20 years and still can't talk about it

[Ginger34]

I had a great friend, Randy, when I was 14/15 who died in a car wreck with his sister and her best friend. He was 16 and sooo sweet. He was always smiling and never said a bad word to anyone, at least I never heard him. I had feelings for him and did let him know. He told me he was moving to another state and it hurt but I didn't let it show. I got him a card and wrote a letter and gave him a pic of me on the last day of school that year. In the letter I told him how I felt and that I cared alot for him and I did tell him he'd always have a place in my heart. A few days later he died. I never went to the funeral. I wanted to remember the last time I saw him, him smiling at me. I never went to his gravesite until, it was a week before Thanksgiving this year. It took me this long to finally go. I visited with his dad for 3 hours also and was so nice. He'd always wondered what happened to me, cause it was like just one day I stopped contacting them. I had a hard time dealing with his death, I was only 15 myself. At home I couldn't talk to my parents, dad acted like he didn't care and he never knew anything about my friends and never asked. He just wasn't in tune with anything about me. Mom was always cold, I think she cared but never knew what to say, all she told me was "things like that happens." When school came back in, my friends didn't talk to me much, I think they didn't know how to. So I ended up not talking about him, it was easier that way. No one mentioned his name to me or anything so I took it they didn't wanna talk about it either. So in time I pushed it all away and ever once in awhile I'd think about him. I never talked to his parents about all the things I wanted to, how I was in love with him and all of the memories I had. I told them some but not everything. So, for whatever reason I finally did it. I visited his dad and told him alot of the things I wanted to. I hope that it also helped him to. What I never told him or anyone is how I'd listen to the same songs over and over after he died and cry, sometimes I'd cry myself to sleep. Or how I'd go to our pond on the hill and sit there and cry and talk to God and to him. I'd also write letters to Randy and go to the pond and read them and then tear them up and throw them in the water. I spent alot of time by myself. It's been so many years now and I still cry about it when I think back. How do you ever get over something like that? I'm married and I can't talk to my hubby like this, he never says a word when I do, it makes me feel like when my friends from long ago would not talk about him either. I've always found some comfort knowing I did get to say goodbye to him in my letter and card, even if it was a goodbye because he was moving. I'll never know how he truly felt about me but he did tell me once I was a good friend to him. There wasn't anything left unsaid to him, I only wish I could've had more time with him, just to give him a hug.

 

[Onlythingavailable]

I'm sorry you've had to keep it bottled up for this long. I know it feels like it won't ever go away, but I believe you still feel this deeply about it because, as you said, you haven't dealt with the sorrow, just pushed it away. I think talking to his dad and going to his grave was a good first step. I'd also suggest seeing someone who knows exactly what you are going through, like a grief counselor, or someone who has been through the same. In time you will be able to put this behind you (I don't mean you'll forget him, just that you will be get your focus back on the here and now), just don't force the feelings away again! You've already taken the first step, so might as well walk the whole path.

 

[Anti Existance]

I always say ' imagine if you would have died instead of him ' would you like to see someone who loves you to cry and to be in agony and misery for many years to come? Of course not!!!,he wants you to live a happy life, in the same way as you would have wanted that for him. In heaven he knows the love you have for him, and its perfectly ok for you to love him with all your heart, however you do have to realise that you cannot put your own life on a halt forever just because of this,or anyone else who might decease in your life, which i know is much easier to say, but have faith in christ for he has risen, and your loved ones are amongst him in heaven, rejoice rather that he has lived and forfilled his mission that God gave him here on earth, and that life is like a puzzle , in the end all the pieces will fall in place. And one time when your own natural time comes here on earth and you have forfilled your promise to God, you will meet him again. Until then keep your hopes up high, and instead of dying for your lost loved ones, start living for them!!!.

So don't make your heart a murder hole, opening up here were people listen to you ,and are open minded about it is the best way to put some steam off the kettle. It'll make you sleep better at night to know that all is well.

 

[BlessEwe]

I am glad to see you writing now, I feel God brings things up when we are ready to deal with the pain.
so many do not realize just how fast we can be taken from the ones we love, and take advantage of putting things off like saying I love you ect. I am so glad you did do that for your friend and he knows.
Your testimony can help so many people in your life wake up and realize that we may not have tomorrow, do love all the ones we can today. Love is all we take with us. I also feel it would be good to talk to your husband about what you feel. Perhaps he just had no idea and doesn't understand that you want to tell him.
God Bless your heart and I know God will lead you if you let Him.

 

[.Sabre.]

Praying for you!

 

[Ginger34]

I understand what everyone is saying. I've always believed everything happens for a reason just like what his dad told me. His dad is a deacon at a church now, which is wonderful. I don't feel I need to see a counselor, I wish I did years ago though.
What got me to face it now is about 2 months ago I heard a song that brought everythhing back to me. Use to whenever I heard that song I'd turn it off asap cause it was too painful to hear it. I never could listen to it all the way through after he died. BUT I listened to it all the way through this time. I told myself no more running. There is always gonna be things that will remind me of him and of that time and I can't control that like I have been all these years. Talking with his dad was a huge lift off of my shoulders. He said it has gotten easier but there are times he gets choked up talking about it. He said he understands it was their time to go but he'll never know why. That's how I feel to. I feel the reason why I got to say the things I wanted to to Randy and say goodbye before he died was because it was in God's plan. I think...maybe....God helped make that happen cause He knew I was going to take Randy's death hard and that would give me some comfort knowing I had the chance to tell him everything. Most people don't get the chance to say what they want to before someone dies but I did. After he died his mother found my letters, card and pic. She said he had them in his drawer. That also made me feel better knowing he cared for me to, she thanked me for being such a good friend to him. He was a person who when he walked in a room it would light up. Everyone wanted to be around him. He had SO many friends, people I didn't even know who knew him. He was honest, very sweet and always smiling. He was a gentle person. I've never met anyone else like him. He could be shy and quiet sometimes but also playful when you got to know him. He loved to make you laugh. I was always amazed at how many were friends with him. I'd be talking to him sometimes and somebody would come to him and start talking to him. People I would've never thought were friends with him. That happened alot. He didn't care if you were rich or poor, or who you were. He had friends who were snobby toward most people and he had friends who kept to themselves. That is so rare to meet someone like that. I was fortunate to have known him.
When I tried talking to my husband about him, I mean tell him all of this, he told me "just think if he hadn't died you might've been married to him". So, needless to say I don't talk to him about it anymore. I told him I doubt it we were only 15.

 

[mom_one]

praying for you

 

[Ginger34]

praying for you

Thank you, it means alot