A "break"

UnbrokenSoul · Apr 26, 2007

Well, today I was hit very hard with something I did not see coming at all.. My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years told me we needed to take a break from each other... her reason was that she needed to "find herself and get closer to God" and also that I needed to strengthen my walk..

anyways, as much as I hated to, I respected her decision and agreed to take the "break". we are still considered b/f and g/f, but we will not talk everyday or hangout... we are pretty much friends that are reserved for each other, nothing more.. i know i will have a hard time with this...

I agree that I am distant from God, and maybe that is why she feels the need for such action.. i've been trying to get closer to God, but never stick with it, i just keep backsliding, and i usually bring her down with me... anything from sexual things, to drinking..

is there anyone who has gone through a "break" period to get closer to God... is there any advice anyone can give me that will help me discipline myself into getting my life straight again?

everything in my life is going great, including my job.. and up until today, my relationship seemed to be wonderful.. but its missing the spiritual part of it.. I grew up in church and it is VERY hard for me to become interested in the Bible... I do believe in God, and am born-again... but i am cold to things relating to my faith

HELP ME!!!

ps.. sorry for the rant.. my thoughts are very scattered right now, been a tough week

peanutbutter12 · Apr 26, 2007

I personally don't believe breaks should be part of any relationship. Relationships aren't easy sometimes, but I believe the best way to fix a problem is to work together and work through it. There are no breaks in marriage. There are no "I think we should take a few weeks apart from each other". The only way to deal with an issue is head on and working together to remove that issue. If you can't do that as a couple, you will never survive a marriage together. Especially if you've been together this long. You should both know by now how to deal with situations as a couple rather than dealing with them separately.

Just my .02

CJ

Monaleezza · Apr 26, 2007

I agree with Terrasin that breaks aren't really the way to go. But as you ARE on a break I guess what needs addressing is how you strengthen yourself spiritually in order to go back to your relationship a spiritually enhanced person.

What you need to do is become accountable spiritually to someone.
Maybe a parent or a pastor or an elder from your church? Maybe even a close friend whose spiritual /relationship you admire.

Ask this person to look our for you. Calling you daily to pray with you and empowering you. And maybe studying the bible with you every other day.

Join a small group. This way you don't have to do it alone.

Buy a book. And commit yourself to reading it daily.
Check out Amazon, there must be a book on there teaching how to be a spiritual leader. Maybe work with another male who is struggling with the same thing?

It's up to you how much you put in is how much you will get out.

But you need to do it because you love God, not just because you love your girlfriend.
I wish you both well. God Bless.

mikeyp · Apr 26, 2007

perhaps I could offer a little encouragement?

I don't believe that breaks should be part of a relationship just for the sake of having a break, but sometimes, they're needed for other reasons... I think the following applies to you though.

A few weeks ago, Lisa and I both realised together that God was trying to tell us something, and after much prayer and thought, we decided that we both needed to get back close to God. We'd become more dependent on each other than God. God gave me an idea... and I asked Lisa if perhaps she would like to spend a whole week not talking, but the condition was that all the time we would have spent talking to each other, we spent with God. This would have been a mixture of praying, reading the bible, and just laying listening for God to speak to us. I chose to do a week long bible study, on God's purpose for us. It turned out to be just what I needed and God taught me so many things that week.
During that week, I also asked God what He wanted for me and Lisa, beacuse... I don't want to pursue something if it isn't what God wants for me... do God gave me a daydream... it wasn't like any normal daydream though... somehow I just knew it was God speaking to me... it was only short, it was just me and Lisa, sitting in a church together, holding hands and praying.
We had agreed to make a journal of everything we had done and experienced. Everything God said to us, and at the end of the week, we were to send them to each other. It's amazing how God tells us the same things, and just reading through Lisa's journal, I learned so so much too. Something else amazing though, when asked the same question, God gave Lisa the same dream.
As a result of that week, we are so much closer to God and God has brought us much much closer to each other. I don't think that'll be the last time we do that either. I love her with all my heart, and any time apart from her drives me crazy, but God has to be number one in our lives.

I hope you find that to be the encouragement you and your girlfriend need. If she's said you need time apart, why not suggest to her that you do what we did. You may find it works wonders.

UnbrokenSoul · Apr 26, 2007

mikeyp said:
perhaps I could offer a little encouragement?

I don't believe that breaks should be part of a relationship just for the sake of having a break, but sometimes, they're needed for other reasons... I think the following applies to you though.

A few weeks ago, Lisa and I both realised together that God was trying to tell us something, and after much prayer and thought, we decided that we both needed to get back close to God. We'd become more dependent on each other than God. God gave me an idea... and I asked Lisa if perhaps she would like to spend a whole week not talking, but the condition was that all the time we would have spent talking to each other, we spent with God. This would have been a mixture of praying, reading the bible, and just laying listening for God to speak to us. I chose to do a week long bible study, on God's purpose for us. It turned out to be just what I needed and God taught me so many things that week.
During that week, I also asked God what He wanted for me and Lisa, beacuse... I don't want to pursue something if it isn't what God wants for me... do God gave me a daydream... it wasn't like any normal daydream though... somehow I just knew it was God speaking to me... it was only short, it was just me and Lisa, sitting in a church together, holding hands and praying.
We had agreed to make a journal of everything we had done and experienced. Everything God said to us, and at the end of the week, we were to send them to each other. It's amazing how God tells us the same things, and just reading through Lisa's journal, I learned so so much too. Something else amazing though, when asked the same question, God gave Lisa the same dream.
As a result of that week, we are so much closer to God and God has brought us much much closer to each other. I don't think that'll be the last time we do that either. I love her with all my heart, and any time apart from her drives me crazy, but God has to be number one in our lives.

I hope you find that to be the encouragement you and your girlfriend need. If she's said you need time apart, why not suggest to her that you do what we did. You may find it works wonders.

Reading this is quite encouraging.. I have been so distant from God, and I was affecting her walk with Him also... I think God put it in her heart to do this.. she told me she still loves me, but i am #1 in her life right now, and she needs God to be #1..

After last night, I have tried to think more in spiritual terms.. because i couldn't stop thinking in human terms how much i will miss her the time we are apart.. what God is telling me is that I need to become the spiritual leader in my relationship.. and until I get there I will not be in a Godly relationship.. and if my relationship does not please God, it wil NOT work... i have sat and thought about it long and hard.. I am making her miserable, because she wants me to be someone I am not currently (spiritually speaking).. and this experience is like the slap in the face that I need to wake up, not only for my relationship to work out, but also for myself.. I am just so far from God I am terrified about how things will be.. I know He won't make it easy for me, because I have been so bad.. I will need to prioritize my life.. but mostly I need to learn how to give control of my life to HIM.. I like to be in control of thing, and it will be hard for me, but i need to take a leap of faith...

I will take your advice and look for a spiritual buddy.. maybe my Dad, where he has certain autority over me and i will not take what he says lightly.. it is hard to be accountable to friends

I really appreciate your advice it has really helped me clear my head, and look ahead to what it is i need to do..Keep praying for me...

mikeyp · Apr 26, 2007

I will keep praying.
If you'd like a suggestion, try this week long bible study... it's from a conference but it's thought provoking and highly doable alone.
Do it as a journal, do the prayer, reading and reflection in the morning, and let it sink in during the day, and the questions and thought for the day in the evening. Copy everything into a word document, add your own thoughts, play about with it, really get stuck in, and do it... by the end of the week, mine turned into 45 pages... then at the end of it all, email it to your girlfriend to read.. and she will see what you've got out of it... Lisa loved reading mine.

I hope that really helps you.
I'll be praying.

MrsSeptemberPenguin · Apr 26, 2007

Monaleezza said:
What you need to do is become accountable spiritually to someone.
Maybe a parent or a pastor or an elder from your church? Maybe even a close friend whose spiritual /relationship you admire.

Ask this person to look our for you. Calling you daily to pray with you and empowering you. And maybe studying the bible with you every other day.

Join a small group. This way you don't have to do it alone.

Buy a book. And commit yourself to reading it daily.
Check out Amazon, there must be a book on there teaching how to be a spiritual leader. Maybe work with another male who is struggling with the same thing?

It's up to you how much you put in is how much you will get out.

But you need to do it because you love God, not just because you love your girlfriend.
I wish you both well. God Bless.

This is really good advice. In a lot of ways you just have to choose to do it. Commit to yourself, as well as someone else. Make keeping your word a very important commitment. Ask God for the desire to be hungry for him.

Monaleezza · Apr 26, 2007

At the end of the period you choose, let us know if our advice has worked. If that' not too intrusive.
You can be somewhat accountable to us.
Next time you come to this discussion we can question how faithful you've been to building your relationship with God and using the time away from your relationship wisely.

UnbrokenSoul · Apr 26, 2007

not intrusive at all

I am glad that God put this forum in my Google search for "Christian advice"

I appreciate the kind words and encouragement... I will try and follow your advices, and leave my relationship with her in God's hands... I'll let God hold some of my stress now, I've had final exams, jury duty, and a part-time job,, and on top of that this incident... yea, life could be worse, I know, but it's been a rough week for me, stress-wise

I need to learn to make time for God in my extremely busy schedule.. I made time for my girlfriend before, there is no reason I can't make time for Him.. Believe it or not I think I have grown closer to Him overnight, but lets hope it lasts after my emotions settle down.. I will start a daily devotional.. I think that's a good start and try to do things that will keep my focus on him...easier said than done...We shall see how I do...

kuntrygurl_26 · Apr 26, 2007

I don't believe in taking breaks, either you are together or not.

UnbrokenSoul · Apr 27, 2007

I don't believe in breaks either.. but in this case, she made very good points on our spiritual maturity... and it's not that she doesn't want to be with me.. the problem is that I am #1 in her life right now, and she is #1 in mine.. and that needs to change, we need to set our priorities straight before we continue our serious relationship. There is no picking or choosing with God... You are either doing things His way or you are doing things your way... We need to do things His way if we really love each other and want our relationship to be pleasing to God..

The more time I think about this and pray, the more I see this will benefit us both.. I thank God for sending me such a strong woman, I have a very strong character (and a bad case of hardheadedness), and I need something dramatic and drastic to wake me up.. God has been trying to get my attention, and He finally has it!!

Praise Be to God and His mysterious ways...

UnbrokenSoul · Apr 27, 2007

Good News! This morning I woke up an extra hour earlier than usual, and devoted it to God. I have this devotional book that my College and Career group at church began doing, but I never put interest in it and just left it collecting dust.

It's called Experiencing God...This moring I got through the first lesson, and its message was to let God guide my life.. I need to stop trying to control every aspect of my life, and trust that He will guide me into a path that is best for me

I am praying that this experience with God will help me become a man of God.

UnbrokenSoul · Apr 29, 2007

Well, I've continued to pray and to do my devotionals, and God has put it in my heart, and in hers, that we should just break up for the moment..

We do still love each other, and would love things to work out...but we want God to bring us together, not just our emotions... I am happy that I am finally getting close to God..everything else will fall into place in His time..

Weasel7711 · Apr 30, 2007

You might not like what I am going to say, but this is my experience. I was halfway in your shoes, halfway in your g/fs shoes last year. My girlfriend and I had been together for about 7 or 8 months at that point but we had made a lot of bad decisions, getting physically involved, and completely neglecting our walks with God. I knew we had to break up but I went with the "let's take a break" escape. It hurt at the time, probably hurt her much more than it hurt me but it still hurt. Anyway, it was another tough 8 months of God kicking my butt back to him, dragging me to a Christian school I swore to myself I would never attend and eventually bringing me the girl of my dreams. Not sure what God has planned for you, but take it from me whatever it is, if you follow Him, it WILL be worth it in the end, although it may not seem like it at the time.

UnbrokenSoul · Apr 30, 2007

Right now I would only want her, but if it's in God's will to put another girl in my path.. so be it.. I cannot control the situation, only God can.. I can say though, that God has put it in our hearts to love each other, even during this break up.. and it's main purpose is for good things, not really to go off and meet other people.. if God does allow us to meet other people, then it was not meant to be..

I pray that God's will is done.. I'll be devastated if it's not to be with her.. but like all things, time will pass and I would move on.. I have matured tremendously in the last week due to this experience, and I will not let it go to waste

Monaleezza · May 1, 2007

Well said.
Keep up the good work, it's for your spiritual life and your relationship and all your devotion will pay off.

ashley lynne · May 2, 2007

mikeyp said:
perhaps I could offer a little encouragement?

I don't believe that breaks should be part of a relationship just for the sake of having a break, but sometimes, they're needed for other reasons... I think the following applies to you though.

A few weeks ago, Lisa and I both realised together that God was trying to tell us something, and after much prayer and thought, we decided that we both needed to get back close to God. We'd become more dependent on each other than God. God gave me an idea... and I asked Lisa if perhaps she would like to spend a whole week not talking, but the condition was that all the time we would have spent talking to each other, we spent with God. This would have been a mixture of praying, reading the bible, and just laying listening for God to speak to us. I chose to do a week long bible study, on God's purpose for us. It turned out to be just what I needed and God taught me so many things that week.
During that week, I also asked God what He wanted for me and Lisa, beacuse... I don't want to pursue something if it isn't what God wants for me... do God gave me a daydream... it wasn't like any normal daydream though... somehow I just knew it was God speaking to me... it was only short, it was just me and Lisa, sitting in a church together, holding hands and praying.
We had agreed to make a journal of everything we had done and experienced. Everything God said to us, and at the end of the week, we were to send them to each other. It's amazing how God tells us the same things, and just reading through Lisa's journal, I learned so so much too. Something else amazing though, when asked the same question, God gave Lisa the same dream.
As a result of that week, we are so much closer to God and God has brought us much much closer to each other. I don't think that'll be the last time we do that either. I love her with all my heart, and any time apart from her drives me crazy, but God has to be number one in our lives.

I hope you find that to be the encouragement you and your girlfriend need. If she's said you need time apart, why not suggest to her that you do what we did. You may find it works wonders.

Good Lord, Mikey. How is it that someone so young be so wise?! Wisdom comes with experience and clearly Mikey has some...either that or he just rocks at giving advice.

UnbrokenSoul - Forcing a relationship is probably the worst thing you could. I'm so glad that you and your girlfriend (ex?) have made a decision. I pray that the Lord will give you both peace and comfort right now. I don't believe in "taking breaks"...but I was once the one asking for one. "Breaks" are usually a sign of break ups. In my case, I was scared to be honest with the guy I was with because it felt like he was forcing our relationship. Which he was. I told him I felt God guiding us down different paths and he insisted we stay together. I didn't want to hurt him, so I wasn't honest. And with not being honest I hurt him even more. Anyway, we ended up breaking up. Usually "breaks" are a sign of breaking up...but not always. I wish you the best of luck!
Mikey's idea with his girlfriend was an awesome one! And it worked too! Good for you, Mikey!

ashley lynne · May 2, 2007

UnbrokenSoul said:
Right now I would only want her, but if it's in God's will to put another girl in my path.. so be it.. I cannot control the situation, only God can.. I can say though, that God has put it in our hearts to love each other, even during this break up.. and it's main purpose is for good things, not really to go off and meet other people.. if God does allow us to meet other people, then it was not meant to be..

I pray that God's will is done.. I'll be devastated if it's not to be with her.. but like all things, time will pass and I would move on.. I have matured tremendously in the last week due to this experience, and I will not let it go to waste

Usually you would spend this time with her, correct? So, in hopes that you two do come together again, spend this time with God and pray for His will. Do what Mikey did. Replace the time you'd spend with her with spending time with God. God has so many plans for you. Even though thinking of not being with her breaks your heart I promise the Lord will mend it if you're not meant to be. It might be hard to believe (I once had a hard time believing it)...but the pain does ease after a while. Love and hurt is such a hard thing to give over to God, but God will ease your pain and make it so much easier.
You're in my prayers!

UnbrokenSoul · May 2, 2007

Thanks for all the advice everyone.. Well, here's a little update...

Monday night, she calls me... and we end up getting a lot of things figured out... a big thing we lacked in our relationship was communication... anyways, she told me that she has seen me transform in the last week as far as my focus.. and that she sees how un-worried I was and how I had given it over to God... anyways, we ended up almost getting back together in that conversation, but I told her to think it over.. she needs to be sure that she wants to be with me, and that I was the one for her, because I am interested in a lifetime partner, not just another year..

Tuesday night.. she invites me to goto the movies.. we flirt a bunch, like little school children in love, it was really cute.. anyways after the movie we had another LOOONG talk.. this talk ends up in many very long hugs, lots of crying, and getting many things straight... we
are still just friends, but we have reconciled everything we were doing wrong in our relationship, and we discussed what God had revealed to us in this short break.. she still needs to get other things straightened out in her head in regards to herself and God.. but I told her to take all the time she needed, because when she comes back to this relationship we both will be ready to be in a Godly relationship... We have agreed that God has shown us we are meant for each other, and we will stay together, but not right now...

I am so happy God is just answering all our prayers.. He is good!

mikeyp · May 4, 2007

awww yay! that's amazing. Doesn't God work wonders when you get close to Him?
So my advice now you're closer to God... is don't stop working on it. You need to keep working on your relationship with God for Him to keep blessing you like this... When you start to slide, God fires these warning shots. Can you see how having failed to get your attention for so long, it took drastic action to get it? It got the result He wanted right? And now you've got things straight with God He's working things out.
Here's what you gotta do now.
Pray. Don't stop praying. Don't stop giving yourself, your feelings and your troubles over to God. Don't just pray when times are tough either, remember to pray when things are good too. I thank God every night for Lisa when I go to bed. I thank Him for giving me the most amazing and beautiful girl in the world, with the most beautiful heart and amazing passion for God. God loves it when you pray about the good things.
Bible. Keep reading your bible. I'm actually reading my way through the bible at the moment. I'm just getting to the end of 2 Chronicles. Kings and Chronicles are horrendously long, but I've since realised that they need to be that long to get the message across. It's essentially the story of the Israelites, how each of their Kings treated God, and how God respectively blessed or punished the people. Kings who did what pleased God had long successful reigns, kings who disobeyed God or outright rejected Him brought destruction on themselves. Apply that to our lives, and you'll notice how things are better when you get close to God and how when you start to drift, while God doesn't let go, things dont seem to go as they should. Lisa and I do devotions together whenever we can, and that is the most amazing feeling, connecting with God together, and we provoke each other's thoughts. Why not try it with your girlfriend? Ask her if you can both do some bible studies together, and watch the look on her face but I also read the bible alone, and that helps enormously too.

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