17 days later..so what now?

[AussieK]

I find myself searching this site for people like me. I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself. I look at his photo on the wall and imagine him in his new life dining with Jesus, reclining in his new armchair, playing with lions. Then I see my new life - the bills, the loneliness, the uncertainty.
But through it all I know and believe that God has a purpose for me and its good. I will prosper. I just need to ride through this storm then I'll be on my way. Wont I?
Final! I always thought I knew what it meant but now I know I was skimming across the surface of meaning. I now know what it means.
Loneliness. Now there's a word with a whole myriad of meanings. I am lonely but I'm not.
The days are just so slow! Does that ever change?
I miss my life partner. I nursed him fulltime for 8mths. I saw him go from a strong handsome young 46 year old man capable of anything to a tired, weak, drug ragged old man but I loved him more in those last few months.
I miss him so much.

 

[singingwife]

Welcome!It's been about 2 1/2 months for me. Yeah; I too watched my hubby die, and I only had 8 hours to know he was terminal. He was 32. But the year prior, I watched a decline in his health; with enlarged lymph nodes we were told about with a follow-up scan on his kidneys from a fracture years ago, a cold and cough that never really went away, increased tiredness, weight loss, paleness, and being unable to do anything; or one less thing at a time. But we never found out what was actually wrong, until 3 weeks before his death; when he was diagnosed with Hodgkins stage 4. We, including the doctor, thought it could be treated, even though it would be a long haul of chemo and follow-up tests and everything. Though we knew there were risks, I know we did our best. And I find myself also thankful that he didn't have to suffer any more, even though I miss him very much.
I too have moments when I don't know what to do with myself. Family, friends and church has been good to me, and the hospital is also following up with me that I have the grief support that I need. And I probably post the most in this section right now.
Yeah; it seems my closest friends right now are divorced women. We share the pain of being alone and making the adjustments. But yeah; we can't compare. Truth be told, I don't envy them in the least! Much as losing my hubby hurts, I know he loved me, I know he knew how much I love him, and we lived our vows to the end; even if it came WAY sooner than either of us anticipated. To have your spouse CHOOSE not to love you anymore, and still be alive with someone else, that is pain I am SO thankful not to have. When I was going through the paperwork and ransacking my filing cabinet for important documents, I wondered; how much worse it must be to DIVIDE that stuff up in a divorce! When I am with my in-laws, I feel SO blessed; how often does someone get to spend time with the other family they came to love when that marriage fails?!(especially since we did not have children)
Keep coming back here,ok? I look forward to reading more from you.

 

[AussieK]

Thank you so much for answering. I was really thrilled and you sound like you've got it all together too. You sound really lovely.
Brendan died of melanoma. it went to his spine in April and then it crippled him about 2 months ago. He was still in excruciating pain though. I can only imagine what he went through and didnt tell me.
We had a very tuff marriage. We loved each other deeply but never at the same times. But God stepped in in the last 3 mths of his life and I can only say He gave me a taste of what a real christian marriage is like (and all without sex haha!) I praise God for that.
Do you think you will ever re-marry? I must admit it is on my mind and when and if Gods guy comes along I will re-marry. Brendan spoke to me before he died about that. It was his 'command' to me.

its only 3pm and I'm just so bored. i've already cried a few times. The church is getting some volunteer work together for me. I hope to be a help to any others going through this.
Well thank you for sharing. I also look forward to 'speaking' with you again.

 

[singingwife]

3pm; my time for your post was midnight. So, Aussie DOES mean that's where you are, right? I'm in Canada, and right now it's almost 5pm.
How long were you married? Did you have children with him? We were married 7 1/2 years. We got a dog; children didn't work out. Most of the time that's a blessing. We both have/had our share of health troubles, and desires weren't that strong anyway. But probably if we had, I would be glad to have them and wonder how I'd be without them! It's one of those mysteries.
Our marriage was good; sure, we had our differences, but we grew together, and learned from each other well. Though in the last few months, communicating properly was getting much harder. There were lots of times I would just cry by myself, feeling like I lost my best friend. I've heard it said to remember the good memories and to put those bad memories into perspective; knowing that his feeling so sick really took a toll on his ability to be patient and to speak in kinder tones. I clung to Scripture, and cried out to God. I honestly don't know how someone can go through these difficulties without knowing the Lord, because otherwise I would be a much worse wreck!
The no-sex thing, that I can relate to. Though I cherished moments, even as he got sicker, when we would have those small bits of physical intimacy. Again, I had to cling to God to meet my needs there; to remember His love for me.
About re-marriage, I brought that up very vaguely in those last 8 hours, when he was not really able to respond to me. I said that I cannot imagine being able to build the intimacy we'd shared, with someone else. That wasn't a promise either way, and I believe his answer to that would be "it's up to you". Right now I have no desire for that whatsoever, but at 36, I know I'm too young to entirely rule it out. But there's different issues with that than were when I was 27; I have the baggage, and chances are, any men I may meet and consider would too. Would I have to wrestle with divorce issues, for example? Or would I be a stepmother? I had to lay it out for some family members already; with my health and age, having children of my own will NOT be happening.
I seem to have it all together? Well, I have all kinds of moments. Sometimes things just feel weird, like if I'm hanging out with a friend that I probably wouldn't have if he was still alive. Or going out a few times in a week; coffee with one friend, a party for another friend, etc.......it's just weird. Though I'm not really excited about Christmas. Our anniversary is just before too.
Well, I need to get myself something to eat. Talk to you later.

 

[AussieK]

it would've been 23 years in february. We both married young and had our son a year later. I couldnt have any more children though due to a docs mistake after a d and C.
I just cant get over how slow the clock goes round! Once again its 3pm.
I'mn suddenly at a loss for words but I want to talk so I'll ramble a bit.
They've found work for me to do tomorrow at church. wait for it......helping out at the seniors meeting. huh!! oh well at tleast I've had plenty of practice pushing wheelchairs.
ben, our son, and I are going paragliding next week to throw brendans ashes. That should be alot of fun as Ben hasnt done it before.

I will selll the house early next year. We bought a townhouse before he died which is being built. As hard as it will be to leave OUR home, it will be good to move on. I am wishing I could do it now. i'm such an impatient person. Also when I sell it will free up my finanaces. I am hoiping not to work fulltime and go into some sort ministry work. Not sure yet.
I had my first dream last night of Brendan waiting in a waiting room for me to finish work. When I saw him I was surprised as he was sick and shouldve been at home. he told me he felt great and wanted to wait for me. the feeling I felt was wonderful, Like I just wanted to hurry up and be with him. then i woke. My instant thought was "strange dream as he's ok" Then in a split second I remembered he was dead and I was alone. it was not a nice thought at 3.30am!

ok...i'm hungry and its very hot. I think we're brewing up for a storm tonight.
Thanks for writing.

 

[singingwife]

Volunteering is SO good. I did that regularly through church, and in the community before, and it took a backseat a bit when my dh was getting sicker. Now I'm back into it, and I'm SO glad to be. Trying not to overdo it, though. I work fulltime now, and I must finally be getting used to it, because right now I'm not so tired!
It's good that you have plans for moving later. I've been advised not to make any major decisions in the first year. I have no plans to sell my house; the one we bought together. The mortgage was life-insured, so that frees me up there. Whether I one day get a different job has yet to be decided, but for now I'm thankful to have a full-time job. And financially, I'm doing fine. Life insurance through my dh's work isn't what I immediately need, but it's been invested, and there for major purchases, like if my house one day needs some major work. I can live off what I make; I've found. Praise God!
I'm sure your son is such a blessing to you. How is he managing his grief? Well, there probably is more to be said for that later..........my dh lost his father 15 months before he died. He got a cold right on his first day back to work, and I and his family now wonder if THAT was the start of it? I can't remember if that was the cold that never went away. He became more protective of his mom, and never turned down the opportunity to spend more time with her. But never really verbalized actually missing him, talking of memories, wondering what he'd think of certain things(though Father's Day wasn't long after the death, and seeing Father's Day cards in the stores kept us FAR away from that section!) or anything like that. But your son is younger; and I'm not sure if that's better or worse. I hope you have a great time paragliding; you'll have to tell all about it later. I don't even know what that is!