I hope you all won't be angry or disappointed with me, but I'm strongly considering reconciling with the Orthodox Church. The point of me saying this in here is that a little bit ago I was doing some reading on Fr Seraphim Rose about his death at 48 years old. He should one day be a saint, however he died young from a blood clot in a vein to his intestines. He had been in pain for several days. Surgery revealed a lot of dead tissue. He went into a coma, and never woke up, ultimately passing away. Many people prayed for his recovery, even as far away as the monks on Mount Athos. Going back to my OP where I shared some horrible things that happened to people while I'm currently suffering from this, making me question why I would ever be worthy of God's healing when I am nothing but a horrific sinner, that thought is much more strong now. Fr Seraphim Rose was so much more than my terrible self. If he didn't receive healing, it makes me feel like there is no way I could possibly receive God's grace here. I do have faith, I pray about this a lot, but this is a nagging feeling and thought I cannot shake. I am a wretched man, nothing special at all, hardly deserving of God's grace or mercy. In a world in which children are shot dead and holy fathers die young of terrible emergencies, what hope is there for a turd like me? Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. And why am I so anxious and scared? If I had faith, the prospect of death and illness would mean nothing. Therefore I can't possibly trust and love God as much as I think I do. I am a terrible sinner. Lord, have mercy.