I am currently working on my recovery and after reading what constitutes as sexual abuse I was shocked, I've been abused by more people that I thought. The things that happened were inappropriate but I wouldn't have labeled them as sexual abuse. We learn something new everyday.
I have to journal each episode of abuse but first I want to state the effects of my abuse. I don't have many friends because of a lack of communication skills and the few friends I do have I feel like I have to protect them (my female friends). I look outside before I go out there because I don't want to encounter a neighbor or anyone else. I'm a perfectionist (I'm sure I'll read this over looking for mistakes before I post it). I have very bad relationships because I'm afraid of getting close, and I just don't trust anyone. I've gotten so far from God that I now doubt his existence. I put on a facade so that the people around me don't suspect anything. I get clingy to anyone who pays me any attention and I'm sure this gets annoying to them. I feel like I don't have a life and I only live to do things for others or try to make them happy. When I gain some confidence something always happens to knock me back down. I fear interviews for jobs and making presentations because I feel like I might say something about my abuse and I fear rejection (why would that ever happen anyway?).
*trigger*
This first time is very clear in my head. I don't remember how old I was, maybe between 5 and 7. It happened on the school bus on my way home. I was sitting by the window somewhere close to the middle of the bus when an older boy sat down beside me. He sat really close and put his jacket over my lap then he put his hand underneath and started to fondle me. I didn't know what to do, I knew what he was doing was wrong but I just sat there starring out the window as the bus drove off. He said something to me in a calm tone but I don't remember what. He eventually stopped and went to the back of the bus with his friends who were all eating and laughing. I took my drink out and he asked for some but I said no and he looked at me like I had done something wrong, I felt bad so I gave in and shared my drink.
I was out of uniform because I had done ballet that day so that probably made me an easy target, i don't know. I just find it sickening that others would hurt because they were hurt themselves or they want to "explore" or "discover". I know when I was younger I would push the door on my smaller cousin until she cried then I would hug her and tell her I was sorry. It felt good that I hurt her but I realized then that there was something majorly wrong with me and I never did it again. Anyway, I look forward to your support and as I get the courage to post more I will.
I have to journal each episode of abuse but first I want to state the effects of my abuse. I don't have many friends because of a lack of communication skills and the few friends I do have I feel like I have to protect them (my female friends). I look outside before I go out there because I don't want to encounter a neighbor or anyone else. I'm a perfectionist (I'm sure I'll read this over looking for mistakes before I post it). I have very bad relationships because I'm afraid of getting close, and I just don't trust anyone. I've gotten so far from God that I now doubt his existence. I put on a facade so that the people around me don't suspect anything. I get clingy to anyone who pays me any attention and I'm sure this gets annoying to them. I feel like I don't have a life and I only live to do things for others or try to make them happy. When I gain some confidence something always happens to knock me back down. I fear interviews for jobs and making presentations because I feel like I might say something about my abuse and I fear rejection (why would that ever happen anyway?).
*trigger*
This first time is very clear in my head. I don't remember how old I was, maybe between 5 and 7. It happened on the school bus on my way home. I was sitting by the window somewhere close to the middle of the bus when an older boy sat down beside me. He sat really close and put his jacket over my lap then he put his hand underneath and started to fondle me. I didn't know what to do, I knew what he was doing was wrong but I just sat there starring out the window as the bus drove off. He said something to me in a calm tone but I don't remember what. He eventually stopped and went to the back of the bus with his friends who were all eating and laughing. I took my drink out and he asked for some but I said no and he looked at me like I had done something wrong, I felt bad so I gave in and shared my drink.
I was out of uniform because I had done ballet that day so that probably made me an easy target, i don't know. I just find it sickening that others would hurt because they were hurt themselves or they want to "explore" or "discover". I know when I was younger I would push the door on my smaller cousin until she cried then I would hug her and tell her I was sorry. It felt good that I hurt her but I realized then that there was something majorly wrong with me and I never did it again. Anyway, I look forward to your support and as I get the courage to post more I will.
