A little help for a newbie...

[Forlorn Drifter]

This is my first post here, and I came here because I've repeatedly gotten the same answers otherwise, and they haven't really helped me.

I'm struggling with the idea of premarital sex. I'm currently not at all sexually active, but I know others who are, and I feel there's a strong possibility I will too. I've always dealt with sin by finding a separate outlet. When I struggled with anger, I turned to video games and various forms of work to get out any anger I had. Now, I've gained control of my anger. I thought I might be able to do this with sex, except there is no form of outlet. I don't know how much self control I could exercise if presented with the temptation.

I've always gotten the following answers whenever I bring this up: don't worry about it, get married, or try to avoid it- but pray if you do fall into it.

The last option seems the most realistic, and is what a friend of mine, a preacher's son, suggested. He himself has had premarital sex, and says that he was unable to control himself in the situation. I feel as though it would be the same with me. He pointed to the fact that, in most cases, for people like us it would be accidental rather than intentional. As he likes to point out, there's a difference between hiring a prostitute or propositioning a girl for sex than accidentally falling into it within a relationship.

I'm just struggling here. I know of ways to control my other issues, but I believe this may be my vice.

 

[Girder of Loins]

There is an outlet and its called masturbation. Inherently, it isn't evil. But once you make it filled with porn and idle thoughts, it becomes evil.

Onto the premarital sex. I heard a speaker once talking about "fighting the good fight". In it, he described a list of different "fights" we go through as Christians. One was premarital sex. Here, he recounted a guy's story. They were cuddled up on the couch watching some romance movie, and first came the kissing, then came the tickling, et cetera. Afterwards, the guy came to the speaker and asked how he was supposed to fight that off. The speaker told him,"There are some fights we aren't supposed to fight!" The question isn't,"Where is the line?" It should be,"Where is my line?" If you can cuddle on the couch and not get sexually aroused, good for you. But if you can't be in the same room alone with a woman, then don't be. Know your limitations and don't come near that line. She will adore you for trying to respect her and keep your relationship pure(even if she is atheist), rather than just trying to get in her pants to tell your friends about it. If you do get in that situation, pray with her before you continue. And I mean legitimately pray, not just say a couple words. If you feel no conviction, then go get happy.

I don't know how old you are, but if you're in high school, I would suggest skipping dating altogether. I did it with three other friends, and we don't regret it. My relationship with God increased so much, and I was able to focus on friendship and God rather than one specific person. Not to mention that I didn't have to have a job to pay for a girlfriend.

 

[Forlorn Drifter]

I prefer not to touch, as I don't see any way I can do it without lust. Lust is a sin, and as I understand it, all sins are equal.

Well, I am in High School, but the whole issue is just hard for me. I don't believe in sex just for sex, because I've seen too many people that gained emotions afterwards to think its just a meaningless thing. However, the majority of people my age think otherwise. I know of a specific girl I previously had a crush on, and that I still find somewhat attractive, who is sexually active and has no preference for true relationships. I lost interest upon hearing that, but I know if I was offered sex by her that I would likely be weak and fall into it.

I just have heard so many conflicting opinions on premarital sex. I've had many tell me that the interpretation of pornia in the Bible could lead to an argument that the Bible says nothing against premarital sex. Others tell me that I'll go to hell for even thinking in a slightly lustful manner. Others say it is not viewed highly by God, but that it isn't as bad as other things. And there's a group, my pastor included, who believes it is alright, as long as one uses 'safe sex'.

I'm just very confused with the topic overall. Some make it seem as though sex will condemn me, yet they are happy to know and talk to those who have murdered multiple times. I have a hard time dealing with that, as it seems hypocrisy to me. My Dad, one I know for a fact is a stronger Christian and is closer to God than many, admits to a large number of sins, many repeated, that he has committed. However, my dad is the most neighborly, helpful, and loving person I know despite that. So, in God's eyes, would it be better for him, and others, to be the way he is, or be overall less sinful?

 

[Girder of Loins]

May I ask, how does one quantify sin? Either you're saved or you're not. What actions you take that are antithetical to righteousness(what sin is) while saved does not matter. Do you love God? Good! Then show it!

Our salvation is not based on works, but based on love. Agape love to be exact. Actions come from this love, but action is not a prerequisite for this love. As long as you love God, you are saved. How you respond to that love is completely relative. Some respond by becoming televangelists. Some respond by becoming artists. Some respond by getting a desk job and being a good neighbor. Ultimately, that choice is yours to make. Always ask God for guidance and live by the convictions He has placed on your heart. Do that, and you will never fail Him, ever. Of course, you can't really "fail" God, as He doesn't rely on you. You rely on Him.

 

[Forlorn Drifter]

Alright, that's good to hear. I've had some issues, seeing as one of my friends is a hardline Catholic with the belief that sin should be avoided at all costs and that good deeds get you into heaven- I guess our recent conversations rubbed off on me.

So, as I'm understanding, I'm fine as long as I find a way to glorify God and do what is right by what my parents taught me? I think I can do that.

 

[Girder of Loins]

Exactly. If you sin along the way, God will forgive you. Don't abuse it, salvation isn't a "get-out-of-jail-free" card, it is a "get-into-heaven" card.

 

[Forlorn Drifter]

I understand I shouldn't abuse it, but I have a strong feeling this will be something I might be more inclined to fall into compared to other sins. Some are more likely to steal, some are more likely to be addicted, I think I'm more likely to fall into premarital sex.

I've had trouble dealing with the idea of it due to how many make it seem as if it is worse than other sins. As if there's nothing worse than going into marriage when you're not a virgin. Yet, I know that I feel like falling into premarital sex in a true relationship rather than some one night stand or if one was to hire a prostitute seems to be no worse than any other sin. In fact, I'd argue that other sins can be more harmful.

I just feel that premarital sex is going to be a reality for me at some point, no matter what I do.

 

[Girder of Loins]

No need to make it bigger than it really is. Is it a big problem? Yes! With media shoving songs and shows with lyrics or plots primarily driven by sex, it is hard to get away from. You don't desire something you already have. But desire is beaten. It isn't easy in any sense of the word, as it takes a lot of self-control, and a lot of prayer. I would suggest getting some accountability partners together to back you up. Be real with one another. Tell them everything going on and that has gone on in your life. They will become your greatest friends and will keep you in line with your walk.

 

[Forlorn Drifter]

I could try that, although there is currently nothing going on in my life of this nature. I don't currently date because I don't particularly attract girls as far as I know, along with lack of money for that.

I've just had some issue with this, as I know many who are good people and very close to God, yet commit sins of this type. I feel a bit better knowing that, and knowing that God will still forgive me.

 

[Girder of Loins]

Yes He will! If you ever need to talk about anything from theology to what colour socks to wear, I'm all ears.