A few questions about Love (also relationship-related OCD)

[InFlux]

Hello. I would like to ask the Christian community a few questions about love and relationships.

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. I love him very much, although we've been through a lot of difficulties as well, but in the end, we always knew that we want to be together.
But this my OCD... It's killing me. I sometimes get phases of ROCD (Realtionship OCD) meaning that I get a sort of lack or emotion towards him, I will question whether I really love him, whether I really want to be with him, whether this relationship is meant to be etc. ...

But here is the basic problem that causes most of my doubts: whereas this is the first real relationship for me, my boyfriend already had a few. And although I really feel that I love him a lot, and maybe even want to get married to him someday, I get this sort of paranoia that I won't be able to stay loyal to him or get bored of him fast because I haven't had more boyfriends. I'm getting guilt feelings already although nothing has happened yet. I sometimes even get the stupid idea that maybe we should break up for a short time so I can date other guys and then we can get back together.

But don't get me wrong, it's not like I have the desire to be with other guys. It's actually the opposite, I'm quite convinced that he is the one, and that's the problem, I'm afraid that I may screw up everything. There are opinions that before a first "real" relationship or before marriage, you should have had at least one relationship, or else you will get bored of your lover soon. This thought really causes me stress. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend, he's being so nice to me.
And instead of enjoying this moment with him, I'm already imagening how our relationship could collapse. I can't take this anymore!

Someone please, please advice me on this. Can a person love only one person his whole life? Or is this just a fairy tale? And how can I learn to enjoy the moment without thinking about the far future?

 

[mirly22]

oh my gosh! reading your post was like looking into my own experience. thank you for posting it.
i'm in the same boat... this is my first "real" relationship, whereas he's had two other long-term relationships, and sometimes i worry that i need to get out and date other people. there are a lot of things i worry about, actually
i will let you know that what helps is letting the thoughts wash over you, without questioning them. when i get a thought, like... "what if i don't love him, and we get married and i regret it?" or "what if i'm in love with this guy from my past?" my first tendency is to start obsessing over the thoughts. but you really just have to accept the thoughts... say, "okay. maybe i don't love him." and as hard as that is, it really does help in the long run. instead of obsessing over your doubts, accept them and move on, and eventually they get better because you're giving them less control over your life.
it's the uncertainty of the future and of what will happen next that really scares us OCD-ers. but if you can let those thoughts and fears of uncertainty wash over you without allowing yourself to obsess over them, they can't control you anymore.
let me know if you need any other advice, and know you're not alone!

 

[kaykay9.0]

Good post by Mirly above. And to answer your question as to whether you can love one person your whole life~~definitely yes! I have been married 37 years and am still in love with my husband. I don't think I'm unique in that either!

 

[InFlux]

Thank you for your answers! Mirly, it is indeed an interesting coincidence I know that I should treat these thoughts like any other OCD thought, but it is still very hard for me to accept the thoughts because I still keep thinking that if I accept them, they will become true. I think it's my basic problem with OCD. And nowadays so many people are getting divorced. I think it's very sad. However, I came across an interesting article, it suggests that people with OCD can actually make quite good partners because they tend to be more loyal, loving and sensitive because of their constant awareness of emotion. So I think there is hope for us
Kaykay, your story is inspiring. I am very happy for you! Thanks once again for helping me out!

 

[RuthD]

OCD thoughts are of doubt and are not true. I know it is sometimes hard to discern this. I have had doubts about my love for others and I tell myslef that I know I love them and it's just the OCD lies and doubts talking to me. I hope this helps.

 

[InFlux]

I'm having another concern. He's quite older than me. Not in the age where he could be my father, but still older. And I thought to myself, what if I only fell in love with him because I'm having some sort of daddy issues due to my lack of self confidence? I sort of always liked older guys more because I find them more reliable and mature than guys of my age (I am now 20, btw), and I thought that having an older boyfriend means a more stabile and longer-lasting relationship. Do you think this is bad? What is Christianity's view on relationships with an age gap?

 

[RuthD]

When I was younger I used to like guys older than me. I don't think there is anything wrong with that and can't see why there would be. Now at my age I can't go for guys too much older because I fear they will die right away. Sad but true.

 

[kaykay9.0]

I'm having another concern. He's quite older than me. Not in the age where he could be my father, but still older. And I thought to myself, what if I only fell in love with him because I'm having some sort of daddy issues due to my lack of self confidence? I sort of always liked older guys more because I find them more reliable and mature than guys of my age (I am now 20, btw), and I thought that having an older boyfriend means a more stabile and longer-lasting relationship. Do you think this is bad? What is Christianity's view on relationships with an age gap?

In the book of Ruth, Ruth marries Boaz who was quite a bit older and scripture seems to approve the match. As for your questions about WHY you like older men, I think this is an OCD obsession. I mean, does it REALLY matter why? I think your OCD is presenting dilemmas here because the relationship is important to you and OCD attacks what is important to us or that which we have fear of losing... Such as salvation, significant relationships, our health etc

 

[InFlux]

Thank you for comforting me. I think you're right. I hope that my anxiety concerning him has something to do with the fact that I have been going through some intense sexual OCD lately. I'm a little sad because until now I felt some emotions towards him almost always, and now it's just as if they're gone. I don't want to believe that my love could have vanished just like that, in one night. Let's hope that when I will have recovered from my sexual obsessions, I will feel better about my boyfriend as well. I mean, I understand that couples don't have to feel "in love" every day, but how do I know that it's really still love, and not just a "habit"?

 

[kaykay9.0]

Thank you for comforting me. I think you're right. I hope that my anxiety concerning him has something to do with the fact that I have been going through some intense sexual OCD lately. I'm a little sad because until now I felt some emotions towards him almost always, and now it's just as if they're gone. I don't want to believe that my love could have vanished just like that, in one night. Let's hope that when I will have recovered from my sexual obsessions, I will feel better about my boyfriend as well. I mean, I understand that couples don't have to feel "in love" every day, but how do I know that it's really still love, and not just a "habit"?

Well, again I think these questions are borne out of battling OCD BUT I'm going to go ahead and just say that if you would be extremely upset to not have this person in your life, it is more than just a habit. Does that make sense? But again, OCD will often cause
You to examine and obsess about your relationship endlessly if you allow it. instead of obsessing, I would ask The Lord to give you wisdom about your relationship and the just go your merry way trusting that he will show you what He would have you know and understand about your relationship. I know that's tough with OCD but try to do it.

 

[InFlux]

Ok, there is still one thing that confuses me. I keep getting thoughts about another guy. I don't know him in person, but he's a friend of my boyfriend and my bf told me about him and I also saw some pictures of him and read a few of his posts in a forum, and I thought that he seems interesting and that I would like to get to know him. And then from time to time I would imagine how my boyfriend introduces me to his friends and also that guy, and how we would chat and I would leave him a good impression. I have no idea why I'm doing that. And even though things are great with my boyfriend and I feel like he's my soul mate, I actually felt a tiny bit upset when I heard that this other guy had a girlfriend! If I had to describe how I feel about this guy, I would say that I find him "intriguing".
It could be because I have this weird habit, when it comes to guys I seem to always have a "backup plan", like if things don't work out with guy A, I'd still have guy B I could focus on. My boyfriend actually used to be guy B once. When I lost my hope that I could be with guy A, I started concentrating on guy B - now my boyfriend. I suspect that this "backup planning" also comes from my OCD because as we know, OCD people tend to create plans for everything in advance. So my mind could have unconsciously placed that guy under the "Guy B" category. And this actually happened when things weren't so good with my boyfriend once and I had no idea how things will continue for us, so that would make sense.
But I really don't know. I don't want to think about guy B anymore, I just want to be with my boyfriend! Are such thoughts about other people normal?? My boyfriend and I have been through so much together, and he's also done so much good for me, I would feel very bad if I would suddenly fell in love with another guy. What should I do??

 

[kaykay9.0]

I personally think we are always vulnerable to feeling intrigued or attracted to someone else...even after marriage. When married, however, if you are wise, you learn to shut those thoughts down before they get going too much. Before marriage, I think you just have to as
k yourself if you love your boyfriend or girlfriend enough that you are willing to shut the door on all the possibilities of other relationships. I wrestled with this when I was engaged many years ago. Only you can answer that and yes, battling OCD and the need for certainty does make that more difficult I think.

 

[InFlux]

I personally think we are always vulnerable to feeling intrigued or attracted to someone else...even after marriage. When married, however, if you are wise, you learn to shut those thoughts down before they get going too much.

How do I learn to do that?? I just have this huge fear that I will fall in love with someone else... And I don't want to... Because I really love my boyfriend and I feel good with him. I also read a few articles saying that we will always be attracted to other people even if we are happy with our partner because our brain likes the adrenaline that is being released in the early stages of a relationship, such as flirting and secretly looking at each other. But I just know from my experience that I can get obsessed with a guy very fast, in the past a little chat with a guy was enough for me to start thinking that he is my soul mate and we shall be together and stuff like that, so I'm afraid that it may be the case with this guy. However, I noticed that in my fantasies about me meeting that guy, I am still with my boyfriend and I even imagine how the other guy gets jealous when he sees how good our relationship is. What's the point in the wish of getting him jealous?? Moreover, I sometimes imagine how I break up with my boyfriend and get together with that guy, but we are together only for a short time, because I suddenly realise that I still love my boyfriend and run to tell him this, just like in the romantic movies! That's what my fantasies about that guy are. So how do I get rid of them?

 

[kaykay9.0]

How do I learn to do that?? I just have this huge fear that I will fall in love with someone else... And I don't want to... Because I really love my boyfriend and I feel good with him. I also read a few articles saying that we will always be attracted to other people even if we are happy with our partner because our brain likes the adrenaline that is being released in the early stages of a relationship, such as flirting and secretly looking at each other. But I just know from my experience that I can get obsessed with a guy very fast, in the past a little chat with a guy was enough for me to start thinking that he is my soul mate and we shall be together and stuff like that, so I'm afraid that it may be the case with this guy. However, I noticed that in my fantasies about me meeting that guy, I am still with my boyfriend and I even imagine how the other guy gets jealous when he sees how good our relationship is. What's the point in the wish of getting him jealous?? Moreover, I sometimes imagine how I break up with my boyfriend and get together with that guy, but we are together only for a short time, because I suddenly realise that I still love my boyfriend and run to tell him this, just like in the romantic movies! That's what my fantasies about that guy are. So how do I get rid of them?

Well, I dont know how to answer except that I think it is wise not to marry until you feel pretty sure you will be happy will the person for the rest of your life. Again, that said, you may have times where you are tempted to feel attracted to someone else. Married people get into trouble, though, when they don't turn away from those type of thoughts and flee the temptation of being in situations with such an individual. For example, if you find yourself thinking thoughts about that person, don't encourage them, turn it away from it. Does that make sense? We don't have to let "the attraction" rule. Does that make sense?

On the other hand, if you are single, you have the freedom still to explore your options. Don't marry until you love that person enough that you desire to turn your attentions to only him. Now with OCD, there may always be some degree of doubt if you know what I mean.

 

[InFlux]

Umm I also have a problem with Signs. I sometimes ask God to give me a sign, but because of my OCD, I seem to only notice the "bad" signs. For example, last year during a flu epidemic I was afraid of my boyfriend getting sick and I prayed to God to provide him with protection. I also asked Him to give me a sign that He will do it and that everything will be OK. However, the next day I saw funeral cars on the street. Needless to say, I was completely scared by this and took it for an extremely bad sign. I almost went crazy from worrying back then! So every time I ask for a sign and then see something bad the next day, I keep interpreting it as a bad sign and that leaves me totally stressed, even if most of these situations turn out to end well. What do I do?

 

[kaykay9.0]

Well, for one thing, most pastors will tell you that looking for a sign is not the best way of getting guidance from the Lord. In other words, its not a good thing to do. It is possible God might honor it every once in awhile (He did with Gideon in the Old Testament) but it is also a surefire way to at some point be deceived... Especially if you battle OCD.