A Lonely Secret

[LoneFox]

Hello.
I want to make this short. I don't have much time. My father will be gome anytime. Sorry if this is blunt.

I'm 15 years old, turning 16 in June, and I'm a white, male american. That's all you need to know of me personally.

*deep breath...* I touch, I'm addicted to gay porn/hentai/yiff, more so the yiff than anything. I am not sure if any of you know what that is, but I will not go into detail. I've had this problem for more than 2 years, and I don't know when I'll stop.

My story:
When I was young, I was curious and innocent boy. I had been curious about male and female stuff. For some reason, I was more into myself, and then into trying to find out how other boys were like.
I was maybe 9 or 10 when I had my cousin over. He and I played video games together, and he was trouble-making kid. He always was fidgety and wanted to go outside and ride bikes and tear things up. Well, we were in the house and my parents were off doing something. We had gone under the cover in my room and looked at eachother's privates. We touched one another and played with eachother, as if we were playing with action figures or dolls. Kind of weird? You bet. I knew what we were doing was wrong, but I didn't think too much of it or thought it was that bad.

Later, we went to the bathroom at the same time a coulple times, messed around more, and then we forgot my bathroom door's lock was broken. My father came in on us. The first thing I did was run crying from the bathroom into my room and laid there. I was always afraid of getting in trouble, because I told my parents EVERYTHING all the time.

My dad did not punish me. My dad merely forgave me and told me that he was proud he told me about it then to hide it. But the thing is, he found out first. I didn't tell him directly... I admited it.

Anyways, ever since then I haven't seen my cousin. Well, actually I talked to him on the phone once, and I asked him about coming over. I told him not to do that ''thing'' we did with me. He said "What thing?" and I kept trying to elaborate without really saying it. He still played like he was dumb...

The years after, I've always been interested in other guys' parts. I didn't know about homosexuallity at all. I just thought it was cool to look at it, I guess. I'm not entirely sure and I don't want to lie about anything or misconcieve what I may have been thinking at the time.

Sumo Wrestlers stuff was something I felt I NEEDED to see. Thankfully I didn't. I just imagined it in my head when I went to watch a channel that had it on.

Big guys, older guys, the one's that are fatter than a train; I looked at them all and wondered about this: since they're big, they're stuff must be big, right?

Well, pft. I was wrong.

A year or two later I discovered masturbation. I interperted it as oral on your ownself. I found out it's actually pleasing yourself without need of a partner. I played with myself at night all the time, and one time I tested my limits. I tightened myself up, and kept going at it for an hour. And then...the feeling. The pleasure. The mess. Oh God, the mess. I had thought I just went all over myself! But luckily I stopped it with my hands and ran to the bathroom late at night real fast, holding it, and when I released it in the toilet... It was the most weirdest and ugliest thing I had ever seen come out of my body since the 13-14 years of my life.

Then it got worse.

And worse.

And worse.


I began to look at nasty images online. I had before looked at them, but never before did I know how to mas. I did while looking at them. And...the feelings were tremendous.

Then guilt came along, right when I got down to seeing all the gay sites. I looked at stuff I had NEVER dreamed of ever seeing before!

I felt lucky. Then I felt like it was a dark secret needed to stay in me.

I did it all the time, almost everyday, everytime I got a chance, it was wonderful.

But guilt came. And came. And soon my father...

Found out.

I saw a folder on my desktop one sunday morning, and it said "SICK". My...my heart stopped. I looked inside and saw... all the pictures I had looked at before. All the nasty disgusting things.

I was trembling.

I went to try to go online, to fix the errors. But all I got was that my pages had been blocked. Every site I wanted besides yahoo or other safe site was blocked (I MEAN EVERY ONE OF THEM) through use of IE's content advisor.

I got scared, I wept, and then I tried to change it, but couldn't. I tried deleting internet files that weren't there. Then I deleted the SICK folder.

I then knew it was my dad who did it. He was laying in bed. I knew he had gotten up earlier that morning. I ran outside, weeping, and cried while I let my dogs off, thinking "I'm so dead..."

Soon, I came in and started to type a letter to dad, and printed it off. It included stuff like me never doing it again, swearing on the bible that I would quit, telling my dad that I was NOT GAY.

The whole time my fingers felt like they were falling off, I was shaking so bad.

Then, I laid it outside on my table, and folded it, and named it DAD. I told mom to leave it there and dont read it. I went to my bed and cried in my pillows, guilt-trodden.

Later after what seemed to be HOURS of crying, my dad asked me to come with him. I almost knew for certain my mom may have read the letter. My Dad knew what it was. He took me to the store. Mom was frantic wondering what was going on since I'd been crying so much. My Dad said that he had just gotten mad at me or something to that effect. He saved me the grief of Mom's knowing of this.

Then, we drove to the store, and he talked to me. The whole time I was crying, admitting what I had done, most of it, not so detailed, but generally. And he knew. He knew... And he told me that my guilt was enough punishment, that he didn't need to take my computer or games away, that he didn't need to ground me, even after all the stuff I told him he could do. I even suggesting going to church every single sunday. (since my dad was beginning to get into the word of God more and more)

When all this was finished and done, life went on. I stopped all this mas and porn and nasty images for ... 3 weeks?

Then it clicked off again. I started it. AGAIN. This time, more discreet, more cautious. I did it while they were gone, while they were out for what, 20 minuites. I even did it while my Dad played Resident Evil 4 in my bedroom.

I had a word vomit to my Dad one day after hearing so much about how bad porn is for your kids and stuff, and after all the times he asked me that heart-wrencing question; ARE YOU BEING GOOD?

*nod. nod.*

After trying to get off the computer for 2 weeks to try to quit the mas, it failed... Then our trip to my grandparents, I told myself not to mas. I still did. I felt horrible.

Well, I told him I had been lying when we were home one day. He still didn't punish me, he just tried to talk it out with me over eating pizza, and while my mom was at work. I told him I didn't know any other way to quit other than to tell him. He kept telling me some ideas like instead of getting that temptation, look at the anatomy of the human body. I thought that was a great idea. But it wasn't enough.

I started again after 2-3 weeks of free of porn, but I still masturbated. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, I always asked myself, and I felt guilt every time. Now, it's still going on. I recently mas.'ed a couple hours ago to some yiff. My Dad's out to pick my mom up from work, and I'm about to order pizza. I don't know what else to do. I tried to quit on my own, but the temptation...It made me fall. I tried to quit last night. I didn't mas last night, but I mas'd today once already. It got me. But I won't again tonight. I normally mas about 1-2 times a day, 3 if I'm really failing... I try to keep it to once or none at all. Do you know how sweaty and hot and uncomfortable I get under the covers after masing? I can't get more than 7 hours a sleep a night...

All the tissue is normally thown in the toilet or the trash. It literally stinks sometimes. I just... throw it out and tell myself ''here's my chance to get right with myself and God" and then the next day I do it AGAIN.

I don't know what else to do. I'm trying to stop. Please, pray for me that I quit starting tonight. I will not MAS tonight. I will not MAS tomarrow. And I won't espeically SUNDAY. EVERYDAY! PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU GOD, PLEASE FORGIVE ME OF MY TRANSGRESSIONS AND MY FAULTS, AND PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR I HAVE LIED TO YOU MANY TIMES...

I want to be Grandpa's little angel again...

 

[ILikePeanutbutter]

It seems we have a lot in common.

I had discovered yiff at a young age and have been addicted to it ever since. I dabbled in gay porn and had really gotten into animal porn too. But now Ive set my mind to stop. I never want to touch to yiff or gay porn again. That stuff changes you; it changes how your mind works. It scared me how often I would look at completly innocent things and think about them in sexual ways... When I realized what I was doing, I was horrified.

Ive felt that the best thing a person can do to stop an addiction is to tell somebody about it. Ever since Ive confessed, I have had the most success in stopping the thoughts out of all the times Ive ever tried to stop... And believe me, Ive tried many times. Ive been doing fine for about a week so far...

Im glad you have talked about it with your parents. My parents dont even know. I was much more careful about covering my tracks (a sure sign of guilt) and they never knew much about computers anways, lol.

This is a big step in the right direction.


We've both confessed recently, and considering our similar circumstances, I think we should make an effort to do this together. What do you say?

I know that for both of us, it will get worse. I cant expect to unlearn 5-6 years of sexual gratification in a week. Neither can you. Stopping will be a hard task, seemingly impossible at times. But always remember this: Nothing is impossible with God. The important thing is to CONSTANTLY keep your mind on Him in the face of temptation!

The bible says that the will of the flesh and the will of the spirit cannot co-exist. You must make a decision and choose one to follow.

Ill be praying for both of us!

 

[Defuret]

You've taken a big step by at least posting this here. It would be far worse to let it just sit inside you. Remember that God is always read to take you back, even if you have transgressed.

You are not alone. I await the responses of the other people here, as I in fact am facing a similar problem. I'm heterosexual, yet am myself addicted to Str. Yiff.

 

[Lost_and_astray]

Hey man, I'm 14 (15 soon) and in a situation very similar to yours. I'm gay and I can't stop masturbating, and sometimes give in to gay porn as well. If it will help, I wanna share with you some more things you can try to help yourself from your problem of masturbation. I know you've tried alot but this may be worth a try, especially if your situation seems really desperate.

For masturbation, whenever I get the urge to do it, I always have beforehand a couple of reasons in the back of my head why I shouldn't go through with the temptation. For example, my family doesn't know I'm gay (I think) but my mum says I shouldn't touch anyway because its wrong. So, if I were to touch that would mean disobeying my mum, and I wouldn't like to do that because I know she loves me so much and cares for me. I also note that to me masturbation is much like a drug, its addictive, and it gives you a short high, leaving you very low after. Even though at that moment when I want to touch and know it will feel good, I keep it in my mind that I'm gonna be guilt ridden afterwards I'm dumb. The fact that its a "drug" makes me want to quit it more, and also makes me think that its more doable because many people have quit such things before. Also, I know that if I carry out the masturbation that there will be some sort of mess I will have to clean, and there will be tracks I have to clear if I was looking at porn, and living under this "paranoia" of hoping that my family won't catch me is very downing, so I keep in mind of that consequence too. Lastly, since I usually fantasises about some male while I'm masturbating, I think to myself, "Would that person like me feeling this way about them and using them for my own purposes?" It's obvious after you think awhile that the act of fantasising and masturbating is extremely selfish, and I always remind myself that the person I'm masturbating to in my mind has a loving wife who loves him, and he loves his wife back just as much, such that I shouldn't do it.

For porn, I recently had reformatted my whole computer to get rid of all the previous porn and tracks of it such that I could have a fresh start and never riddle my computer with the possibilities of viruses or anything from porn again. I think to myself, do I really want to make all that reformatting work invalid? Do I really want to be underr "paranoia" again hoping that I've cleaned all the possible traces of me looking at porn? Also, I know fully well that at our ages looking at those porn images is absolutely illegal, and it states it clearly before you get to see any of the images. Lastly, my mum has sometiems told me not to look at porn, because she says porn is hollow and doesn't give you anything. Again, I don't want to disobey her so I keep that in mind.

The difficult thing is to actually recall these reasons of why I shouldn't give into temptation when I am tempted. My mind gets clouded as I think about how pleasurable it would be so that I can't think of any of the reasons, and before then its too late. However if I take a moment just to clear my mind and think about those reasons, it usually works effectively because there is an overwhelming amount of reasons why I shouldn't give in to the temptation.

You may like to try what I do if you like, and I'll be praying for you too man

 

[ILikePeanutbutter]

You've taken a big step by at least posting this here. It would be far worse to let it just sit inside you. Remember that God is always read to take you back, even if you have transgressed.

You are not alone. I await the responses of the other people here, as I in fact am facing a similar problem. I'm heterosexual, yet am myself addicted to Str. Yiff.

If you want, you can get into our little group me and LF have formed. We are determined to stop our ways and help eachother. Its comforting to know that someone else is out there and understands the feelings you have.

 

[Cristiano]

LoneFox,
Hey man, I know what you are going through is tough...I've leaned same sex attraction and porn addiction consumes you, until you lose all ability to control your actions. It is a sickness like alcoholism. I've struggled off and on with this. BUT, the one thing I am beginning to realize is that having these addictions can cause us to focus on ourselves and all of our faults and how we are constantly disappointing God. That is exactly what Satan wants--for us to focus on ourselves. God wants us to turn our eyes on Him. If we have our eyes on him, that stuff won't be appealing anymore. I'm assuming you are struggling with your prayer life and quiet times. My experience is that God goes out the window, our walk fails, and we want more and more porn and satisfaction. My point is that you need to stop saying I will stop, I will not do it and say, Lord, I need to spend more time with you. I need to read your word. I need to have an active prayer life. Teach me your ways Lord. You see, then the focus is back on the Lord, where it should be. You actually have an ideal situation. Your dad knows your struggle. Why not use this to your advantage, by saying, "Dad, you know what I struggle with. I cannot overcome this without solidifying my relationship with God. Will you help me? Will you keep me accountable for prayer and reading God's word?" Have your dad make sure you are spending certain amounts of time in the word on certain days or evenings as well as praying. Also, for your benefit, don't be home alone if you don't have to be. If your parents are going out, go to a friend's house or if it is last minute, take your dogs for a walk or have some quiet time. I hope this helps. May God bless you. Let me know if I can help more.

 

[bannaboat101]

Well I'm sorry to hear what you are going through lonefox but I know what it is like. I'm sixteen and been through it all and It is hard to get out of it. My parents don't know what I used to go through but My computer had 2GB of gay porn on it and I was Gay.

So I'm going to say this none of you are gay alright that is a lie from satan especially the world. To be gay you have to lay with the guy and fall into sex but If you have attractions you aren't gay thats normal I think every guy has had some attraction in their life.

I Know I'm sixteen but I have had these problems since sixth grade but know I'm a junior in high school and I found some really great people tp talk to help

I would encourage you two especially you lonefox to talk to graceaboundin, and here_I_am they both help even talk to christiano he will help you to. Also go to http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/door_hope/ and sign up for the door of hope just click this link. It shows you that homosexuality is a sin and steps to overcome it.

Just keep in mind that neither of you are gay that is a really powerfull word to use. I'm not gay alright I used to be but I say to myslef when I get tempted that I'm not gay for this world but for God I love him he loves me and nothing can take that away. I say this when I start to fall and it brings me back up. I really want you two to go to setting captives trust me it will be the best thing of you life and talk to those names I gave you and they are on the forums and that is their usernames on the forum

By the way when you go to setting captives on each lesson there is a spot to send you answers to a friend or fammily. Lonefox I suggest you put your dads in their because he seem like that he doesn't want you to fall again and you Lost_and_astray I suggest you send to somebody you trust I also think you two should send to me you can but two in that box but this how you have to do it and this an example. lets say you have your dads email dad101@aol.com and friend at friend@aol.com you would this in the box
dad101@aol.com , friend@aol.com the space's and comma separates the two you have to have it look like that just with different emails.

My email is bandman4356@aol.com and I check it every other day so trust me you guys need help

 

[11MAN]

Hi, I feel to write to you under the heading that Jesus Christ died for your sins.
God created you and loves you so much that He sent Jesus for you. God is no respecter of persons. Homosexuality is a sin, as is stealing. Yes it is a sin. This is a good first step, that you acknowledge it as sin.
I struggled with homosexuality through my teenage years and early 20's, I was suicidal and hated myself, the world and life. I began a 2 month homosexual friendship, after it ended I wanted to die, I felt so alone. An athiest friend of mine looked at me one night and said "you are going to be punished." great fear came upon me and a hail and lightning storm came over my house, lightning hit my house and Jesus spoke and told me to repent, or he would destroy me.
I cried out and after 10 days of continual prayer (luke 11) temptations and satanic spirits speaking to me, I felt God's Holy Spirit come upon me and totally transform me.
I will ask you three questions that you don't have to answer to me, butplease be honest with yourself and God.
1) Do you have hatred, unforgiveness or resentment towards your father and/or mother?
2) Do you regularly watch television, computer games and or any other type of screen related entertainment?
3) Were you sexually abused, molested or raped as a child?
Why these 3 questions? The keys to understanding homsexuality and the solution are in the word of God. But there are factors we need to explore.
Satan's power is in accusing mankind to God, for our transgression of the Law. (The Accuser of the brethren)
Satan is a legalist and if we sin he has legal ground to torment us.
Honoring our parents in the Lord is the first commandment with promise (Ephesians 6:2)
If we curse our parents, our light will be put out in obscure darkness (Proverbs 20:20.)
My background in homosexuality, was a byproduct of earlier rebellion towards my parents, in cursing them and having hatred towards them, I allowed Satan, ground's for my downward spiral.
If you do have anger, hatred or have cursed your parents, take it to the Lord, humble youself in apologizing to your parents and bless them, speak life and blessing into the life of your parents. My parents are both divorced and my dad is remarried and is living in Adultery. I should never agree or condone sin, but I need to pray for him, bless him and interceed to God for his salvation and love him. "death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit" (Proverbs 18:21)There is power in the tongue!
Television is the most destructive modern form of Idolatry there is. Exodus 20:4 forbade Israel from making images depicting anything in heaven, earth, sea or underneath earth or sea. Image worship and worship of created things (mankind, the sun, the earth and nature etc.) Is the root by which homosexuality and other sexual perversions spawned. Please prayerfully read and study Romans 1:18-32.
God is a Spirit and desires to be worshipped in Spirit and in truth (John 4:24) When mankind makes idols and worships them, he is choosing to serve a false god. God is jealous for mankind's love and attention.
We are living, in what Paul prophesied of, as perilous times. Idolatry has consumed the whole world, with Satan's kingdom of Babylon (confusion) reaching its final pinnacle, before the Antichrist and the spirit of antichrist is destroyed by Jesus' return.
Many liberal christians would call this belief fundamental, some even accept homosexuality as a normal alternative lifestyle. I pray you will never let your mind or heart be decieved into believing this.
As a Born again Christian being plucked out of the fire of homosexual slavery, I have seen the power of Christ to transform and overcome, same-sex lust. I believe Image worship and veneration icons (statues, pictures,etc in the Catholic and Orthodox churches is the reason for many of their priests being consumed in homosexuality and paedophilea.
The third question of sexual abuse, can be critical in being set free. If you have been sexually abused, you may be being tormented by a vile wicked spirit transferred through sex or molestation. Spirits transfer
through intercourse. You may need deliverance from them.
Sodom and Gommorah (Genesis 19) were completely corrupted by homosexuality. the whole town came out desiring to have sex with the two angel's sent by God.
Testimonies of straight men being raped in jail and then becoming gay is proof of the satanic power of homosexual corruption and evil spirits transferring through sex.
Some scriptures to encourage you with are Hebrews 4:15 (Jesus was tempted at all points, yes, Jesus was tempted with homosexuality and resisted the sin.)
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 Paul's letter to Corinthians comforted ex-homosexuals of their salvation and sanctification through repentance and faith in the Lord.
Jude verse 24 The promise that Christ is able to keep us from falling (see also 2 Peter 2:9 God knows how to deliver the godly from temptations)
I pray this has been helpful, to let you know that others have been through what you are going through, that you can overcome this if you seek Christ and believe with all of your heart.
May the Lord Jesus bless you and your family
J