26 years and counting

[mariamaria555]

HI,
well, where do I start?
After twenty six years of eating disorders (I started off anorexic , was bulimic and am now a compulsive eater) I can honestly say that I am fed up of it!
It started because of an abusive childhood and although I am totally over that my eating disorder remains. I'm not sure what to do to get better. I do pray about it and live in hope that God will help me, after all God can do all things.
I have had eighteen years of professional help. I have seen many therapists , counsellors, I have been to an eating disorders clinic twice now, I have been on meds, I have been part of a Christian recovery programme too but nothing helps.
A therapist once called me and enigma because they could see that what works for others wasn't working for me..so I am at the point in my life and have been for a long while where I no longer want to live like this but I'm not sure what steps I can take to get better. I feel I have tried it all..
Any advice would be great.
Maria..x

 

[mariamaria555]

I'd love some input

 

[Everlasting33]

Maria,

I feel for you since I can imagine how much of a struggle, a wear and tear of the body, and a sense of hopelessness one can feel!

"Our bodies are our gardens - our wills are our gardeners." ~William Shakespeare

It sounds like you have been to many, many places and people who have attempted to help you. Let me ask,

how are you measuring your success? Intensity? Frequency?
Do you no longer struggle with anorexia/bulimia? Just compulsive eating?
What have you learned about yourself during counseling?
Why do you think you still struggle with an ED?

Emotion always has its roots in the unconscious and manifests itself in the body. ~Irene Claremont de Castillejo

I hope to hear back from you!

 

[mariamaria555]

Hi and thanks for your reply.
I'll answer your questions first.
how are you measuring your success? Intensity? Frequency?
I measure success as far as eating goes by not binging or not constantly thinking of food.
Intensity? not sure what you mean by that..Frequency? I binge every day but very occasionally I have a non binge day.
Do you no longer struggle with anorexia/bulimia? Just compulsive eating?
I still have some signs of bulimia but mainly compulsive eating.
What have you learned about yourself during counseling?
I learnt that my eating started due to a coping mechanism going back to my childhood and that that is no longer the case now. I also learnt that I don't fit into any box that the counsellors want to put me in which frustrates them!
Why do you think you still struggle with an ED?
I honestly don't know, maybe it's because it's become an ingrained habit now, it defiantly isn't emotional based because life is great right now but I'm still eating badly.

Thanks for your reply
Maria..x

 

[Everlasting33]

I measure success as far as eating goes by not binging or not constantly thinking of food.
Intensity? not sure what you mean by that..Frequency? I binge every day but very occasionally I have a non binge day.

Thanks for answering my questions. I enjoy analyzing and researching, so it only makes sense why I enjoy helping myself and other with their struggles.

What about measuring success by how you view food. When you think of food, what thoughts and feelings come to mind?

Intensity...how strong your urges to relieve yourself of food and desire to think of food.

I still have some signs of bulimia but mainly compulsive eating.

Can you give me an example of compulsive eating?

I learnt that my eating started due to a coping mechanism going back to my childhood and that that is no longer the case now. I also learnt that I don't fit into any box that the counsellors want to put me in which frustrates them!

What kind of box do they want to put you in? Secondly, do you know what kind of therapy they used? cognitive? behavioral?

I honestly don't know, maybe it's because it's become an ingrained habit now, it defiantly isn't emotional based because life is great right now but I'm still eating badly.
Thanks for your reply
Maria..x

It very well could be.It's nice to hear life has improved for you!

Here's something I just thought of: Do you think you wrap your identity around an eating disorder?

Have a great day!

 

[mariamaria555]

hi,
I did reply but then my reply disappeared! Thanks for replying, I'll answer as best I can:
Can you give me an example of compulsive eating?
compulsive eating feels like an over whelming feeling to want to eat all the time, some times I binge and some times I just eat all day long, it's feels like an addiction. I just have to eat, I don't feel like I have a choice in it even though I know I do.
What about measuring success by how you view food. When you think of food, what thoughts and feelings come to mind?
when I think of food I think many things, depending on the kind of eating day I have had. On a goodish day I review food as fuel for the body and some thing to be enjoyed on a bad day it's the enemy!
Intensity...how strong your urges to relieve yourself of food and desire to think of food.

The urge is very intense and very strong, I always think it's as equal to a drug addict needing their fix.
What kind of box do they want to put you in? Secondly, do you know what kind of therapy they used? cognitive? behavioral?
They want to be able to give me therapy, be it cognitve, behavioural,group or integrative and it works for me. None of those have worked so they try it over and over again because they want to fit me into this box of "this will work for you". They don't allow for individuality, they don't allow for the fact that we don't all react the same , they don't do thinking outside the box and they are so confused as to what to do with me. In there words " I am an enigma"..so I am now at the stage where they are starting all the different therapy's on me again!
Thanks for your interest.
Maria..x

 

[Everlasting33]

hi,
compulsive eating feels like an over whelming feeling to want to eat all the time, some times I binge and some times I just eat all day long, it's feels like an addiction. I just have to eat, I don't feel like I have a choice in it even though I know I do.

Thanks for this excellent explanation. How was food viewed, by you, as a child? Was it a form of comfort or of love? Was it controlled or taken away by parents?

when I think of food I think many things, depending on the kind of eating day I have had. On a goodish day I review food as fuel for the body and some thing to be enjoyed on a bad day it's the enemy
.

So it would seem that your perception of food really goes up and down. Sometimes, it's your friend and other times it's the enemy. I noticed you said you feel down about food on a bad day, what does this mean?

They want to be able to give me therapy, be it cognitve, behavioural,group or integrative and it works for me. None of those have worked so they try it over and over again because they want to fit me into this box of "this will work for you". They don't allow for individuality, they don't allow for the fact that we don't all react the same , they don't do thinking outside the box and they are so confused as to what to do with me. In there words " I am an enigma"..so I am now at the stage where they are starting all the different therapy's on me again!
Thanks for your interest.
Maria..x

I like your way of thinking because I really get what you mean here. I would like to go on to counseling and one of my biggest gripes about mainstream psychology is what you said above. Psychologists get in this mind-set that what you have is what is written down in the books and there is a solution mapped out for that problem. But, everyone is different and counseling needs to be personalized, instead of instituionalized.

Have you heard of inner child therapy? Existential therapy? These are some of my favorites and have helped me, although they are not as mainstream as the others.