A stubborn spot in my soul

I found a stubborn spot in my soul recently. An old, undealt-with battle scar. A scar I hate but which refuses to go away. Insights, anyone?

By spot I mean an area of my life. An old wound that doesn't heal, mostly because I don't want to have to sludge through everything to deal with it. I get the distinct impression the Lord wants me to give it my most pointed attention, but I really feel like I'm in uncharted territory. I've prayed about how to handle it, and I know God has His reasons for not giving me the usual beta, but this gaping affective sore is a source of great confusion to me, compounded by a sense of the Lord's great urgency in requiring me to deal with it. I'm looking for the "You Are Here" arrow on the proverbial affective map.

Trying to deal with the baggage of an old relationship where the individual cheated on me. And my (at the time) close friend walked off with my first fiance.
I didn't know it was still bothering me after all these years, but apparently it has shaped my perspectives more than I realized. And it is manifesting itself in depression (I thought that was over for good, after a decade...12 years, maybe).

I'm grateful for your kind replies. You make very good points, all of you.

Mythbuster- great idea. I can focus on the Lord and His sweetness, and good fellowship. He's working when I can't see it. That's really important to remember when I'm going through this, that there's a concrete Love that won't disappoint or hurt me more. I'm deeply consoled by that-thank you.

Sharky-absolutely: the Lord closed the door in His providence. Good point. And now that I look back, I don't think either of them would have been good for me to have in my life longterm. We used to attend Bible study together, and the two of them just walked off and sat together right in front of me. At Bible study. The two dated for I can't remember exactly how long, upwards of a year, but last I knew, my former fiance put a ring on that I had given, that my friend knew very well came from me, and walked out of the relationship. Of course I was on the brink of being engaged again, and indeed married not long after that. So wearing my ring and coming over to visit me didn't do too much good at that point. No wonder God didn't want us together-you made a very good point. Thanks for reminding me.

Brinny-yes. The trust factor. It is so hard to look at it because I know just enough of what I'm feeling to know I don't want to dig too deep. I had no idea this bothered me at all. My former fiance is the last person I ever think of one day to another. But it's true-if I trust in the Lord, He wouldn't ask me to deal with this and then leave me without help. Thanks for the reminder.

Rev, I thought I had. At least, I never think about either of them. But recently I had difficulties in another area of my life, and I asked the Lord to show me why, and He showed me this unresolved issue was actually operating very actively under the surface, even though I didn't consciously think of it. It shaped my impressions and the decisions I make even to this day, and I had no idea. But when I think about my former fiance, now that I'm really thinking about it, there isn't a particular fondness there. I guess I haven't forgiven the pair of them. I just thought I had. I do want the best for each of them, I will say that. I do pray the Lord forgives them and uses them mightily. But I can't stand the thought of either of them either. But I didn't realize because I just jammed it as far away from my mind as I could and kept it there. God is showing me how this hurt is impacting my ability to represent God to an old friend who popped up recently, because I've allowed that bitterness to impact my choices. Kind of a shocker since I thought everything was forgiven, and thoroughly forgotten, but it's not-at all. Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement. I'll pray for you, too.

Evie, thank you for reminding me to pray for them. That really takes the edge off the bitterness-I know that from a fresher wound. If I'm seeking their wellbeing in prayer, it would be a lot harder to stay angry at them. And it would really put me in a situation where I have to deal with it, and if I have to do that, I think prayer would make the best place to be while I'm dealing with it. I sure need the Lord's guidance. I had no idea I was angry still. Thank you for the prayers; I will pray for you too.



You people are absolutely beautiful.

Iktca, thank you for your incredibly kind thoughts. The Lord is so faithful. And you're right-if the Lord so graciously forgave the woman, then how can I not do the same for the ones who offended me? He forgives, and so must I. The road ahead may not be easy, but you're right-it is absolutely worth it. The Lord looks to bring healing when He addresses something like that. I meditated on that last night and it was very consoling. Thank you for your kind words.

Brinley, how right you are that familiarity is so much more easy to deal with, or at least it seems. It's daunting to have to relive something and then not know really what the outcome may be before we begin. Thank you for reminding me that just because bad things happened in the past does not mean they have to happen again in the future. Thank you for your gracious reply.