a child slapped in the face

[thunderbyrd]

when i was a child, my parents very often slapped me in the face and told me i was worthless, would never amount to anything, etc. this was pretty much every day. my parents were never happy with each other and myself and my sister were little battlegrounds for them to express their anger/hate for each other.

now i am 48 and my parents are in their late 60's.(and yes, they are still married and still miserable with each other) i am finding over and over that i am still angry with them and have to forgive them over and over in my heart. they still have low esteem towards me and i feel that they look down on me and my family.

i feel that for me to ever get past my bitterness toward them, i want them to own up to the wrongness of how they treated me and my sister. my post is to ask all of you guys a question: do you know of a book, or even a good article or study that speaks about what damage it does to a child's mind and self concept and etc when they are repeatedly slapped in the face? i want to put such a book in their hands as a way of opening a dialoge with them.

thanks.

 

[Extronic]

Perhaps this link will help: http://www.keepkidshealthy.com/welcome/commonproblems/child_abuse.html

 

[goldenviolet]

hi thunderbyrd.
what i'm going to say may sound impossible, and anger your senses. it was sure a rough course for me. it took several years for me to figure this out.
first: abuse does effect us greatly. i'm going to validate your feelings. for whatever reasons you have not been able to process past this; is irrelivant/fact of life for some of us. my assurance for you, is to reach out like you are... to your spiritual family who can be the right kind of family for you. let us be the hands and feet of God's love and promises to you. let us help you through healling and learning to continue to overcome these burdens.

my advice on this matter, is that you find away to confront your parents face to face; but first by loving them and forgiving them; the best you can. there isn't a time to 'be ready'... only a time to give into the reality that this will be painful and disruptive to you all. you need to tear down, but you need to build too. take time to love eachother. time to build eachother. time to address, mention, or confrount hurts, time away to cool off/ pray... and be prepared for any of this cycle to fluxuate.

if you think you are ready to confront your parents. first you need to realize that the dysfunction in this world is handed down from generation to generation. some people are blind to it. they don'y see it as dysfunction. they are hard in their hearts towards understanding themselves, others, and truth. the best way to break down barriers, is first to have a plan to connect with them for growth. you'll have to probly bite your lip, pray, and wait for the right time. connecting means spending time with them. talk about things good and painful. feel and watch for an open moment to share a hurt, your want for forgiveness/ healling, and your struggles. try not to attack, but work through. open them to hear from your whole heart. not just the anger. without love, and a attempt at forgiveness; or a plan to get connected and build eachother... your confrontation will most likely become another unpleasent exsperiance and memory.

if these things above are not possible... then bury your hurts into Christ, and us. the Lord promises that we can take joy in our trials, because the Lord will cause them to benefit us. and if we lack wisdom on a matter; He will give it to us freely. don't look for a quick miracle (though you may hope ), instead look for a deeping relationship with Christ. we sometimes need to go through "renewing of our minds": un-learning, and re-learning. the Lord bless you dear brother! ~ love dee

James 1:2-8
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6 But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

Romans 12:2
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

 

[thunderbyrd]

Goldenviolet: God bless you and thank you for your helpful words. Everything you've said here is true, i am sure.

I have given alot of thought and prayer to this whole problem. and what i have come to believe is that i need a book about what damage it does to a child to be slapped repeatedly in the face. forgive me, please, this whole subject makes me sick to even think about.

if anybody knows a book or study on this specific subject, i need it.

 

[ForAMomentIWillFly]

I don't know a book, I am sorry. It's horrible what you went through and God sees you are far more precious than any of that.

*hug*

 

[goldenviolet]

instead of titles, how about you search by authors?
sometimes i try this, so i research the ministers i know, instead of strangers. lol..

but norman wright is the author i seek about family matters. http://home.att.net/~familysite1/hnormanwright/hnw_home.html
the reason why is because he teaches people how to manage through real circumstances; and teaches people to un-learn the dysfunction and re-learn what God intended, and offers us now: has scriptural referances and workbook sections too. he's hands on at teaching, and speaks with such a real connection. none of that doctor lanuage and complicated or boring droning. i'm easily confused and bored. lol. his first book i picked up over ten years ago (Always Daddy's Girl), was the best seller then; and actually, it still is today's best seller. lol!
~ love dee

 

[327]

when i was a child, my parents very often slapped me in the face and told me i was worthless, would never amount to anything, etc. this was pretty much every day. my parents were never happy with each other and myself and my sister were little battlegrounds for them to express their anger/hate for each other.

now i am 48 and my parents are in their late 60's.(and yes, they are still married and still miserable with each other) i am finding over and over that i am still angry with them and have to forgive them over and over in my heart. they still have low esteem towards me and i feel that they look down on me and my family.

i feel that for me to ever get past my bitterness toward them, i want them to own up to the wrongness of how they treated me and my sister. my post is to ask all of you guys a question: do you know of a book, or even a good article or study that speaks about what damage it does to a child's mind and self concept and etc when they are repeatedly slapped in the face? i want to put such a book in their hands as a way of opening a dialoge with them.

thanks.

Have you confront them?

 

[VioletLady]

when i was a child, my parents very often slapped me in the face and told me i was worthless, would never amount to anything, etc. this was pretty much every day. my parents were never happy with each other and myself and my sister were little battlegrounds for them to express their anger/hate for each other.

now i am 48 and my parents are in their late 60's.(and yes, they are still married and still miserable with each other) i am finding over and over that i am still angry with them and have to forgive them over and over in my heart. they still have low esteem towards me and i feel that they look down on me and my family.

i feel that for me to ever get past my bitterness toward them, i want them to own up to the wrongness of how they treated me and my sister. my post is to ask all of you guys a question: do you know of a book, or even a good article or study that speaks about what damage it does to a child's mind and self concept and etc when they are repeatedly slapped in the face? i want to put such a book in their hands as a way of opening a dialoge with them.

thanks.

Hi!

I understand 100% that you feel you need your parents to confront what they have done, which is totally wrong and unacceptable. Child abuse in all forms is wrong.

However, we all make mistakes, I make them every single day with my kids, and I'm sure your parents made their fair share, if not more

Perhaps your parents will never take responsibility for what they did, and it may well be that you never get the apology/validation you deserve.

You know that you're a worthwhile person with a family who love you, and God loves you. You may be waiting for that apology from your parents a long time - can you try to be happy regardless of whether they acknowledge the wrongs of the past, in the future?

God bless you,

Love VL xxxxx

 

[Surviving]

I am so sorry to hear that you have gone through this. Unfortunately, I don't know of a book that may help you, but I hope that you get what you are looking for.

One thing I will say is that your parents may never realise what they did was wrong, and I don't want you to be hurt by this. My abuser died so i was never able to ask him all the questions that are going through my mind. This is one of my regrets, but it is something that I am working through at the moment.

 

[JobM]

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I can't give advice, but I can share my experience. I've had a similar upbringing. I was slapped, punched, called names, even bled by one of my parents. I grew up in a household of domestic violence and drug abuse.

This went on for about 12 years, (counting from when I was born) then my dad left. I was in joint custody of both my parents. The drug situation with my mom has gotten worse over 2 years. Meanwhile my dad was living with this girlfriend who really didn't like me at the time. (She would even go as far as to make up lies about me to get my dad angry at me)

The effects long outlast the incident. You'd think it get better with time, but it's not that simple. Emotional wounds don't heal like physical wounds. I went through a phase of self harming, starvation, (I've lost about 25 pounds and I was already thin) I ended up with hypoglycemia. Wound up in a vicious cycle of depression-causing-hypoglycemia-causing-depression causing-angry-bitter-moods. I got to the point where I've gotten suicidal (that's another story)

What has helped me was daily bible study, association with non-judgmental people, persistent prayer for God's guidance and wisdom. (I'm being real, not trying to come off as this insensitive pompous bible-thumper) Writing Stories and poems help too. I also have quite an imagination. (Possibly developed as a defense mechanism.) Also being able to laugh. (You'd be surprised how many people hate laughter and if they see you laughing it's World War III.)

Over the years I have learned to not expect an apology from the victimizer. He'd probably be convinced that his way of handling things was right. I've decided that what I do with my past is my choice.

Now I get along with both of my parents. In fact 5 years ago my father admitted that I have been through a lot and kept a good head on my shoulder. I think the reason I have a good head on my shoulder is because I've been through a lot.

I've learned how to take the pain of my past and turn it into my power. It is my pain that has opened me to the pain of others. From this perspective I am thankful for my experiences. I've gotten to the point where I can pray for the salvation of those who hurt me.

I've gotten to a point where I can look back and actually laugh at what I've been through. I still have recurring episodes of depression and angry moods. I am also still low on energy and sickly. But hope keeps me going. I probably havn't been through that much, but it was enough for me.

 

[thunderbyrd]

i want to say thank you very much to everyone who replied to this thread. and thank you very much to those who sent me PM's.

it's very strange: this whole topic just fills me with so much dread and misery. the enemy uses it to attack me over and over - tho i don't let him win, i always rebuke him and forgive my parents in faith. "forgiving them in faith" means that i absolutely pray for them, try to honor them, forgive them in my heart over and over, AND BELIEVE THAT GOD WILL BRING THE ULTIMATE VICTORY.

But i cannot let go of the belief that they must acknowledge their wrongdoing. my parents are Christians who are committed to their church. they read their Bible and they pray. they also look down on me and my family and talk about us and think about us as 3d class people. they also hold my past, which is not good, over me. it grieves me so much. what exactly it would take for me to do that would change their concept of me, i don't know.

BUT THERE IS GOOD NEWS. our Gracious Lord has helped me much in the past 3 months with every other aspect of life. this matter of my parents is a great "walled city" in my life that i am confident He can conquer. so i ask anyone and everyone who will, to pray for me on this matter.

this whole subject is so strangley hard for me to write/talk about - but thank you, good folks, for caring. God Bless You.

 

[Tsadde]

thunderbyrd, I have learned there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation (I am not using this word in the Roman Catholic sacrament of penance sense but rather meaning the restoration of a close relationship.)

To me forgiveness is "letting go" of what ever deficit the abuser caused either by ommission or commission. When I could rely on Jesus Christ to supply me with the things my abusers "owed" me, (like healthy self-respect, confidence, sleep without nightmares or flashbacks, believing that God liked me, the ability to trust etc.) I could afford to forgive their debt and break the emotional trauma bond that sucked the life out of me for so long. I quit being deeply hurt everytime they acted the way they have always acted because I was hoping against hope that they would somehow change and make up for the past.

Reconciliation, restoring a trusting close friendship, however, does require the other party to admit fault and ask forgiveness. This was heart-breaking for me to realize as when I told them what I remembered and how much it hurt and what the consequences of their sin was in my life they angrily denied any such thing happening and accused me of making it up and/or having false memories due to "mental illness." (Well I WAS depressed. It was one of the consequences. duh) Two minutes later one said, "Do you think I derived any pleasure out of that?" thus inadvertantly admitting that it did happen.

I have let go. I beg God to forgive them and not hold these sins against them, but my relationship with them, like yours, is one of respect, and honouring their position, but, alas, is not close. I do not leave my children there alone. I do not confide in them. Trust has not been restored.

I pray now (with tears and pleading) that they will confess and ask forgiveness of God out of love for them and not out of a sense of wanting vindication for myself. They are not thriving spiritually. They are Christians, but live a joyless life. They are elderly and I want desperately for them to get right with God before they die.

I keep praying.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I once encountered a book called "Healing for Damaged Emotions," but I can't recall the name of the author, and I don't know if it's still in print. I'll look that up and get back to you.

EDIT:

Here's the link: http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=62228

 

[Notrash]

I can't offer a book suggestion, but I can offer support for your felt need to confront your parents with their attitutes and damage done and your fears in trusting them.

Jesus taught that if we are praying and have a rememberence of someone whom we have offended, we are to go immediately to that person and seek forgiveness and restoration.

More importantly, he teaches that if someone has offended us with a fault, we should go to them and confront them. If they remain unrepentant and do not hear us, we shouild take a brother with us and repeat the process. Finally, if they still do not hear us, we should take it to the congregation.

Perhaps part of the battle is that churches in general do not practice interpersonal accountability.

It may help to rehearse in your mind or even list on paper those things which you would desire to confront them with about the past and then especially the present damage that continues because they have never acknoledged or confessed being ungodly parents.

One of the best books I've read on personal feelings is "in search of dignity" by R.C. Sproul. In it he applies the dignity and our being created in the image of Glory to various emplyments and seasons /situations of life....both exposing how the 'world' de-humanizes us and then some examples of Godly perspectives of higher self worths in thos same situations/seasons.

The danger of continuing without such a confrontation maybe a relapse into slavery to the perspectives of their past treatments as a cloud of oppression. Jesus ways are always wholistic and healthy.

"I have come that you might have LIFE and have it in all it's abundance.

Trust his Guidance and perform His Steps. Hopefully you have support from your husband and if not, a close Christian friend.

 

[AxionEsti]

You can run a search at Amazon.com for subjects in the books section. They have reviews of their books, and maybe you can get a sense of an author's writing whether or not it will help you. They also have a few pages of the books so you can read the first few to get an idea the way the book is written.