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a story I'm wrighting

Legolas The Jedi Master

Prince of Mirkwood
Dec 20, 2003
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It was another peaceful day on the Island. Aragorn and Sunbeam ran down to the beach and dove in swimming down to the under water city of the water elves.
The sun hit the water and filtered down thru the water onto the city.
As Aragorn and Sunbeam approached the city, some of the young elves came out to them.
“Hello children of the king, what brings you down here today?” called out all of the young water elves.
“Greetings friends we have come for the great underwater dance” Aragorn replied.
“you are welcome to join, but were is your sister Goldberry? She loves the great underwater dance and never misses it.”
“she went up to the mountain with her mother she sends her apologies.”
“come along then or they will start will out us.”
The group swam down to a small cave and swam thru while talking & laughing.
Once they all got into the cave, they swam to the center of the cave. The music started up and very quickly, the elves were in the song dancing in the water.

Goldberry and her mother Queen Charis walked up the mountain to a small ledge that looked over the whole Island. She could see the valley leading into the woods in the center of the island were she and her family lived. the bay with the ships on the dock were the water elves lived. Behind the mountain was higher mountains and a volcano in the center were the fire elves lived up above she could see the cloud that never got smaller or bigger and traveled all over the Island that’s were the air elves lived. Past the cloud there was the city of light were the light elves lived. under the ground in the dark underworld is were the dark elves live and up the mountain in the snow and ice is were the ice elves lived.
“tell me Goldberry why didn’t you go the dance this morning, you are the on who most loves water in the family.”
“I know mother but I just needed to be alone with you for a while.”
“why Goldberry?”
“I’m not sure but something tells me that this will be a day you will cherish for as long as you live and maybe until the great king comes back for his own.”
Goldberry looked out to the sea she knew something was coming that was filled with evil.
“Goldberry its hard to make you out sometimes, what are talking about?” her mothers voice broke her thoughts.
“its nothing mother” she lied. The two talked for about an hour then Goldberry jumped up.
“they are here!” she yelled. “the court form Emerald Isle.” Goldberry graped her mothers had an flew down the the shore.

Aragorn and Sunbeam smiled after the dance then some of the water elves swam around saying that the royal family from Emerald Isle were here. Aragorn, Sunbeam and all the elves swam up and Aragorn and Sunbeam joined the rest of their family. Legolas had heard the noise and came down in fact all the elves came to the shore. The water elves swam out to the boat and laughed and sang to the passangers and the air elves flew out and did the same leading the ship to the dock. The wood elves got horses and banners ready to take them to the palce burst into song and then animals came to greet them as well. the light and dark elves made fireworks like things only mutch more beautiful then you can imagein. The ice elves made beautiful things made out of ice for them to walk thru when they landed and the fire elves made a tunnel of fire to walk thru while making sure it didn’t hurt anything green or living.

When the ship arived at the dock the air and water elves helped dock the ship and got the plank down and lead them off the boat. When they got to the crowd waiting for them the royal familys climed into the caraiges and rode thru the ice and then the fire to the palace.
Once the rolled thru the gate the elves went back to there place to get ready for the celabrations exept for the leaders and their familys of each type of elf. They walked inside then they split up. The boys went with Aragorn to the garden on the tree tops. The girls stayed outside in the garden below and played quiet games. The older ones went into the hall and talked about business.

As the girls played and game of hide-and-go-seek Goldberry hid on top of a tree. As she waited to be found she looked out to sea and saw a dark shape with a light shape beside it. “Oh,no! not today I had hoped you wouldn’t come today.” She wispered.
“found you Goldberry!” Shala a princess form the Emerald Isle called out.
“now you have to chatch me.” Goldberry ran across the trees being careful not to fall thru the leaves. As she ran she glanced back the two shapes were gone.


((by the way any feedback is welcome))
 
Apr 8, 2004
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Alternate Carpark said:
:D Um...learn how to spell and use a different font colour :D

You can always use spell check. But you do need to use a different colour. Presentation is an integral part of the overall reading experience. Black on white = very easy to read = pleasant reading experience. Orange on white = squint, re-read, squint some more = what was I reading, again? Also, do what you want when you write for yourself, but when you write for the public, try to use original character names. I know they are just names, but they evoke certain assumptions that you may want to avoid; both in your character personalities AND in the legal world. :D
 
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Vulgivagus hagiographus

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Exposition needs lots of help. We're thrown into the story without knowing any of the characters, and it's written in such a way that it seems like we should. This would work better if it wasn't the very beginning of the story. Who's Aragorn? Why is he coming to this place with Sunbeam? What's this water dancing stuff? Exposition is vital to a good fantasy story. As of now, we're lost as to what's going on. Anyway, I don't mean to insult of offend, which it pretty much sounds like. Ugh, sorry for being an idiot! Yeah, I can't think now, but exposition needs help. This sounds like the middle of the story rather than the beginning.
 
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