A constant sense of foreboding...

[SolaceGarden]

I posted this in another thread but I'm really dealing with this now since I've just entered school again today in a new program after many years away from school. It's shocking how many years I've spent in this state... thinking about it really gets me down.

Has anyone ever experience something like this:

You have the overwhelming sense that your life has gone off track somewhere maybe because of a bad decision/choice. You feel that you're constantly inhabiting a place in life where every decision you make, whether it be in your best interest or not, or whether it's trivial or not, feels somehow wrong to you? No matter what choice you make, you never feel "back on track" but are constantly carrying a feeling of dread with you in all your decisions? I can't seem to part with this sense that every choice I make is wrong, feels wrong even when logically I can see that it would be good for me. I'm really battling this right now after only the first day.

It's this feeling and thinking that prevents me from seeking out a small group for fellowship and growth. The same dread that keeps me from pursuing academics or a stable job. It's the same feelings that keep me from wanting to interact with my family or combat the day. Before I can ever recall having OCD tendencies... this has always been my experience... I just haven't had to deal with these things as much since my thoughts turned to more terrifying things.

Does this make sense to anybody?

 

[DruryGirl]

Yes, actually, it makes a lot of sense. Unfortunately. Mine is slightly different. I just have a massive guilt trip where I can pretty much do no right. It's tough.

Sorry I don't really have any good advice for this. But I can in fact relate.

 

[Everlasting33]

I know what you mean.

It sounds like you are keeping yourself in a constant state of self-condemnation and shame. Nothing you do seems to feel right and you feel bad. You may feel flawed and defective.

Many times, feelings of dread originate in childhood. What do you think?

 

[seajoy]

My OCD kept me from going to college in my 20's and 30's. Now in my 40's, I have fibromyalgia and am unable to work.

I guess what I'm saying is to fight the urge to give up because you have OCD. By the time I got therapy and got better, it was too late for me to go to school.

I'm very grateful to God that my OCD no longer bothers me....but I regret what I missed while I had it.

 

[Caty]

Yes, I know what you mean I feel as if I have a rainy cloud hanging over my head all the time. As soon as I wake up, it hits me & I feel HUGE dread an guilt.

 

[SolaceGarden]

So I'm back to feeling just as condemned as always. I tried to talk to a therapist and while i think it was good to expound on some of the things that were troubling me, I never could get up enough courage to talk about the Obsessive tendencies I've had.

It only went as far as my therapist identifying that I probably had anxiety issues and needed to get a consult with my doctor for a Psychiatrist as well as to take some anti-anxilitics. I've opened up a lot to my therapist but can't seem to get to the point of sharing my darker thoughts.

I stopped going when I started my job, I think because it was more of a bother to make it there and because having my job back occupied my time and lifted my spirits somewhat. Now, I've started another job and am back to thinking myself into a depressed state. I don't want to live like this. I don't remember what it is to have good thoughts about anything, even myself.

This time of year is especially tough. It shouldn't be. I have a great family, but being around them and seeing their lives progress makes me depressed and distant. I can't even enjoy time with family anymore. I don't think my mind will ever leave me alone.

 

[shelovesChrist]

sometimes i feel like I try to take things slow all the time, so i can get out before I get too far in. but God wants us to trust in Him, He said ask and we shall receieve seek and we shall find, and He will confirm. when we have questions we must wait on Him, and He will answer. when John the Baptist asked Jesus if He was the Christ, Jesus confirmed. He will do the same for us, whether work, school, etc. I believe that. its hard, but don't feel down if you find yourself into that old mindset, just snap back and continue to wait on the Lord. He will show you what to do.

 

[SolaceGarden]

I can't get out from under the feeling of being condemned. I just keep thinking that if my family and friends really knew what I thought that I would have no one, but it kind of feels like I have no one right now. Not because my family doesn't care, but because there's a gap there that can't be bridged. They don't know what's wrong and I don't know what's wrong. I've become this super-sensitive person who turns over every little action in her head, trying to see if she did something wrong or sinful. My mind is never at peace.

Don't get me wrong, there are times where I know I've chosen to sin and sometimes I'm beligerent, maybe because of all I'm going through and feeling. Like I'm all alone and God doesn't care. Sometimes I feel like he's going to use me for some purpose since suffering in this way, but I get mad and frightened because I always assume it'll be in some way that is below what I was hoping for.

For all the time I KNOW I've sinned, there are times when I questioned whether I really WANTED to sin, or CHOSE to sin, or it's a feeling of HAVING sinned, but maybe it's just my twisted and condemning thoughts. It's like I don't know what are my own thoughts, desires, and impulses, and actions. It's all mixed up and I often wonder if I'm just saying that to protect myself from acknowledging aspects of my character. I'm so confused I don't know what my next step should be out of all of this.

 

[pkhaney]

Yes I am learning more and more by reading the threads the power satan has over our minds and especially our feelings. My advice to you and anyone who is dealing with OCD or bad thoughts or feelings is not to think according to your feelings. Good thoughts come first and then feelings alot later. I don;t know why this is but it is.