A question about transracial adoption

[OnederWoman]

When we married 9 years ago we from the beginning knew we'd one day adopt. Now we are thinking the time may have come. Over the holidays our hearts were touched with concern for all the children in the world who need a family and we started praying about if now is the time to adopt for us. We found a specific child on our states dhs adoption site. He is a 6 year old black child with allergies and a heart mermur. He does have siblings, 2 older (who are in a seperate foster family due to emotional problems) and one younger (a 4 year old girl). We are not feeling like we can or should adopt the others... due to house size, income and just knowing what we can and cannot handle. We think that the youngest may have a chance on her own and that people may be scared of taking all or even 2 siblings because of the one with the heart murmer. Heart mermurs aren't always a big deal, but people may see that and be scared away from it. DH's Dad was born with a heart condition and this in part is why we think we feel drawn to the child. And, having an allergy child of our own, we are already very broken in to dealing with allergy and asthma issues. DH is gung hoe and all for it, but I have some practical concerns. For one, the area we live in is predominantly white... 95% at last census (though the area is growing quickly and slowly becoming more racially diverse). There are not yet any black children at ds's school. A teenager I know (who does office work at my chiropractors) says there are only 3 black kids at her highschool, there are a handful of asians and indians and a good number of hispanics there. There is a little more diversity in a nearby city (20 minutes away) so, though we can't move there (just having bought this house 2 months ago) we may look for a racially diverse church (or a black church) there. Then there is the extended family... none would purposefully say anything mean to a black child and would most likely do their best to be accepting, but they do have prejudices and it may affect their ability to be as open and welcoming as we might hope for. (though we would pray for their hearts to change and for them to see that racism isn't something God approves of). We are not willing to break realationships with our family... and an article I read at adoption.com about transracial families and dealing with extended family said we shouldn't, and that families can work and thrive despite outside prejudices. Then there is the fact that we have been trying to get pregnant for 7 months (I don't think I'm pg this month either, but I don't know until next week when af is due). I've really wanted to get pg for this past year and we've talked about us putting that on hold until we go through adopting and our little family grows by one and has time to adjust first. But it kinda makes me sad to put trying on hold. But then there are some positive points to waiting. Since I've been on Prometrium the past few months I've really been dropping some pounds.... and people are noticing. It feels good to be losing weight and dh and I are talking about the benefits of waiting so I can continue to lose weight and be as healthy as possible before I do get pg. I am scheduled to start clomid in January, but we can hold it off if we decide to. I'm not O-ing with Prometrium and Glucophage (I have PCOS), but the combo seems to be just what I need to be able to lose weight and maybe with dropping some pounds I can O without clomid? We are looking at waiting 6-8 months before actively ttc again. I just think how in 6 months I'll be 31 and how awfully old that is

But, not being pg while going through the process of adoption would help with stress levels (with ds I have preeclampsia and mil is concerned for my health). I just want to whatever is Gods will for me and my family. When dh and I were discouraged with some of the responces from family and almost gave up the idea altogether I began to get really sad and feel almost like I'm losing a child and leaving him to the harsh world to fend for himself. Even ds, who at first was excited (he's been asking fro a brother for 2 years) and then got concerned that we might love the new kid better or that the new kid might take all his toys turned around when we told him we may not adopt after all. He almost cried and said that he loved the boy and wanted him as his brother.

Some thoughts, opinions and suggestions are welcomed.

 

[lucypevensie]

thoughts and opinions: I have no problem with inter-racial adoptions. But I think it would be sad to split one child from his siblings. Of course it is harder to find a family for a group of siblings but it is not impossible.

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

This is a tough one...

I thought of this in terms of what I would want for my child if I could not take care of her. Firstly, if I had other children, I'd want them to be together. A close second would be that the children were staying with a loving Christian family but immediately behind that would be the fact that the children - whilst respecting other cultures - had a firm understanding and pride of who they are culturally.

The only way imo, for this to happen would be for the children to be in a home which shares similar cultural habits/experiences as my own. I guess the reason why I say this is the fact that with my husband being American I can see distinct cultural differences between ourselves although we're the same race. I've had to learn more about his culture, as he has had to do with mine. I do feel strongly that our child needs to learn about both her heritages and that is a challenge for me with just a cultural difference. I'd imagine the challenge to be greater if the child was also a different race (as well as the cultural implications).

I, personally, would not do it but I will pray that the L-rd guides you on this

 

[Kathleenb]

We have two birth kids. (caucasian parents & kids)
Adopted 4 Hispanic kids 4.5 years ago.

Race/nationality has never been an issue. Once the kids were there, all our families accepted them as family. I think I would trust my judgment on family - if the kid is a loveable kid (and, frankly, some kids AREN'T very loveable, depending on what they've been thru), your family may very well be able to look at him and see HIM and not his color and it will never be an issue.

We've never lived anywhere with a high Hispanic population, but we've never encountered any issues. Then again, we homeschool.

Adoption agencies may have an issue withyou trying to get pregnant while in the process of adoption.

I've also never been huge into worrying about their heritage and making sure they identified with that. They're Americans, they're Christians, they're my family, and they're loved. I don't rule out experiences related to their heritage, but I don't go way out of my way to find them, either. Hey, I'm Irish and German way back, but I don't gout out of my way for those experiences, either. We eat menudo from time to time, and some other dishes they liked when little and in foster care, but I look on that as a family heritage, not a racial/ethnic heritage.

You need to PRAY. You also need to consider, with any child, if his potential behaviors are acceptable in your family (e.g., will he endanger any children already in your home).

As far as other related siblings, it's probably not up to you to decide if you will take them or not. Most adoption workers will make a plan as to who gets adopted when and whether that's in a group or singly, or if the prospective parents should be willing to adopt the other kids when they're ready. Ours had three other siblings that at the time were with various b-dad families (one b-mom, 4 b-dads total for all 7 kids).

Just my thoughts and experiences.

 

[Child of The King]

I have to agree with Kathleenb. I've also had two bio children and have adopted 4. One black baby and three C/AA. We live in a predominant white area and have had no problems at all. We didn't go looking for a black church as ours is a very loving church family and have welcomed all of our children. Children are children. God loves them all equally. Have we come up with our children noticing they're different. Yes. We simply explain that God made them special and that we are all different. I go to my bio children's eyes. They are a different color from mine but we love them even if they do have different color eyes, hair, skin etc. ( Of course, my baby girl thinks you turn "chocolate" from taking baths ) Anyway, as far as "heritage" .... if it becomes important for them at a future date then that's something you can deal with then. As with all children, don't try to guess what issues will be there with them as they grow; we just take them as they come. My bio children may wish to know where their ancestors came from at a later date but I have no concern so we'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it. As a Christian, My ancestory goes back to Noah Feel free to get in touch with me if you need to talk farther. If you feel led to adopt......... go for it. My first AA baby was literally an answer to prayer but that's another story. May God richly bless you.
Tammy

 

[E-beth]

I went to a Christian school growing up that was predominantly caucasian. The black kids would be sprinkled throughout their peer friend groups, and a few stuck together. But there weren't ever any racial divisions. Of course that was a million years ago too.

If you do adopt this little boy, could you maybe keep him in touch with his bio siblings? The separation of the family is the only concern I have as well.

If any child is raised with enough love, it doesn't matter what rude people may say to him. Especially if he knows he was "chosen.".

 

[Loki]

I was adopted from Korea by white parents. And I'm more or less okay with that, and definitely offer words of encouragement should you go ahead with the adoption, but I think I have a unique perspective, since I have grown up in white communities.

Children can be cruel. I remember crying countless times because mean kids would call me names. And it's really only stopped since I enrolled at Michigan, which is almost notoriously diverse. It's just not okay to fake Chinese at random Asians, or make fun of the shape of our eyes.

I always wanted to be white, more than anything else. I thought it was cruelly unfair that I had to be Asian, and didnt' want anything to do with it. And still, I consider myself ethnically white, since my parents are most definitely descendents of europeans. But.... this has resulted in me not quite fitting in anywhere. I don't fit in with the Asians because I wasn't raised in the culture, and because of that, I simply lack the common background. I don't speak the language, and for the most part, they ignore me. But also, I don't fit in with a lot of the whites here, eventhough I feel like I act "white." Granted, there are many open-minded people who are colorblind, but there are many people who do notice race and ethnicity.

That being said, I don't mean to dissuade you from doing so, I just wanted to give you an idea of what may go through the child's mind.

 

[E-beth]

You know Loki, there was a Korean girl at my college who was a very good friend and I was always so jealous of her beautiful skin and her GORGEOUS eyes. No matter what anyone said when you were a kid, I think Asian women are most lovely.