A Question about sex

[bobster]

Hello all, i am new to this forum, and i apologize for not being very good at formulating myself, i hope you can bear with me, because i feel i need some help regarding this issue.


I have been married for 2 years now, with a woman i feel God gave me. For years i was alone only with God, feeling "why don't you give ME someone". and then in september 2001, i meet a wonderfull woman. as soon as i saw here i feelt that this must be it, God has sent her to me.

We where togheter for about 6 months before we decided to get married. we did not have sex during this time, because both of our strong christian beliefs, that it is someting sacred, and we wanted to wait.

We married april 2002, and it was wonderfull. i feelt that my life was complete, i had the Lord and my Wife.

I am a very shy person, so really don't know how to formulate myself here, but to try to make it as simple as possible, my wife did not seem to want sex with me. she obeys me as she should, and no other then the Lord tells here what to do, but i feel that i do not want to force here to sex. she seem to do do it if i ask here, but it is like. it is like sleeping with someone whom does not want to. she seems disgusted by it. i once asked her for oral sex, and she said it was against Gods will, and she would not do it. After that she laid down and told me to "get it over with". This made me feel like a rapist.

I do not know what to do, and i do not know what i should think. I pray to God each day, but it feels emty, please give me some guidance.

Bob Ligerian

 

[Pcarpenter:)]

I'm really sorry about what your going through. Have you discussed how you feel with your wife?
There are a number of reasons why she may have this attitude towards sex.
1. She had a bad sexual experience in the past.
2. She was raised thinking sex is nasty and violating (I know someone who feels that way)
3. She isn't getting satisfied.
I'm sure there's more reasons but I can't think of any right now!

The best piece of advise I can give you is to first pray....then talk to her and tell her exactly what you just posted.

 

[Tangnefedd]

she obeys me as she should,

I can't believe I am reading that! A marriage is a partnership for heavens sake, she should not have to obey you! Forcing her to have sex is rape. Discuss with her why she doesnt want sex, maybe it is painful, or she has had an unpleasant experience before she met you. It sounds as if you both need counselling.

 

[bobster]

 

[bobster]

I can't believe I am reading that! A marriage is a partnership for heavens sake, she should not have to obey you!

According to the bible, a wife should obey her husband,

Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the saviour of the body. Ephesians 5:21-23

You might not follow the bible, but i do, as i feel it is appropriate for a good christian. I do not look down on my wife in any way, but i feel she should obey me, as according to the bible.

 

[brokenbananas]

I am married. Both my husband and I are Bible-believing and practicing Christians. My husband is very respectful of me as a person, and in the end, I submit to his authority as head of our household and marriage. My husband does not rule with an iron fist, nor is he demanding. He is a strong, confident man; however, he knows that if he tries to "rule" or "lord" over me, he comes under great resistance and it leads in great strife between us. There is a humbleness about how my husband is the head of our household, and it sometimes is hard to submit, since I am a strong-willed woman.

I wouldn't say I "obey" my husband, rather we work together at resolving conflicts, if we should have them. My husband values my opinions, thoughts, & feelings. In large and sometimes small matters, he'll have the final say. But, ultimately, God has given him the authority and he is accountable for our marriage & family.

My husband actually leads by serving and with a servant's heart. He leads by example and does a great deal of sacrificing. It's with this kind of leadership that breaks down my strong-willed attitude. Christ washed his disciples feet and he was the ultimate at serving. Don't take that verse out of context.

What you may feel that you are to your wife, she may not understand it that way. For example, you think you are kind and thoughtful, but she feels you are demanding and not listening to her. There are many things that make a good marriage, but they are unique to each couple. Someone had suggested counseling or going to your pastor. Those are some suggestions. I would make sure to find a good Christian marriage counselor grounded in the Word of God and a counselor who has a successful marraige. Another thing is to find a mentor couple who has a good, godly marriage and have been married for awhile.

There are also books out there by Gary Smalley, John Trent, James Dobson, Randy Carlson, H. Norman Wright, etc. There are many Christian authors that talk about relationships, marriage, sex, etc.

 

[TCapp]

Not wanting to start an argument, but obedience and submission are different ideas.

It also says in the Bible believers should "submit to each other in the fear of God." I really don't think that translates that believers should be obeying each other.

There is a mutual submission that Christians owe one to another, be willing to bear one another’s burdens: not advancing themselves above others, nor domineering over one another and giving laws to one another.

You might also notice, too, that the Bible says "Wives, submit...etc." It addresses the wife, not the husband. Unless you are the wife, that verse does not pertain to you. It does not say "Husbands, insist that your wives submit..etc."

Once again, I'm not trying to be combative or obnoxious or anything. Just trying to be friendly and state my concern on that one particular statement.

 

[Momzilla]

I suggest you sit her down and have an honest talk with her, and really try to listen to what she tells you about her feelings about sex. Then, go from there. You may need counselling, maybe not. It may be something as simple as her not understanding that sex in the context of marriage is not "dirty", but rather an important form of union.

I wish you the best in working this out.

 

[TCapp]

I agree that communication seems to be called for. In a non-accusatory way. Make "I" statements instead of "you" statements. Perhaps she does not feel loved in the way that speaks to her the most, even though you show her love.

You might (for example) feel most loved when you are touched in a loving manner. Perhaps that is not her love language, and it doesn't speak love to her. My primary love language is quality time. My husband's primary love language seems to be words of affirmation. We have to learn each other's language in order to communicate our love in ways that speaks volumes to our mate.

In another example, the love language that is on the bottom of my list is gift giving/receiving. I mean, I like it and all, but it just doesn't get me going.

Just trying to offer my thoughts. God bless.

 

[IslandBreeze]

Some women are hateful to their husbands about sex, and try to withold it and do other manipulating acts against their husbands. I'd definitely sit down and have a talk with her and figure out what the problem is.

 

[bobster]

 

[bobster]

Some women are hateful to their husbands about sex, and try to withold it and do other manipulating acts against their husbands. I'd definitely sit down and have a talk with her and figure out what the problem is.

I do not know if it is anything like that, i hope not. But she does have sex with me when i ask her, and i say ASK... But i don't know, im going to try to talk to her about all this togheter with my pastor.

 

[geocajun]

bobster, I suggest you stop having sex until she wants to have sex. I realize this isn't easy, but sex is a 2-way does have a unitive aspect which it sounds like your marriage might be lacking.
Its hard to give any sound advice based on the little bit of information you gave us, but it sounds to me like your wife does not feel respected.
This is something a very expensive night on the town might go a long way toward resolving. make sure there is lots of laughter, and no one but the two of you on this date.
Tell her about it 2 weeks in advance and build it up so there is lots of anticipation too.
thats how I would do it anyway

after that, your gonna have to keep her happyness afloat and that is an art.

Something I always remind myself, is that I work very hard to be successful at my job, and no less is required of me in my marriage. We cannot just come home and expect our family to run smoothly all by itself. Its a lot of work.
I hope that helps

 

[jenptcfan]

I do not know if it is anything like that, i hope not. But she does have sex with me when i ask her, and i say ASK... But i don't know, im going to try to talk to her about all this togheter with my pastor.

So when you ask her for sex, and she complies, you feel like she doesn't really want to, she's just doing it because she feels obligated? And yet you have sex with her anyway at those times?

When she said "let's just get this over with" about having sex with you that time you mentioned, did you stop and say "no, let's talk about this", or did you just go ahead and have sex with her?

Nothing will make a woman feel used like a man KNOWING there's something keeping her from wanting to have sex and then ignoring that and having sex anyway. Nothing will drive a wedge into all aspects of a relationship like a woman feeling she's being used sexually.

You have an obligation as her husband to look out for her best interest: emotionally, physically, yes even sexually. My guess is that she feels like you only want to have sex for your own pleasure and that you don't care that it makes her uncomfortable--you're willing to overlook that so you can be pleased. This may not be true, I can just imagine that being her frame of mind.

Other factors that come to mind:

1. Do you go out of your way to please her sexually? I'm not going to get graphic, but I think you can understand.

2. Is there a lack of foreplay? If so, sex can be physically painful for a woman sometimes and might seem as if sex has less meaning in her eyes.

3. Outside of the bedroom are you romantic and loving toward her throughout the day and not just a few minutes before you want to get intimate?

 

[TCapp]

^^^^^ Good points.

 

[PrNcSsChRmNg91]

Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the saviour of the body. Ephesians 5:21-23

You might not follow the bible, but i do, as i feel it is appropriate for a good christian. I do not look down on my wife in any way, but i feel she should obey me, as according to the bible.

According to the bible, you need to obey your wife as well. As I remember correctly the verse does state that all Christians are to submit unto each other and therefore it has meaning in a marriage as well. The Bible doesn't specifically state that the husbands are to submit to their wives, but they have to submit or "obey" in your case as well.

Anyways back on the topic. I definitely think you should talk to your wife, communication is key to a marriage, and maybe talk it over with your priest or counseler!

 

[charligirl]

According to the bible, a wife should obey her husband,

You might not follow the bible, but i do, as i feel it is appropriate for a good christian. I do not look down on my wife in any way, but i feel she should obey me, as according to the bible.

If you are speaking about Ephesians 5 then you had better remember the second part of that scripture... she submits to you (which is a voluntary thing that the woman offers by the way and NEVER to be demanded by the man ever! and isn't to be confused with blind obedience)... and you are to love her as christ loves the church... I would challenge you to examine yourself and see if you are doing your bit!

From what you are saying she obviously has a huge problem with sex, as others have said there could be a number of reasons for this, jenptcfan had a great point, if she is unwilling and you are going ahead when you know she is not enjoying it that will just make is 100x worse.

You need to talk to her, I hope your pastor has some good advice, if this is not an area he has much revelation on perhaps a qualified christian counsellor would help.

I pray that you resolve this together.

 

[mpshiel]

Bobster, I agree with most everyone. I would recommend she get some counselling from a female cousellor (probably not a Christian one - as people tend to get very defensive about sexual issues and often feel they are being judged). I don't know but it sounds likes she may not be able to "own" her sexuality especially if she doesn't talk about her desires and needs sexually. And as you have frustrations, couselling might be a good place for you to explore your desires and expectations too.

As to the "obey" thing. You can (with a certain belief system) make someone obey you, but you can't make them love obeying you. It sounds like you might have to choose one or the other - the love or the obey. If you really want to know what your wife feels, you'll have to expect that it may tell you things that are uncomfortable or that your relationship is going to change.

Oh yes, as to the oral sex and stuff. As people get more comfortable with each other sexually, they become more experimentive over time. It is really a) whether there is a place of common security and arousal and b) time. When I was married my spouse wouldn't have Rodin's scupture "the kiss" in the house, because it was "pornographic". This year my spouse wanted to go see the original scupture and loves Rodin.

 

[Whitestone]

Psalm 1:1 Blessed is the man Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly,...

If you are going to get counseling make sure they are Christian counsel of some sort.

From what I have read Bobster it sounds like your communication with your wife is missing something. I once heard a preacher say that communication to a relationship is like blood to the body. They both have to keep circulating for things to stay healthy.

Whitestone

 

[peterc]

the "she obeys" thing is the first sign that there is a problem. I think you should resolve your power issue than worry about the sex.