A question to all husbands - please help!

akmom · Apr 8, 2016

kmrichard7 said:
That's very true but perhaps if he hasn't found someone by that time frame God has different plans for him.

No kidding. Does a man in his 50s or 60s have any business becoming a parent? True, women that age won't be able to carry a child. And men that age likely won't live to raise one. Men OR women that age have missed the boat, in my opinion, even if men still have the biological ability.

LinkH · Apr 8, 2016

To immature to get married because he is concerned his wife will look old if he marries a 30-something? Naah. I wouldn't say that. He's contemplating dating someone, so marriage and age is kind of a theoretical, hypothetical topic at this point. When you really get to know and love someone, their looks become less of an issue.

For me at least, when I was just looking for someone to date, looks were very important. If I were single now, they would be too, probably, even though I'm in my 40's. But after I really got to know my wife and see how wonderful she was, her looks-- though I appreciated them and still do--were less important.

When you are just thinking of dating someone, then sure, you can want someone with perfect teeth, perfect skin, a 9.5 or 10 for looks, or whatever. Some men are like that in terms of attraction. But you also need to be realistic and realize that we all have flaws, physical and otherwise, and be able and willing to mature in terms of actually loving someone in spite of their flaws. Love and commitment shouldn't be dependent on looks.

LinkH · Apr 9, 2016

akmom said:
No kidding. Does a man in his 50s or 60s have any business becoming a parent? True, women that age won't be able to carry a child. And men that age likely won't live to raise one. Men OR women that age have missed the boat, in my opinion, even if men still have the biological ability.

Abraham was well over 60 when he became a parent, and considered it a blessing from God. We don't know how old Boaz was, either.

A married man should be having sex with his wife if they both can, as part of being a husband. And sex can result in children. And if God blesses with a child, we should nurture the child (as opposing to murdering him/her at a vulnerable stage.) So I see a problem with your question.

For practical purposes it is good to have children when your younger, though.

Si_monfaith · Apr 9, 2016

draugr said:
Dear husbands,

I am struggling with a decision to make and I thought maybe if you could share your experience that might be helpful. Here's the story:

I am 33 years old and I am thinking of starting dating and then maybe marrying a girl I know. We like each other and there is a good intellectual and spiritual connection between us. However, I have a "physical" dilemma. As I decided to wait with having sex till marriage (and so far managed to), I am very excited by the fact that when I marry, I could finally start my sexual life and I am really looking forward to the pleasures it offers. Though I sticked to Christian life since my childhood, having grown up in a world that made sexual activity a god, I kind of soaked up with all this sexual hype. And thus I have really big expectations, perhaps too big... So here's my dilemma: the girl I mentioned is 34 years old. While I find her physically attractive now, I wonder if this will still be true in 5 years, because of aging of her body. Men are known to stay sexually fit at least till their 50-60's and so I am afraid that after a few years I would not find her physically attractive and it will be difficult for me to have sex with her. I am just worrying, that I end up as a frustrated husband which wouldn’t be good for her and for me.

So my questions to all you husbands are: how important for you, men, is sex in marriage? Is it of key importance? Has it the ‘power’ to outweigh the other aspects of marriage? What is your experience? Maybe I am just exaggerating the importance of it and/or having too big expectations?

I know all this may seem funny for you, but for me it's important, before I make a decision to start serious dating. Otherwise maybe I'll just look for a younger wife...

I would appreciate honest replies.
Thank you.

Jesus said he will do what u ask in his name. Why do u ask people's opinions on what to ask from Jesus. U ask what u want & he gives it. Perioth. Do not confuse yourself & never lessen ur expectations by looking at circumstances or your age. Luk to Jesus who can do anything for u. Has not he given himself to die for u?

Si_monfaith · Apr 9, 2016

People's words might make u ask for less. But luk to Jesus alone.

akmom · Apr 10, 2016

LinkH said:
Abraham was well over 60 when he became a parent, and considered it a blessing from God.

Yes, and his wife was in her 90s. How is that an example of an old man marrying a younger woman for the purpose of having children? Because Abraham actually did do that too (Hagar) and that didn't go so well. Why did you use that example?

LinkH said:
And if God blesses with a child, we should nurture the child (as opposing to murdering him/her at a vulnerable stage.)

We're talking about whether a 34-year-old woman is worth considering for marriage. No one is talking about murdering their offspring. Where did that come from??

LinkH · Apr 10, 2016

akmom said:
Yes, and his wife was in her 90s. How is that an example of an old man marrying a younger woman for the purpose of having children? Because Abraham actually did do that too (Hagar) and that didn't go so well. Why did you use that example?

Abraham was still over 60 in both cases. The Bible doesn't present old men having children as unethical. Boaz was probably quite bit older than youth. He commented that she hadn't gone for one of the younger men.

If the mother is old, too, being too old to raise kids is double a concern. That didn't keep Abraham or Sarah from having children.

We're talking about whether a 34-year-old woman is worth considering for marriage. No one is talking about murdering their offspring. Where did that come from??

I was commenting on a tangent in the thread about a man in his 50's or 60's having kids.

The idea that it is somehow wrong for guys in the 50's and 60's to have kids has some flaws in it. Reliable birth control methods have been around for 50 years are so, but 50 and 60 year olds have been married for much longer. If there are examples of righteous older men being married to child-bearing women, and married people aren't to sexually defraud one another, and if a wife gets pregnant, they are to keep and raise the baby, there is a flaw in the type of reasoning that says it is wrong for 50+ year old men to have kids.

LinkH · Apr 10, 2016

kmrichard7 said:
Not what I'm trying to do, I just hate hate hate how emphasis is put on age especially when he's concerned about the age of a woman his own age and only in her 30s. Extremely sexist, agist, and does nothing positive for the already weakened image of women. It drives me crazy that as I approach 30 I feel young and confident in my age but society and men like the original poster want to create an image that 30 is old. 30 is perfect. Old enough to be taken seriously but still young. Women are already having enough trouble adapting to age, the last thing we need are people with mindsets like the above.

Another way of looking at it is that our society has the wrong values, putting way too much emphasis on women being educated (so they can work at Walmart with their college degrees in women's studies and communications) instead of emphasizing the importance of motherhood. They spend their prime child-bearing years working on a career, and then expect to just get married at 30 and have a few kids before it's too late.

What's even worse is when women throw away their virginity and have multiple sex partners (typically men who also don't value sexual purity), and then expect some guy to 'man up' at 30 and marry her after she's been used by a bunch of other guys.

If women marry at 22, a 30-year-old guy established in his career makes sense. If the plan is for her to be a stay-at-home mom, him having already worked a while and gotten established is a plus for her. It's a good match-up. The man being just a bit older works out okay for a lot of reasons in a number of cases.

If a 30-year-old man wants to marry a 22-year-old woman whose a bit younger and more energetic for child-bearing, that's up to him. That may be a wise thing to do. But if he does want to do that, it's going to be hard. A lot of the young women are off experimenting with young guys and working toward getting their education so they can build up their careers.

akmom · Apr 10, 2016

It may be an advantage only if the older man "established in his career" isn't already paying out child support to multiple mothers. Although young women who have "experimented" are more obvious, because they tend to take responsibility for the children produced, there are just as many young men "experimenting" and then starting over in their 30s and 40s with young wives and respectable-looking families. That non-custodial role is more private, so you may not see it, but older men are just as likely to have baggage as older women, and it brings challenges to their new family too.

You might note that having two college-educated parents significantly improves a family's socioeconomic status, the children's success in school, and the likelihood of those children getting a higher education. An educated mother brings a measurable benefit to a family. They are worth more than just their childbearing years.

LinkH · Apr 12, 2016

akmom said:
It may be an advantage only if the older man "established in his career" isn't already paying out child support to multiple mothers. Although young women who have "experimented" are more obvious, because they tend to take responsibility for the children produced, there are just as many young men "experimenting" and then starting over in their 30s and 40s with young wives and respectable-looking families. That non-custodial role is more private, so you may not see it, but older men are just as likely to have baggage as older women, and it brings challenges to their new family too.

Fornication brings with it a lot of social problems. If a man abstains from fornication until he is 30 and is established in his career and wants to marry a 23 year old who is still young and fertile, there are advantages both ways.

You might note that having two college-educated parents significantly improves a family's socioeconomic status, the children's success in school, and the likelihood of those children getting a higher education. An educated mother brings a measurable benefit to a family. They are worth more than just their childbearing years.

If receiving higher education is seen as the goal, that may be an argument for having two college-educated parents. But it may be worth taking a bit of a hit in socio-economic status to have a stay-at-home mom. The college-educated aren't more moral necessary. A lot of them are baby daddies and baby mommas, too, or would be if it hadn't been legal to kill the babies.

Tropical Wilds · Apr 18, 2016

Frankly, I think you are putting the cart before the horse. Asking yourself if a girl you're not engaged to, or have even had a first date with, is still a girl you'd find pretty enough to want to have sex with after she ages 5 years is like getting a convertible before you buy a lottery ticket on the assumption you will win.

Go on a date with the girl and have a relationship before you start superimposing her into your sex life 5 years from now.

As an aside... In 5 years I doubt she'll have aged significantly and she won't be old. If you are genuinely concerned that you will find her too old and ugly to have sex with and/or be aroused by, that is 100% on you and your hang-ups, not hers or what society has "programmed you" to. It means either she isn't the one or, more likely, you're as ready for marriage as a fish is ready to go to the moon. Since your chances of finding a woman who looks like a nubile 20-something even while collecting retirement are slim-to-none, I'd refocus on how you view women and sex sooner rather than later, otherwise marriage is going to be a challenge for you. Sex isn't just about how your partner looks and just as she will age, so will you. If you would be appalled at somebody who is considering going out with you asking how it's possible to want to have sex with you after you look less like Chris Pratt and more like Chris Cooper, maybe stop thinking about what your future wife can do to stalk the aging process to appease your libido and worry more about learning how to be a good partner who attracts a similarly good partner with more to offer than looks.

Signed,

The college-educated woman with one child, two step kids, her own career and business, who had copious amounts of premarital sex, and is in her mid-30s

LinkH · Apr 18, 2016

To the OP, if you don't think there is a chance you'll be attracted enough to this woman to want to marry her, don't date her.

At some point, you'll have to realize that there is something deeper to love than looking good and not aging and looking old. But if a woman doesn't fit what you are looking for for age or looks, there are plenty of other women. A woman needs a man who really appreciates her.

Si_monfaith · Apr 22, 2016

Do not lose hope brother. God will grant your desire as per 1 kings 1:1-3 for the sake of His Son who loved us till death. God's love never changes.

Sundown · Apr 25, 2016

draugr said:
Dear husbands,

I am struggling with a decision to make and I thought maybe if you could share your experience that might be helpful. Here's the story:

I am 33 years old and I am thinking of starting dating and then maybe marrying a girl I know. We like each other and there is a good intellectual and spiritual connection between us. However, I have a "physical" dilemma. As I decided to wait with having sex till marriage (and so far managed to), I am very excited by the fact that when I marry, I could finally start my sexual life and I am really looking forward to the pleasures it offers. Though I sticked to Christian life since my childhood, having grown up in a world that made sexual activity a god, I kind of soaked up with all this sexual hype. And thus I have really big expectations, perhaps too big... So here's my dilemma: the girl I mentioned is 34 years old. While I find her physically attractive now, I wonder if this will still be true in 5 years, because of aging of her body. Men are known to stay sexually fit at least till their 50-60's and so I am afraid that after a few years I would not find her physically attractive and it will be difficult for me to have sex with her. I am just worrying, that I end up as a frustrated husband which wouldn’t be good for her and for me.

So my questions to all you husbands are: how important for you, men, is sex in marriage? Is it of key importance? Has it the ‘power’ to outweigh the other aspects of marriage? What is your experience? Maybe I am just exaggerating the importance of it and/or having too big expectations?

I know all this may seem funny for you, but for me it's important, before I make a decision to start serious dating. Otherwise maybe I'll just look for a younger wife...

I would appreciate honest replies.
Thank you.

A love between a man and a woman produces marriage and when a man and a woman get married they vow to each other, most important they are making those vows in the presence of God's, in accordance to his view of marriage. So, my question to you, is her being attractive more important to you than your love and the vows that you make to her in marriage? If it is, then I recommend not get married because you will whined up in divorce and hurting her. Also, if you condition your mind to think the way you are thinking it will generate divorce.

It appears you have your views backwards, you are putting attraction and sex to be the base of holding a marriage. You better tell her this and let her give her inputs, give up the opportunity to make a decision and if she dumps you is because of your selfishness.

The above might sound harsh, but take it as an encouragement to do the right thing and get married for the right reason, which should be because of love.

Si_monfaith · Apr 28, 2016

Adam did not give any vows to eve. God never expects it becz he sees the faithfulness of his Son & not man's faithfulness to bless us.

Mudinyeri · May 9, 2016

The concern over physical attraction, especially to a 33 year-old virgin, seems legitimate to me. You're nearly middle age and have never had sex. You have no idea what drives sex or what makes sex exceptional. We'll let that dog lie for the moment.

To suggest, however, that physical attractiveness has no relevance to attraction ... I believe is intellectually dishonest. Who among us, with the option to choose between two otherwise identical life mates, would choose the uglier of the two?

Sure, age has its effects. That doesn't mean we can't fight them with a good, clean diet and plenty of exercise. Will a few extra pounds add up over the years? Of course. Does that mean we have to "let ourselves go"? Absolutely not. A part of my commitment to my wife (and hers to me) is to stay as healthy and attractive as possible. At 51 years of age, I still have visible abdominal muscles. My pecs have not sagged and my belly does not hang over my belt.

If physical fitness, body image, or whatever you want to call it, is important to you, have a loving discussion with your potential mate. Make a commitment similar to the one that my wife and I made. Hold to it as strongly as any other marital commitment.

Si_monfaith · May 20, 2016

Mudinyeri said:
The concern over physical attraction, especially to a 33 year-old virgin, seems legitimate to me. You're nearly middle age and have never had sex. You have no idea what drives sex or what makes sex exceptional. We'll let that dog lie for the moment.

To suggest, however, that physical attractiveness has no relevance to attraction ... I believe is intellectually dishonest. Who among us, with the option to choose between two otherwise identical life mates, would choose the uglier of the two?

Sure, age has its effects. That doesn't mean we can't fight them with a good, clean diet and plenty of exercise. Will a few extra pounds add up over the years? Of course. Does that mean we have to "let ourselves go"? Absolutely not. A part of my commitment to my wife (and hers to me) is to stay as healthy and attractive as possible. At 51 years of age, I still have visible abdominal muscles. My pecs have not sagged and my belly does not hang over my belt.

If physical fitness, body image, or whatever you want to call it, is important to you, have a loving discussion with your potential mate. Make a commitment similar to the one that my wife and I made. Hold to it as strongly as any other marital commitment.

Fighting ageing with diet & exercise? Why not the gracious promises of God given only for the sake of His Son?

Paidiske · May 20, 2016

My honest reaction - okay, part of it, anyway - is to ask whether you want children?

Because never mind aging, you want to talk about what changes a woman's body, pregnancy, child bearing and breast feeding are right up there, and you might not have to wait five years to find out about it.

Mudinyeri · May 20, 2016

Si_monfaith said:
Fighting ageing with diet & exercise? Why not the gracious promises of God given only for the sake of His Son?

A. Because our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and we're instructed to take care of it.

B. I don't know of any promise from God that fights aging.

Are you against eating healthfully and exercising? Do you feel it is a sin to keep yourself in good physical condition?

farout · May 20, 2016

draugr said:
Dear husbands,

I am struggling with a decision to make and I thought maybe if you could share your experience that might be helpful. Here's the story:

I am 33 years old and I am thinking of starting dating and then maybe marrying a girl I know. We like each other and there is a good intellectual and spiritual connection between us. However, I have a "physical" dilemma. As I decided to wait with having sex till marriage (and so far managed to), I am very excited by the fact that when I marry, I could finally start my sexual life and I am really looking forward to the pleasures it offers. Though I sticked to Christian life since my childhood, having grown up in a world that made sexual activity a god, I kind of soaked up with all this sexual hype. And thus I have really big expectations, perhaps too big... So here's my dilemma: the girl I mentioned is 34 years old. While I find her physically attractive now, I wonder if this will still be true in 5 years, because of aging of her body. Men are known to stay sexually fit at least till their 50-60's and so I am afraid that after a few years I would not find her physically attractive and it will be difficult for me to have sex with her. I am just worrying, that I end up as a frustrated husband which wouldn’t be good for her and for me.

So my questions to all you husbands are: how important for you, men, is sex in marriage? Is it of key importance? Has it the ‘power’ to outweigh the other aspects of marriage? What is your experience? Maybe I am just exaggerating the importance of it and/or having too big expectations?

I know all this may seem funny for you, but for me it's important, before I make a decision to start serious dating. Otherwise maybe I'll just look for a younger wife...

I would appreciate honest replies.
Thank you.

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