A very real reality........

[Warrior Poet]

Well I guess this post was nothing more then a "matter of time" type of thing.
My ex-wife is pregnant and engaged.
I have known about the pregnancy for a while now, but today I saw the ring, so I asked.... she said she wasn't ready to get married so for right now it was a promise ring, she also said he had a hard time understanding that, but he excepted it.
So here I am.
I guess the weird part is I just don't care, well not that I dont care but it just isn't having the monumental effect that I always thought it would. She was pretty open with me about what was going on between them and how he is having such a hard time understanding where she is coming from.
" I stood up there once, the second time is going to be ..... very different and very hard" she said to me in a very choked up tone. Tears ran down her face and for the first time in a very long time.... I didn't want to wipe away her tears. The choices she is making in her life just don't effect me, and its nice.
On the same note I have found myself coming to a very hard and valid realization... for the rest of my life I will be a divorcee and for the rest of my life I will be alone, alone in the sense that "till death due us part" is never a statement that I will utter again. Maybe it would have be easier at 50 or even 35... but 21 I still felt as I was in my prime that I had the opportunity to develop into a man, and take that and have a family with kids and a wife.... do family vacations, picnic, days at the beach..... and now not one of these things will ever be my reality. Yet at every corner I find myself, being happier, more driven very focused, and succeeding in life where ever I apply myself and more so the area's where I don't. In the past when I mauled over these specific events, I thought it would be my last and final sign that we were done and I would be broken, but I wasn't I had come to the point where I was okay with my divorce where I was okay being by myself, and that in my heart, where it ended with me and Jess was also the beginning of something very new.

Just wanted to share that....

Warrior Poet

 

[bkg]

My ex-wife is pregnant and engaged.

I have no words, man... I don't think I could handle the news anywhere near as well as you.

On the same note I have found myself coming to a very hard and valid realization... for the rest of my life I will be a divorcee and for the rest of my life I will be alone, alone in the sense that "till death due us part" is never a statement that I will utter again. Maybe it would have be easier at 50 or even 35... but 21 I still felt as I was in my prime that I had the opportunity to develop into a man, and take that and have a family with kids and a wife.... do family vacations, picnic, days at the beach..... and now not one of these things will ever be my reality.

At 31, it wasn't any easier - trust me. Coming to the grips of being alone for the rest of our lives is a sad, hard reality, and it's not fun. I feel your loss - I really do.

Hang in there, WP. Thanks for sharing this with us.
bkg

 

[LadyDJ]

I don't think it's ever easy...regardless of the age or the circumstances...

Hang in there WP

 

[Mister_Guy]

My now-ex-girlfriend is a divorcee also she also came to these terms in the last couple of weeks. It hurts to know that she wanted to be with me but on a greater level she knew where she had to be essentially and that was without me. She is only 22 and was married for 6 months when she was 19 but has decided that she cannot go through with another marriage. I know it is hard for her to come to terms with her decision but I know that she's not the type to make rash decisions which makes it even harder for me to move on from her In all reality, I support her and I admire her for doing what she is doing, but I'm hurting. I guess I'm trying to figure out what that leaves me with. She wrote me a letter the other day saying that she cares about me a lot and thinks about me a lot. I haven't tried to "get back with her" because I know that this is a decision and not a negotiation, but I guess it just hurts.

Warrior Poet, my apologies, I didn't mean to hijack your thread. I have read your posts about divorce though trying to understand better of where my ex was coming from. I guess I don't really know where I was headed with this post... but the receiving end does hurt also. Thank you for posting this. It did help me to better understand the decision that she has made for the both of us. You have a good head on your shoulders.

-Chris

 

[Warrior Poet]

bkg thanks for the PM bro... and I would like to address something you said... from the sound of the post I was upset.... quite the opposite... I talked to Jess for about 4 hours the night she told me she was pregnant she was broken, it wasn't suppose to be this way she kept saying, and my only response was... This is the way it is. She is taking it better now and I have offered my babysitting services to her ( I am really not that good with kids) and we laughed about it. The marriage thing isn't the icing on the cake so to speak.... as the cake was iced by me a while back, but I am not hurt or broken.... he (Jeremy) is a good guy and has taken good care of her... they are on a level that me an Jess could not reach because we weren't with each other because of who we were but who we wanted each other to be. I told her best friend 3 days after getting married it wasn't a matter of time IF we got divorced.... just a matter of time WHEN it was going to happen. There are things I know about her now that I never knew.. and vice versa.... and it has been hard to hear some of the "revelations" we have exchanged.... but we were always better friends then lovers ( not solely in the physical realm) thats just the nature of the beast.
Mister..... I am sorry. I had found someone myself that I could not believe was true we got along so well... we had tons in common, she was physically beautiful spiritually mature, and mentally tough... she was however pure... and I could not bring myself to be the one the destroyed that.... I had to stop it before it went to far. I think about her a lot.... I have distanced myself in hopes that it makes it easier for her to find some great guy that has none of my flaws.... he is out there... I know he is and she will be happy with this guy forever.
For months I went over scripture and literature about remarriage, divorce, and marriage.... and every time I hit the same road block it became less about what I wanted and "needed" and more about what my actions were doing and would do to the other persons life..... a life in sin for myself I can handle... its my choice to live that way and accept the consequences, but I would die if I drug some one along even if it be by their own remission... I know better then that... and that is the hard part.
Thank you Lady..... I am hanging in there... and will continue to do so.

Warrior Poet

 

[bkg]

bkg thanks for the PM bro... and I would like to address something you said... from the sound of the post I was upset.... quite the opposite...

Good to know, WP! I kind of got a "sullen" or "sober" vibe from the post - less upset and more... frumpy... I guess.

 

[Warrior Poet]

Did you just really use the word "frumpy"???
LOL

Warrior Poet

 

[cazza]

Warrior Poet

I hope you are not just shutting yourself off from the possibility of enjoying a fulfilling relationship. Your post seemed a bit cold to me. You are a loved child of God and you deserve to be happy. I wonder what the Lords plan is for you? You are so young and have so much life to live, how can you categorically say you will never remarry?

 

[bkg]

Did you just really use the word "frumpy"???
LOL

It was the only word I could think of!!! HAHAHA LOL!

 

[Mayzoo]

Something you may not have considered yet, just because you believe you should never remarry until your ex wife is deceased does not mean you cannot be part of a family. Laws are changing all the time. When you are ready you may be able to adopt a child as a single father--many if not all states allow this under the right conditions. Something to think about and maybe plan for anyway. You seem to have a lot of love to give....a very great start to being a great dad

 

[Warrior Poet]

I am very much so cazza....
Cold?? You will have to point out where I was cold. I am not mad at God I am not mad at Jess and I am not cold and hold no ill feelings toward anyone... I have held myself responsible for my actions and for my faults... I am forgiven but this however does not due away with the consequences of my actions.
I can be happy and not be married as that will be the case... I have loved and lost and I am complete. The Lord set my plan in motion along time ago, I am living it, but in the process I have seen His words weigh in on me like a ton of bricks, MY actions... MY choices... those are the things that even in my past can affect my present.
I wonder what his plan for me is too.. there are things in This plan that I know I will have and will not have... one will be a wife and children. God speaks explicitly about divorce many times over and taps into the life that you live afterward. It is not a sad and unhappy one. As I said I don't believe this is the end of my life..... I WANTED a family and kids, I WANTED the vacations.... I have learned over the past two years that my wants are not my needs,and have been provided with people and situations that have unfolded in only a manner that could be nothing less then "intervention"
Categorically I can say it cause God had it set forth as such... I am not getting all high and mighty and saying everyone should and could except this, Matt 19 has been a thorn in my side and the "loophole" in the argument I present and have presented myself. At this given point there is no calling no want to remarry.... I believe the consequences will out weigh the benefits in the long run, this is something I can and will accept. Jess said something that really hit home when she talked about being up on the alter once.... she is right I would feel as if what I am about to do is not valid that the promise is and will be set on circumstances that I have willed not that Christ has. I payed for it big time the last time I willed my own outcome.

Warrior Poet

 

[Mayzoo]

I do still hope you will pray and see if God's will is maybe for you to adopt a child. You need not be married to do so, although the process is easier if you are. But I am in no way asking you to waver on your beliefs of remarriage, just to consider/pray being a single father as it maybe part of God's will for you.

 

[Warrior Poet]

Absolutly no doubt that if that be the case it will unfold for me just as everything else has.

Warrior Poet

 

[Mayzoo]

 

[Mister_Guy]

Mister..... I am sorry. I had found someone myself that I could not believe was true we got along so well... we had tons in common, she was physically beautiful spiritually mature, and mentally tough... she was however pure... and I could not bring myself to be the one the destroyed that.... I had to stop it before it went to far. I think about her a lot.... I have distanced myself in hopes that it makes it easier for her to find some great guy that has none of my flaws.... he is out there... I know he is and she will be happy with this guy forever.

Warrior Poet

I talked to her last night... she said a lot of the things that you said too. As much as I still want to be with her and somehow "wished" that things could be different, I don't think I would have wanted her if she wasn't divorced. That sounds kind of funny, I know, but what I mean is that her divorce is what broke her.

Can I ask you how the other girl is taking all this? How did she take it? And Though you think of her, do you still miss her? Because I guess as much as I want to make this as easy as it can be for my ex, it has proven to be really hard to not think about her and miss her. Its funny how lately I've thought of a lot to say to her, but I can't bring myself to say anything.

-Chris

 

[cazza]

Warrior Poet you seem very strong in your faith and convictions, I admire that strength. I just felt that you were shutting yourself off however I realize now that you are comfortable with who you are in Christ. Good on Ya Mate

 

[rainyday]

WP ... just wondering out loud, but if she's pregnant without being in a marriage, was she unfaithful to you? I remember some of your situation and incapability, but if she's pregnant now without being in a marriage, it doesn't sound like there's much sexual responsibility there. It's left me wondering if she was unfaithful especially the comment of yours about 'revelations' you've since learned about her.

Why any woman would be pregnant today by mistake is beyond me. You just don't create a life by "opps" excuses. You shouldn't be having a sexual relationship with anyone outside of marriage to begin with! Hell, I'm heading in fast on my decade mark of being celibate, and although at times it's been hard, it can and SHOULD be done. It is something that is not only to be saved for marriage, but celebrated within as it's meant. So again, my question is, what was she doing having relations if not married? Is she a Christian?

Secondly, if she was unfaithful then you were permitted to divorce, and I realize you know this. Although remarriage is never talked about, it's never discussed that it CAN'T or SHOULDN'T be an option either. Only the grounds on who can divorce and why are discussed. The spouse who has an unfaithful partner is granted this divorce action by Jesus' own words, but no one else. Then for those who have divorced for other reasons it's discussed who'll be considered adulterous should they remarry. Again, the burden of the sin of adultery is placed on that person who was initially unfaithful should they continue, but never emphasized on the spouse who Jesus stated could divorce. Why this omission exists I don't know. But it's there. The only time remarriage is spoken is when it references the wife who is bound to her husband until death and those who marry the adulterous spouse (correct me if I'm wrong, but that's the only time I've seen it). The fact that Jesus granted permission for a spouse to divorce in case of unfaithfulness implies permission to continue forward, ... this is MY interpretation since I see nothing negatively implied about the wronged spouse remarrying and it being proclaimed adultery. You do read that the adulterous spouse who remarries is deemed to still be committing adultery as well as the man/woman who married him/her. So this omission for the wronged spouse's continued actions is significant to me.

My husband and I have been separated for 7 and a half years to date. Many people, as well as my family, have asked me why I never pursued a divorce before now. Well, biblically I didn't feel I could. Our initial separation was based solely on incompatibility, both spiritually and fundamentally, so I never felt I had a biblical leg to stand on to file for divorce based on scripture. I realize that in the last 7 years he has been with other women, but even that I saw as a direct result of our separation and didn't feel it gave me legitimate reasons to divorce. Well, this past spring in a phone conversation we had, he accidentally admitted to having been adulterous several times very early in our marriage. Silly me, I never had a clue back then this had happened. Now that I look back on it, all the signs were there, I was just naive in nature and maybe too trusting. It explained a lot. Now with this new information that my husband had been unfaithful several times early in our marriage and prior to our separation, I am comfortable proceeding with an actual divorce. I am now biblically supported to go forward and obtain a divorce.

Remarriage? I've considered this as well. Although I'm not sure I'd find someone I'd care to trust again, I wouldn't rule it out either. Like I said above, remarriage isn't discussed regarding divorce for the wronged spouse, only the spouse who committed the adultery initially and wanted to remarry. Because divorce is referenced many times in the bible, I believe divorce was a problem then as it is now ... done to toss away a marriage for reasons other than unfaithfulness. Therefore Jesus gave instructions to those who divorced, "except for unfaithfulness", and told them what they couldn't do if they proceeded. But he never stated that the wronged spouse could or couldn't remarry. Again, this omission is important and one that leaves the Holy Spirit to guide you now with clarity and discernment.

Anyway ... this is just my take on it.

 

[Leanna]

I think that whenever possible children should be raised by two parents. I think it wouldn't be the best for a child to be adopted by a single mother or a single father. This isn't good advice considering all of the research out there showing that single parent households are hard on children.

Warrior Poet, I don't think that it would be wrong for you to remarry, but I also think that you have to follow your own convictions. How is it said? He who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, to him it becomes sin. Since you honestly believe this then I suppose it would be a sin for you to remarry. But I do think it is very sad that you will miss out on the family you thought you would have.

To rainyday, you said, why would any woman be pregnant today by mistake? If by "mistake" you mean surprise then this has an obvious answer. Many people get pregnant by surprise, married or not. And many people make the mistake of having sex outside of marriage and become pregnant and since abortion is wrong they have a baby. I wouldn't call my baby a mistake but he was surely a surprise and the way it happened was a mistake.

 

[rainyday]

Then let me clarify that Leanna ... OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE sex is wrong. Therefore a "surprise" is not acceptable in that 'concensual' circumstance (excluding rape/incest). Now if you weren't a Christian at the time, different story but still irresponsible IMO.

I suppose I just don't understand how in this day and age, with all the birth control availbable out there, some women are 'sloppy' about ensuring unwanted/unplanned pregnacies. Mind you I've worked in OB/GYN clinics for MANY years and seen much! I'm talking and referring to irresponsibilities Leanna ... irresponsible sex for the gratification of the flesh only and not to glorify God in a committed relationship as God intended for us as a gift. That's the bottom line for me.

 

[Warrior Poet]

Ill clear up two things real quick... She was on "the pill" when she got pregnant this also happened twice while we together.... twice in 7 years so....
She was unfaithful... she left our "home" then proceeded to develop a relationship which she openly admits was blossoming before the split but did not get physical till after she moved out. Either way we were still married. It was a pretty big shock to her that she was pregnant seeing how she was taking precautions... she was always good about her checkups and went in regularly when she didn't feel right.
Is she a Christian... thats a good question. Actions speak louder then word sometimes but I know she does not attend church and as far as a personal relationship with Christ goes.... He works on her terms, so to speak.

Leanna I agree two parents is better then one any day and as I said if I am to raise a child or children then the opportunity will present itself and unfold as it should.... this however is not something I would openly pursue.

Warrior Poet