Nobody really wants to hear about the problems of another person. They have enough of their own. So, let me just say sorry for writing this because I know it just looks like another list of complaints to add to the forrum. Even though I kind of feel like writing this isn't going to do much good, I'm writing it anyway. I'm writing it for two reasons- because I have no one to talk to and it will help me get my feelings out and also in hopes that someone reading will identiy and maybe, just maybe, can offer something. Ok, now that I got that off my chest, here is my story:
I never really had any true friends since I was in elementary school. I always longed for someone to walk the halls with who would stick closer than a brother, like Jesus said He would...someone to be close with. Well, I never got it. I've lived a lonely life. I've gotten picked on and ignored and, as a result, have low self esteem as a 19 year old. I always wanted to be outgoing and the only way to do that is to have confidence and the only way to do that is to be accepted and it seems the only way to be accepted is to be good-looking. Well, I'm not good-looking so I'm not anything else. I have no confidence in myself. I won't do anything with my church or with school groups because I have a fear...I have a fear that other people are going to hurt me again. They do this by ignoring me and treating me like I'm useless...and that's exactly how I feel- useless. I argue with my parents a lot and I'm not able to express my feelings to them which makes things difficult. I struggle with talking to my mother about things...partly because I don't want to cry when I begin to speak, partly because I'm afraid that she won't like what I have to say...and it's also due in part to something that I havent yet really figured out, I guess maybe I simply can't always read my very own feelings. Anyway, any friend that I ever had ended up drifting away and the only other person that I've actually been able to talk to about things, a leader of a Christian group, seems to have no time for me. I've only talked with him twice in the past year. I wish I had someone to talk to because I'm longing for Biblical wisdom...for good, solid advice. I'm just hurting. I guess it made me feel a little better to write about this hurt...and maybe someone knows how I feel and can respond. I'm just sick of feeling lonely and worthless. I've become an attention seeker and can't seem to find attention anywhere.
I never really had any true friends since I was in elementary school. I always longed for someone to walk the halls with who would stick closer than a brother, like Jesus said He would...someone to be close with. Well, I never got it. I've lived a lonely life. I've gotten picked on and ignored and, as a result, have low self esteem as a 19 year old. I always wanted to be outgoing and the only way to do that is to have confidence and the only way to do that is to be accepted and it seems the only way to be accepted is to be good-looking. Well, I'm not good-looking so I'm not anything else. I have no confidence in myself. I won't do anything with my church or with school groups because I have a fear...I have a fear that other people are going to hurt me again. They do this by ignoring me and treating me like I'm useless...and that's exactly how I feel- useless. I argue with my parents a lot and I'm not able to express my feelings to them which makes things difficult. I struggle with talking to my mother about things...partly because I don't want to cry when I begin to speak, partly because I'm afraid that she won't like what I have to say...and it's also due in part to something that I havent yet really figured out, I guess maybe I simply can't always read my very own feelings. Anyway, any friend that I ever had ended up drifting away and the only other person that I've actually been able to talk to about things, a leader of a Christian group, seems to have no time for me. I've only talked with him twice in the past year. I wish I had someone to talk to because I'm longing for Biblical wisdom...for good, solid advice. I'm just hurting. I guess it made me feel a little better to write about this hurt...and maybe someone knows how I feel and can respond. I'm just sick of feeling lonely and worthless. I've become an attention seeker and can't seem to find attention anywhere.