About mature men

[eatenbylocusts]

I'm wondering what the dating trends are currently with "real" Christian men in their 40's. What are you hearing, doing in dating relationships?

Reason for asking-Met a 47 yr old guy at a Christian dance who asked me to dance several times and then tried to procure a phone number exchange before I left. I didn't give one, but suggested we might see each other again if we both went to the lessons. We both attended lessons and most of the time a guy I was dating came also. As soon as I came by myself he jumped at the opportunity to get a bite after lessons and phone numbers were exchanged. He called a week later and we made plans for a movie. This has been going on about 5 months now. We've talked about our faith and families, but he has never asked or discussed relationship goals or asked if I was dating anyone. He has just recently started giving me a one-armed hug at the end of the evening.

Just wondering if there is a new movement, book, or popular teaching going around promoting this kind of dating among the mature folk, or are my concerns about another emotionally unavailable never-married man justified?

 

[RDouglas]

Dance lessons? I'd like to learn ballroom myself.

I can't speak for trends other than my own. My current trend is that I'm iffy on having a relationship because I'm hoping to move sometime in the next year.

A lot of guys don't discuss "goals". They prefer to just let stuff happen. With this type of guy it's unlikely he'll bring it up. He may discuss it if you bring it up, or he may get uncomfortable. Impossible to predict.

 

[Gimpy]

sounds like he is just taking it very slowly. Maybe he has had a bad experience in the past from trying to move faster and doesnt want to make the same mistake. Maybe he is unsure of your feelings and so is waiting for you to make a "move" or suggestion in the direction you wish to take the relationship

 

[OhhJim]

If he's 47 and never been married, there's a good chance he doesn't know what he's doing when it comes to relationships. Not saying he is evil, necessarily, just probably inexperienced.

 

[christcentered]

If he's 47 and never been married, there's a good chance he doesn't know what he's doing when it comes to relationships. Not saying he is evil, necessarily, just probably inexperienced.

Not necessarily evil? ....that's a joke, right??

Maybe he's known (but not 'been with') as many women as Wilt Chamberlain but not yet found someone he wants to marry. We all learn differently & having not been married doesn't preclude a person from being prepared to move forward when someone they want to spend their life with comes along. Hopefully.....this guy has learned something in his 47 years. Maybe he's really, really, really, really picky.

eatenbylocusts, what could it hurt to get to know him a little better? If ya wanna. If you're not feelin' it then fuggetaboutit.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Just to clarify-He has been in love before and was engaged about 10 years ago. I asked this because after my ex-bf broke up with me after speeding us along towards marriage I found out that that 45 yr.old had never even been in love.

 

[christcentered]

Does he know who he is? Comfortable & complete enough in his skin? I'd hope so at that age. If so, then most likely he's either not had any further desire to marry, the situation hasn't been right, or he's afraid/can't commit.

 

[Princess Pea]

I agree with other responders - not long ago, an over-40 man told me in so many words, more than once, that he thinks things should "just happen" in relationships. So maybe that's what your guy is doing, especially if he knew you were seeing someone else?

I'd also (respectfully!) argue that having never been in love by a certain age doesn't necessarily mean there's something abnormal about a person. If so, what would be the cutoff age? Is there something wrong with someone who hasn't fallen in love by, say, their 21st birthday? Of course not. What if they don't fall in love the day after their birthday? Or the day after that? Etc, etc, etc ... We all live our lives one day at a time, and I really think there are people out there who just have a whole lot of days go by before they meet the right person - and don't give their hearts away until they do.

This guy sounds interested at some level - although, if he's the one you've mentioned in other posts I'd be cautious about getting too carried away. I think in your shoes I'd continue to enjoy his company (assuming you do enjoy it!) while being very careful not to give more than he's giving. But you might mention that you've broken it off with the other guy, though, and just observe his reaction - both at the time you say it and in the time that follows ...

 

[PassionateOne]

Just to clarify-He has been in love before and was engaged about 10 years ago. I asked this because after my ex-bf broke up with me after speeding us along towards marriage I found out that that 45 yr.old had never even been in love.

elb,
I just want to say (even thou I'm not a man) be careful with guys that want to 'take things fast' in the begining. RL's need time to grow and it'll only be good if this guy takes it slow. I say, "hmmmmnnnn"!

 

[PassionateOne]

Does he know who he is? Comfortable & complete enough in his skin? I'd hope so at that age.

I just wanted to add, you can only go in the right direction if this guy is what CC has said. And I know from experience!

And to CC.....

 

[RDouglas]

One question: Is this about mature men, or older men?

There's a difference you know

 

[christcentered]

And to CC.....

 

[christcentered]

One question: Is this about mature men, or older men?

There's a difference you know

It's about older men who are mature but use to be immature who some times still act immature even though they try really hard to be mature as they get older and wrestle constantly with their age and maturity level.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I'd also (respectfully!) argue that having never been in love by a certain age doesn't necessarily mean there's something abnormal about a person. If so, what would be the cutoff age? Is there something wrong with someone who hasn't fallen in love by, say, their 21st birthday? Of course not. What if they don't fall in love the day after their birthday? Or the day after that? Etc, etc, etc ... We all live our lives one day at a time, and I really think there are people out there who just have a whole lot of days go by before they meet the right person - and don't give their hearts away until they do.

...

I also asked the ex-bf C (not to be confused with the newest ex-bf T) if he had ever had a crush on anyone and he wasn't sure. He was picked on in school and still deeply affected by his parents' divorce, so in his case I think it really was a red flag that I was oblivious to.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

One question: Is this about mature men, or older men?

There's a difference you know

You are correct. Some people never mature. I'm talking about mid 40's up.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

You know there's a whole lot of kissing and hugging going on in here and none of it is getting directed towards me. I could use some hugs right now.

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned that I should probably take a little time getting over the immature mature guy that I had to break up with a few days ago. I know this, but obviously I don't think things will progress too fast with this mature, mature man that I've been seeing.

 

[MN John]

I'm wondering what the dating trends are currently with "real" Christian men in their 40's. What are you hearing, doing in dating relationships?

Reason for asking-Met a 47 yr old guy at a Christian dance who asked me to dance several times and then tried to procure a phone number exchange before I left. I didn't give one, but suggested we might see each other again if we both went to the lessons. We both attended lessons and most of the time a guy I was dating came also. As soon as I came by myself he jumped at the opportunity to get a bite after lessons and phone numbers were exchanged. He called a week later and we made plans for a movie. This has been going on about 5 months now. We've talked about our faith and families, but he has never asked or discussed relationship goals or asked if I was dating anyone. He has just recently started giving me a one-armed hug at the end of the evening.

Just wondering if there is a new movement, book, or popular teaching going around promoting this kind of dating among the mature folk, or are my concerns about another emotionally unavailable never-married man justified?

Pam, You probably know me well enough to already know how I'm going to respond ... This should not be a mystery! You two should communicate openly and honestly. If you need a question answered, you need to ask it. Of course this goes for both of you, so he should be open enough that you don't have to guess, but if he isn't used to that, you may have to be the one to get the ball rolling. Yes, you could scare him away, but would you want to spend your life with someone who can't/won't express emotions or bring your relationship out into the open enough to give it the care and nuture it needs?

John

 

[christcentered]

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned that I should probably take a little time getting over the immature mature guy that I had to break up with a few days ago. I know this, but obviously I don't think things will progress too fast with this mature, mature man that I've been seeing.

Taking a break is purely personal. People get what they need at different rates. I spent 4.5 years alone after my marriage ended. And those were some wonderful years in my life.....although tough at times. Good miles on a long road which I cherish. I got what I needed though. He not only restored me but gave me what I needed to move forward and be a better person. I did a lot of asking, seeking and knocking....and was receptive to what He showed me.

There are no rules. You'll be ready to move on when you're ready. Ask God to search your heart and see where you stand.

 

[PassionateOne]

You know there's a whole lot of kissing and hugging going on in here and none of it is getting directed towards me. I could use some hugs right now.

for you honey!!

Yes, I also agree about spending the time healing over a breakup. After my divorce, I spent 2 1/2 years alone......I really wasn't sure if I ever wanted another man in my life? But, time moves on and you heal and you change your mind.

I wasn't going to post about taking time for yourself, right now, with the new guy because it doesn't seem like things will go too fast and you wouldn't have time to heal over this last one, it seems they would progress slowly, as any good RL should.

And here's another !

BTW, good post John!

 

[Princess Pea]

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned that I should probably take a little time getting over the immature mature guy that I had to break up with a few days ago. I know this, but obviously I don't think things will progress too fast with this mature, mature man that I've been seeing.

Well, if that's what you think you ought to do, then you're probably right. You know the situation best.