I remember that I wasn't much older than 11 years of age. It was the late 1990's, and the internet had not made it into our home, yet. Television was the way for me to get entertainment. By day, I watched cartoons, motorsports, movies, soap drama's, etc. But by night, being the curious only child in the household, I snuck from my bedroom to the living room. Sometimes, I remember I couldn't sleep in my own bedroom, and just decided to sleep on the main couch. Doing that, I turned on the TV countless times, and got myself exposed to things I wish I had not seen. Yeah, movies and shows showing off beautiful women, who were stripped bare, stark naked, doing all kinds of stuff. And I shamelessly watched whatever they did.
But I do remember, that even before that, I actually got exposed to full-on hard core porn. Not by my own will, but because of a class mate. I must have been not older than 9, because I remember being in third grade in Dutch elementary school. She(about my age then), and her older sister(who was signifantly other than me and her), and I don't know how she pulled it off, but her older sister did rent a movie. I thought we were to rent a cartoon, like a Disney movie. I was wrong. Once the videotape, yes videotape, played on the TV set, I saw something that I could not forget, and I still have that image still vividly in my head. A guy and a girl doing whatever they do when things go hardcore. You guys and girls who suffer porn addiction like know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I consider that to be that first point where things kicked off. Like that first incident in a movie that kicks the story off to a whole new direction.
It did not take long before things inside my body took off at age 11-12. I gave it an inch, and the addiction seemed to go on for a mile. Hormones raged, and without much thinking, I already experimented on my own. Several years to come, and I won't make this into a giant post, turned into a full-blown addiction, especially when access to the internet became available in my mid-teens. In my late teens, when I hit my 18th-19th life year, I met girl on the web. We started chatting, then webcamming. Out of that blossomed into, in my opinion, a bad relationship. I mean, we started talking about sexual stuff. Not long after, the whole flashing and showing-off, sexually speaking, kicked off. Then, masturbation. Looking back, I realize how incredibly wrong and twisted that was. Yet at the time, my obssession grew more and more, and I don't really blame her, cause we were both at fault, and at the same time both victims of sin. Eventually, things got really out of hand, and I cut off my ties with her, after roughly 4 years of interaction.
But what went on then, just the porn addiction, the viewing of video material especially, still continues today. Accompanied by masturbation, which does make it much worse. It's been a couple of years or so since saved, calling out to Jesus for a new start. But the addiction, I call it a penny-less drug, available whenever without having to pay for it, it never really ceased.
Gosh, it is such a wretched thing. I admire women, they're beautiful quite frankly, and God made them beautiful. But when sin comes knocking at the door when I admire a normally clothed young woman, knowing she is made in the image of the Lord, it's like a switch then flips. Then, my mind being so creative and having great photographic memory(sometimes I wonder if I am too good at imagining), I see that clothed young woman as naked. And so I have moments when I give in, and then there are moments when I try to think of something else, and in some cases even rebuking the very thought in the name of Jesus. Then I have periods, where things quiet down. Say, there may be 2-3 days where I'm not watching any porn at all, or a whole week staying clean(which is rare for me), I guess I could call it. Or I get myself involved into porn so much, that it once again becomes a day-by-day, full-blown addiction. Many times I felt the Holy Spirit convicting me of it, and then I pretend not to listen. Worse case scenario, It's the enemy telling me that it's so hopeless I should just commit myself to porn, instead of going back to that walk of faith. It leads me astray from the faith, from the bible, to where I'm not even praying at all, thinking that I'm in such trouble that the Lord probably doesn't hear me out.
However, I recently returned back to the word, but it's a battle. I pray, but trying to get myself to pray is a battle. I try to get fully emersed into the faith again, but the stronger I do that, the hard the enemy hits back at me. I have had moments when I was extremely strong in the faith, but then that happens, the thirst for porn also gets stronger and stronger. Then, boom, I get back into the addiction cycle, and things looks bleak. I enjoy when I get turned on when thinking or watching something, it's almost like getting possessed by the flesh, then once the climactic high comes, shame comes and feel utterly disappointed. I don't want it, anymore.
I've been thinking about getting an accountability partner, but I'm not counting on it. No pun intended. Unless the right person shows up, through private messaging or e-mail or whatever. I definitely can't count on it in the region where I live. But that's why I found this forum.
I pretty much feel chained, you guys. I guess... I could use words of encouragement, perhaps advice, but especially prayer. Especially pray for the younger generation, and the generations to come. It's going to be a terrifyingly different world for them, than it is now.
But I do remember, that even before that, I actually got exposed to full-on hard core porn. Not by my own will, but because of a class mate. I must have been not older than 9, because I remember being in third grade in Dutch elementary school. She(about my age then), and her older sister(who was signifantly other than me and her), and I don't know how she pulled it off, but her older sister did rent a movie. I thought we were to rent a cartoon, like a Disney movie. I was wrong. Once the videotape, yes videotape, played on the TV set, I saw something that I could not forget, and I still have that image still vividly in my head. A guy and a girl doing whatever they do when things go hardcore. You guys and girls who suffer porn addiction like know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I consider that to be that first point where things kicked off. Like that first incident in a movie that kicks the story off to a whole new direction.
It did not take long before things inside my body took off at age 11-12. I gave it an inch, and the addiction seemed to go on for a mile. Hormones raged, and without much thinking, I already experimented on my own. Several years to come, and I won't make this into a giant post, turned into a full-blown addiction, especially when access to the internet became available in my mid-teens. In my late teens, when I hit my 18th-19th life year, I met girl on the web. We started chatting, then webcamming. Out of that blossomed into, in my opinion, a bad relationship. I mean, we started talking about sexual stuff. Not long after, the whole flashing and showing-off, sexually speaking, kicked off. Then, masturbation. Looking back, I realize how incredibly wrong and twisted that was. Yet at the time, my obssession grew more and more, and I don't really blame her, cause we were both at fault, and at the same time both victims of sin. Eventually, things got really out of hand, and I cut off my ties with her, after roughly 4 years of interaction.
But what went on then, just the porn addiction, the viewing of video material especially, still continues today. Accompanied by masturbation, which does make it much worse. It's been a couple of years or so since saved, calling out to Jesus for a new start. But the addiction, I call it a penny-less drug, available whenever without having to pay for it, it never really ceased.
Gosh, it is such a wretched thing. I admire women, they're beautiful quite frankly, and God made them beautiful. But when sin comes knocking at the door when I admire a normally clothed young woman, knowing she is made in the image of the Lord, it's like a switch then flips. Then, my mind being so creative and having great photographic memory(sometimes I wonder if I am too good at imagining), I see that clothed young woman as naked. And so I have moments when I give in, and then there are moments when I try to think of something else, and in some cases even rebuking the very thought in the name of Jesus. Then I have periods, where things quiet down. Say, there may be 2-3 days where I'm not watching any porn at all, or a whole week staying clean(which is rare for me), I guess I could call it. Or I get myself involved into porn so much, that it once again becomes a day-by-day, full-blown addiction. Many times I felt the Holy Spirit convicting me of it, and then I pretend not to listen. Worse case scenario, It's the enemy telling me that it's so hopeless I should just commit myself to porn, instead of going back to that walk of faith. It leads me astray from the faith, from the bible, to where I'm not even praying at all, thinking that I'm in such trouble that the Lord probably doesn't hear me out.
However, I recently returned back to the word, but it's a battle. I pray, but trying to get myself to pray is a battle. I try to get fully emersed into the faith again, but the stronger I do that, the hard the enemy hits back at me. I have had moments when I was extremely strong in the faith, but then that happens, the thirst for porn also gets stronger and stronger. Then, boom, I get back into the addiction cycle, and things looks bleak. I enjoy when I get turned on when thinking or watching something, it's almost like getting possessed by the flesh, then once the climactic high comes, shame comes and feel utterly disappointed. I don't want it, anymore.
I've been thinking about getting an accountability partner, but I'm not counting on it. No pun intended. Unless the right person shows up, through private messaging or e-mail or whatever. I definitely can't count on it in the region where I live. But that's why I found this forum.
I pretty much feel chained, you guys. I guess... I could use words of encouragement, perhaps advice, but especially prayer. Especially pray for the younger generation, and the generations to come. It's going to be a terrifyingly different world for them, than it is now.
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