A little help here husbands

[LynnMcG]

I don't know how well I'm going to do explaining this. Let me get right to the point...

Why does my husband seem so angry at me for not having sex? First, let me say, lack of sex is not an issue in our marriage. Just this past weekend we discussed this very subject. We're both very happy with the regularity and quality of sex in our marriage.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. We went away to a bed and breakfast this past weekend and celebrated and had an amazing time. I guess one of my love languages is service, so I made him one of his favorite dinners and desserts for Valentine's Day. Then he had to go out for a meeting so I put the kids to bed and waited for him to get home.

He got home at around 9:30 p.m. and I was already pretty sleepy (we get up before 5 a.m. every morning so this isn't unusual for both of us). So he told me to just go to sleep. I must have asked him 20 times if he was sure. And by this point, I'm so wide awake, it's not even an issue any more. But he's annoyed. SO, I go to sleep. This morning, he's still annoyed with me.

By the time he gets home from work this afternoon he'll be a little better and he'll mention something about me not falling asleep on him tonight and we'll be ok. But I hate the inbetween time. I hate that he leaves like that in the morning. I hate that if I talk to him during the day that he'll probably be a little cool.

I know he's probably feeling rejected, which is absolutely not the issue. I don't know that there's anything I can do to change this. Any thoughts? Suggestions?

 

[E_Powers]

try differant times you two are together alone. how about in the morning when you get up? there is no ruule saying when you have to have sex

 

[Jenna]

It is my understanding that most guys don't want their woman just to have sex with them, but that they want them to really WANT to have sex with them. lol So, having a spouse who is not completely interested in making love on Valentines Day, well... it probably was disappointing. Of course he wouldn't tell you that it wasn't ok for you to sleep, and demand that you make love instead. That would take all the fun out of it. It's less romantic and fun when you have to ask, then feel as though you are taking someone away from what they feel is a bigger priority.

I'm not meaning to have this come out as though I'm being critical of you. I'm just trying to be honest, from what I have learned.

 

[LynnMcG]

So, having a spouse who is not completely interested in making love on Valentines Day, well... it probably was disappointing.

Isn't it funny how we place a premium on a holiday? Why would you treat your sweetie differently for a holiday? You know what I mean? We love eachother, cherish eachother, respect eachother... All year round. But I know what you mean. Thank you.

I realized what I'd done wrong last night though. I sort of put him on the clock. I said I was falling asleep so it was a now or never kind of thing. (I didn't say that). But it was his fault! He's so warm! and he was holding me and he made me all sleepy!

 

[bliz]

I realized what I'd done wrong last night though. I sort of put him on the clock. I said I was falling asleep so it was a now or never kind of thing. (I didn't say that). But it was his fault! He's so warm! and he was holding me and he made me all sleepy!

Whoa! You didn't say "Right now buddy, or forget about it!" You let him know that you were sleepy. And then, he lied to you, about 20 times according to you, when he said "It's fine." when he clearly did not think it was fine. If he is not going to be willing to tell you the truth "I really would like to have sex tonight." his chances of getting it are gong to diminish considerably.

When we had little kids and we both crashed at bedtime, we would often set an alarm clock for, say, midnight, and after a few hours of sleep we were both much more interested in a sexual encounter.

At the same time, bear in mind that what he may really want is not just sex. He may want sex with a woman who is not just willing, but eager and highly interested. No, you can't always be that, but you are less able to be that for him if he won't tell you that that's what he likes.

 

[Andry]

At the same time, bear in mind that what he may really want is not just sex. He may want sex with a woman who is not just willing, but eager and highly interested. No, you can't always be that, but you are less able to be that for him if he won't tell you that that's what he likes.

While that may be the case, to me it sounds more like he just wants to get his needs met.

Lynn, tell your husband he needs to grow up a little bit, that you're not psychic, and these little mind games he perhaps is unconciously playing with you is childish.

If he wishes only to get his needs met, he can do so in the bathroom with the palm sisters. If on the other hand he wants intimacy with you, then he should be fully aware and content and respectful that if you are already sleepy and quite content to drowse off, that that should be ok with him (because you've already indicated that frequency of love making was not a problem). But to carry to the next day like a sulking child, geez, even my 5 yo has a mind never to do that!

Please don't read into this like I'm trying to be insensitive, as I don't know your husband from Adam, but I'm on your side on this. I see and know too many husbands in my peer group who are often a bunch of crybabies when the don't get their way, and it's time that their wives draw the line.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Lynn, tell your husband he needs to grow up a little bit, that you're not psychic, and these little mind games he perhaps is unconciously playing with you is childish.

Shazam!

 

[LynnMcG]

Lynn, tell your husband he needs to grow up a little bit, that you're not psychic, and these little mind games he perhaps is unconciously playing with you is childish.

I understand what you mean. But I don't think he's childish. I'm not taking the blame here or making excuses for him. But this is something we're both working on. Yesterday, after I posted this message, I called him. (which is what I probably should have done in the first place) In the past he might have avoided an honest response and lied and said he was ok. But he was completely honest. He said he wasn't mad, just hurt. That he didn't feel like playing beat the clock the night before. And he was right. I think the night before he was disappointed. I don't blame him. We all have these expectations for days like Valentine's Day. And I was so tired from doing all that I had to do, to serve, to show my family how much I loved them, that I was too tired to show him affection. Which is his love language and the way he shows me he loves me.

I really appreciate your help. It helps to talk these things through and to get a male perspective.

 

[Gentileone]

I really appreciate your help. It helps to talk these things through and to get a male perspective.

As a christian and my wife is not i can see most post are correct and some well id put them in the toilet.

I think you are on the right track communication is most important.

Im just like your husband in the circumstances.
My wife gets very tired from working job or home.

Now Valentines day is just like any other day its a man made idea.
Can create problems in relationships.

I think you have a very loving husband to give up his needs for that night he was looking forward to,and to let you get sleep.
Second he should have been more honest and said he was looking for ...... that night, then mayby something could have been worked out.
A compromise

Now lets face it men, we are backward in this area and woman have to be mind readers. Or visa versa

So mayby next time the woman needs to ask more appropiate Question to find out what he (backward man) expected then something mutual could have been worked out and all the fuss would have been squashed.

I think we should be more aware on both our expectations and sometimes asking Questions to find out will save upsets

Not to say well stuff ya, go to the toilet and touch !(what is the person maturbating over, it brings in fantasy of the oppisite sex, not good,its a sin)
Or grow up, how are we to learn when you shut them off like that.
But to teach by asking and communicating .
I think its the book of Song of Solomon chapters 1 to 8 that teaches us the correct way.

As for putting him on the clock you can make that interesting by leaving a note in his pocket or car or ring him to let him no what you like to do etc,
and make the for-play then.


I rang my wife and said im gonna woo you
She was so exited and said go on do it
So i said
Woo woo woo , hee hee funny we both laughed
But my wife new what I was after

It takes time and that can be fun when you look back but i think you need to just ask the Questions intead of "do you mind over and over again".

I dont think he was childish but human,loving and caring and you were being honest,loving and caring it was just a lack of communication to a man made tradition

Hope this helps you in some way Lynn


God Bless you and your family

 

[Addicted2~Jesus]

Well I must say I'm really rather shcoked by what I've read thus far, but I can completely understand what your sayin LynnMeg, it's not your fault not his an it's one of those silly thins that has gotten a bit blown out of poportion, it's timin thats what happened so far as I can see, that meetin sorta fowled thins up an I can understand why your husband is seeminly actin like a jerk, he's truly not an it has got nuthin to do wit you.

I'm guilty of th exact same thin, wife might jump in here an give ya some war stories to hehe, your husband did not lie to you, he was tryin to consider your needs while his own desires were sittin their frustratin th ever livin snot out of em, he really wanted you to go to sleep an not worry bout it, but he was also probably dealin wit the thoughts of expectin sumthin when he got home, I mean after all you'd said you made em a real nice meal an all so from my point of view he was also expectin to make love to you that night, circumstances got up in th way I think.

As far as him actin cold an irritated with you.... trust me it's easier if you do what my wife does, ignore me it'll go away lol, that's not to say start a fight its that he's truely not irritated wit you it's he's hacked off at emsef. I've had these arguements in my head before tellin mysef it's silly but it's like arguin wit a 5 year old inside my head. "But I want it!", "Now is not a good time.", "But I thought!" "She was tired she has needs to you know", "But it's not fair! (stomps foot fur good measure)" Once he gits done arguin wit emsef bout how silly everthin is in th first place he'll be right as rain again.

What guy, er fur that matter woman, hasn't gotten a bit frustrated when one is interested an th other isn't, even though I know you aren't sayin you weren't interested you were simply tired, his head probably had you pictured sprawled out naked on th bead wit rose pedals layin round hehe Guys can create a bunch of lovley albeit, false pictures in their heads, that's why holodecks would be such a bad idea for guys.

 

[Andry]

I think we should be more aware on both our expectations and sometimes asking Questions to find out will save upsets

Not to say well stuff ya, go to the toilet and touch !(what is the person maturbating over, it brings in fantasy of the oppisite sex, not good,its a sin)
Or grow up, how are we to learn when you shut them off like that.

I expected as much that some may disagree or need clarification to what I posted, so here's my response, respectfully:

Lynn already asked her hubby a number of times (as you indicated, "asking Questions") and he replied there was nothing wrong. That should be the end of the story because anyone mature and reasonable would/should not try to imply more to "there's nothing wrong" and the interpretation of that is very plain and straightforward - that everything was fine.......unless, that person is either being childish, immature, or manipulative.

My thoughts on growing up, relieveing himself in the bathroom, and the fact that we're not psychic was obvious to me....tongue in cheek. If that was not obvious to you, I apologize.

Obviously, I wouldn't expect Lynn to blow him off by saying crassly, 'Just grow up you jerk!' Obviously I wouldn't expect him to go off and touch. Obviously none of us here are psychic in the 'new age' sense.

But on my premise that he didn't get his needs met and continued sulking like a little child.....intimacy with our spouses is not about getting our needs met first. It's about meeting our spouses needs (even if that means sleeping!). Lovemaking - as opposed to just 'having sex' - is about giving. And if we get something in return, well consider it a bonus.

If he was upset the next day about it....well, being mature would mean to discuss it openly, not to fault, but to agree that there was miscommunication about our 'Valentines day' expectations. And perhaps set another date, as you so rightly indicated, man's (or Hallmark's!) creation anyways.

Pretending that everything is ok and then acting like it's not, well, that's sending mix messages, and to me, immature.

If we hit our MLC (mid life crisis - real or unreal) and are not able to articualte or communicate that to our wives in plain, simple terms - that'll be just a disaster waiting to happen.

 

[Addicted2~Jesus]

I expected as much that some may disagree or need clarification to what I posted, so here's my response, respectfully:

Lynn already asked her hubby a number of times (as you indicated, "asking Questions") and he replied there was nothing wrong. That should be the end of the story because anyone mature and reasonable would/should not try to imply more to "there's nothing wrong" and the interpretation of that is very plain and straightforward - that everything was fine.......unless, that person is either being childish, immature, or manipulative.

I know I would not apperciate bein called any of what you are sayin an quiet frankly if you are unable to say anythin nice it might perhaps be better to say nothing at all.

I believe your missin the point entirly, at least from my stand point, her husband was not bein difficult or elusive in sayin everthin was fine an jes to go to sleep, I firmly believe he was lookin out for er needs but simply is havin to deal wit his own sexual desire, I feel I know exactly where this gentelman is comin from. As I said before Lynn, it isn't your fault, nor is it his, your both a victim of circumstance.

I'll try to expalin this the best I can, any questions please ask. I'll give a situation involvin mysef an my wife. I'm interested I thought we were gonna have sex an I find out she's really to tired, ok fine no problem go to sleep, I'm frustrated yes but it's worth dealin with. Now my wife continues to ask me if it's ok or are you sure. Well now this lands me in a very precarious position, what do you do? Yes dear le's do it! Now this is what every man wants.... just a willin hole...... not likely, cause now I'm gonna feel like I forced er to have sex with me which is worse off then simply havin dealt with it. It's an absoulte no win situation and each person deals with their frustrations differently, I personnaly deal with mine very simular to this feller, in the end my wife an I talk bout it an everthin is ok, she knows it's not er fault an there is really nothin that she could have done about it aside from read my mind before I ever got home an laid sprawled out waitin for me....

But on my premise that he didn't get his needs met and continued sulking like a little child......

I'd be very hesitant before sayin that so an so is sulkin like a child, I also wouldn't apperciate the reference you made earlier that her husband was acting like a 5 year old or is sulking like a child.

......intimacy with our spouses is not about getting our needs met first. It's about meeting our spouses needs (even if that means sleeping!). Lovemaking - as opposed to just 'having sex' - is about giving. And if we get something in return, well consider it a bonus.[/QOUTE]

You said it, he was lookin out for her needs which is why he said to go to sleep, an here again if she'd rolled over an said well le's jes do it, he's not gonna feel very good bout emsef this way either....

If he was upset the next day about it....well, being mature would mean to discuss it openly, not to fault, but to agree that there was miscommunication about our 'Valentines day' expectations.

I fail to see why you contiue to infer that Lynn's husband is a child like person or immature, this has nothin so far as I can see to do with immaturity, this has to do with em feeling fustrated things didn't go like he probably thought they would as well as tryin to protect his wife from feeling like she failed in sumthin, it hasn't even got anything to do wit a miscommunication, it probably wasn't even discussed before he went to his meeting, an he thought one thing an found out another, it's not anyones fault that she was tired an wanted to sleep, it's also no ones fault he wanted to be intimate.

Pretending that everything is ok and then acting like it's not, well, that's sending mix messages, and to me, immature.

If you've ever tried to soften the blow to someone then you'd be guilty of what your sayin. It may come off as mixed signals but it's the intentions behind it that matters, are you so willing to tell your wife for example that wants to sleep that you'd really rather have sex? Are you willing to simply have sex with her an have it mean nothing? I ask this in the since that if one party isn't interested then they are also not very likely to be very responsive.

 

[Andry]

A2J, respectfully,

We need to deal with our own feelings....and that's just part of growing up. It could be frustration (such as sexual frustration), anger, impatience, ungracious....etc etc, you get the picture.

And it's just one of those things, that until a person actually gets there and experiences it for themselves, it's difficult to appreciate that.

I dare say most husbands are 'in the mood' more often than their wives and so yes we have to deal with it. I do understand about your point of being a 'no-win' situation, but I do disagree with it.

In my situation, if I want to be intimate but my wife's too tired, then I'm truly ok with it as I know that is what she desires at that moment - sleep. I wouldn't expect her to 'do it' on my account. And if she did wake up enough to ask me if I'm ok with it, I'd be honest enough to say yes, really. Because I'm mature enough to think about herself first, and deal with my 'feelings'. This is the 'growing up' part.

And if I may 'spiritualize' it for a bit, everything in our lives is the kingdom of God. From the bedroom to the bathroom to the church room to the boardroom. They are moments when the Kingdom of God can be manifested. And when it comes time to the bedroom, I've found that when I lay down my frustrations at the altar of God during such times when I 'feel the need' but my wife doesn't, He empowers and enables me to release that frustration without having to suppress or repress that desire, without mental frustration the morning after, without any 'guilt trips', because the power of heaven starts to flow into my life.

So I submit respectfully to the guys here in particular, while it may be seemingly a no-win situation, there's more to this than just biology and psychology. If we would ask God to enter into our bedroom, we'll find that our times of intimacy with our wives will be continually fulfilling.

 

[Yitzchak]

It sounds like deeper issues are at work here. hence the over reaction to the actual situation. I suggest that you and your husband explore what is making him go into emotional overload over such a small thing. Obviously the real probelm is deeper than just the surface issue here. Is there perhaps some emotional wound he needs heled of or some area where the two of you need more intimacy emotionally?

 

[LynnMcG]

It sounds like deeper issues are at work here. hence the over reaction to the actual situation. I suggest that you and your husband explore what is making him go into emotional overload over such a small thing. Obviously the real probelm is deeper than just the surface issue here. Is there perhaps some emotional wound he needs heled of or some area where the two of you need more intimacy emotionally?

Over reaction? Are you talking about my husband or what some of the other guys are posting here?!! I don't think there was any emotional overload or over reaction. It wasn't that big a deal. I merely wanted to meet my husband where he was and not hurt him. end of story. Frankly, I think this whole thing has gone too far. As far as my husband and I are concerned, we took care of this yesterday.

Thanks everyone for your very interesting and valuable input. Moderator - you can close this post now! Thanks!

 

[Lena75]

Thread closed under OP's request.