Whilst fully aware that this isn't the most ideal way to scribe an introduction, I hereby apologise for the impending length of this article and promise to keep it reasonably concise. My grounds for writing this post are primarily getting it off my chest combined with the fact that were I to try to convey much of this orally to someone, I would forget most of it and be an inarticulate, sobbing wreck quite quickly. So I implore you to bear with me and if you care for anything I might have to say, do me the honour of reading through the entirety. Even if it does take you a few sittings.
First things first, I hate labels. However, I consider myself a Christian in the eyes of God and I have been in a relationship with the Lord for around five years at this time of writing. I am currently confident and happy in my faith, growing as a person and a Christian, even if I am frequently unhappy in life. In addition I am, to quote the politically correct term, a homosexual. This is a fact I have come to terms with less than a year ago. I am currently confident and happy in my sexuality, accepting it and knowing it is not an affliction, nor a barrier between myself and God.
One thing I am quite certain of, is that had these two major turning points in my life not come in that order, I would in all likelihood not be saved today. Honestly, I don't even know if I would be alive. Realising that I am a raging ** very nearly destroyed my faith – and me, personally – but I have passed through that fire and it has brought me far closer to God than I could have ever imagined. For which I'm grateful, in a why-the-hell-does-it-always-have-to-be-so-hard kind of way.
Growing up, I never identified myself in my own mind as being gay. It's wrong, who would want to be gay? I was interested in guys and completely uninterested in girls since before I knew what sex was. But I was too young to realise or give thought to the matter. When, at a more mature age, I caught myself fantasizing about guys, it was confusing. But I brushed it off as a phase, adolescent hormones going berserk. I would grow out of it. I wasn't gay. Conveniently ignoring the fact that I only fantasized about guys. Ever. Even when I was trying to force myself to think about girls, it would swing back to guys at the end.
When my salvation came at around the age of 15, I had a new weapon in my arsenal, besides denial, to combat these evil thoughts invading my mind. With Biblically reinforced knowledge that homosexuality is Wrong, I prayed with great fervour and determination to rid myself of these devil-sent desires. I wasn't a homosexual, I wasn't going to have these attractions, I was going to be normal. Jesus could help. The power of prayer could change me and rid me of my temptations, sent by Satan to lead me away from the Lord.
Eventually, it worked. Halleluia-praise-the-Lord-ah. Any issues of sexuality were pushed aside. I wasn't gay, the demon had been driven from me. I hadn't found the 'right girl' I wanted to be with forever yet, but I didn't need relationships. “I'm young, there's plenty of time, girlfriends are just hassle.” Singleness was a blessing. The Bible says so too. Better my outlook than the worldly desire to get laid ASAP.
When I was 19, nearly 20, I met a girl at the church I was attending. We became very good friends over three or four months, until finally she asked me out. She did a very good job of chatting me up and I agreed, despite my previous desire for singleness. It was sheer bliss; a real Gift from God.
A gift that lasted three months, by the end of which I was praying for her to break up with me, because if she didn't, I was going to have to and I wasn't ready to explain my reasons to her. Thankfully, she did end the relationship, leaving me with an irreparably ruined friendship and a huge dung pile of personal realisations to sort through. Alone. For who was there to turn to in a world that would judge and ostracise me, or ignorantly try to “fix” me? What just and loveable God could do this to me?
I had finally realised that I am gay. Life went on as normal, while within me the truth came out from behind its thin veil, turning the rock beneath my feet to rubble as my world slid away through my clutching fingers. Which is a poetic way of saying that I went from being seemingly fine, to once again being completely screwed up inside.
Whilst we were together, this girl and I got extremely intimate. Sure, there were dinner dates, movies, friends, long discussions and staying up late with a bottle of wine. But I found I could turn her on – and I mean drive her wild – with the merest of touches. And I liked that. We were, of course, careful to keep away from the Sin of actual pre-marital intercourse, but it came pretty darn close once or twice.
But what I eventually saw in myself made me sick. I certainly liked being with her; in a way I was finally getting the emotional and physical contact I had denied myself for twenty years. What I saw I liked more, however, was that it made me “normal”. It was proof (mainly to myself) that I wasn't gay. It was acceptance. Being wanted by someone, being given the promise of marriage, a family, support and stability. The status of undeniable heterosexuality and all that entails, because I had a female partner.
How ironic that it became the opposite of that – proof that I am gay, beyond anything I could reasonably dupe myself into denying. Sure, I could get turned on when she was aroused and my libido would take it from there, but I never once thought about her sexually when she wasn't around. I didn't honestly find her physically attractive, so no change there from any other woman I've ever laid eyes upon. Her hair, her smell, her shape...nothing bad, just nothing...alluring. There was also an emotional barrier that, despite our closeness, we just couldn't get past in the seven months we were on speaking terms. And for the latter three of those seven months, whilst we were officially 'together', we didn't kiss once. I can play over and over in my mind the times she tried to kiss me and I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
Now, just in case I haven't emphasised how hard this was for me to accept, I can quote myself as recently as a year ago being outspokenly against the Sin of homosexuality. A viewpoint I have since done an about-turn on. Not through weakness, not because of desire, but through a lot of long, hard wrestling with the matter. Through agonising soul-searching and brutal self-examination. Eventually, when I turned back to God, also through extensive prayer.
I knew that the Bible, God's Word, was irrefutably clear about the Fact that homosexuality (or, in the case of more politically correct “Loving the Sinner & Hating the Sin”TM, homosexual acts) were Sin in God's eyes. What Christian from almost any mainstream church couldn't know that? I therefore knew this and accepted it, for the whole church couldn't be wrong, could it?
So when I hit upon my dilemma, I first turned to the Bible for strength and conviction that to ever engage in a homosexual lifestyle is Wrong (I had, by this point, finally accepted that I am gay and nothing shall change that – God had already answered those prayers in the negative). What I discovered hit me hard and only turned me further from the church and God. The bible wasn't nearly as clear as I had been led to believe. In fact, it only mentions homosexuality directly a few times, and each case is subject to interpretation. Many plausible and reasoned points were given by people in favour of homosexuality.
I shan't go into that debate here; it has been beaten to death by far too many people and the study of many arguments on the matter has lead me to the following conclusion: that the bible is most definitely not irrefutably clear on the specific matter of homosexuality. Whilst there is enough direct evidence for both sides to back up their opinions and believe they are right, there is not enough to convince any one side that they are wrong. Period. A plethora of debates and church schisms is plenty evidence of that. If there was good, solid proof in black and white one way or the other, there would not be such fearsome debate, with well-educated and reasonable people, heterosexual and homosexual, (as well as pig-headed, fanatic nut jobs) on both sides of the court.
So, there I was, my head and emotions in turmoil, my faith in the Church and God shattered, and nothing to convince me that homosexuality was either wrong or right. There was reasonable doubt shadowing both opinions. At this point I turned from God and sought answers elsewhere - anywhere I could think of looking. After a while, my search brought me crawling back to God. Down on my knees I spent nights looking for an answer with tears streaming down my face.
What finally swayed me was Jesus' words on false teachings and prophets. His statements on the need to test the fruits of everything we come across. A lot of things, like the church's teachings on homosexuality, I had just accepted. Everyone, even outside the church, knew it was dirty and wrong and unnatural, how could they be incorrect? Just like in the past, people thought slavery was right, biblically justified and socially acceptable. But some Christians struggled with the matter, talked with God and stood up against their fellow Christians and society, and changed our view on slavery completely. So I began to look at the fruits of the main church's stance on homosexuality and homosexual relationships.
I have yet to find anything that isn't rotten, repulsive and against everything Jesus and God stand for. From highly publicised, fanatical, religious hate-mongers such as the Phelps clan/Westboro Baptist Church, to the number of sexual-orientation-related suicide attempts and successes each year. From the number of depressed and miserable, outcast homosexuals in the world, to the amount of bizarre Christian anti-gay propaganda being spread about to demonise such people (like AIDS being “God's Judgement on Gay People” despite all medical evidence to the contrary, or “dirty dirty bum-sex and all the damage it does”, or even that gays are more likely to get cancer because of their lifestyle...the list goes on). From countless heart-breaking witness accounts and testimonies and pitiful cries for acceptance and help in dealing with society, to my own personal experiences (not many of which are recounted here). From all the Christians being thrown out of church because they are gay, to all the homosexuals refusing to even get within spitting distance of Jesus because of the mainstream Christian views on homosexuality. None of it would be excusable in the eyes of the God I know and love.
All is now good between myself and God on this matter. For the most part, things are now good between myself and myself; I'm generally happy with who and what I am, with only the occasional, fleeting, pointless desire to once more try and change. All is not good between myself and the people around me. Life is not good, not by a long way. It is a constant struggle, as being a Christian so often is. Despite the people who know and have been accepting and supportive, I am plagued by recurring bouts of depression and set upon from unexpected fronts by discrimination, obstacles, ignorance and occasionally unreserved hate. All because I'm gay, and I've never even been in a homosexual relationship.
And by “depression” I don't mean feeling gloomy for a few days. Depression is waking up with an all-consuming, unshakeable feeling of utter desolation, when you went to sleep feeling perfectly content. Trying to continue life as normal, even though you wish it would just end, and seeing the effect your behaviour has on friends and co-workers. Wanting to be happy and light-hearted again, when you can't find where your heart used to be. Depression is lying awake at night, seething with anger and hate for the people that make you hate yourself. It is crying uncontrollably as you wallow in a dark pit of loneliness, even when there's someone there with you. Going from elation to devastation in a blink. Beating your head against the wall with your eyes screwed shut, no tears left, wishing it all away. Pressing the knife into your wrist, daring yourself to do it, searching for a reason not to. Rolling the bottle of pills from one hand to another as you stare into infinity.
Name-calling rarely affects me, unless it is directed at someone else who suffers because of it. I went through enough bullying as a child (for reasons other than sexuality) that I'm strong enough to ignore it. I'm no longer the sort of person that is liable to get beaten up. And in general, I am 'out' to people who either ask or are affected; I don't go round yelling “I'm GAY! I'm GAY!” to anyone within earshot. So bullying's rarely a problem.
However, the unthinking comments, the ignorant hateful remarks, the overly-goodhearted attempts to 'fix' my 'problem', the pointless, baseless mistrust and blatant discrimination...all these are sharp daggers that are plunged deep and twisted each day by people around me. That normal people can unflinchingly compare homosexuality to rape, child molestation, murder, philandering and more is unjust and vilifying in the extreme.
I don't want sympathy. I don't want a 'cure'. I want the ignorance, the hate and the hurt to stop.
And I am not the only one.
First things first, I hate labels. However, I consider myself a Christian in the eyes of God and I have been in a relationship with the Lord for around five years at this time of writing. I am currently confident and happy in my faith, growing as a person and a Christian, even if I am frequently unhappy in life. In addition I am, to quote the politically correct term, a homosexual. This is a fact I have come to terms with less than a year ago. I am currently confident and happy in my sexuality, accepting it and knowing it is not an affliction, nor a barrier between myself and God.
One thing I am quite certain of, is that had these two major turning points in my life not come in that order, I would in all likelihood not be saved today. Honestly, I don't even know if I would be alive. Realising that I am a raging ** very nearly destroyed my faith – and me, personally – but I have passed through that fire and it has brought me far closer to God than I could have ever imagined. For which I'm grateful, in a why-the-hell-does-it-always-have-to-be-so-hard kind of way.
Growing up, I never identified myself in my own mind as being gay. It's wrong, who would want to be gay? I was interested in guys and completely uninterested in girls since before I knew what sex was. But I was too young to realise or give thought to the matter. When, at a more mature age, I caught myself fantasizing about guys, it was confusing. But I brushed it off as a phase, adolescent hormones going berserk. I would grow out of it. I wasn't gay. Conveniently ignoring the fact that I only fantasized about guys. Ever. Even when I was trying to force myself to think about girls, it would swing back to guys at the end.
When my salvation came at around the age of 15, I had a new weapon in my arsenal, besides denial, to combat these evil thoughts invading my mind. With Biblically reinforced knowledge that homosexuality is Wrong, I prayed with great fervour and determination to rid myself of these devil-sent desires. I wasn't a homosexual, I wasn't going to have these attractions, I was going to be normal. Jesus could help. The power of prayer could change me and rid me of my temptations, sent by Satan to lead me away from the Lord.
Eventually, it worked. Halleluia-praise-the-Lord-ah. Any issues of sexuality were pushed aside. I wasn't gay, the demon had been driven from me. I hadn't found the 'right girl' I wanted to be with forever yet, but I didn't need relationships. “I'm young, there's plenty of time, girlfriends are just hassle.” Singleness was a blessing. The Bible says so too. Better my outlook than the worldly desire to get laid ASAP.
When I was 19, nearly 20, I met a girl at the church I was attending. We became very good friends over three or four months, until finally she asked me out. She did a very good job of chatting me up and I agreed, despite my previous desire for singleness. It was sheer bliss; a real Gift from God.
A gift that lasted three months, by the end of which I was praying for her to break up with me, because if she didn't, I was going to have to and I wasn't ready to explain my reasons to her. Thankfully, she did end the relationship, leaving me with an irreparably ruined friendship and a huge dung pile of personal realisations to sort through. Alone. For who was there to turn to in a world that would judge and ostracise me, or ignorantly try to “fix” me? What just and loveable God could do this to me?
I had finally realised that I am gay. Life went on as normal, while within me the truth came out from behind its thin veil, turning the rock beneath my feet to rubble as my world slid away through my clutching fingers. Which is a poetic way of saying that I went from being seemingly fine, to once again being completely screwed up inside.
Whilst we were together, this girl and I got extremely intimate. Sure, there were dinner dates, movies, friends, long discussions and staying up late with a bottle of wine. But I found I could turn her on – and I mean drive her wild – with the merest of touches. And I liked that. We were, of course, careful to keep away from the Sin of actual pre-marital intercourse, but it came pretty darn close once or twice.
But what I eventually saw in myself made me sick. I certainly liked being with her; in a way I was finally getting the emotional and physical contact I had denied myself for twenty years. What I saw I liked more, however, was that it made me “normal”. It was proof (mainly to myself) that I wasn't gay. It was acceptance. Being wanted by someone, being given the promise of marriage, a family, support and stability. The status of undeniable heterosexuality and all that entails, because I had a female partner.
How ironic that it became the opposite of that – proof that I am gay, beyond anything I could reasonably dupe myself into denying. Sure, I could get turned on when she was aroused and my libido would take it from there, but I never once thought about her sexually when she wasn't around. I didn't honestly find her physically attractive, so no change there from any other woman I've ever laid eyes upon. Her hair, her smell, her shape...nothing bad, just nothing...alluring. There was also an emotional barrier that, despite our closeness, we just couldn't get past in the seven months we were on speaking terms. And for the latter three of those seven months, whilst we were officially 'together', we didn't kiss once. I can play over and over in my mind the times she tried to kiss me and I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
Now, just in case I haven't emphasised how hard this was for me to accept, I can quote myself as recently as a year ago being outspokenly against the Sin of homosexuality. A viewpoint I have since done an about-turn on. Not through weakness, not because of desire, but through a lot of long, hard wrestling with the matter. Through agonising soul-searching and brutal self-examination. Eventually, when I turned back to God, also through extensive prayer.
I knew that the Bible, God's Word, was irrefutably clear about the Fact that homosexuality (or, in the case of more politically correct “Loving the Sinner & Hating the Sin”TM, homosexual acts) were Sin in God's eyes. What Christian from almost any mainstream church couldn't know that? I therefore knew this and accepted it, for the whole church couldn't be wrong, could it?
So when I hit upon my dilemma, I first turned to the Bible for strength and conviction that to ever engage in a homosexual lifestyle is Wrong (I had, by this point, finally accepted that I am gay and nothing shall change that – God had already answered those prayers in the negative). What I discovered hit me hard and only turned me further from the church and God. The bible wasn't nearly as clear as I had been led to believe. In fact, it only mentions homosexuality directly a few times, and each case is subject to interpretation. Many plausible and reasoned points were given by people in favour of homosexuality.
I shan't go into that debate here; it has been beaten to death by far too many people and the study of many arguments on the matter has lead me to the following conclusion: that the bible is most definitely not irrefutably clear on the specific matter of homosexuality. Whilst there is enough direct evidence for both sides to back up their opinions and believe they are right, there is not enough to convince any one side that they are wrong. Period. A plethora of debates and church schisms is plenty evidence of that. If there was good, solid proof in black and white one way or the other, there would not be such fearsome debate, with well-educated and reasonable people, heterosexual and homosexual, (as well as pig-headed, fanatic nut jobs) on both sides of the court.
So, there I was, my head and emotions in turmoil, my faith in the Church and God shattered, and nothing to convince me that homosexuality was either wrong or right. There was reasonable doubt shadowing both opinions. At this point I turned from God and sought answers elsewhere - anywhere I could think of looking. After a while, my search brought me crawling back to God. Down on my knees I spent nights looking for an answer with tears streaming down my face.
What finally swayed me was Jesus' words on false teachings and prophets. His statements on the need to test the fruits of everything we come across. A lot of things, like the church's teachings on homosexuality, I had just accepted. Everyone, even outside the church, knew it was dirty and wrong and unnatural, how could they be incorrect? Just like in the past, people thought slavery was right, biblically justified and socially acceptable. But some Christians struggled with the matter, talked with God and stood up against their fellow Christians and society, and changed our view on slavery completely. So I began to look at the fruits of the main church's stance on homosexuality and homosexual relationships.
I have yet to find anything that isn't rotten, repulsive and against everything Jesus and God stand for. From highly publicised, fanatical, religious hate-mongers such as the Phelps clan/Westboro Baptist Church, to the number of sexual-orientation-related suicide attempts and successes each year. From the number of depressed and miserable, outcast homosexuals in the world, to the amount of bizarre Christian anti-gay propaganda being spread about to demonise such people (like AIDS being “God's Judgement on Gay People” despite all medical evidence to the contrary, or “dirty dirty bum-sex and all the damage it does”, or even that gays are more likely to get cancer because of their lifestyle...the list goes on). From countless heart-breaking witness accounts and testimonies and pitiful cries for acceptance and help in dealing with society, to my own personal experiences (not many of which are recounted here). From all the Christians being thrown out of church because they are gay, to all the homosexuals refusing to even get within spitting distance of Jesus because of the mainstream Christian views on homosexuality. None of it would be excusable in the eyes of the God I know and love.
All is now good between myself and God on this matter. For the most part, things are now good between myself and myself; I'm generally happy with who and what I am, with only the occasional, fleeting, pointless desire to once more try and change. All is not good between myself and the people around me. Life is not good, not by a long way. It is a constant struggle, as being a Christian so often is. Despite the people who know and have been accepting and supportive, I am plagued by recurring bouts of depression and set upon from unexpected fronts by discrimination, obstacles, ignorance and occasionally unreserved hate. All because I'm gay, and I've never even been in a homosexual relationship.
And by “depression” I don't mean feeling gloomy for a few days. Depression is waking up with an all-consuming, unshakeable feeling of utter desolation, when you went to sleep feeling perfectly content. Trying to continue life as normal, even though you wish it would just end, and seeing the effect your behaviour has on friends and co-workers. Wanting to be happy and light-hearted again, when you can't find where your heart used to be. Depression is lying awake at night, seething with anger and hate for the people that make you hate yourself. It is crying uncontrollably as you wallow in a dark pit of loneliness, even when there's someone there with you. Going from elation to devastation in a blink. Beating your head against the wall with your eyes screwed shut, no tears left, wishing it all away. Pressing the knife into your wrist, daring yourself to do it, searching for a reason not to. Rolling the bottle of pills from one hand to another as you stare into infinity.
Name-calling rarely affects me, unless it is directed at someone else who suffers because of it. I went through enough bullying as a child (for reasons other than sexuality) that I'm strong enough to ignore it. I'm no longer the sort of person that is liable to get beaten up. And in general, I am 'out' to people who either ask or are affected; I don't go round yelling “I'm GAY! I'm GAY!” to anyone within earshot. So bullying's rarely a problem.
However, the unthinking comments, the ignorant hateful remarks, the overly-goodhearted attempts to 'fix' my 'problem', the pointless, baseless mistrust and blatant discrimination...all these are sharp daggers that are plunged deep and twisted each day by people around me. That normal people can unflinchingly compare homosexuality to rape, child molestation, murder, philandering and more is unjust and vilifying in the extreme.
I don't want sympathy. I don't want a 'cure'. I want the ignorance, the hate and the hurt to stop.
And I am not the only one.
