3 years

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

Just a few weeks from now marks the three year point of when I was going to commit suicide. God saved me from that, and gave me incredible joy for a short time afterwards. Since then the same feelings of hopelessness and pain are constantly recurring. There is a purpose for everything right? It says that in the Bible over and over. Something good will come of this- it's just so hard to believe.

 

[Rosa Mystica]

Just a few weeks from now marks the three year point of when I was going to commit suicide. God saved me from that, and gave me incredible joy for a short time afterwards. Since then the same feelings of hopelessness and pain are constantly recurring. There is a purpose for everything right? It says that in the Bible over and over. Something good will come of this- it's just so hard to believe.

Sweetie, I'm often depressed and suicidal myself. What you are experiencing is very common for a clinical depressive. I'm very thankful that you survived your near suicide attempt- some don't survive, b/c they manage to complete it successfully. I'm glad that you're alive, though.

Are you in therapy, by any chance? If not, then you should consider it. Perhaps meds could help you, too (didn't work for me, but they might for you).

I know it's hard to believe that there's a purpose to everything- heck, I believe that I'm destined to live a life totally devoid of love. But I think you should keep trying to believe this, anyway.

PM me if you wanna talk. I'm here for you.

Rosa Mystica

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

No, I'm not in therapy or on meds. I probably should be- one or the other or maybe both. Actually, I've never even been diagnosed, though I've done a lot of research on my own. I'm sure that if I were to go to a doctor that I would be diagnosed clinically depressed. Goodness, I have just about every symptom there is. I can't talk to anyone about it though. I tried to once- before I tried to commit suicide, but they didn't do anything. I'd rather just not tell anyone and not have to suffer them not caring or taking me seriously. Six years...I've made it six years with this as a secret. I'll be ok. (Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.)

 

[Rosa Mystica]

No, I'm not in therapy or on meds. I probably should be- one or the other or maybe both. Actually, I've never even been diagnosed, though I've done a lot of research on my own. I'm sure that if I were to go to a doctor that I would be diagnosed clinically depressed. Goodness, I have just about every symptom there is. I can't talk to anyone about it though. I tried to once- before I tried to commit suicide, but they didn't do anything. I'd rather just not tell anyone and not have to suffer them not caring or taking me seriously. Six years...I've made it six years with this as a secret. I'll be ok. (Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.)

I agree that some professionals can be idiots, but not all are like this. After years of seeking, I have finally found an awesome counsellor who treats me like a human being (and she's Catholic, too). So, while I can understand not wanting to talk to anyone about this, I think that your suffering has the potential to get worse if you don't.

Sweetie, I'm a depressive and an OCD victim. None of this stuff is fun to talk about- especially my horrendous and disgusting obsessions. However, I've had issues w/ some of this stuff for close to a decade, and it DOESN'T just go away by not acknowledging it. Trust me, I know from experience.

Life CAN get better. It needn't always be this way. Try to trust me on this one, okay?

God Bless,
Rosa Mystica

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

I've never spoken to a professional- therein lying the problem possibly. The person I approached was a leader at my church, upon the suggestion from nearly every book or website I researched at to tell a trusted adult about the problem. That, however, got me nowhere, and after seeing the apathy of that person upon telling them, I decided not to further my search. It's quite easy to measure how those closest to me would react, but it wouldn't be a helpful one.
You're quite right, my depression does have potential to worsen without treatment. I've been doing more research lately, and that is made quite obvious. All signs point to seeking immediate help. That, however, seems to be an impossibility for me right now. I have neither the will, nor the means to seek help right now, much as my heart screams for it at times.
I have faith that things will be better one day, and I'm holding onto that. I'm not going to become suicidal again (though there have been fleeting thoughts, they are never serious like they were before), and I have to hold onto that hope. It just may be a day a long time away. I accept that- I've had to. I've even made a list- my "someday list" I call it- that lists all of the good things that can happen then.

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

I just posted a poem- tells a little bit of what I'm going through. I wrote it recently before the suicide attempt. Here's the link: http://www.christianforums.com/t1147962-why-cant-you-see.html.

 

[Dexx]

Six years...I've made it six years with this as a secret. I'll be ok. (Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.)

You may be ok, but will you be well? Someone who is clinically depressed usually doesnt just 'get better'. Do you really want to spend your life in a fog? A friend of mine was depressed for so long that he could no longer remember what it was like not to be. He became emotionally numb and lived each day half in a daze. He hoped for nothing and grieved for nothing. His depressed state became a security to him - terrible though it was. He was afraid of change. He was afraid of failure.

You can live at the bottom of a well. But is that really living?

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

I can relate all too well to your friend. The answer to your question of course, is no. No, living like this is not really living. You know, it is hard, because depression does become security. As painful as it can be, when it's the only thing you know, you latch onto it. At least there's one constant in your life, you know? It's difficult to get past that. There've been many times I've wondered what it would be like not to feel this way, and it's scary. I can't remember NOT feeling like this. That doesn't mean that I don't want to get better. I do. I simply cannot see a possible way for me to do so. It's obvious with all the research I've done that I can't get better without help. It is also obvious that help is not something easy to come by.

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

Mea Culpa...Latin for "I am to blame". Am I to blame for all that I'm feeling? Is it my fault? Am I being prideful and self centered? Is this punishment? Could it be that my only problem is in my head- in my heart? I truly cannot decide if it is easier or harder to blame myself. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know which way is up. I don't want to believe that a problem that has plagued me for over 6 years is simply a result of negative thinking. I think I have become self-centered to an extent. It's a hard thing to admit, and I want to say that it's not my fault, but I'm not sure that would be honest.
It hurts SO bad sometimes just to get out of bed in the morning and do the things I must do every day, but is it possible to focus on serving God through that and not focus on how I feel? Yes, I believe it is. I do try, but not as hard as I should. When I wake in the morning, it is often with an already present sense of sadness, discontent, hopelessness, and unmotivation. Could I replace this with God's word? I believe I could. I could wake up in the morning, regardless of how I feel and start the day with prayer and scripture. For about a year, during my years of depression, I tried this. It did help. The pain was still there, but I had a constant sense of God being there as well. I lost that. I am committing to do that again. I know from experience that it will not solve my problem completely, but it does help. I guess that I know that this is not all in my head.
As for being prideful, yes, I am convicted of that as well to an extent. I act like I am invincible- a habit formed at a very early age. Part of that is pride. In a way I don't like anyone to know that I'm hurting. Perhaps that stems from pride in looking more together than others- I don't know. A lot of it stems from fear of rejection, or worse- apathy.
I know my faults all too well. It's much harder to accept my value than my shortcomings. I think realizing these things will help me, but I don't think that this is all there is to the problem. Yes, much of this problem may be simply emotional- spiritual as well, but I think that there is also a possibility of a physical problem. That will have to wait though. I still have not come to a place where I can ask for help. Maybe someday.

 

[Dexx]

Are you to blame? Yes and no. Certainly the bible tells us to dwell on good things. "positive thinking" is more than just a platitude. If you dwell on the negative, then the negative will shape your thinking. That being said, there comes a time where you work yourself into a rut. At that point you cant "shake it off" even if you try. You are stuck.

What you describe is classical depression. It may even be clinical (ie tied to brain chemistry). Some people have a melancholy personality by nature. There's nothing wrong with that. But such people dont respond well to bad circumstances. If you dwell on the bad things about your and your life, your personality magnifies them and you get caught in a loop

Is it "all in your mind"? Yes. Are you being "prideful"? maybe. But just because something is "all in your mind" doesnt make it insignificant. Note that you wont get better by simply trying to be a better person or doing good things. For some reason God often chooses not to free a person from depression. I dont know why.

You need to start talking to someone. A trusted friend maybe? Ideally you'll work your way up to seeing a psychologist. There are Christian psychologists as well. Ask your self, is there anything else you can think of doing at this time which would make a significant change? Is there anything you've tried before which you think would work if you tried again? If the answer is 'no' (and after 6 years i bet it is) then its time to try something radical.

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

Thank you for your advice Dexx. I've learned that positive thinking about myself is beyond my strength of will power. I have an ability to see the bright side of most situations, even occasionally finding a bright spot in my own depression, but when it comes to looking at myself, often the only thing I can find is hatred. I have very low self esteem. It's something I'm trying to work on, but whenever I try to apply positive thinking, I just become angry for "lying" to myself. Hopefully with a new committment to God some of that will be alleviated.
I think I probably do have clinical depression. I've never been tested for it, as I've never seen a doctor of any kind about my depression- or anyone else for that matter. Still, as nothing seems to rid me of this depression, I find it quite likely. I've done a lot of research on it, and I seem to fit all of the symptoms.
Techinically, if I am clinically depressed, then this would not be "all in my mind," at least not in the sense that I can change it, right? Even so, like you said, if this is just in my mind, it's still a significant problem. I have often asked God to deliver me from this, but He hasn't, and I've accepted that He has a purpose in it. Despite that, I also know that He never wants any of His children to suffer. Well, I don't really know what that means for me right now, but I'm just trying to take the focus off me and put it on Him.
There are a couple people I talk about this with over the internet (because they're friends that live a long way from me), but none in person. Honestly, it's easier to discuss this with a stranger than someone I know. I'm sure seeing a psychologist might be helpful, but in my current situation, that opportunity won't come for at least a year and a half. Honestly, I haven't tried a whole lot to make this better in the first place- research, reading the Bible, prayer, writing my feelings...well, and nearly attempted suicide once, but I discarded that afterwards. Mostly I've been too busy hiding my feelings to try to help them. I know that's a major part of my problem- it's also the hardest part to fix. That habit formed when I was only about 6 years old. Just what is "something radical"?

 

[Dexx]

Just what is "something radical"?

I meant something that you wouldnt normally do, that you havent tried before, and that you'd have to push yourself to achieve. I really feel that God is saying you need to find someone in your life - face to face - who you can open up to. In spite of the risk of judgement or the shame or the fear. You need to vent.

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

I didn't really think it would happen, but after getting that stuff right with God I had kind of hoped...well, anyway, I still feel the same despair. I'm not going to turn away from God this time because of it though. I wish it had at least lasted a little longer. Two days doesn't seem near enough.

I meant something that you wouldnt normally do, that you havent tried before, and that you'd have to push yourself to achieve. I really feel that God is saying you need to find someone in your life - face to face - who you can open up to. In spite of the risk of judgement or the shame or the fear. You need to vent.

Vent? Yes, that would help. More than that though, I need to vent to someone who can actually help me overcome this. Getting the feelings out is good, but that doesn't mean they aren't there anymore. I don't know what to do. Something "radical" is needed, but I don't know what that could be. I don't know how to approach someone to talk about this stuff. I don't really know much of anything when it comes to this. All I know is how to run and hide, and by now I've figured out that though I can run and hide from everyone else, it's impossible to get away from myself. At the same time, trying to face this myself hasn't worked either. It just looks even more hopeless. I need someone who can help, but I have no idea who that could be. I know there are certain things I really should do, but even doing those things would offer no relief. For instance, I should tell my parents about this, I know that. Still, there would be no relief from that other than simply coming clean, and that would soon turn bitter. My mom, even though she does not know the extent of what I am feeling, constantly makes comments about how depression is a phase everyone goes through, and how there really isn't any need for worry about it. Constantly I've fought the knowledge that I should tell them, but at the same time I know that telling them would only hurt. The only person I told before, face to face, let me down miserably by her inaction. As long as I keep this to myself, I know that it is only myself that is hurting me, but when I open up to others and they do nothing, it is opening to a another whole realm of pain. How can I do that to myself? I can barely stand this now. I know that there is probably someone out there who I could tell who wouldn't hurt me, but I don't know who that person could be. It's not my parents or my pastor. I don't know what to do. It's so hard to trust people with this. Part of me also feels guilty for asking someone to help with this. I have to deal with this- it's my life, but how could I ask others to help me bear this pain? I don't know how. as long as I can remember I've kept pain inside- physical or emotional. How do you break a habit you've had your whole life? I truly can't wait for heaven. I fear that I will never experience, real, deep happiness or joy here. I know that is wrong. We are supposed to have God's joy in spite of all circumstances. Lord God, how?

 

[Glorianna]

Just a few weeks from now marks the three year point of when I was going to commit suicide. God saved me from that, and gave me incredible joy for a short time afterwards. Since then the same feelings of hopelessness and pain are constantly recurring. There is a purpose for everything right? It says that in the Bible over and over. Something good will come of this- it's just so hard to believe.

Wow, I am so proud of you- 3 years! That is so awesome! Yes, there is a purpose for everything. You know why I think you're depressed? I think that Satan is scared that God will use you for something incredible and he doesn't want that. I think that depression is a spiritual battle. I might be way off base here but I know that was the case for me. I was depressed and suicidal last year. I didn't feel like drawing close to God but I forced myself and am now out of depression and doing the Lord's work! I would suggest that you try to do the same. There's nothing better than that! I will be praying for you.

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

I definitely think there is part of this that is a spiritual battle, but honestly, Satan seems to be winning by a landslide. I'm reading the Bible every morning and night now- I just started up again recently, but it hasn't seemed to help much. Right now I feel like I'm condemned to live a life without happiness. I'm no Job...I can't take this. For years all I wanted was for someone to notice and ask me about it so that I could get help, but now that someone has, I'm incapable of telling them about this struggle. I hate this! I don't know what to do...what I can do- if anything. I feel like I'm dying.

 

[mikeforjesus]

Hey ive been reading this whole post.... u r cutting my heart because I am going through the same thing (some of the things I have is clinical depression , Social anxiety, ADD lol .. but I think its getting somewhat better) so I know how it feels... but ive been getting some of Gods peace
Do u take holy communion?

I AM GOING TO PRAY FOR U AND I WANT U TO POST WHEN U GET BETTER SO WE CAN REJOICE WITH U.

Also can every one plz pray for my grandpa who is now blind in his left eye and has severe asthma problems.

I want u to even tell me how u r doing tommorow.

Do u have an email so I can talk to u on msn... I would like to be friends with you.

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

Thank you for your prayers. Everything feels so hopeless. I don't know if I'm even capable of talking to someone about this in person. I can't stand this! I can't even open my mouth to speak. Even the few times I have, the opposite words of those I meant to say come out!
I can't be a burden to those I love. I don't want to hurt them by being hurt. Besides that...I don't know if I trust them not to hurt me. I know they wouldn't intentionally, but it would be all too easy for them to unintentionally hurt me. That would leave everyone hurt, and what could that gain?
I can't bear this pain, but I can't share the burden either. I am trapped. living and dying, all behind a mask.

 

[NINGirl]

Hidden face_Hurting heart, you've described my situation with every word. Seems like I'm heading down a scary path, and it's hard to turn back. My problems have consumed my normal life and it's all I dwell on now. I can not put into words how terrible the feelings are, I'm sure no one can completely. You'll be in my prayers. Like someone said, we need to pray and rededicate ourselves to Christ and not give up. I'm sure it takes time to fully regain the life we had before.

Possibly the hardest thing to do is hiding it. But it seems there really isn't another option. We don't want to burden another soul, as you said, with our problems. It's basically like being trapped and contained and unable to be let out. In this case, I suggest a pyschologist of some sort..a counselor. Someone who is able to help and accept the burden at the same time. I have been considering this option for quite some time, but my low self-worth has caused me to withdraw from telling my parents or a school counselor.

Hope God assists you out of this.

 

[strengthinweakness]

Hidden face_Hurting heart, about a year and a half ago, I was at a very similar point as where you are now in your life. I was incredibly depressed, and I felt little hope for relief, but yet I was still unwilling to seek help. Part of me was just skeptical that anyone COULD help me, and also, to be honest, part of me just didn't want to reach out to anyone and admit my extreme need. However, in March of last year, the overwhelming burden of depression became so painful that I was almost to the point of taking my own life. Finally, I decided, at long last, to listen to a good friend's advice and seek help. I was in such bad shape at that point that I couldn't even make it onto the bus (I can't drive) to go to the local crisis center for emergency counseling. I was so literally weighted down by depression that I had to ask my uncle to drive me there. He agreed, although not without some grumbling. However, looking back on it now, a year and half later, I am SO incredibly glad that I stepped out and asked for help, because through therapy, medication, and the deepening of my relationship with Him, God has done incredible things in my life. Prior to going to therapy, I had suffered with depression for almost fifteen years, and for most of that time, I had suffered in silence. I tried to battle it on my own, with no therapy, no medication, and for a long time, no relationship with God. Ultimately though, I just couldn't handle the depression on my own, and when I ADMITTED it and finally sought help, my life began a slow (but very real) process of transformation.

I got into therapy and on anti-depressant medication, and these two factors helped to correct my deeply depressive thinking and behavior patterns. I grew closer to God, and probably for the first time in my life, I got to know Him and see Him in a way that wasn't terribly distorted by depression. In short, I began to heal. It didn't all happen overnight, but it did happen. Now, not only have I emerged from my almost fifteen-year-long hellish depression, I am also teaching a Bible study class, taking a class on evangelism, and I have just been ordained a Deacon at my church. Now, all glory definitely goes to God for these things, but none of them would have likely even been possible in my life if I had not finally LISTENED to the urgings of my friend and sought help. I believe that God used her to speak to me, and I believe that God is using people here now to speak to you. Please reach out and get the help that you need. You are NOT being a bother to people by telling them that you are in pain. You simply don't need to continue to hold these feelings inside for years and years. I know that even the thought of seeking help probably seems futile to you right now, but listen to me-- depression is clouding your thinking. I know, because I've been there. In this kind of pit, nothing seems worth doing, and it's so easy to see a discouraging aspect to ANY attempts to better your life. However, please DON'T let your current state of mind keep you from getting help. You need to reach out in order for your life to change-- and it CAN change for the better, so much more so than it may now seem to you. Please believe me. I am praying for you.

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

There is so much fear...fear that I can't be helped, fear to tell anyone about my problem, fear that they will reject me for it, fear that they won't even care. The list goes on. I am paralyzed by it. Those around me have no idea that I feel the way I do. They think I have it all together, that I am invincible even. That scares me too. If I can hide something so huge from those people closest to me, what else am I capable of?
The people around me don't even know who I am. I'm sixteen- homeschooled, with 4 brothers and sisters. I am constantly at home, yet not even my own family has suspected. It is so hard to think of telling them. How do you show someone so close to you that you aren't who they think you are? I've suffered with depression for about 6 years, and even before that, I hid my pain from everyone. I was so young when I formed that habit. I thought it was a good thing- not to complain when I was hurt, not to cry...but now...I am incapable of helping myself because of it. I can't tell anyone that I'm hurting. I've tried, but the words just won't come. I don't know what to do. I can't even cry anymore- not even in the privacy of my own room. I can't scream, hit something...anything- everything remains trapped inside me. The only thing I can do anymore to let the pain out is write or sometimes talk to myself. Who I am is constantly fighting against the mask, constantly losing. It makes me feel like I am going insane. I'm so ashamed of all of this.
Strengthinweakness, thank you for your words. You know, I reached the point when I nearly took my own life as well. That was three years ago. God delivered me from myself. Still I could not ask for help....