. Rejection has been a part of my life since I was about 5yrs old beginning with my parents and I have always been able to suck it up and move on. Somehow I am no longer able to do so.
The thing I hate most about BP is what my wife has had to see and endure. She deserves so much better than this.
Im not about pity, so please dont. Like you, these are the cards Ive been dealt and Im trying to play them the best I can at any given moment. So thats the readers digest version of my experience.
Rick
Sometimes the light's all shining on me.
Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me,
What a long strange trip it's been.
