.

WanderedHome · May 5, 2020

LaBèlla said:
While replying to a post I had an epiphany of sorts which inspired the question I'm posing today. Two lattes may have added a bit of clarity as well.

So, why are you single? What's holding you back? Don't focus on a person or situation in your answer. Consider your contribution to the dilemma.

In a sea of singles, why are you free?

I was 25, in college, and worrying about finding a wife. One night a prayed and entrusted my singleness to God and haven't worried about it much since.
Occasionally I went on a few dates from online connections, but didn't really find anyone going my direction.... Though, it was probably because I never seem to get past the introduction/basic info exchange/"Nice to meet you" phase. Plus, I am horrible about keeping in touch with people. It doesn't have anything to do with women, I am the same way with men. All conversation is just related to our activity in common, for as long as that lasts.
At the present time, I worship at a church that is not very popular in these parts of the world so the "pickin's are slim," as they say. All the women even somewhat close to my age are now married with families.

Maybe I just need to embrace singleness and stop holding out hope

Niels · May 5, 2020

LaBèlla said:
I don’t think anyone is blaming their flaws. We’ve had honest admissions regarding thoughts and behaviors that were not aligned with our desires for companionship. Acknowledging that is important. It prevents you from derailing yourself.

It takes courage to admit you’re getting in the way. And I’m glad they did. The truth is freeing.

You said you haven’t met her. But marriage is sanctifying. We enter in one guise and through Him we’re refined. Some of the qualities we hold dear may be sloughed away or retooled in a different manner for His purpose.

You haven’t encountered the holiness He’s crafting. You haven’t seen the finished product in yourself or the other. You’re a work-in-process. It’s the unexpected delight of who you’ll become that’s the jewel.

The becoming is the prize. Not the wrapper we arrived in.

~Bella

People shouldn't feel the need to publicly flog themselves over something like this. Decades of life experience tells me that singles are on average no better or worse than those who are in relationships.

Marriage isn't sanctifying; it's sanctified. The institution has sanctity, but the individuals involved are still just as imperfect as when they were single. Sanctification isn't something we get by having a spouse. That is freely given by God, regardless of our relationship status.

bèlla · May 5, 2020

bèlla · May 5, 2020

Ronit · May 5, 2020

Waiting for the right one. Not perfect, just the one the Lord provides. Hopefully he'll speak Polish.
(joke)

bèlla · May 5, 2020

Hieronymus · May 5, 2020

LaBèlla said:
While replying to a post I had an epiphany of sorts which inspired the question I'm posing today. Two lattes may have added a bit of clarity as well.

So, why are you single? What's holding you back? Don't focus on a person or situation in your answer. Consider your contribution to the dilemma.

In a sea of singles, why are you free?

I think i prefer it, actually.

pantingdeer · May 5, 2020

I need to start being a better friend to people if I want people to start being a better friend to me.
Maybe if I start like this I can maybe make that friend into a female companion : )

WanderedHome · May 5, 2020

LaBèlla said:
That isn't a deal breaker. Some people are natural conversationalists or really good at maintaining connections. They're rich in hospitality and draw others in and never forget life events or special moments. Doing it is enjoyable. They're in their element.
~Bella

Well, I appreciate that, thank you.

I don't think so. There were several threads on this topic in the EO forum. You may benefit from a helpful couple or older woman who's aware of the available women in your area.

Well, I am 40 and I know of 2 single women who are like late 20's or early 30's. I am open to early 30's for the right person, but neither seem to have the complimentary personality I'm looking for. I am really not too picky, I just want an extrovert who is not too emotionally/spiritually immature... she should be at least about as immature as me

I did try an online site once and found someone in the Eastern countries, but that was an absolute trainwreck. I know not all women over there are like that one, but it is hard to step out into that again. I find the mindset in different cultures is quite different than in the States... Anyway, like you said, get in good with all the old ladies at church who might have nice granddaughters!

Niels · May 5, 2020

LaBèlla said:
Admitting a challenge isn't flogging. If that was so the self-help industry would be penniless. For some, it's not disquieting. You may feel differently and that's fine.

I've seen too many singles let their self-proclaimed flaws hold them back.

Mindfully addressing one's own shortcomings through introspection and personal growth is empowering. On the other hand, claiming to be single "because of this or that flaw" rarely is. For one, there's no guarantee that resolving one's issues will lead to a relationship. Also, the world is full of flawed individuals who are already married or dating. It didn't stop them. They aren't more flawed than singles, of course, but they also aren't less flawed.

There's often a misconception within Christian circles that married folks, or even those who are just dating, must be more mature or further along on their spiritual journey than those who aren't. That simply isn't true.

LaBèlla said:
The majority of the couples I've known intimately or helped to establish acknowledge how each contributed to their growth. The degree of investment and intention will differ. For some, it's part of the mission.

Bettered doesn't occur because they're united. It takes place because they're committed to moving in that direction collectively. That's the mindset I'm referencing in the comment.

~Bella

That's wonderful, but each relationship is unique. So is each individual. I would caution against relying on another person for one's sense of sanctification.

bèlla · May 5, 2020

bèlla · May 5, 2020

NW82 · May 6, 2020

LaBèlla said:
I suspected that was the case. Is it possible you can reconcile your feelings and start again? What would you need from God to make that happen?

~Bella

I can't reconcile something that was so right and clear falling apart despite my doing everything I could to make it work. I need God to tell me why he wants me to be alone.

Ronit · May 6, 2020

Andrew98 said:
I need to start being a better friend to people if I want people to start being a better friend to me.
Maybe if I start like this I can maybe make that friend into a female companion : )

Hi Czesc. Sorry I don't have the accents right. I'm still learning. I just started back up in learning Polish.
So welcome Friend and Brother and I hope all works out
Dobranoc- Good night
God be with you
Ronit

Ronit · May 6, 2020

WanderedHome said:
Well, I appreciate that, thank you.

Well, I am 40 and I know of 2 single women who are like late 20's or early 30's. I am open to early 30's for the right person, but neither seem to have the complimentary personality I'm looking for. I am really not too picky, I just want an extrovert who is not too emotionally/spiritually immature... she should be at least about as immature as me

I did try an online site once and found someone in the Eastern countries, but that was an absolute trainwreck. I know not all women over there are like that one, but it is hard to step out into that again. I find the mindset in different cultures is quite different than in the States... Anyway, like you said, get in good with all the old ladies at church who might have nice granddaughters!

Aw, I'm in my late thirties. Extrovert ( That was my uncle) I can be a bit of both but i prefer a good book or quiet dinner compared to big parties. Anyways,
I wish you all the best
Blessings
Ronit

Ronit · May 6, 2020

Could it be that the End is coming sooner than we thought and that's why people are having a hard time finding the right one? Because the Bride is being adorned?
Just a thought.

Ronit · May 6, 2020

LaBèlla said:
I saw this while looking for an image for the positive thread and thought of you.

~Bella

View attachment 276262

Thanks Bella

JustSomeBloke · May 6, 2020

VMaeLove said:
I am certainly not denying it goes both ways.
I do think there is a line of reasonable and healthy Expectations and not. But observation in our connected Surrounding it sounds most one sided.

Ignoring tells at any time during a Relationship because of *some reason* will always lead to bad outcome.
Maybe this is because if People discover what they want at the middle of a Relationship. And that comes to knowing you are ready for a Relationship or not. Or Maturity.

I agree that it goes both ways, and that there is a range of healthy expectations. I think research has shown that the most successful long term relationships are founded on compromise and tolerance, and the ability to work through and resolve differences. With that in mind, accepting some amount of moulding and shaping from your partner is inevitable in any successful relationship. But there must be limits to the level of moulding and shaping. It is not acceptable to completely change someone's image, identity, and personality to try and make them fit to your own ideal. It's like trying to force a square peg into a round hole, either the peg or the hole will be seriously damaged. And if you can't find someone who fits, it is better to remain single.

Of course there are always exceptions. There is a small proportion of people who actively seek out a partner who will mould them, shape them, and mentor them, often with some kind of motivational framework in place to achieve those changes and goals. But those relationships are not very common, and are only suited to a specific combination of personalities, where one person prefers making decisions and mentoring, and the other person prefers receiving instructions and guidance.

You come across as a genuine, sweet, caring person. I hope you find someone who is your perfect match.

bèlla · May 6, 2020

bèlla · May 6, 2020

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