A few relationship questions

[Kingsdotter]

1) What makes a man afraid to approach a woman he likes

2) Why do some women keep attracting fearful men

3) What is a lady to do, when the only type of men she attracts are not bold enough to approach her

 

[dayhiker]

Hi kingdotter ,,,
I'd never have thought of spelling doter that way! I like it.

Interesting question. I think there can be a number of reasons for that fear. Usually many of the reasons have dropped off by the time us men his mature age. Those usually include shyness, fear of not knowing what to say and the general awkwardness around the opposite sex.
There could be a number of things that are giving him that fear today. A divorce could result in him not wanting to marry again. Quite a few men are so hurt by divorce that that they don't want to get married again. So if he were to start a relationship then he would just want to end it to avoid marriage. Maybe he has a secret sin that he feels would lead to rejection once it was revealed.
I'm curious how you know these men are attracted to you and then have a feat about approaching you? I don't have a clue what about you would be attracting that type of guy. Sorry.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

1) What makes a man afraid to approach a woman he likes

2) Why do some women keep attracting fearful men

3) What is a lady to do, when the only type of men she attracts are not bold enough to approach her

Hello. In order.......................

1. Its almost always because he fears rejection . Other possible reasons are he doesn't think he measures up to her outward beauty if she is indeed a beauty (intimidated) . Or, he may be waiting longer till he gets additional information about her such as if she is dating anyone presently.

2. If a man is indeed fearful of initiating contact, then the woman wouldn't be attracting them. Right ? But if your question is : Why do some women attract weaker or passive men once they've moved beyond the initial contact....then its mostly because they never had modeled to them what a real Man is from the gals Father primarily. Fathers have a big responsibility to model what a good proper Man looks like --- one with spine and gumption .

3. If they aren't approaching you, then they aren't attracted to you enough to make some inroads with you. You as a woman cant do much about that kind of thing...but if you want to try and make it easier on a Guy whom YOU wouldn't mind getting to know....then theres some things a woman can do as you might be aware. Some might include :

Smile often at the guy from a distance and when he does approach you / take an interest in whatever he talks about / demonstrate good eye contact and make some validating nods of your head to show you are in agreement / look outwardly attractive as much as is practical and appropriate / smell good with perfume / laugh sometimes / show a playful side to yourself / ask lots of followup questions to what he is saying / talk about some hobbies and activities that you really like and ask him about his .

 

[blackribbon]

Lack of attraction, spine and gumption are NOT the only reasons a man won't approach a woman. Sometimes it is a self-esteem issue ("she wouldn't be interested in ME") or it is a long history of being rejected so they don't even bother anymore. I find some men make the assumption that 'if she is single, there must be reason nobody else wants her'....

 

[blackribbon]

I take issue with the idea that a woman shouldn't ever approach a man. I mean, one of our few models of "dating" as a Christian woman is Ruth...and she definitely did approach Boaz in a very bold and daring way (crawling in his bed when he was asleep?).

 

[Kingsdotter]

Hi kingdotter ,,,
I'd never have thought of spelling doter that way! I like it.
Thanks!

Interesting question. I think there can be a number of reasons for that fear. Usually many of the reasons have dropped off by the time us men his mature age. Those usually include shyness, fear of not knowing what to say and the general awkwardness around the opposite sex.

Hmmm not too sure about these reasons

There could be a number of things that are giving him that fear today. A divorce could result in him not wanting to marry again. Quite a few men are so hurt by divorce that that they don't want to get married again. So if he were to start a relationship then he would just want to end it to avoid marriage. Maybe he has a secret sin that he feels would lead to rejection once it was revealed.

I don't think these men are married, for some reasons I don't seem to attract married men

I'm curious how you know these men are attracted to you and then have a feat about approaching you? I don't have a clue what about you would be attracting that type of guy.

At the office, a male colleague told me they opened up to him, I also have a feeling this may be happening where I live too, as I am getting a few feedbacks.

 

[Kingsdotter]

Hello. In order.......................

1. Its almost always because he fears rejection . Other possible reasons are he doesn't think he measures up to her outward beauty if she is indeed a beauty (intimidated) . Or, he may be waiting longer till he gets additional information about her such as if she is dating anyone presently.

But most adults have had to face rejection at some point in their lives? Is it possible that I am attracting men with insecurities?

2. If a man is indeed fearful of initiating contact, then the woman wouldn't be attracting them. Right ?

I disagree, I think it's possible for a man to be attracted to a woman, and still fear initiating contact with her for some reasons.

But if your question is : Why do some women attract weaker or passive men once they've moved beyond the initial contact....then its mostly because they never had modeled to them what a real Man is from the gals Father primarily. Fathers have a big responsibility to model what a good proper Man looks like --- one with spine and gumption .

My father was not perfect. But he was also not passive and weak too. Passivity, is not a quality I grew up to associate with men



3. If they aren't approaching you, then they aren't attracted to you enough to make some inroads with you.

If some guys are attracted enough to make some inroads. Is it possible for everyone to have the same level of boldness?

 

[Kingsdotter]

Lack of attraction, spine and gumption are NOT the only reasons a man won't approach a woman. Sometimes it is a self-esteem issue ("she wouldn't be interested in ME") or it is a long history of being rejected so they don't even bother anymore. I find some men make the assumption that 'if she is single, there must be reason nobody else wants her'....

Interesting perspective

 

[quietpraiyze]

1) What makes a man afraid to approach a woman he likes
How do you know the man likes the woman? What is the man doing?

​

2) Why do some women keep attracting fearful men
What do you mean by “fearful”? What does that look like in an adult man? What are they doing? Can you elaborate on that a little more?

3) What is a lady to do, when the only type of men she attracts are not bold enough to approach her

What is the lady doing on her part? Does the lady greet these men with a simple “hi” and a smile letting them know she's at least approachable and interested? What is the lady saying with her kinetics (body language)? Is the lady playing hard to get? Is it possible that the lady is not picking up on a man's cues? What is the lady's belief about “initiating”?


There are A LOT of variables here including if this is always happening to the lady regardless of settings (work, church, outings with friends, etc.) or if it's just happening in one context.​

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

Lack of attraction, spine and gumption are NOT the only reasons a man won't approach a woman. Sometimes it is a self-esteem issue ("she wouldn't be interested in ME") or it is a long history of being rejected so they don't even bother anymore. I find some men make the assumption that 'if she is single, there must be reason nobody else wants her'....

I eluded to the male self esteem issue in my post .

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

Hello. In order.......................

1. Its almost always because he fears rejection . Other possible reasons are he doesn't think he measures up to her outward beauty if she is indeed a beauty (intimidated) . Or, he may be waiting longer till he gets additional information about her such as if she is dating anyone presently.

But most adults have had to face rejection at some point in their lives? Is it possible that I am attracting men with insecurities?

2. If a man is indeed fearful of initiating contact, then the woman wouldn't be attracting them. Right ?

I disagree, I think it's possible for a man to be attracted to a woman, and still fear initiating contact with her for some reasons.

But if your question is : Why do some women attract weaker or passive men once they've moved beyond the initial contact....then its mostly because they never had modeled to them what a real Man is from the gals Father primarily. Fathers have a big responsibility to model what a good proper Man looks like --- one with spine and gumption .

My father was not perfect. But he was also not passive and weak too. Passivity, is not a quality I grew up to associate with men



3. If they aren't approaching you, then they aren't attracted to you enough to make some inroads with you.

If some guys are attracted enough to make some inroads. Is it possible for everyone to have the same level of boldness?

1. Yes, its very likely you are ; in fact I believe when most single people get into their 50's and 60's...they've brought some insecurities with them . But there are some Men that have overcome them and will not care if they do get a rejection .

2. Yes, I can see your point.

3. We all have varying levels of boldness.

3.a. I think a lot of Men when they get older, they don't really care that much anymore about approaching women one on one --- they may be pretty content just having the women friends they do have which is enough to emotionally fulfill them. I am this way. Also, many Men want a few gal friends to do things with but don't want marriage to hang in the balance . I don't find too many women with this philosophy as they want to date with the hopefulness of one day getting married again. Many men when they get older look back on their lives and see that they've been married once or twice / have raised kids / have struggled their way up the career ladder / have achieved a fairly good position of financial freedom .... and now just want to concentrate on their hobbies , enjoy their grandchildren, and have the freedom from a lifelong commitment so they can be independent. Not all...but many I suspect.

I read somewhere that people between the ages of 45-60 end up getting remarried approx. 3% of the time and as the time approaches 60 , even fewer for both men and women. I guess for someone who wants to be married again, this is not encouraging news and so they need to hunker down for the long haul of remaining single yet with enough people and things in their life to make it fulfilling . Certainly a close walk with Christ helps tremendously.

 

[exitstageright]

I take issue with the idea that a woman shouldn't ever approach a man. I mean, one of our few models of "dating" as a Christian woman is Ruth...and she definitely did approach Boaz in a very bold and daring way (crawling in his bed when he was asleep?).

 

[Kingsdotter]

What is the lady doing on her part? Does the lady greet these men with a simple “hi” and a smile letting them know she's at least approachable and interested? What is the lady saying with her kinetics (body language)? Is the lady playing hard to get? Is it possible that the lady is not picking up on a man's cues? What is the lady's belief about “initiating”?


There are A LOT of variables here including if this is always happening to the lady regardless of settings (work, church, outings with friends, etc.) or if it's just happening in one context.​

Thanks for your reply, i will try to answer each of the question you asked
1) I know the man likes the woman because he told his friend so. But it doesn't seem like he is doing much about it

2) When a man hesitates to go after what he wants, it seems like there is an element of fear preventing him from taking action towards getting what he wants

3) The lady is not doing much about it because she doesn't know her secret admirers, she just hears that they exist, but she doesn't know who they are. She even heard that one of them said he knows he would be rejected so he wouldn't even try, but how does he know this when he hasn't tried yet?

 

[quietpraiyze]

Is the lady comfortable initiating first contact with a man or does she believe that's the man's role?

What you believe makes all the difference in the world...

 

[Kingsdotter]

Is the lady comfortable initiating first contact with a man or does she believe that's the man's role?

What you believe makes all the difference in the world...

She was taught to wait for the man to initiate the first move(and has the mentality due to this), but it's not been working for her. Ironically she has a personality that seems to attract quiet, timid men who may never make a move unless they are encouraged to do so. The problem is she has to start learning what works for her, but she also feels she's waited too long and it's too late.

 

[dayhiker]

No its never too late!
I have a friend who is closing in on 80 and he fell in love earlier this year and is having the time of his life!

 

[Bobthemotorcycle]

.

 

[quietpraiyze]

She was taught to wait for the man to initiate the first move(and has the mentality due to this), but it's not been working for her. Ironically she has a personality that seems to attract quiet, timid men who may never make a move unless they are encouraged to do so. The problem is she has to start learning what works for her, but she also feels she's waited too long and it's too late.

It's not over. It's just realizing that a particular behavior may not work for you and now you have to let it go. That's a good thing even though there may be a bit of grief there. Now the lady can move in authenticity and discover what is right for her and that can be exciting and fun. It all depends on how the lady sees it. The lady probably knows more than what she thinks she does. What would the lady recommend to a friend in the same situation?


In the Advice Forum there is a thread called, “I'm in a bad place, and I don't know what else to do”. In that thread there is a post from aiki (#6) that I thought was amazing. As I was reading, I thought how encouraging aiki's testimony must be for any woman who might be dealing with what they think is a “timid” man. ​

 

[Kingsdotter]

No its never too late!
I have a friend who is closing in on 80 and he fell in love earlier this year and is having the time of his life!

I guess it's really never too late, thanks

 

[Kingsdotter]

It's not over. It's just realizing that a particular behavior may not work for you and now you have to let it go. That's a good thing even though there may be a bit of grief there. Now the lady can move in authenticity and discover what is right for her and that can be exciting and fun. It all depends on how the lady sees it. The lady probably knows more than what she thinks she does. What would the lady recommend to a friend in the same situation?

After pondering on your question for a bit, I think I would recommend changing my approach to any such situation in the future. Watching out for silent messages from a guy I suspect may be interested in me, and if I am okay with it, I will not hesitate to encourage him a bit.


In the Advice Forum there is a thread called, “I'm in a bad place, and I don't know what else to do”. In that thread there is a post from aiki (#6) that I thought was amazing. As I was reading, I thought how encouraging aiki's testimony must be for any woman who might be dealing with what they think is a “timid” man. ​

I am encouraged by aiki's post. Amazing testimony. Tho I can't help thinking why didn't he do anything about his situation? But, some men just prefer waiting for the right time and I understand this. I pray for a better understanding, thanks